raising boys (children) consciously

[megincl]

DS is 9mo and DP and I are committed to raising a strong, healthy boy who makes a contribution to the world. I'm wondering what folks do to raise their boys, or children, somewhat outside of gender stereotypes. We definitely want him to feel empowered to make his own choices, but I think that's just the trick. So many people who we talk to, including our family, make comments, give him things, point him in directions that are so stereotypically male. I'm not quite sure what to do. When people say to DS, "Oh, your blonde hair and blue eyes are too beautiful for you to be a boy," or point him in the direction of playing with trucks and balls, I want to think of creative ways to let him know that he has options. I guess some of this thinking is WAY in advance, but I know that sooner rather than later he'll be picking up all of the hidden messages in the great big world. Just to be clear, it's not that I don't want him to play with and enjoy trucks and balls, etc, but I just want him to feel like there is hopefully not such a disconnect between our home and the greater world, and ultimately to feel that he can make choices about things. Don't know if any of this makes sense, but I'd love to hear the other choices people are consciously making in the more social domain of child raising.

thanks!
megin

[IslandMamma]

Megin, I think this is a great thread. I'm grappling with many of those same issues myself.

I'm wondering if this might get more traffic and answers over on the "parenting" topic?

Just a thought, and I'll try and add my 2 cents worth when my brain has a bit more sleep... hopefully before next year.

[~Jenna~]

There are two books I'm reading called Raising Cain and Real Boys. They both have a lot of insight into the mind of boys. I think I like Raising Cain better because he gives examples of how not to raise the stereotypical boy. I'm not too far into these books yet, but you might want to check them out.

I wish I could really offer some better advice but my ds is only 6 months old! One thing I think we are not going to do is send our ds to a traditional public school because that seems to really, really reinforce the gender stereotypes. I do find myself falling into the trap of buying him all "boy" stuff. It is hard to get out of that mindset. I swore I would never buy him blue clothes or trucks or stuff like that, but here he is with a ton of blue clothes!

[VikingKvinna]

Hi,
New here, but had to join this discussion. When I found out that I was going to have a boy, I made jokes about heading over to Target to buy him his first Barbie.... I have done a lot of academic work, writing and thinking about gender issues in my life, and am actually still struggling to come to terms with the fact that I -- former hardcore gender-bender and queer theorist -- am now a "traditional" stay-at-home mom. I digress, but not really, because I think the first step to raising cool, self-aware and opened-minded children of either gender is being a cool, self-aware, open-minded parent. That sounds cheesy, I know, like "realizing you have a problem is the first step towards solving your problem" but I think it's true, too. You're not out there mindlessly buying Tonka trucks and baseball bats like a Stepford mom, and you're addressing the issue already. Your sons will pick up on your attitude. Your choices, whether all that conscious or not, will reflect your beliefs.

One of the things that concerns me is how to do this -- to offer our little boys alternative ideas and choices -- without coming off as strident and militant, which I think runs the risk of making a huge deal out of the issue, or hypocritical? I started out very vehemently; I was NOT going to dress my son (now 5 1/2 months) in any blue or sports-related clothing, for example. Well, guess what everyone gave me? How to tell my mother's well-meaning coworker that while we appreciate the romper with basketballs printed all over it...you get the idea. So I've adopted a policy of smiling politely and saying thank you (or whatever is the appropriate thing to say) but how to explain to my son, later on down the line, the logic of the little white --and hypocritical-- lie? SO and I joke around about our son's good looks: "He's going to be quite a hit with the ladies, or the men, or whomever he chooses to be with" but unless you've got your armor on and are prepared to do the battle, you just have to check comments like that around some other people, kwim? How do we tell him that while it's OK to play with Barbie at home, he might want to take GI Joe to playgroup...?

So, no answers here, but this is a great thread...looking forward to reading others' ideas and comments.

~nick

[beccaboo]

I have two sons: in April the older one will be five and the younger will be two. I think about these issues as well, especially since ds#1 has come out with some surprisingly sexist comments in the past year, which I attribute in large part to peer influence at his preschool. [One comment I didn't mind was that Disney "princess movies" are for girls - which is fine with me because I really don't want my kids to watch them!]

I recommend the book "The Courage to Raise Good Men." One point I got out of the book is that in addition to (or perhaps even more important than) allowing them to play with dolls, try on barrettes, take a dance class, or whatever, we need to make sure that we're allowing our boys to fully own and express their emotions, which was often not done in the past. Oh, and that it's critical that we mothers stay involved and emotionally connected, and not pull away for fear of, among other things, turning our sons into "momma's boys."

