Unconditional Parenting Chapter 6: What Holds Us Back?

[Super Glue Mommy]

Here it is!

[mommabear207]

NAK
We're half way through- i hope more people will be joining in...we seem to be losing posters.

i think the four categories of why we do what we do are important to keep in mind they are
-what we see and hear
-what we believe
-what we feel
-and thus what we fear
i would dare say that these affect all of us and why we do some of the things we wish we didn't do , and probably why we are reading this book

also "people's basic parenting styles "are already in place before [they] gain direct experience with their own offspring." these sytles are deepy rooted in experiences they had long ago."
as well as the paragraph on same pg 106 about Alice Miller and admiting that our own parents might not have been as entirely well-meaning and competant as we had thought.

and to paraphase: when you are in the habit of putting your needs first dcs behavior is more likey to seem to be delibrate rather than as a reaction to a situation ie not enough attention so dc acts up to get it.

[Super Glue Mommy]

my notes pick up in the next chapter - sorry I didnt have much to add for this chapter or the last...

I think you really picked some excellent points from the chapter!

The what we believe is a big thing for me... sometimes we have to let go of what we believe and not project it onto our children.

[boat rocker]

i will post more tomorrow...i've been online researching unschooling wayyyy too many hours today. i feel like i'm neglecting my dc...need to go sit w/ them w/out any distractions...its hard sometimes, to BE with them unconditionally...or.....when its all about them 24/7 .i get so tired. so that holds me back a lot.........i'm not feeling well today so that is making me worse...more disinterested in playing/doing much of anything w/ them...

i'm just trying to understand this unschooling thing. questions questions questions. i guess i'll just...BE. lol

[foodmachine]

My question is "where did Alfie go wrong exactly in his exchange with his 3 year old?" (bottom of p 110-top of p 111).
Should he have waited until the child was ready to answer him about who was taking the shirt off?
Or should he have taken the shirt off and started up the stairs and then turned around immediately when the child started to cry? It is already too late at this point perhaps to save the next hour.
I wish Alfie had explained how this scenario "should/could" have gone in a UP way.

I like that he puts the "authoritative" style in it's place. It gets a lot of coverage and is thrown around a lot even on MDC. It is still about control.

And finally, I can't wait to hear a child refered to as having a "behavior problem" again so I can say the child has a "legimate conflict situation" (p 110) that needs addressing .

[Dr.Worm]

I forgot about this...sorry..can someone please direct me to the other chapters so I can catch up?

[foodmachine]

Originally Posted by Dr.Worm

I forgot about this...sorry..can someone please direct me to the other chapters so I can catch up?

Hi! All the chapter threads can be found on the first page of the "Book Clubs" forum. See you there!

[Super Glue Mommy]

Originally Posted by foodmachine

My question is "where did Alfie go wrong exactly in his exchange with his 3 year old?" (bottom of p 110-top of p 111).
Should he have waited until the child was ready to answer him about who was taking the shirt off?
Or should he have taken the shirt off and started up the stairs and then turned around immediately when the child started to cry? It is already too late at this point perhaps to save the next hour.
I wish Alfie had explained how this scenario "should/could" have gone in a UP way.

I like that he puts the "authoritative" style in it's place. It gets a lot of coverage and is thrown around a lot even on MDC. It is still about control.

And finally, I can't wait to hear a child referred to as having a "behavior problem" again so I can say the child has a "legitimate conflict situation" (p 110) that needs addressing .

I wondered the same thing! And I agree, I hear a LOT of authoritative mindset here, even when the poster doesnt *think* they are authoritative that control shines through and I am basically staring at (metaphorically, since its computer land) at a my mother minus spanking.

