Friend's Girlfriend is Jealous - Update/Clarification in #34, #38, & #44 - Page 3

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Quindin

And as I said in my post, many relationship experts do agree that it is usually not in the best interest of the relationship for a partner to keep close intimate friendships with people of the opposite sex, in which interactions tend to revolve around the two alone. I am sorry, but it is just not the same as hanging out with a girlfriend, though I agree that some girl friendships can get excessive which is not good either.

It's not the same? Who says? This is one of those things that is very subjective. IMO, a friend is a friend is a friend - gender is irrelevant.

Most of my closest friends throughout my life have been male (in some ways, I seem to have a lot of masculine energy or something). It's been like that since I was a kid. (I didn't have a close female friend until 6th grade...bff...and have only had a few since then.) If I'm hanging out having lunch with my buddy James, it's no different than if I hang out with my female bff...except that bff and I have been friends for almost 30 years, and James and I have only been friends for 8, and aren't quite as close.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by claddaghmom

I missed the part where he is going into an abusive relationship?

I wondered about that right from her initial post. The dynamic there seems really controlling. It's one I've seen several times, and it's never turned out well. This could be the exception, of course.

I guess I'm confused how you can have a close relationship w/ this guy but then say it's a once a month thing. How would you even notice his distance if it was a once a month thing?

Sorry? My bff lives in Colorado - I'm in Vancouver. We see each other about once/twice a year (if she visits Vancouver, it's usually a week, and we see each other a couple times, but she doesn't always make it). We talk on the phone maybe once a month or so...if that. She's still the closest friend I've ever had, except dh. I can talk to her about anything and I've always been able to do so. I'd certainly notice if she started to distance herself, or cut me off. And, it would be a major red flag if I called her to announce this baby's arrival and she blew me off to get back to a Scrabble game.

And I am not attacking you at all...I am just over how you are going to control him from entering an abusive relationship.

I don't think the OP is trying to control him. She's concerned about him. That's not the same thing at all.

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I wondered about that right from her initial post. The dynamic there seems really controlling. It's one I've seen several times, and it's never turned out well. This could be the exception, of course.


Sorry? My bff lives in Colorado - I'm in Vancouver. We see each other about once/twice a year (if she visits Vancouver, it's usually a week, and we see each other a couple times, but she doesn't always make it). We talk on the phone maybe once a month or so...if that. She's still the closest friend I've ever had, except dh. I can talk to her about anything and I've always been able to do so. I'd certainly notice if she started to distance herself, or cut me off. And, it would be a major red flag if I called her to announce this baby's arrival and she blew me off to get back to a Scrabble game.


I don't think the OP is trying to control him. She's concerned about him. That's not the same thing at all.

That makes more sense to me. I kept reading about lunching together and that part slipped past me.

Altogether the dynamics and boundaries sound as if it will only be an unhappy ending.

I try not to get into these threads b/c everyone has different expectations and needs. I could definitely see, once we're done working and schooling and basically tossing the rope in the fire (forget burning both ends haha) that we could be more social and have friends. DH has even added "entertaining" to the quality of the house we want to buy. But now? Eek. lol it's bad enough that I waste time on here.

[Cherry Alive]

Originally Posted by claddaghmom

I missed the part where he is going into an abusive relationship?

I guess I'm confused how you can have a close relationship w/ this guy but then say it's a once a month thing. How would you even notice his distance if it was a once a month thing?

And I am not attacking you at all...I am just over how you are going to control him from entering an abusive relationship.

We talk about once or twice a week—though sometimes we don't talk for a little while. We used to correspond much more, but things changed since I got married and ended up freelancing. I also don't see my other friends as often, either...but the wonderful thing about having good friends is you don't have to see each other every day for those friendships to sustain. My husband has a wonderful friend he lunches with once a week, but sometimes they don't get to see each other for a couple months as the friend lives in another state...but they can pick the friendship back up again when they see each other.

That's how it is with most of my friends, and I believe that is what other folks here mean about friendships changing when you get married. You can end up with that distance. Friends who are already in your position understand and stick around, but sometimes you lose single friends bc of it, because they don't understand or their lives go in such different directions. However, the ones who are close will stick around and accept seeing you less frequently (or with your SO—not so much bc the SO is jealous but the SO wants to be with you). My guy friend in this topic is...or was...very much like this. We've been loyal to each other through a hell of a lot of life changes—including times we lost other friends.

