this is what works for us.
- 165 Posts. Joined 6/2006
- Location: durham, nh
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this is what works for us.
I fully plan on letting DS sleep with us until about age 2 or so...and then transition to a bed besides ours...then across the room...and eventually into his own room. The only issue my SIL had with her little girl is that at age 9 she wanted to start going to sleepovers and having them, but was afraid/had anxiety about sleeping without her parents.
In my opinion it isn't a big deal...SIL just helped her transition to her own bed SLOWLY...but that was only b/c she showed signs she wanted to sleep on her own.
Hubs says age 7-8 is when he would like DS in his own room...however that could drastically change if we decide to have another baby.
I have been a child welfare advocate for over 10 years now, and CPS can't do a single thing because you co-sleep. If there are no other indications of abuse...they don't consider co-sleeping abuse...especially if the child has their own bed but chooses not to use it.
Do what is best for your family, and I say let your kids choose when they feel ready!
I've slept with my son since he started standing up in his crib and threatened to climb out. We have 2 bedrooms, one is ours the other is mine (separated). I read to him, and we have a little chat, cuddle then he falls asleep. I get up and go to my own room or watch tv. Then I either sleep with him or sleep in my own bed. Invariably he comes and gets me at some point 1am usually and I spend the rest of the night there. It seems to be ablsolutely fine with both of us. He knows where to find me if he wants me. And if I have trouble falling asleep or he is kicking etc. I stay in my own bed. He's 5 now and I've been worried if I'm doing him any harm by carrying on like this. I'm glad to know that I'm not. He's an only child and with the separation I think it is very reassuring and comforting to know I am there for him. When he goes to sleep he rolls over and is very content and so am I. I don't feel there is any odd connection forming between us. Only that he is comforted that I am near him.
Indeed! I can't imagine being any cozier than when my family (dh, me, 3.5 year old ds and 4 month old dd) are all cuddled together in our family bed. We have a queen and a double pushed together and it is great. OP, what you plan to do with your beds sounds like a great idea. I don't think I would be very happy with our family bed if it wasn't big enough.
I think it is weird to think a family bed is weird. I can't tell you how happy I am that we discovered how natural and right it is.
I never slept with my parents, so until I was 22 and met he-who-was-to-become-my-DH, I'd never slept touching ANYONE before.
It's hard for me. And it makes me sad. I would really like to cuddle with DH at night, but I just can't sleep that way.
We both coslept with DD until she was 3, and I was in really bad shape sleep-wise. So at that point, I moved to the guest room. DD stayed in the bedroom with DH. Yeah, our society would have all sorts of sick things to say about that, but it's the society that is sick, not us. DD just wants to be with someone, and DH is a comforting presence for her. So now I sleep alone, and DH and DD share a bed. I like the idea that she will grow up to want to cuddle with her partner at night.
DD is going to visit her grandparents by herself for a few days for the first time (they live 4 hours drive away). DD says she will be fine sleeping in her own bed in her own room while she's there. She does still want her grandmother to stay with her until she's asleep, though. (But that doesn't take too long anymore).
Before my 2 (8 & 5) kids were born I was really critical of my cousin for cosleeping with her girl, and now I really regret having given her a hard time. I didn't understand before I had my own and my upbringing was pretty strict about NOT cosleeping. When mine were born it just worked for us to snuggle - my daughter didn't sleep well unless she was with us and I tried to Ferberize and that was a nightmare and just felt wrong in my gut. Even Ferber has apologized for having hurt so many families! My HB is a light sleeper so soon moved into the spare room and left me with the kids in the queen bed. We have bedrails on both sides and my 8 yo goes back and forth to her own bed. Within the last month she has expressed frustration that she's not ready to do sleepovers when "all the other kids are doing them" and that she wants to be more independent - which I'm applauding and we're talking about how to help her get herself ready, so we agreed that she will start each night in her own bed now and work on getting more nights on her own. Funny thing is that almost 'all the other kids' are, according to their parents, also not ready to do sleepovers - even ones who sleep in their own beds!
I'm not one of those parents who is anxious to unload my kids and I don't need them to be independent for my sake, it's got to work for them. My 5 yo is not at all interested in his little bed.
It's good to read these posts - sometimes I need reassurance that we're not harming our kids by just going with what works. So many of my friends are really focussed on "sleep training" and devoting so much energy and discipline to making sure their kids sleep all night in their own beds.
I find it very interesting to hear from grown-up kids who coslept with their parents and remember it - are you all screwed up?
Eastvanmom, when you said this," I'm not one of those parents who is anxious to unload my kids and I don't need them to be independent for my sake, it's got to work for them. My 5 yo is not at all interested in his little bed." It reminded me of some other posters who have this kind of concept. I know you didn't mean any offense.
My dd being able to stay with grandparents over night is an important thing to me because i think it is an important skill for her to have. Also, when i was a kid, around the 6th grade, so 12 years of age, sleep overs became a big thing for me. While I don't care if my dd doesn't want to do a sleep over in her entire life, that would be fine with me. But what is not fine is if she is in the 6th grade and cannot sleep at grandma's due to her insecurity of being with out me. I want her to feel secure where ever she sleeps.
I agree age eight is probably too young for most for sleep overs...unless it's at grandma's house.
Anyway, my seeing value in her being able to sleep somewhere without me is all about her learning to be confident and secure, and has nothing to do with me being anxious to unload my kiddo. And it has nothing to do with me wanting her to be independent for MY sake, rather it is for her sake. Just because I want her to get used to sleeping in her bed or at grandma's it doesn't mean that i fall into those two categories that you mentioned. Actually, I absolutely love cosleeping and would like to do it for a long time. I happen to think that it is important for kids to be able to do both, for their sake, not mine.
I just felt the need to clarify that...really no hard feelings on my part.
I already wrote, but I just wanted to point out that my 5 year old feels confident about doing her sleepover at her grandmother's. It hasn't happened yet, so I don't know if she will have problems when she actually is there, but she says she's fine about it. I don't think we created a monster at all, and I think she'll be fine. Even kids who sleep in their own beds at home might have to adjust a little to sleeping at grandma's by themselves for the first time.
And as for people who got screwed up, I can't sleep with anyone... having never coslept. Isn't that kind of screwed up, not to be able to cuddle with your own husband at night? Oh, I can cuddle - awake. But sleeping, I can't touch anyone, or I absolutely cannot sleep.