Gotta run for now, but I'll check back in later!

Becca

[megincl]

Nick, I completely know what you mean. Lately I feel like the barrage of transportation-themed clothing just can't stop. I also feel that tension between being polite, and encouraging things at home and then communicating appropriately with DS (when the time comes) about what others out in the world might think.

Becca, this thing about letting boys express emotions seems so huge. Perhaps naively, what is it that stops them? How do others promote this? DS definitely sees me and DP expressing our emotions, although he laughs when I cry. I think this will be a big thing when he is in a more formal care situation or school, but I wonder how to prepare him to not get shut down there, or how to look for the proper place....

I'm not looking for quick answers, as I know this is an inquiry we'll be in for a long time in our household.

Thanks all for the book recs -- I'll definitely check them out!

Can't wait to hear from more folks!
megin

[~Jenna~]

Here's an example from the book Raising Cain about how we subltly don't encourage boys to express their emotions:

So a little boy asks him mom if he has to sit in his carseat. She takes the time to explain about safety and the law, etc. etc. Okay so then he sees a boy crying in the park and asks about it. The mom says "i don't know, come on, lets go". So a lot of times parents will explain things that are benign but they won't explain why a boy is crying. Does that make sense? Also I think boys get made fun of from an early age by other boys if they express emotions other than anger or aggression. Plus sometimes parents will say things like, oh you are a big guy you can handle it instead of letting them be frightened. Okay I know some of this is kind of random, but do you get what I am trying to say?

[oceanbaby]

One point I got out of the book is that in addition to (or perhaps even more important than) allowing them to play with dolls, try on barrettes, take a dance class, or whatever, we need to make sure that we're allowing our boys to fully own and express their emotions, which was often not done in the past. Oh, and that it's critical that we mothers stay involved and emotionally connected, and not pull away for fear of, among other things, turning our sons into "momma's boys."

That's pretty much what I was going to say - expose them to everything, follow their lead, and treat them as a unique person based on who they are, not what gender they are.

My son is 2.5yo, and from the very beginning has been obsessed with balls, and anything sports related. I tried giving him dolls, and he wanted nothing to do with them. I tried to dress him in non boy specific clothes, but it sure is hard to find something that doesn't have either a blue basketball or a pink flower on it.

He is often described as "all boy" because he is very physically oriented - loves all sports, runs, jumps, likes to wrestle and be thrown around. But he is very sensitive to other's feelings, we take a music class, we cook and bake together, he loves art projects and dancing and music. He gets upset when he sees another kid crying, and I've always explained to him that the baby is upset or tired or hungry or whatever. When ds gets upset and cries, we've never told him to 'get over it.'

He is also very secure in his attachment to me - I have had an extreme reaction to anyone suggesting he was a mama's boy. What an insulting thing to say about a 1.5yo. He's a baby, of course he's supposed to be attached to his mother, geez. I remember standing in line at the grocery store one time when ds was about 8 months old, and this guy behind me starting talking to ds. He asked ds something, ds looked at me, and the guy said "What, you've got to look at your mommy for approval for everything?" I turned around and said "He'd better look to his mommy for approval - you're a stranger and he's a BABY!"

And I think a lot of it may be due to the influence of the men in their life. Both my husband, his father and my father (all 3 very important men in ds's life) are sensitive, loving men. Sure, my dh is into sports, my dad fixes cars, etc., but none of them would ever make ds feel embarassed about being into something 'girly.' They all express emotions (I've never seen them cry, though) but none of them are overly macho.

I'm just getting over a bad sickness and it is late and I'm tired and I know I'm not making my point very well. But I think just the fact that you are conscious of this puts you on the right track.
You probably don't have to do much more than that to raise a loving, sensitive, secure man.

[saintmom]

We have six children with one more due any day.only one girl.Some of the more tangible things that I have done over the years are,Each child always had a handmade waldorf style doll.When siblings were being born they usually had their dolly boys wrapped in diapers and being breastfed!Inever interfered with this nurturing playtime.My dh is a good strong man who is not afraid of his emotions,Many times as my older boys were growing up thay saw their father cry.He also has always hugged them and said I love you,Often.They've always had to pitch in and help with housework and outside chores.Basically what you model is how the'll grow up to perceive their world.Kinda scary !

[robin-ma]

When people say stuff to me that I disagree with I (when I have the time/energy/guts) ask why, then when they are explaining it warms me up to disagree. If I don't have time or desire to engage the person, I talk to DS about why I disagree with the view the person has expressed and/or I ask him what he thinks about the expressed view as well. It helps to think of messages you disagree with as opportunities to discuss rather than just bad influences.

