Making budgetary changes without informing your partner...

[madsommer]

I need to alter a few things in the budget. The first two, and easiest two that come to mind are cell and cable. I don't think DH woudl be too upset if I lowered usage for the cell phone bill. But I know I can immediately save 25$ by cutting down our cable package. Problem is...it would get rid of all of DH's sports channels and he's really into it. I know that If i discuss it with him before hand, he won't want me to change it and he'll get upset (been down this road a few times already). But given our situation, I know it's best and am thinking about going ahead and doing it without telling him first. Is this too deceitful?

(In the past I've posted about his irresponsible spending and refusal to give up his luxuries even though we can't afford them. After re-working some numbers, I've found that we are already at least $40 in the hole each month and that's without being completely honest with myself...so I have to make some changes like, yesterday).

[beansmama]

I'm not for deceiving your spouse...

That being said, a marriage is a *partnership*. He's not the king of the castle that gets to make all the financial rules. You can put your foot down and make decisions too, I'd just say, "Look - this is the way it is, we are in the hole each month, we need to start being responsible and I'm going to make that happen".

Be fair though. Are YOU getting to spend unnecessary money somewhere as well? If so...nix that asap.

Good luck.

[madsommer]

Originally Posted by beansmama

I'm not for deceiving your spouse...

That being said, a marriage is a *partnership*. He's not the king of the castle that gets to make all the financial rules. You can put your foot down and make decisions too, I'd just say, "Look - this is the way it is, we are in the hole each month, we need to start being responsible and I'm going to make that happen".

Be fair though. Are YOU getting to spend unnecessary money somewhere as well? If so...nix that asap.

Good luck.

This is one point of contention between us with regard to finances. I give him a certain amount for his "fun" money (alcohol) which he stilll blows through and then spends additional money because: a hot dog tastes good with beer; tacos taste good with beer; pizza and spaghetti taste good with wine; fig newtons taste good, etc. I bought myself a one yr sub to a magazine for $13 as my treat to myself. I gave up all of my luxuries and he wont give up his because he "needs" them. (sorry for the rant). So I guess that's why I feel as though I just need to do what needs to be done.

[rebeccalynn]

I am the person in charge of the budget in our marriage and I personally would never make a change like that behind my dh's back. If my income was less than my expenses then I would list things in order of necessity (ie house/rent, electric/gas, water/sewer, food) and then you guys talk about what is next. Cable is not a necessity like eating out and other things are not also. I also agree that you need to make sure that you are not getting "toys" when you are asking him to reduce cable. In the end you should not go into debt, something has to go.

[nannymom]

I think it's gross for any memeber of a family to have a luxury that is hurting the rest of the family. Sometimes when you can't make ends meet you have to give stuff up it's tuff but it's life. If your family is barely able to survive each month than he has to give it up. It's too bad if it's hard for him. I'm guessing from your post that you make sacrafices with money that are hard for you too.

[mtm]

I'm sorry, that's a tough spot to be in. I'm guessing you've already sat down and gone over the budget with him? What is his suggestion for your money trouble? I normally would not agree to cutting off the cable without his agreement but if you're in the hole every month and he won't change his behaviour i'm not sure what I would do. Will he just charge something new to spite you if you do this?

[madsommer]

Originally Posted by mtm

I'm sorry, that's a tough spot to be in. I'm guessing you've already sat down and gone over the budget with him? What is his suggestion for your money trouble? I normally would not agree to cutting off the cable without his agreement but if you're in the hole every month and he won't change his behaviour i'm not sure what I would do. Will he just charge something new to spite you if you do this?

I have gone over this with him many, many times. His suggestion for the money trouble is to wait it out...that he hopes he'll get a promotion/a raise...that's there's nothing else to do. But obviously I know there are other things for us to do. Fortunately there are no more credit cards that can be used.

I think what I'll do is still tell him what my plans are, and still follow through even if he is resistant. He did put me in charge of the finances...

[rebeccalynn]

Originally Posted by madsommer

This is one point of contention between us with regard to finances. I give him a certain amount for his "fun" money (alcohol) which he stilll blows through and then spends additional money because: a hot dog tastes good with beer; tacos taste good with beer; pizza and spaghetti taste good with wine; fig newtons taste good, etc. I bought myself a one yr sub to a magazine for $13 as my treat to myself. I gave up all of my luxuries and he wont give up his because he "needs" them. (sorry for the rant). So I guess that's why I feel as though I just need to do what needs to be done.