[mommabear207]

i think kohn doesn't explain how it should have went as each situation could run its course differently. its reassuring though that he basically says when you realize that you're heading down the wrong road its ok to stop and turn around- and that you are realizing this and taking action is being UP.
anyways while he could have waited (and who knows how long that would have taken)or i think he could have either helped clean up the game-signaling end, lead dc to the bathroom first where dc would internalize bath time= take off shirt ,and so on. also maybe the shirt came off just fine and it wasn't until they were on the stairs dc remembered he wanted to take his shirt off in that case yes stop,turn around and let him do it. i think the crying would have ended right away and dc would realize also that you listened to him right away and thus the hour wouldn't be loss. all we can do really is to try and pay attention to wait dc is telling us- in action or words but sometimes they don't let us know, or we don't catch on in time and then the real UP lesson is that its not too late.
i still think these situations are hard just because now you have to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it. prevention is always easier.
i have to agree was well with seeing a lot of authoritarian mind set around here that isn't ,generally, intended that way. i try to present another view in those situations-who knows maybe some else will be like aha....i hope people will do that for me as well. i know sometimes i fall into that same trap can i come on here going why is my 2 yr old doing this?! some p are like crack down, take it way etc but some give me that aha/ duh (smacking head) moment too. anyways....

[dogretro]

I dont have time right this second, but Im still here! The book starts to pick up for me again w/ this chapter, so I will be back later!

[foodmachine]

Originally Posted by mommabear207

i think kohn doesn't explain how it should have went as each situation could run its course differently. its reassuring though that he basically says when you realize that you're heading down the wrong road its ok to stop and turn around- and that you are realizing this and taking action is being UP.

i have to agree was well with seeing a lot of authoritarian mind set around here that isn't ,generally, intended that way. i try to present another view in those situations-who knows maybe some else will be like aha....i hope people will do that for me as well. i know sometimes i fall into that same trap can i come on here going why is my 2 yr old doing this?! some p are like crack down, take it way etc but some give me that aha/ duh (smacking head) moment too. anyways....

Yes, as I read the next chapter I see why Kohn doesn't or can't explain what he "should" have done.

I want to yell out to everyone that this "authoritative" bs is just more of the same. We are being distracted. It's bait and switch! I'm anti-book burning but I'd like to throw a whole bunch of parenting books to the moon.

I'm really looking forward to the next chapters!

[jwoodbri]

I like this chapter and was somehow unsettled by it all at the same time. When reading the beginning parts of the book I kept thinking... I get it, I understand and fully agree with what he is saying so why can't I do it. The why of course was staring me in the face with this chapter and I think everyone of his points at least to some degree is what is holding me back. Then I wonder can I overcome all that to parent the way I want to parent and not the way I repeatedly find myself parenting???

I'm thankful that he includes examples from his own life. I have certainly been there with the whole clean-up/moving on scenario. I know we have established why he didn't give the solution and I also think that in that instance he didn't figure it all out until he figured it all out. Meaning looking back he realized what he should have done but by then it was too late so he just had to do his best to try to make things right. I have to remind myself of this as I can see this happening to me plenty as I try to switch parenting styles.

I've also begun reading Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves and I think it will hopefully help me in overcoming "What Holds Us Back". I haven't gotten very far in the book but the part I have gotten to includes stopping and thinking about how we are about to respond to our child and then turning our attention back to the child, listening to the child, validating their feelings and empowering them. (Probably not the best summary but I tried...) The hardest part for me I think is being to take a moment when they do something that automatically makes me angry/frustrated etc and reevaluate the situation. I'm looking forward to the upcoming U.P. chapters to hopefully see how Alfie would have us implement U.P. I peeked ahead and saw the list he gives and am thinking I will have to post it somewhere.

[foodmachine]

Originally Posted by jwoodbri

Then I wonder can I overcome all that to parent the way I want to parent and not the way I repeatedly find myself parenting???

I've also begun reading Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

I peeked ahead and saw the list he gives and am thinking I will have to post it somewhere.

First all "yes, you can overcome all that"! That's what we are doing here!

Second, please post at the discussions on "Raising our children..." I am LOVING that book. There are a few of us from this club posting over there as well. It is slow going as there is so much to digest. Just post as it moves you.

And finally, (I talk about this over at one of the "raising our..." threads) I write reminders to myself and leave them around the house. So post your list. We are studying! We have a lot to unlearn, so of course we should use notes if that works for us!

[Super Glue Mommy]

I read UP and ROCROS at the same time, and they seemed to be "working together" as I read them hehehe