[melixxa]

Great topic!

I was just thinking about this this week. My boy is 5 1/2 months, too, but I'm thinking it's never too soon to start pondering these big questions.

When I was pregnant and 100% certain I would have a girl, I ended up getting an u/s and we were informed I would be having a boy. I was flummoxed. I simply could not imagine raising a boy - my family is one big matriarchy (and my brother is gay). I would never say I was *disappointed*, I just couldn't imagine it. I was so worried about having an "all boy" boy - interested in stuff that I couldn't care less about, or even actively dislike - that I found myself hoping my ds would be gay - like my wonderful brother!

Now, with Xmas and the glut of gifts just behind us, I am thinking about it again. I cannot tell you how many sports-themed outfits we have gotten. I hate them and can't imagine putting them on my baby (except for a team jersey I put him in to please Dad - it's for "his" team - and my mom's, lol - she's a huge football fan. Photo op!). Anyway, I don't mind the transportation-themed clothes as much because I'm certain I'd have my girl wearing them too if I had a girl. Better that (for a girl) than the beribboned, lace-encrusted stuff I see clogging the racks of the consignment stores! But I do wish there were more options - for both sexes ...

Although DS is too young to understand, I am already taking umbrage at the gender-biased comments. Just the same way I do when people (EVERYONE, it seems) say things like "Is he a good baby? Does he cry much? Does he sleep through the night?" I hate the way "good" is equated with not crying, sleeping well, basically doing everything that's most convenient for us adults. It's so hard to eradicate stuff like this even from my vocabulary - it's so all-pervasive. Especially siince my baby does not cry much, which amazes me (he is on much more of an even keel than I am emotionally, that's for sure - and I cried every day of my pregnancy so I'm pretty psyched that I didn't "damage" him in some way). It's hard to resist the temptation to respond, "Yes, he is so good!"

Sorry to be OT there. I am very happy that this discussion is going on here and I too would welcome good book recommendations. I want my boy to grow up as free from harmful stereotypes as possible.

[magnoliablue]

I have another great book to suggest....Raising a Son, by Don and Jean Elium...from the time my oldest was a babe until now I have always encouraged him to express his emotions. I am very affectionate and say I love you all the time. He still gets tucked in at 11..lol..and if he knew I posted that he would kill me!...he still picked up gender stereotypes by being around other boys in sports programs..he plays football, and the one thing I hate about it is from 6 years old the coaches get tough on these little boys when they cry. Well if someone stepped on your hand in cleets, wouldn't you cry? They are supposed to "tough it out" and though I can think of many pluses of organized sports, that is not one of them....so I reinforce what I believe, that it is ok to cry when you want to cry, laugh and be affectionate. I think we as parents really have to be the guides to keep these stereotypes from taking hold. I know my son will not cry on a football field..but he will cry when the bigger things in life present themselves, the birth of his child, his wedding day , to name a few..and if he stays that empathetic, I know I am doing somethng right.

[momatheart23]

I have to second the recomendation for Real Boys, I thought it was excellent. My 2.5 year old has been naturally drawn to trucks since he could talk. One of his first words was truck and when he was barely over one he used to yell "TRUCK" very loudly any time we would see one on the freeway, in fact he was so excited the girls 3 year old girls I watch started joining him until I had a loud chorus in the back yelling truck quite frequently as I was driving. He also was making his fingers into a gun from an extremely young age. He is also very empathetic, extremely cuddley, and the biggest sweetheart in the world. I make a point to talk to him about emotions, but I would if I had a girl too. The book talks about how as boys grow they will learn the "boy code" from society, but that it is important that their home always be a safe space to be true to themselves. So I am sure that at some age my son will stop wanting to give me hugs in front of his friends, and act macho around them, but he will know he can always cry with me, and get hugs whenever he wants. Also as others said I think the role models he grows up with are important. My DH likes sports, and works on cars, but he is also an excellent cook, knows how to change cloth diapers, and is emotional. So I know my sons will be raised balanced human beings able to challenge the outdated boy code, and break it down a little at a time.

[pixie-n-hertwoboys]

I just had to jump in here also. I have two boys and let me tell you that when I found out that the first was a boy, I was dumbfounded! I come from a family of 3 girls, my sis had two girls and even all the animals we've had have been female (my poor dad when af hit us all at the same time!) Anyway, I thought I wouldn't know how to raise a boy but you know what? In the 3 years since ds was born I have treated him like I would any other baby - no gender hinderance. He plays w/ 'babies' and gives them milks when they are hungry. He is very well aware that he can express his emotions ( a little too aware at times) : He likes balls, animals, nature, babies, (in fact all his animals all have moms and they get breast fed too its too cute!) he is also all boy too - he loves to wrestle, play football, etc.

