Originally Posted by gun
Bella - this may sound harsh, but I wish I could have heard it when I was in my first marriage. If he stays with you, what do you get out of the situation. You get this man who treats you like this. Not a better man, not a different man, and not the man you fell in love with. You get this man. Although I have no experience w/ military personnel, I know this ain't right for sure.
If this was under normal circumstances I might agree with you, but war f*cks you up in was you can't even begin to comprehend.
Originally Posted by BellaLuna Rayne
At this point, I don't know what I will get. He has never acted this crazy before in our entire 4 years. He had anger issues when he came back from the first deployment but, he did counseling and things got better. Even his family says he is not acting right and his brother said "he is a piece of sh** and will always be a piece of sh**." So for him to say that my DH is not acting right, means that something is WAY off.
I am not gonna lie, we have had our problems when he is home too. Its never been anything like this though. This, this is a whole new level of crap.
Bella, this is soooo hard. I really feel for you. I think it's obvious this war is affecting him, and as sad and difficult as it is, it's also to be expected. This may not be what you want to hear, but I'd urge you not to make any decisions right now. Don't be a doormat, but also try to remember that we have no idea what he's experienced over there. Our soldiers have been asked to do some pretty sh*tty things over there and it really messes with their mental health. I know you know this. I can tell you that divorce is NOT the easy way out. It's tough, even under the best circumstances. Having been through it, I advise my friends to think of it only as a last resort. It's not the easy way out people often think it is. It's even worse when there are kids involved.
I don't know either of you, your history, or what type of person he was, or what type of relationship you had before this war started. I do know from what little information you've posted that he's clearly not well, and because of that not treating you well. You're an easy target. But, he's going through hell right now over there (and I know you are too, and it's so hard when you are so far away and have no control. I know, I've been there). If you can, maybe you could just hold on for now. As hard as it is, give him space if he needs it so he feels safe to come home and eventually get the counseling he so obviously needs (and as I said a month or so ago, might be better served by a civilian counselor) and can start talking. He may never tell you what happened to him over there, but your love and support can really help him once he gets back to deal with it and start healing (that doesn't mean you accept abuse from him). He may never be the person he was before he left, but that doesn't mean you can't work through this and be happy once again. Many soldiers that act out after war because they are ashamed of what they did/saw in the war zone and that they feel like no one can ever understand how it has changed them.
In the meantime, take care of yourself. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Find activities that make you feel fulfilled. Keep seeking help from the FRG. Maybe you could find other vets/families who have been through similar situations (either from this war, or others in the past. Vietnam vets & their families are often good resources for this sort of thing). Have your own life, so if it does ultimately come to an end, you won't be flailing and feeling quite so lost as you might without that foundation.
Please know I am in no way minimizing your pain or your experience. It sucks! You don't deserve it. So many families fall apart during war. Your sacrifice and your service are just as real and as tramatic as his. When DP retired, his unit made a point of honoring the wives of the retiring soldiers and acknowledging that they, too serve and sacrifice as much as the soldier himself. I was only with DP the last few years of his service, but I get it.
I wish I was there so I could take you out to lunch and give you a big
I hope I haven't offended.