Help me decide if we should move out of Cali

[joyfulone]

I'm a 35 y.o. SAHM by day, and then I work outside the home in the evenings, 4 nights a week and some saturdays. I have a 3 1/2 y.o. dd and a 1 1/2 y.o. dd. My husband and I bought a tiny 800 square-foot house with no backyard for our german shepherd (we know- that was smart), no storage space (we are in a cluttered explosion), and a mortgage payment that is sometimes equal to the amount of money we each bring in for the whole month (my husband works in sales and business has recently been tragically slow).

We moved into this house (which is worth $100,000 less than when we bought it) the day my 1st dd was born (i'm serious), and I went back to work 5 weeks later with a schedule where my husband speeds home from his job by 4:45 pm each day, then I speed off to my job and get home after 10 each night. This work schedule has taken a big toll on our marriage, the kids cry and complain when I leave for work at night, my husband is so tired after work and then has to do everything by himself at night while I'm working, and it feels like we're never able to catch-up, financially, and we go deeper into debt on credit card balances when we overdraft, etc. Please don't flame me- I know, I'm sure I'm whining.

5% of my husband's co-workers were just laid-off last month, he received a 30% pay-cut in his salary starting this month, and he says he's sure he should be next at being let go since his sales for this past month were barely anything- nothing that will even bring home commission for us, above his tiny base salary.

In the midst of all this, my husband's family out in Missouri have invited him to join them in their business, and they've offered to give him a salary that miraculously qualifies us to buy a beautiful, spacious house in the suburbs, with a mortgage payment that is about 1/3 of what we're paying in Calif. We're thinking that maybe I would just work one night a week to help pay for medical insurance, and I could be home on all the other nights, have time to clean and put away the clutter into allllll the storage space they have there, and my husband and I could have dinners together again, and see eachother more than just on the weekends, when we're both competing for sleep.

Are we crazy to still feel hesitant about seizing this opportunity to move, give me the opportunity to stop working nights, and maybe have the chance to start paying our ridiculously high debt down? My husband is so disappointed to be leaving the beach (just 5 minutes from us), the beautiful sunny weather most of the year, the hustle and bustle of our area, etc. I'm very nervous about the storms and the cold and the high heat- I've lived my whole life in Calif, myself.

But then I think of my kids and think what kind of a life am I giving them by having them live in the crazy stress of our home with dad coming home exhausted and me rushing out the door, with no consistent routine for nighttime, being constantly behind on our bills, and worrying about foreclosure if we can't scrape enough together by the end of the month.

If we take the move to Missouri, we're thinking of trying to negotiate with our mortgage lender to allow us to do a short sale and maybe try to see if we can somehow manage to stop making the enormous mortgage payments- which I know may hurt our credit, but I've hear it wouldn't hurt our credit as much as a foreclosure would.

Would you jump at the chance in a second to take the opportunity in Missouri for you and your family, and just toughen-up and learn how to endure the strong seasons because it's worth it for your family?

It would be great to hear your thoughts or suggestions, and please forgive me if I did sound like I'm whining, but I'm just so tired and it's late at the end of the day while I'm typing this.

Thanks,
joy

[mightymoo]

I would move. But I'm from new england, we actually prefer seasons. Snow can be a lot of fun and we have our own traditions like curling up by a roaring fire together that we enjoy. We also love being near family, I would be miserable all by myself even somewhere nice and warm and beachy.

But seriously, it sounds to me like you have a very appealing option in Missouri, and not a ton of reason to stay in Cali. If you move to Missouri and after a few years are miserable and hate it, you can move back, what have you lost? Sounds like your husband's job is not so great leaving it would be a big loss, you didn't really speak to yours - but just from the hours I would say the same. The house doesn't sound like its one you love and you are unhappy in your current situation.

So, if I were you I would go for it. See how you like it, perhaps don't buy a house right away, just rent so you don't feel locked in perhaps. Either way, if you do it, I think you should make a commitment to yourself - we will live here for 3 years (or something like that) to give yourself time to really settle in and see if you can enjoy it, and also to not have your DH's family feel like you show up and then take off right away. If after 3 years you don't feel you are happy there, look into making a change.

[KatWrangler]

Depends on where in Missouri. Seriously. I was born and raised in St. Louis. I would not move back there eventhough our family is there. But thats me and I would prefer to move back to Colorado which is where my heart is. Sigh....

On the other hand, this might be an excellent opportunity for you. It definately is cheaper.

Oh, we use to live in Southern Cal too.

[avendesora]

I would vote that the quality of the environment inside the home (ie, peace) would outrank the quality of the environment outside the home (sunny beaches). Also, having a connection with extended family will be enriching for them too.

I live in PA, and we have the full seasons here. My kids also enjoy the snow, they've learned to tolerate the cold (bundle up! and play outside), we go to a pool in the summer, enjoy mud puddles in the spring, fall leaves, etc. It's very interesting for them to watch nature change with the seasons. Just make sure you have really good windows so eventually they can play outside and you can watch them while staying warm and dry yourself

Would your DH enjoy the job? Or is there uncomfortable family dynamics that he'd be working with?

