Friend's Girlfriend is Jealous - Update/Clarification in #34, #38, & #44

[Cherry Alive]

There's a guy I've known and been friends with for 16 years. He started out as my boss, and when I had to leave an abusive live-in relationship he let me room with him (I paid rent). Since then, our friendship has waxed and waned over the years (like many old friendships do), but we've always been loyal to one another. Now, I'm married (he was an usher at our wedding). While that change made some of my friendships with single friends fade away, he stayed in the picture. He and DH really like one another, and DH knows our friendship always was and will be platonic.

Last year, my friend found himself a gf. Out of all the women he's ever been with, she appeared to be very nice and wonderfully compatible with him, and he is terribly in love with her. He talked about getting married to her, and I was very excited and supportive.

Well, he started telling me about how she didn't care for some of his other friends (including a mutual friend). They are heavily liberal pagans. She is a moderate (but easy-going) Christian. My friend told me his other friends made off-color remarks about Christianity in front of his gf.

He asked me my advice. I told him that dh and I have friends that are very different and who one of us generally don't care for. DH has lots of yuppy friends. I hang out with a more rowdy crowd. While we may not like all of each others' friends we don't forbid each other from seeing them. It's nice to have separate social lives.

Well, about three months, I had lunch w/ my friend (we used to eat lunch about every other week). His gf kept calling his cell every 10 minutes. He sheepishly admitted that she had been jealous of me.. I asked if he'd like me to talk w/ her. He said "no." Supposedly her jealousy eased off when we went on a double date together, and she saw me w/ dh.

Since then, it seems like he's been avoiding me like the plague. He is cold on the phone. He even cut the phone conversation short when I called to tell him my daughter had been born (I spoke maybe 30 seconds...he said he had to leave bc he had a game of scrabble). This is very unlike him.

I think our friendship is at risk of ending. What should I do? Should I confront him or should I let it go?

Part of me is sad and angry to think I could lose him. Part of me worries he may be losing all his friends. Part of me thinks it's none of my business, and should leave him be (he is 45 and has always wanted to be married and have kids). I love the guy like a brother, and wonder what would be best for him and me.

[Think of Winter]

Out of all the women he's ever been with, she appeared to be very nice and wonderfully compatible with him, and he is terribly in love with her. He talked about getting married to her, and I was very excited and supportive...

Part of me thinks it's none of my business, and should leave him be (he is 45 and has always wanted to be married and have kids). I love the guy like a brother, and wonder what would be best for him and me.

What would you confront him about?

His gf doesn't seem like a bad person, she just isn't comfortable with you. I think your best bet is to respect that. She may come around. I definitely wouldn't confront her. Not a good way to make someone like you. Give her space.

[Mamafreya]

Would it be weird to write him an email? Or maybe have him and his girlfriend over for dinner with your family? I would maybe try to include your dh and his girlfriend in your get togethers, that could make his gf feel less threatened. Are he and your dh close enough that it wouldn't be weird for your dh to call him up sometime? Maybe if his gf sees that your dh is fine with the relationship she'll relax and feel more secure with your friendship. I would try things like that to include her into your friendship so that she wasn't feeling left out or weird about things.

I have a girlfriend who is pretty jealous of her boyfriend's friends and it can cause problems sometimes. She has been really working on trusting him more and trying to feel better about herself too. I think it may be something like that. He might not be handling it too well either. My friend's bf reaction to her jealously didn't calm her at all. It just made her way more controlling and they almost broke up a couple of times over it. I think that it helped her a lot to be more involved with his friends and their lives. Plus he started to really listen to her fears instead of getting defensive which has made all the difference. She started to feel like she was a part of all aspects of his life and they are doing really well now.

I hope it works out I would probably try to save the friendship before I just let it go. Especially since you guys have been friends for so many years.

[hotmamacita]

Do not blame her for his distance. He is a grown man.

What does your dh think you should do?

[purplemoon]

If there is an issue of jealousy, than inviting them both out when you want to see your friend is your best bet. I would even tell him that so that he stops being cold (being between a rock and a hard place). Just say you respect his relationship and would love to go to lunch with both of them, family BBQ's etc.

[Whistler]

I agree with purplemoon. It sounds like you seeing your friend alone makes his gf nervous. I'd try to double date as much as possibe. Assure your friend that you will be his friend even if you don't see as much of each other as before.

I have this problem a little bit. My BFF got married to a guy she is crazy about but who doesn't care for me nor I him. We see a lot less of each other now but we are still friends, just not as close as before. Sad but life changes and moves on.

[cristeen]

Honestly, I'd send him an email or a letter and just tell him that you will always be his friend, and that you're sorry if he feels that he can't keep up his end of the relationship, but that if he ever needs anything, he knows he can call you.

Then leave it be.

