Co-sleeping with older children - tell me I'm not crazy. - Page 2

[swiesz]

my 6yo ds#1 and 4yo ds#2 sleep together in ds#1's queen bed, but i lay down with them until they fall asleep. 1y/o ds #3 sleeps with me in his queen size bed and we are often joined by Ds 1 or 2 sometime in the night. dh sleeps in our bed (he can not get any sleep with the kiddos, he can't even stand the dog in the room).
this is what works for us.

[MomToKandE]

You're not alone. (we may both be crazy, not sure about that LOL)

My 5 year old sleeps in the king bed with me and dh. My 8 year old sleeps in a twin bed right next to the king.

The 8 year old talks about wanting to move to her own bed but when bedtime rolls around she gets scared and doesn't want to. I'm not sure if I should nudge her out to help her make the switch or keep encouraging her to do whatever she wants at the moment.

[skolbut]

As long as it's their choice, who cares??? You get to sleep with your kiddos, they get the security of sleeping with you, and that's what they want! Yay!!

We too have musical beds, also musical recliner when the baby is sick.

I have a friend who has musical beds with her 4 and 8 year olds. I also have a friend whose 3 kids sleep together in the master bedroom and mom and dad sleep together in one of the smaller rooms. Whatever works!!

[beanma]

A Queen and a Twin make a lovely big bed. We have that arrangement in our big bedroom, but I am looking to rearrange this summer. My kids are 8 and 5 and both still sleep with me, but DH doesn't like sleeping with us so much (or actually doesn't like getting kicked) anymore so he usually chooses to sleep on the couch (we do have a guest room bed he could use, but he chooses the couch). We put the twin on the floor next to the queen when our youngest was 1 or 2. It has worked out really well for us and is very spacious.

This summer, though, I'm planning on painting our girls' shared bedroom and putting the twin from the big bedroom in there with the other twin that's already in there. I plan to maybe cable tie them or otherwise affix them together and make a king. Did you know that two twins put together equal a king? They do. We have a set of king sheets and I recently bought a king mattress pad so I'll make a king in their room and revert the family bedroom back to just a queen for DH and me. I plan to lie down with the girls until they fall asleep and DH can have a grown-up bedroom again. I'll join him after they fall asleep. If they need me I'll go back to them. I can't really handle sleeping with them in anything less than a king. A queen is just too tight.

Something like that might be a workable plan for you if you don't want to start out with expanding the family bed at this time. I figure that when the girls want their own beds I'll just separate the twins and they can each have one. Keeping my fingers crossed that it works!

OP: I just read your blog about your 3 yr old. I would definitely not think twice about continuing to cosleep with a little one who was sick. Let the in-laws say what they will. She needs you!

[LaughinWillow]

Wow. I have a 15 year old daughter, and she would come get in bed with me nearly every night until she was 11 - and even then she would have continued, but we moved in with my fiance (now dh), and I was at least conscious enough to realize that even though I trusted him completely to sleep with her, schools/doctors/whatever might not feel the same way...

Anyway, my almost-5 year old ds and almost-2 year old ds sleep in bed with my husband (and used to be me too, till we had ds #3 last week!). I just think it's crazy to tell children that they have to sleep alone. Who wants to sleep alone? Sleeping alone (for children, but often even for adults) is often scary, lonely, and cold in winter. I think that Americans are so hypersexual that just the thought of a bed is linked to sexuality. So eventually - to the modern mainstream US way of thinking - if you sleep in bed with a child, eventually something sexual is going on. Or if that's too extreme, there's the whole desperation to force children to be "independent" from birth, forcing them to sleep in cages alone, rather than snuggled up against a warm human being where they belong.

Just cuz society's crazy doesn't mean you have to be!

[Sijae]

I slept with my mom till I was about 9. My daughter is 7 and slept with me for most of the last year. Recently we moved and have no beds so DH and I have a queen air mattress. It's bad enough just with the 2 of us so there's no way we can do more. She's been sleeping in her room ok since we got here but occasionally I go and sleep with her since I miss her.

[ChinaDoll]

Your idea sounds like a wonderful set-up!

FWIW, we had a family bedroom (2 mattresses) until DD decided she wanted to sleep in her own room at age 4.5. DS only just moved to his own room at age 5. They are normal, and it's also totally normal for kids to sleep even longer in their parents' bedroom (family bedroom).

If you're really worried about grandparents, why not set the bed back up in one of the kids' bedrooms, house grandparents there, and say, well, since the kids are displaced, they can sleep in Mom and Dad's room tonight ... grandparents won't think a thing about it (trust me )

[boatbaby]

Originally Posted by prothyraia

Actually, for most of history in most of the world families would only ever have had one bedroom/sleeping space for everyone. There's absolutely no reason to sleep separately if everyone in the family is happy curling up in bed together

You rock! Absolutely! We still happily sleep with our almost 5 year old and I can't imagine not having him cuddled with us at night.

[D'sMama]

When you said "older children", I was imagining like 10 and 12 or something. 3 and 5 is so young still!