I'm not a big one on reading how-to books (not condoning them but I just don't have the time) so I've been going on what feels right to me. Dh is a sensitive, peaceful man so I don't think we will have much problem w/ the whole gender thing. And my dad is the same - he'll play ball but also play animals or whatever.


I dress him in non-character stuff - thats why I like the Gap because mostly they have simple things for boys like plaid and other designs not characters. My most fav is space stuff for him as we are star lovers here in this fam.

All is well for us until he gets in school....

[captain optimism]

We get the gendered clothes, big time. My dh got a perverse thrill out of sending my mom a photo of our baby in a hand-me-down purple flowered onesie. (My mom keeps sending us baby pjs with "4X4 Truck" embroidered on them in big letters. What is less like a big truck than a baby boy, I don't know...) My dh is great, especially since he's the one staying home with my son while I go out work 9-5. He takes him to the local LGBT hangout cafe three times a week.

But you know, there's a lot of messages from outside of your house that little boys get. Our friend is super-duper-hyper feminist and she even whited out the sexist stuff in her son's children's books. I think sometimes that her desire for him to be gentle and nurturing backfires a little. It sometimes seems like she's inadvertently giving a message that boys aren't as good as girls. He's not a particularly gentle boy, he's actually kind of angry in some ways. I've written about this here before. I kind of prefer the method momatheart23 describes of validating "boy" things--let's all yell TRUCK as loud as we can!

I like boys. I want to be conscious not to limit my son, but I also want to be positive about the good things in what our culture calls masculinity.

[jeca]

I so know what you mean about family trying to push them into a certain way. I get so sick of hearing how he should have been a girl with hair or eyes like that. telling him he shouldn't play with babydolls. ON that note I quickly jump in with are you telling him he shoundn't play babies with his sister cause that's what she wants to play and I think it's very nice of him to play with her. That just annoys the hell out of me. Or the stupid idea if you let your son have the freedom to play with what he want you'll screw him up.
But you know it's not just boys girls are given those same defined lines. I just try to blend the lines.

[VikingKvinna]

Let's All Yell "Truck" As Loud As We Can

Yeah, I like that...

I'm reading the posts since I last checked this thread and alternately cracking up ("What is less like a big truck than a baby boy, I don't know...") and nodding my head so hard in agreement that I think it may fall off (" I found myself hoping my ds would be gay"). Wow.

When I had my u/s, the clearest thing on the screen was DS's little unit, pointing skyward. The tech said, "It's a BOY!" and I said, "F***!!!!!" I kid you not. As I told a friend of mine afterwards, "I don't like boys--why would I want to raise one?" My friend's reply: "That's exactly WHY -- think about what a cool boy you will raise." Then I told my therapist, who said, "Oh, Nick...this is a big huge message from the universe..." There is a lot of irony in my having a boy, but a lot of purpose in it too -- for me, personally, as well as for my son. I had to work through some serious issues that I had/have about men during my pregnancy, and I'm certain I'm not finished. If my son were gay, I'd know how to deal with it. Right now I don't know how to deal with a "boy's boy."

But I love, love, love oceanbaby's idea of treating the child as a unique person, gender aside. It's so simple, and so fundamental, but I think this idea does get lost in the wider societal realm of pink vs. blue. A lot of people aren't accustomed to treating their children, let alone others', in this manner; instead, their gender overshadows or prefigures their identity. I think all too often we treat children (AND adults!) based --if not solely, then heavily-- on their gender. I mean, what's the first question we ask of an individual whose gender is uncertain -- whether that's a tiny infant dressed in mint green, or a transgendered adult? "Is that a boy (man) or a girl (woman)?"

I think captain optimism has a great point, too, about not devaluing the masculine in our desire to include the feminine. I don't want to go so far overboard in trying to raise a sensitive and in-touch boy that he becomes ashamed of his gender, or that I raise a boy who is too much like a stereotypical girl, either. I want to operate outside the dyad, not just swing back and forth between its poles. Of course there are some great things about "typical" men, about being male. Neither gender is inherently better or superior; it's the societal stuff--2000 years of living in an inequitable patriarchy-- that places these labels and limits.