Aven

[onlygirls]

I lived in CA my whole life until 2 years ago. We movd to TX and I still miss CA, but all my family is there. I am glad that I have the opportunity to be a SAHM here. There is no way we could have bought a house in CA with me SAH or working. We lived in a 900sqft mobile home on a Marine base. Now DH is out of the Marines and makes a lot more money here. We are going to visit this summer, but we will never move back. I am ok with that...99% of the time.

If I were in the situation you describe, I would consider it. Can you go out there for a visit? We came to TX before I was willing to move and it was the hottest time of year so that I was ready for the humidity. I survived.

I would do what I could to make the house sellable and put it on the market. Will a bank work with you on a short sale without an offer? Get rid of clutter before you move and it will help sell the house.

[EFmom]

If I could get out of the house in CA in some reasonable manner that wouldn't destroy my credit for the forseeable future, I'd move in a heartbeat.

ITA that the environment inside the home trumps the outside. I couldn't live in a place with that kind of COL. I also know that I wouldn't be happy ever working opposite shifts. To me, that's like having all the downside of being a single parent with none of the upside. But I realize it works for some people and that's great.

I would be very worried about your husband's employment situation in CA continuing to deteriorate. If it looks like it would be stable if you moved, that's a huge plus.

I have to admit though that I don't particularly like CA and don't understand the draw.

[Free Thinker]

The recession hasn't hit Missouri as hard as other places, so that is defianately a positive. there have been some lay-offs and slow down in some industries, but overall I think it's minimal. What industry will your DH be in, and are you sure the job will be secure? It sounds lke the current job isnt' really secure either, but I would hate for you to move 1/2 way across the country and end up the same as you were in Cali. I have never lived in a high COL area, and I'm in the sticks of Missouri, very rural, so life is just a lot different than in a big city. Have you visited MO often? If not, I'd say go there for a week and check it out, then make your decision. I love living here!

[KatWrangler]

Originally Posted by Free Thinker

The recession hasn't hit Missouri as hard as other places, so that is defianately a positive. there have been some lay-offs and slow down in some industries, but overall I think it's minimal. What industry will your DH be in, and are you sure the job will be secure? It sounds lke the current job isnt' really secure either, but I would hate for you to move 1/2 way across the country and end up the same as you were in Cali. I have never lived in a high COL area, and I'm in the sticks of Missouri, very rural, so life is just a lot different than in a big city. Have you visited MO often? If not, I'd say go there for a week and check it out, then make your decision. I love living here!

Actually the MO unemployement rate as of March is 8.7%. Granted lower than Cali but still higher than other states.

http://www.bls.gov/web/laumstrk.htm

[lolar2]

We are doing something similar but we have a goal of returning to California after x amount of time, so we will be making decisions with that goal in mind.

[enkmom]

We did this when I was a child. We went from renting a series of tiny little homes to a 2 story mansion on 2 lots. My parents grew a tremendous garden every year, we played outside nearly every day, and we were close to one set of grandparents and cousins our age. For us, it was great.

My mom was born and raised in the Inland Empire, and she did miss her family and her life there. She always points out though that the positives (the house, the low cost of living, the relative safety, the ability to finally get out of debt) far outweighed the negatives.

I would be absolutely certain that the job you were coming for is SECURE. Plants are closing and companies are moving elsewhere. The only jobs that are coming in are retail. People have jobs, but many of them are underemployed. The suggestion to come check if out first, if feasible, is a good one. I like living here (technically, right across the river in Illinois), my mom grew to like living here, but some people never get used to it. It certainly sounds like a good opportunity for your family, though.

[mamatoakd]

I understand your situation as we're also in CA but grew up in other areas of the country. It would take something huge to get DH to move away from here (even the last big wildfire wasn't enough to get him to want to move).

How much quality of life comes from living exactly where you do right now? If you were to move for the job, would you be able to come back on vacations? Could you plan to raise your kids where you can make a living and retire at the beach?

Not sure where in CA you guys are, but real estate prices are still falling. If that's a concern, I'd cut those losses now. It seems that a lot of people around us who bought within the last five or six years can't imagine that it could get worse, but it probably will.

Job market is also pretty bad. Even profitable companies around here are cutting back.

I agree with the pp's who have recommended going back to MO for a week or two, check things out and really think about cutting your losses. If you're already in debt, your DH's income isn't stable and you're losing money on your house, this may be the sign that it's time to try something else.

Good luck with the decision!

[Sharlla]

We moved from western WA to MO for the very reason that housing is cheap (and DX's parents moved here) I just bought a beautiful 3 bed home for 50k (payments $297 a month) You couldn't touch this house for less than 200k over there.

Living here isn't that bad, buggy and muggy in the summer, tornados in the spring and ice storms in the winter. But you get 4 seasons, the people are friendly and again the COL is a lot less. Unemployment is a lot less here as well.