I was posting during your last post ... if that is the true situation the you guys need to talk with a marriage counselor b/w this is not just about money.

[Carolinamidwife]

I agree with beans.

It sounds like your dh is a little childish when it comes to money. Also, it sounds like you have given up way more than he has... it might be time for him to wake up and face the financial reality. Or get another job.

I probably wouldn't do it behind is back but I would tell him it's either his alcohol budget or his precious cable.

And, FWIW, I really bristle when I read these threads and I see woman after woman advising other women that they are the ones who need to sacrifice for the budget. It seems like you're doing all you can do.

[nannymom]

Originally Posted by Carolinamidwife

I agree with beans.

It sounds like your dh is a little childish when it comes to money. Also, it sounds like you have given up way more than he has... it might be time for him to wake up and face the financial reality. Or get another job.

I probably wouldn't do it behind is back but I would tell him it's either his alcohol budget or his precious cable.

And, FWIW, I really bristle when I read these threads and I see woman after woman advising other women that they are the ones who need to sacrifice for the budget. It seems like you're doing all you can do.

This bothers me too. So often I see threads where people have x amount of money for groceries and don't know how they'll make it b/c their Dh has to have meet and I think your family is broke you can't have everything you want all the time.

[Chicky2]

Well, I agree that something has to change. It is way too stressful to be in the hole each month, when it can easily (may not be easy at first to live w/it!) be remedied.

ITU about the alcohol budget. Recently I sat my dh down and showed him on paper how much $ he was spending on alcohol. We've had issues w/this for years now, but it finally came to a head when he called me saying his card wouldn't go thru, then another wouldn't go thru, then a third! He had 2 ccs w/a $300 limit, and a debit card, and I'd been changing things around so that he had the ccs to use (one per week, not both!) for gas and his beer. He quickly ran up both of them in less than 2 wks for gas, eating out, beer, energy drinks (ick), etc,. It is just too easy to swipe and forget what you've spent! He makes a really good living for where we live so he just couldn't understand why the cash/credit weren't free-flowing. (nevermind that we just had to put a new transmission in his truck, and he knew I was behind in paying the mortgage and that was more important to pay than him getting beer!). My situation is compounded by the fact that my dh is an alcoholic. He finally admitted it just 3 days ago, and is really taking steps (including a group) to fix it and the damage he's done to my family and our relationship. When he found out that he'd spent $404 on alcohol in ONE month, he saw the light. I had told him flat out that it was to the point where he fix this, and I'd support him any way I could, or he would have a packed suitcase waiting for him.

I know that all goes a bit OT, but just sorta, since it deals w/finances.

I told him that I would from now on be paying the bills first, w/no worries if there was not beer money left afterwards. We should have $600 left each month after bills, for goodness sake! He can take it or leave it (and us, because I ain't movin'!).

Smartly, he chose to take it. If something your partner is doing is affecting the quality of life of the household, you have to put your foot down. If he can't see this for what it is, you have far deeper issues to tackle. Good luck, Mama!

[Norasmomma]

He does sound immature about finances, but being deceitful is gonna make things worse.

[avendesora]

In regards to the 'wait it out' phrase... You can't use "possible future income budget" to decide what your spending budget this month should be. This months' spending needs to fit with this months' earnings. If he gets that raise or promotion, then you can add the cable and alcohol back in. But for the time being, cutting back is necessary.

I agree that he sounds like he's being immature about it, but I have to say, going behind his back also sounds like an immature idea to me. Sorry.

Is he buying alcohol out? Or is he having it at home? Can you take over the alcohol budget, so you can shop sales and he can enjoy it at home? A beer at home while watching a baseball game is WAY cheaper than a beer at the game. And then he could have a greatly reduced amount of pocket money (he still needs to have SOMETHING in his pocket though.)

Aven

[cappuccinosmom]

Sounds like a marriage issue more than a financial one.

Deciet is a no, IMO.

But there are times when change coming is a fact of life. It's wrong to try to sneak the change in under the radar.

I wonder about going to see a financial counselor together. Sometimes it takes a third party for a spouse to see clearly that they're wrong about something.

[MacroMama]

Not to mention that he can just call the cable company and change it back to the way things were.

Sorry you're in such a tough situation!

[the_lissa]

Originally Posted by Carolinamidwife

I agree with beans.