As to reacting to comments, I really think it'll be a question of picking my battles. I'm not the kind of person who thinks on my feet, unfortunately, but instead splutter and then spend the next six hours composing the perfect reply in my head, so I do need to do some thinking about how to respond to insensitive comments.

As to the clothes for boys, I've had it not only with the sports stuff, but with the dinosaur/safari outfits and those darn overalls that look like mattress ticking. I keep wondering why the baby-togs industry wants my child to look like Jeff Probst or a train conductor!

Wow. Great posts, everyone! I'm so enjoying this thread.
~nick

[MamaBug]

I have two of the books mentioned but have yet to get around to reading them. I have two boys ages 3 & 5 and I have tried very hard to let them express whatever emotion they have. My dh is in the military so he is very much a "boys don't cry" kind of thinker but over the years I have made him understand how good it is for men to have and be able to share their emotions.

My oldest exhibited empathy at a very early age. He is very loving and kind and I have always told him that if he needs to cry he can cry. That it's ok to be sad and that he should talk to me about it. As far a buying stereptype toys and such, we gave him a kitchen set and things like that and he loved it. He also sees my dh doing the laundry, dishes and such so he knows that not only mommies do these things, even though they are home all day Once he wanted to get princess toothpaste and he caught himself and said " Oh I can't have that it's for girls" I said " No honey if you like it you can get it, you can enjoy pink toothpaste too" He got it and it was delicious, according to him~

[mirthfulmum]

Thanks so much for starting this thread. I too am trying to figure out how to raise a sensitive, caring, loving boy. DS is only a year and a half but DH and I try our best to let him express whatever emotions he has freely and openly. DS is a very empathetic child, which I hear is quite common for boys, as a baby he would always start to cry if another baby near him was in distress. And even now as a toddler he is really uncomfortable and obviously distressed if someone around him is openly unhappy.
I can't say that I've done much reading on the subject but I do have a recommendation for the kids. Does anyone here remember "Free to Be You and Me"? Both DH and I remember absolutely loving our "Free to Be You and Me" book and records when we were kids. So we got the CD for DS this x-mas. Both DH and I smiled as we listened to the stories and songs for the first time since we were children. Most of it is over DS's head right now but he does enjoy listening to many of the songs. And the message of the stories and music are simple. Everyone is welcome to be their own person whom ever that may be. Boys can cry and play with dolls and girls can wear jeans with holes in the knees and travel the world to visit distant lands. The skit between Mel Brooks and Marlo Thomas as babies trying to figure out if they're boys or girls is still as funny at 29 as it was when I was 9. Although DH and I do have a whole new appreciation for the "Parent's are People" song.
I agree it is so empowering to gather as much information as we can to help us raise our sons in a society that just seems so ready to beat them down. I love having something in my home that speaks directly to my son, that will fire his imagination (as it did mine and DH, who is a wonderfully sensitive and empathetic man by the way) and help back up the values we are trying to teach.

[tracymom]

I liked "the Little Boy Book." It talked a lot about the fact that boys ARE different physiologically and how to work with that while not limiting boys to suppressing their emotions. It addresses also the problem of boys being labeled as hyperactive when they are only immature and how important it is to not rush a boy to school before he is ready.

One thing I got out of it and also observe in my two (7 and 4) boys is that they seem to NEED physical activity more than I ever remember needing it. Usually when we have behavior problems, it's like, uh-oh, better get outside and run around, or if it's too cold, go to Burger King's indoor playground and run the tubes.

We've always tried to emphasize verbalizing feelings when possible to try to prevent their feeling like they have to bottle everything up. Oldest DS indeed was so open with his emotions that he did have a problem once he got into kindergarten and had to work out for himself how to express his feelings yet get along with the other students. (He tended to tell others his opinion even if it wasn't too flattering or polite, LOL.) So we worked on tact.

I like the idea of home being a "safe place" where you can just be yourself and not have to act according to how the world expects. We just kind of tie all that in to, you know, it's kind of okay to run around the house naked but we wouldn't do it outside, that kind of thing, "outside" manners versus "inside" manners, as like it or not, there are societal norms that we all have to conform to.

I also spend a lot of time deconstructing advertising and other forms of stereotype reinforcement to my sons. Oldest DS announced some toy on the TV "was for girls" and I asked him why he said that. He said because it was pink. I said color didn't really matter, though I would admit that the girls I knew did seem to like pink things better, but that nothing about the color pink itself made it a girl thing. I didn't catch the glazed look that time, anyway, so I guess he got it. :

One good thing is that DS is the real housekeeper and cook in the family!