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I'm really upset at DX right now - Page 2

post #21 of 24
Whoa, everyone here needs to calm down. OP seems to have a mostly decent relationship with her X, but he's still hurting, still saying hurtful things & needs to figure things out. He cannot possibly follow through with his threats, and is completely reliant on her money. This is not (yet) a dangerous situation.

Sharlla - BECAUSE you make more money & X is seen as a SAHD, you could very well LOSE 50/50 custody if you get nasty, and ALSO wind up paying ALL of his legal bills. A nasty fight will also hurt your children. The cheaper, better option (if you can calmly discuss stuff) is to have a divorce mediator help you hammer out a *reasonable* custody and child support plan before the divorce. The mediator will NOT advise either of you to split up the children or move out of state. Mediation is not free, but will save you quite a lot of money and heartache over the traditional, contentious divorce model.

When I left my XH, we were in a similar situation (I made all the money, he was a SAHD), and he was initially full of pain and hurtful rhetoric. The things he said were far, FAR worse than anything in this thread (ever have someone scream "whore," at you loud enough to wake up the neighbors? fun), but we worked it out after a couple of years, and now we're pretty awesome co-parents.

My XH & I have exactly 50/50 physical, joint legal, and total trust. He takes my son out of state 2-3 times a year to visit family & I don't stress. I'm taking DS to Korea next year to visit DP's family, and XH is totally cool. I know exactly what my payments to him are, how long I'll have to pay, how taxes work, etc.

Good luck - I'm sure you'll be able to keep your kids in homeschool, keep your kids close, and keep your kids together... but you may have to shell out for that eHarmony subscription to shut DX up...
post #22 of 24
IMO, screaming "whore" at your ex during a breakup is hurtful but sometimes forgivable. Telling your ex to get "fixed" or you'll take the kids away from her is abusive. The former comes from a place of rage. The latter is pretty much sociopathic. The former expresses anguish. The latter expresses a desire to exert an extreme degree of control over a person who is not under your control in any legitimate way.

That said, I think your suggestion of a mediator might be a good one to try. Maybe the OP's ex is the kind of person who will pull it together when a neutral third party is in the room, and I agree that no sane mediator would support his idea about moving out of state and splitting up the kids.

But OP, I really think you need to prepare for the possibility of a court fight, in consultation with a lawyer who knows the system in your state. The best possible position you can be in at the start of a court fight is to have the kids residing with you on weekdays and going to school. This is what's "normal" to a traditionally-minded judge (of which there are plenty throughout the South!). Also, not incidentally, this would give your ex the chance to go out and get a job and get a life, which might reduce the extent to which he attempts to insinuate himself into YOUR life.

You've got to remember that he's not your ally any more and you can't trust him, but I don't think anybody was suggesting that screaming at him was a good first step. Make it seem like you are helping him by arranging things so that he can get a job. Do it all over email and/or with the mediator, so that if it comes to a court case, you can honestly say "Your Honor, I don't know what to do. I am desperate. I arranged everything so that my ex could go out and get a job and move on with his life. Instead, he has chosen to stay home, not earn a living, keep our kids isolated from their peer group (I know, it's bullshit, I homeschool too, but you say what you need to say), and constantly harass and threaten me. He is trying to force me to sterilize myself. That's why we're here today." Then present your carefully laid out parenting plan.
post #23 of 24
I have to say, I agree with the PPs that are saying that now is the time to look mainstream. It might be a little difficult because it is almost the end of the school year, but at least get them enrolled for next year and start getting your custody plan worked out. Maybe consider enrolling them in day camp on the weekdays over the summer, so you can start the schedule then?
post #24 of 24
Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer View Post
Get a lawyer. File for divorce. Get a written custody plan. Now.

I understand you don't want to get into a court fight. I'm a big fan of DYI (even though I am less than three weeks from being a lawyer)...but this is one situation you can't do yourself. Your ex is trying to blackmail you into giving up your right to see your children for months at a time. He is emotionally abusive--yes, this is abuse, and yes, it is possible for an ex to be emotionally abusive even though you're no longer together. And it is impossible to negotiate successfully with your abuser.

Unless there is some sort of special need I'm missing--and even then--it is completely not in your kids' best interest to be separated from each other--even if they don't get along, they are brothers. My sister and I fought tooth and nail for years, but if we'd been separated, we would have assumed it's because Mom liked her better and Dad liked me better (or vice versa).

Best of luck to you.
I agree, I agree, I agree! Do it now! No tax money is worth losing kids!
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