My DH's BFF ended all contact with him because of me. He put my (then BF) in the bad position of an ultimatum - either he give up his BFF of almost 20 years or he give up me (we'd been living together about 3 months by then). My DH made his choice, and while he regrets having been put in the situation, he thinks I was worth giving up that relationship and all the relationships that went with it (he had been asked to be their daughter's god father, and was really close with his parents).

Obviously your situation is a little different, but ultimately you'll need to accept that he made his choice. If you want to keep the lines of communication open, then do. Keep him on the Christmas card list, send him birth announcements, and other things of the kind that are not overly personal. If he ever wants to renew your friendship, he'll know he can.

[A&A]

confront him? about what? that he makes his own choices in life?

[claddaghmom]

It might not be the GF's fault entirely. Getting into a relationship takes a lot of time and effort, and if she is good for him, then he is probably enjoying it.

Everyone has different ideas of how friendships should work in a relationship and of how much priority they should have. If he chooses to accommodate her idea, then I don't see how that's wrong. Unless you think she is abusing him?

Although I wouldn't mind being at a point in my life where I could eat lunch weekly w/ my highschool friends, I'm not there. DH and I both agree the free time we have is spent w/ each other or w/ family. We are too busy in our lives, and time is too precious, to spend consistent time w/ friends. JMO

[transylvania_mom]

Originally Posted by claddaghmom

It might not be the GF's fault entirely. Getting into a relationship takes a lot of time and effort, and if she is good for him, then he is probably enjoying it.

Everyone has different ideas of how friendships should work in a relationship and of how much priority they should have. If he chooses to accommodate her idea, then I don't see how that's wrong. Unless you think she is abusing him?

Although I wouldn't mind being at a point in my life where I could eat lunch weekly w/ my highschool friends, I'm not there. DH and I both agree the free time we have is spent w/ each other or w/ family. We are too busy in our lives, and time is too precious, to spend consistent time w/ friends. JMO

Agree. His priorities lie with his partner, where they should be. I would totally stay out of it.

[Mamafreya]

I don't think that it's wrong to not have as much time for his friendships as he did before he got into this relationship but it is pretty weird to just stop talking to your friends without an explanation. At this point the OP is having to guess that the reason is because his gf is jealous. It might not be that at all but without him communicating some reason, it's all she has to go on.

I would be hurt if my friend just stopped talking to me or returning my calls. Especially after the birth of my first baby. That would really make me feel bad, honestly. I think it's totally normal and understandable to drop off the map in the beginning of a relationship but usually there's some sort of explanation. Like an I'm sorry I've been so distant lately but we've just been spending all our waking moments with each other. Something like that. I did it with my dh and I think most couples do that in the early stages of a relationship. I was never distant to my friends though. I still returned their calls and I wouldn't just say I have to go because I'm in the middle of scrabble game if my friend called me to tell me she just had a baby. That's weird to me and kind of hurtful.

If my dh really hated one of my friends but I had a good relationship with them, I wouldn't cut them out just because he didn't like them. If that's the reason then I don't think that's too healthy.

I think the OP means confronting him about his distance and his weirdness. Not about his relationship.

[zebrachick83]

great advice from pps.....definitely keep things strictly couple-y and your friend and his gf will probably be more comfortable. it will also be a nice way to ease into a different way of relating to your friend.

[Faerieshadow]

Hmm.. it sounds to me like one of those situations where the gf told him she's not comfortable with your friendship, could he please end it, but he was too embarrassed to come right out and tell you. So, if she's sitting with him and you call for whatever reason, he has to act odd because he supposedly told you he "couldn't be friends" already.

I can see shooting an email his way and mentioning that you and your DH would be happy to do group dates with them so the gf could start feeling included in the friendship.

I totally get the gf's jealousy though. You and your friend may know it's strictly platonic, but she has no way of knowing that since she is relatively new to the picture and has no idea what "really could have happened that you guys aren't telling her" before she came around. One on one lunch would have bugged me too in her shoes, although I wouldn't have done the constant calling thing.

[HisBeautifulWife]

Originally Posted by A&A

confront him? about what? that he makes his own choices in life?

Originally Posted by claddaghmom

Everyone has different ideas of how friendships should work in a relationship and of how much priority they should have. If he chooses to accommodate her idea, then I don't see how that's wrong. Unless you think she is abusing him?

*snip*. DH and I both agree the free time we have is spent w/ each other or w/ family. We are too busy in our lives, and time is too precious, to spend consistent time w/ friends. JMO

:

I don't like alone time with opposite sex friends when you are married. True, he's not married, but those views are probably why I see the situation as I do. I also think that with people only having so much free time; most of it should be focused on enriching their family life, not hanging out like college kids.

Group activities- fine. Occassional how are you doing email- great. Happy birthday phone call- wonderful. Occassional check in phone call- sure.