It sounds like your dh is a little childish when it comes to money. Also, it sounds like you have given up way more than he has... it might be time for him to wake up and face the financial reality. Or get another job.

I probably wouldn't do it behind is back but I would tell him it's either his alcohol budget or his precious cable.

And, FWIW, I really bristle when I read these threads and I see woman after woman advising other women that they are the ones who need to sacrifice for the budget. It seems like you're doing all you can do.

ITA. I see it so much, and it is really infuriating.

ETA: I would give him the choice between alcohol and cable too or whatever other luxuries he has, and if he refuses to make a choice, I would make it for him, but tell him before or as I was doing it.

[madsommer]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

Sounds like a marriage issue more than a financial one.

Deciet is a no, IMO.

But there are times when change coming is a fact of life. It's wrong to try to sneak the change in under the radar.

I wonder about going to see a financial counselor together. Sometimes it takes a third party for a spouse to see clearly that they're wrong about something.

Originally Posted by the_lissa

ITA. I see it so much, and it is really infuriating.

ETA: I would give him the choice between alcohol and cable too or whatever other luxuries he has, and if he refuses to make a choice, I would make it for him, but tell him before or as I was doing it.

Thanks for the help ladies. Tried the financial advisor route multiple times and he won't see one with me (though I have gone a couple times on my own). I don't want to be decietful...I guess I just wanted to avoid having the same conversation/confrontation that I've had about 20 times before. But I think I'll try what yo usaid Lissa and ask him to make a choice as to what's more important. I guess I'm also the kind of person who sucks it up and doesn't complain...but he has a tendency to whine and pout about things which makes it even more annoying.

I have multiple people (not just on this forum) tell me that it's really a marriage issue, but I can't really figureout what it is. If anyone could enlighten me, I'd apprciate it We've only been married for 2 years so I don't know if it's just something that a lot of people go through in the beginning when combining finances and then going down to one income or what?

[Smithie]

I make all of these kinds of decisions, while dh is the expert on the bigger decisions (is this car/house the right price? How much should go in the 410k?). So I think it's OK to go ahead and modify the cable package, because in my mind that it The Wifely Role. But obviously it differs from family to family.

It sounds like it would be great for you to talk to a neutral third party (pastor?) who can help you establish some mutually agreed-up rules.

[Delicateflower]

I was going to reply with a resounding no, until you clarified what he's doing.

If he's acting like a child, endangering your basic needs like shelter and food because he wants a hot dog he deserves to be treated like one. But I would tell him, anyway, because even a naughty child deserves a warning. I would sit down, show him the budget spreadsheet, show him where the cuts can come from, tell him you will make this this and this change. Show him your budget for your fun money. Maybe offer him some limited choices (I take the ATM and credit cards, give you cash for your extras or I cut the cable).

I guess I'm also the kind of person who sucks it up and doesn't complain...but he has a tendency to whine and pout about things which makes it even more annoying.

That is unfair of you. Is he supposed to read your mind and know that you're going without while he isn't?

In our family, no, I wouldn't, because we are both adults and sensible.

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by madsommer

I think what I'll do is still tell him what my plans are, and still follow through even if he is resistant. He did put me in charge of the finances...

I think this is probably what you will need to do.

I think you guys probably need to work on communication as well. I SAH and DP works really hard but there are still things we want. DP more than I though. I think it might be good for your DH to hear that you are also doing without and that you *want* him to have these things, it's just not possible right now. On our budget overview sheet I have an area for "future costs" which are things that people would *like* to have room for in the budget but don't right now (Cable is on that list, btw). It makes it very clear that there is not room in the budget now (since we try to run a zero line or whatever it's called budget) but that w/ $x more dollars it can be (if that is what we decide). Instead of asking DH to cut the cable or alcohol, perhaps it would be easier to start the other way--- start with how much money you have to spend per month and then start subtracting things you need.

So like:
Income
- rent
LEFT
- power
LEFT
- garbage
LEFT
- phone
LEFT
- food

If you are running out of money and have like "diapers" and "alcohol" and "cable" left, hopefully he will see pretty clearly which one needs to go in first. Once you hit zero you can continue down the list. With the next $- we get "___" back. With the next $- we get "____" back. Additionally, if there is anything he is wanting, perhaps you could set up a savings account (like if he cut $100 of spending and the family needed $50 of that for necessities the extra $50 would go towards something that would be for enjoyment).

Good luck!