I think people in the US associate bed sharing with sex, since it's most common to share a bed with a sexual partner, we refer to sex as "sleeping with" someone, etc. ...which is probably why some people get uncomfortable with the idea of bed sharing with children at all, even though most people do it at least occasionally. Silly, but whatever. Other people's hang-ups shouldn't be your problem.

Recently, I was talking with a certain in-law, who asked me when DS would move to his own bed (he's only 4 months!). I said "when he wants to" and smiled. She then said she knew a family where the wife was sleeping with the 3 year old daughter and the husband was sleeping separately. She said they had really screwed up priorities. :

If it works for your family, what does it matter to anyone else, right?

[MaryJaneLouise]

Did you ever notice how many kid's books talk about "monsters under the bed" and such? Young kids like yours are not ready to be by themselves at night.

Your bed doesn't need to be on the floor, if you don't like being on the floor. If you live in a high humidity area, sometimes mattresses on the floor can mold and mildew.

Put all the mattresses up on bed frames. Bungee cord the legs of the beds together tight so there is no gaps between mattress. Scooch one edge of the bed up against the wall, and put a bed guard on the "out"side. Voila! A super-deluxe-extra-double-king bed!

Happy dreams!

[chrisgb]

Question about cosleeping

i am asian so co-sleeping for smaller children is a part of our culture, and that's what i did with all of our babies. however, my daughter is 9 years old now and my husband sleeps with her in her single bed. he also sleeps without a shirt (which he has always done) i'm not concerned at all that something inappropriate is happening, but it may not be good for her emotional development and evolving sexual identity. i think he does it partially because we don't have a great marriage and so he has invested all of his emotional energy into our daughter. i've suggest he either sleep in a trundle next to her. thoughts?

[Beebsmom]

I fully plan on letting DS sleep with us until about age 2 or so...and then transition to a bed besides ours...then across the room...and eventually into his own room.  The only issue my SIL had with her little girl is that at age 9 she wanted to start going to sleepovers and having them, but was afraid/had anxiety about sleeping without her parents.

In my opinion it isn't a big deal...SIL just helped her transition to her own bed SLOWLY...but that was only b/c she showed signs she wanted to sleep on her own.

Hubs says age 7-8 is when he would like DS in his own room...however that could drastically change if we decide to have another baby.

I have been a child welfare advocate for over 10 years now, and CPS can't do a single thing because you co-sleep. If there are no other indications of abuse...they don't consider co-sleeping abuse...especially if the child has their own bed but chooses not to use it.

Do what is best for your family, and I say let your kids choose when they feel ready!

[babamamma]

I've slept with my son since he started standing up in his crib and threatened to climb out. We have 2 bedrooms, one is ours the other is mine (separated). I read to him, and we have a little chat, cuddle then he falls asleep. I get up and go to my own room or watch tv. Then I either sleep with him or sleep in my own bed. Invariably he comes and gets me at some point 1am usually and I spend the rest of the night there. It seems to be ablsolutely fine with both of us. He knows where to find me if he wants me. And if I have trouble falling asleep or he is kicking etc. I stay in my own bed. He's 5 now and I've been worried if I'm doing him any harm by carrying on like this. I'm glad to know that I'm not. He's an only child and with the separation I think it is very reassuring and comforting to know I am there for him. When he goes to sleep he rolls over and is very content and so am I. I don't feel there is any odd connection forming between us. Only that he is comforted that I am near him.

[Magali]

Originally Posted by prothyraia 

Originally Posted by sunnylady303

Am I the only one in the world who sleeps with her older children?

Actually, for most of history in most of the world families would only ever have had one bedroom/sleeping space for everyone. There's absolutely no reason to sleep separately if everyone in the family is happy curling up in bed together

Indeed!  I can't imagine being any cozier than when my family (dh, me, 3.5 year old ds and 4 month old dd) are all cuddled together in our family bed.  We have a queen and a double pushed together and it is great.  OP, what you plan to do with your beds sounds like a great idea.  I don't think I would be very happy with our family bed if it wasn't big enough.

I think it is weird to think a family bed is weird.  I can't tell you how happy I am that we discovered how natural and right it is.

[laohaire]

I never slept with my parents, so until I was 22 and met he-who-was-to-become-my-DH, I'd never slept touching ANYONE before.

It's hard for me. And it makes me sad. I would really like to cuddle with DH at night, but I just can't sleep that way.

We both coslept with DD until she was 3, and I was in really bad shape sleep-wise. So at that point, I moved to the guest room. DD stayed in the bedroom with DH. Yeah, our society would have all sorts of sick things to say about that, but it's the society that is sick, not us. DD just wants to be with someone, and DH is a comforting presence for her. So now I sleep alone, and DH and DD share a bed. I like the idea that she will grow up to want to cuddle with her partner at night.

DD is going to visit her grandparents by herself for a few days for the first time (they live 4 hours drive away). DD says she will be fine sleeping in her own bed in her own room while she's there. She does still want her grandmother to stay with her until she's asleep, though. (But that doesn't take too long anymore).

