Why am I doing this?

[Agatha_Ann]

This is so embarrassing for me to talk about so please don't be mean to me, I really don't know where else I can talk about it.

I have always had unhealthy coping mechanisms. I have struggled with anorexia since I was 8 years old. I am not able to turn to that when I am pregnant or breastfeeding and I go on to other things. When I was 15 and hospitalized for my ED I was obviously not able to control my eating and I found cutting. My husband made me promise not to do that anymore and I haven't in about 3 years. The problem is when I get upset I am not able to calm down untill I do something that hurts.

This morning, the babies were sleeping and we got into a huge fight and I completely freaked out ans started hitting my head against the wall. I fell down and hit my face on the way down. Then my husbnad runs in and starts yelling at me for being so stupid and crazy while I lay on the floor crying and bleeding. He went into our bedroom and layed with the lo's watching them sleep. After awhile they woke up and I nursed and then DH left to do some work and I got in the shower with the lo's and got calmed down and cleaned up.

Why am I so crazy? Why do I do these things? Have you ever heard of anyone like this? I'm on antidepressants which really help day to day, but when we fight I feel like I have no control of my mind and it doesnt help that my dh thinks its annoying when I start crying and tells me to shut up or calls me insane.

[Ruthla]

It sounds like you're having a hard time coping right now, and the anti-depressants aren't doing enough. You may need your meds adjusted. You also should get counseling, if you're not already. You need to learn better skills for coping with these fights.

It would be even MORE helpful if he went to counseling as well, so he doesn't act innapropriately around you. He probably doesn't understand your health issues, and he's dealing with "normal new daddy stuff" on top of it, and counseling would help him to process things better.

[Agatha_Ann]

He won't go to any type of therapy, he thinks mental illness and all things related are complete BS. He agrees that my "crazy pills" help me, but he thinks the only reason they do is because *I* believe they help me. This is pretty much the attitude of my community and it goes even farther when its postpartum depression. This is generally interpreted as "women who hate their baby".

[zonapellucida]

Oh mama, I have been where you are with a DH that doesn't get mental illness. He is fianlly trying but it has beena long hard road and taken a couple of in patient stays for him to truly see that I can't control it. Your DH's reaction can only make it worse. He needs to hear it from someone else. I hope you are able to find the right meds. I am still a guinea pig after 30 years....

[Ruthla]

If he won't go to therapy, then go by yourself. It will still help you, and you can ask the therapist for advice on dealing with him in ways that don't overwhelm you.

He's an adult and you can't make him change if he's not ready to do so.

Mental illnesses are REAL illnesses, with a foundation in your biochemistry. You're sick, not crazy. You can be helped.

[npl]

No fabulous advice, just understand where you are coming from. I agree that you need to see the specialist who prescribes your meds and describe how you are coping. It may be that you need them tweaked, in either dose or combination.
Having someone to talk to is so important, especially if they can objectively suggest coping mechanisms that can get your through the crisis thinking.
As for dh - I wish he could understand, but I also see that he might be having a really hard time dealing with seeing you like this, and needs to retreat rather than being able to confront the situation and help you deal with an intense situation. If you can understand that is why he isn't running to help, maybe it will be less painfull to you when he can't be there to support you when you need it? Not absolving him, just trying to understand and suggest ways for you to cope.
Hugs - I know it's rough, but I'm sure it can get better.

[Agatha_Ann]

Thank you all for your kind words, it really helps.

When I started taking my pills again, they were making me so sick to my stomach every day that I started only taking half at a time with the plan to take the whole pill once I had gotten used to them. I started feeling pretty good on just the half a pill a day and so i just stuck with that. I'm thinking I should start taking the whole pill and see if that helps me out. I also found a pretty journal at the craft store this evening and so i bought that. I think having that as an outlet could possibly be a positive thing.