Anything else I think people should spend time with their spouses and family.

[Storm Bride]

I'd probably just email him and ask the score, and leave it with him to decide whether he's going to respond or not. If he's been given an ultimatum or similar, then he's made his choice...and it's not you. Personally, I'd never go the route he seems to be going, but to each their own.

I'm sorry. This would be really hard.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by HisBeautifulWife

I don't like alone time with same sex friends when you are married. True, he's not married, but those views are probably why I see the situation as I do. I also think that with people only having so much free time; most of it should be focused on enriching their family life, not hanging out like college kids.

This confused me. Do you mean that a married person shouldn't hang out with any friends one on one? I'm only asking because you said "same sex" friends in your first post...

[Oriole]

I've always believed that everyone should be able to have friends and go out with their friends, male or female, relationship or not... that is until DP and I started going out.

It's been almost 10 years since we've known each other, and I have to tell ya, I can't imagine either one of us going out to lunch with opposite sex friend one-on-one on a regular basis.

It's not just about jealousy, although, I would have to admit, i'd probably feel the sting. It's about investing time into each other... If I have a lunch break, I want to call HIM first. Always. I want to see how his day's been, and tell him about mine, that's what develops our closeness, that's what keeps our intimacy going strong. I can't imaging investing comparable time into another guy. I just can't.

I think it's important to have own friends and hobbies, but while I can't explain it very well, I really think we couldn't boast the strength of our relationship if we kept close relationships with opposite sex friends all these years.

Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear!
I can imagine how sad it is to lose a friend, but I do think that he owes his time and attention elsewhere at the moment. Double-dates sounds like a great compromise for all involved.

[angelamariebee]

Don't think of it as losing a friend, but things probably won't continue to be like they were. I have a male best friend and now that I am married and he is seeing someone, I can't imagine calling him up to hang out, just the two of us- at least not if our SO's were available to hang out as well. I think when you get married, your priorities change and that's not necessarily a bad thing in this case. It may be time to just move on to the next stage in your relationship with him, meaning the double dates. I don't have any male friends, but I do have couple-friends, some of which I get along better with the husband than I do with the wife.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by angelamariebee

Don't think of it as losing a friend, but things probably won't continue to be like they were.

Honestly, if I called an old friend to tell him/her that I'd just had a baby, and got blown off because he/she was playing Scrabble, I think I'd feel that I'd lost a friend. I know there's that major involvement in a new relationship and everything, but the OP couldn't even share that she had a new baby without getting blown off. I'd be hurt if any of my friends, of either gender, treated me like that.

I'd find this situation pretty hard to deal with, honestly, but I seem to be on a different page than most people in this thread. If I were the male friend, and my gf was complaining about my friends, and phoning me every 10 minutes while I was out, I'd be out of that relationship at light speed. I couldn't begin to handle that level of insecurity at all.

As for this from Faerieshadow:

I totally get the gf's jealousy though. You and your friend may know it's strictly platonic, but she has no way of knowing that since she is relatively new to the picture and has no idea what "really could have happened that you guys aren't telling her" before she came around.

If I'm with someone who has basically decided I'm lying to them, and won't believe what I say, then I see no reason to take it any further. If I felt that a guy was hiding "what really could happened" from me, I can't imagine wanting to be in a relationship with him in the first place.

[shelbean91]

I have many male friends, most of whom I've known since grade school. One of these friends-we lived in dorms next to each other in college, then had an apartment together with 2 others (my eventual dh and his girlfriend at the time). At one point, he was dating a girl who was very jealous of me. they dated for about a year and the fact that she gave him such a hard time about me was something that showed him they weren't compatable. I mean, we had been friends for years- I guess he had to choose a long time friend or a girlfriend he had known for a relatively short amount of time. I would have been very hurt if he had chosen her instead of me, but to me, it wasn't a contest. We could have been friends, they could have dated. If dh had *ever* tried to make me choose between him and these friendships, I would have ended it pretty quickly and he knows that. I would never end a friendship (a long time one, at least) for a relationship and if anyone asked me to, thats a dealbreaker. I don't choose my friends based on their gender, but on how we get along, what we have in common, etc.

We live on opposite sides of the country, but to this day, I could call any of my old friends, male or female, and know they'd be there for me. To say dump a friend b/c they are the opposite gender is ridiculous, imo. Of course, once people start having families- priorities change and there is less time for outside friends overall. But, I wouldn't hesitate to call one of my friends to hang out, have dinner or drinks. If spouses can make it, they're more than welcome, of course. But, I wouldn't ever say, 'oh sorry, DH can't make it, so we'll have to cancel'.

But, that's just me. Any my old friendships. Sometimes, newer formed friendships have different issues, but if you trust your partner, who he/she has a meal with isn't (shouldn't be) cause for alarm.