[Shami]

I am struggling with this right now. I understand that most who answered this thread are completely comfortable and happy with cosleeping until the child decides not to anymore. I would be okay with it, but... I am concerned that when she is older she won't be able to stay anywhere without me. Even now, I'd like to leave her at G,ma and G,pas house, but i'm afraid she won't do well. she is 3 1/2. And down the road I am expecting her to want to do sleep overs or our church camp (starts in 6th grade). If she never transitions to her own room, she may have to miss out on activities because she isn't secure unless she is in bed with us. Some may think it's a silly concern, but i personally know 2 kids who are in 5th and 6th grade and cannot stay anywhere, but in bed with parents. To the OP: I don't think your crazy, i'm just thinking down the road some. i think there is some value for children to feel secure enough to sleep at other peoples' houses.

[eastvanmom]

Before my 2 (8 & 5) kids were born I was really critical of my cousin for cosleeping with her girl, and now I really regret having given her a hard time.  I didn't understand before I had my own and my upbringing was pretty strict about NOT cosleeping.  When mine were born it just worked for us to snuggle - my daughter didn't sleep well unless she was with us and I tried to Ferberize and that was a nightmare and just felt wrong in my gut.  Even Ferber has apologized for having hurt so many families!  My HB is a light sleeper so soon moved into the spare room and left me with the kids in the queen bed.  We have bedrails on both sides and my 8 yo goes back and forth to her own bed.  Within the last month she has expressed frustration that she's not ready to do sleepovers when "all the other kids are doing them" and that she wants to be more independent - which I'm applauding and we're talking about how to help her get herself ready, so we agreed that she will start each night in her own bed now and work on getting more nights on her own.  Funny thing is that almost 'all the other kids' are, according to their parents, also not ready to do sleepovers - even ones who sleep in their own beds!  

I'm not one of those parents who is anxious to unload my kids and I don't need them to be independent for my sake, it's got to work for them.  My 5 yo is not at all interested in his little bed. 

It's good to read these posts - sometimes I need reassurance that we're not harming our kids by just going with what works.  So many of my friends are really focussed on "sleep training" and devoting so much energy and discipline to making sure their kids sleep all night in their own beds. 

I find it very interesting to hear from grown-up kids who coslept with their parents and remember it - are you all screwed up?

[Shami]

Eastvanmom, when you said this," I'm not one of those parents who is anxious to unload my kids and I don't need them to be independent for my sake, it's got to work for them.  My 5 yo is not at all interested in his little bed."  It reminded me of some other posters who have this kind of concept.  I know you didn't mean any offense. 

My dd being able to stay with grandparents over night is an important thing to me because i think it is an important skill for her to have.  Also, when i was a kid, around the 6th grade, so 12 years of age, sleep overs became a big thing for me.  While I don't care if my dd doesn't want to do a sleep over in her entire life, that would be fine with me.  But what is not fine is if she is in the 6th grade and cannot sleep at grandma's due to her insecurity of being with out me.  I want her to feel secure where ever she sleeps.

I agree age eight is probably too young for most for sleep overs...unless it's at grandma's house. 

Anyway, my seeing value in her being able to sleep somewhere without me is all about her learning to be confident and secure, and has nothing to do with me being anxious to unload my kiddo.  And it has nothing to do with me wanting her to be independent for MY sake, rather it is for her sake.  Just because I want her to get used to sleeping in her bed or at grandma's it doesn't mean that i fall into those two categories that you mentioned.  Actually, I absolutely love cosleeping and would like to do it for a long time.  I happen to think that it is important for kids to be able to do both, for their sake, not mine.

I just felt the need to clarify that...really no hard feelings on my part.

[ChelseaWantsOut]

I slept with my parents off and on until I got married, pretty much, Haha. I went to college hundreds of miles away, but when I came home for holidays I would usually spend at least one night in their bed. Also, my grandma slept with me when I spent the night at her house until I was a teenager. I did sleepovers just fine, sleepovers entail sleeping either in your friend's bed, or on the floor in a sleeping bag right next to your friend. I think if a kid can't sleep without his/her parents at ten, it's not caused by continued cosleeping. There's something else stressing that kid out.

As for whether I'm screwed up, well, aren't we all on some way? I'm living on my parents' basement to save money right now, is that messed up? I feel like I'm pretty well-adjusted, and I have spent long periods of time sleeping alone, for 6 months I lived alone in a studio apartment, and one summer I lived alone in a platform tent (I was a camp counselor). I definitely prefer to sleep snuggled up with DH and DS.

[laohaire]

I already wrote, but I just wanted to point out that my 5 year old feels confident about doing her sleepover at her grandmother's. It hasn't happened yet, so I don't know if she will have problems when she actually is there, but she says she's fine about it. I don't think we created a monster at all, and I think she'll be fine. Even kids who sleep in their own beds at home might have to adjust a little to sleeping at grandma's by themselves for the first time.

And as for people who got screwed up, I can't sleep with anyone... having never coslept. Isn't that kind of screwed up, not to be able to cuddle with your own husband at night? Oh, I can cuddle - awake. But sleeping, I can't touch anyone, or I absolutely cannot sleep.