I don't know 100% for sure whether or not his relationship is abusive, but when someone has a partner who drives away friends—that is a flag for abuse. I've seen this happen a lot to women, but also a couple times to men (ex- my husband's ex-friend mentioned earlier). If my friend's gf just wanted me out of the picture I could accept it (though I still will be dealing with hurt and anger—after all, it's a 16 year friendship). I want him to be happy as I know how much he's desparately wanted to get married and have kids (I've heard him go on about it for the past 5 years).

However, it really concerns me that he's losing other friends, and his initial reaction about the gf having issues with our own friendship seemed really conflicted (and unhappy).

I certainly can't and don't wish to control him. It's his own life, and I'd never dare tell him what to do with it. But I just don't have the heart to stand by and do nothing...that doesn't seem right for a friend to do when he/she suspects one he/she cares about is in trouble.

The last time he and I went out was in January. It was impossible to get together after due to my increasing prenatals and prepping to leave work—he knew and was okay with this (his other two close friends have children and he not only stuck around, but babysat for them! ).

I was really happy to see him, bc the last time I did he was in the hospital. DH and I stopped by to visit him afterward and give him "Get Well" and Xmas gifts right before we made the 5 hour trip for DH's parent's house for Xmas. At the lunch in January, my friend was really upset about his gf's issue with me, and it was the first time he even told me about it. Supposedly she had been feeling that way about me for a few months (he'd been seeing her for a year). When the convo came up, I tried to be very nonjudgmental, bc I know how much he loves his gf and I understand how some women are uncomfortable with platonic friendships.

I had offered to talk to her (not confront her...just reassure her and let her ask me any questions she'd like). When he said no to that (he seemed scared), I said "Hey that's cool. We could just do couple things. DH loves to hang out with you." He told me not to worry about it. That her feelings of jealousy were resolved the last time she saw me with DH (the fall festival)...but right afterward she called him again and kept calling every 5-10 minutes for the rest of our lunch. I thought it was a very immature and rude thing for her to do, but never said that to him as he was already very embarrassed and apologetic. I mean—hello—I was 7 months pregnant, what was I going to do with him (LOL)?

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by claddaghmom

That makes more sense to me. I kept reading about lunching together and that part slipped past me.

Altogether the dynamics and boundaries sound as if it will only be an unhappy ending.

I try not to get into these threads b/c everyone has different expectations and needs. I could definitely see, once we're done working and schooling and basically tossing the rope in the fire (forget burning both ends haha) that we could be more social and have friends. DH has even added "entertaining" to the quality of the house we want to buy. But now? Eek. lol it's bad enough that I waste time on here.

DH and I have lived here for four years in August. Except for family a few times (my dad on Christmas Eves, and my mom & stepdad for dinner, usually when I make salmon), I can't remember when we've entertained, if we have. Oh - when bff is in town, she comes by to visit, and they were here at Christmas once, so I invited her and her dh over for a mid-day munchie on Boxing Day. My other social time is all either visiting my mom or sister, or playdates/homelearning meetups for dd and ds2. DH and I don't really spend much time with friends, and we're not terribly social. But, keeping in touch with close friends is really important to me.

I think the OP's situation isn't going to end well, and I suspect the friendship is at an end. Honestly, the gf would concern me, too. When one partner doesn't like any of the other person's friends, it's not a great sign, ime.

[jess_paez]

i haven't read the other posts yet, but from your op i have to say that i bet he has said something about you to her. you may never know what that is or was if he did in fact say something. maybe he mentioned you and said that he had a crush on you at one point? really, you just never know. i would keep my distance, let it pan out naturally. i wouldn't have a serious conversation to him or her about it. maybe a casual email saying we'd like to have you two over so you know you did everything you could would be fine. but he is a grown man and even though i am sure you're sad about the possibility of your friendship ending...just keep in mind that you did everything you could to remain good friends.

[TO Doula]

I'm jumping in here without reading to the end of the thread first - hope I'm not repeating too much.

Originally Posted by Cherry Alive

Right now, our friendship is not just changing. It is disappearing. He does not answer email or phone calls. When he did answer them, he was cold. This is not like him at all. At one point, he dropped off the face of the Earth for a month. He was going through some health problems at the time so I was worried something bad had happened to him. I ended up contacting his gf and one of our mutual friends to make sure he was okay. It's not totally not just happening to me either, but also his other friends, too.

This actually sounds a lot like depression, which may or may not have anything to do with the girlfriend and the dynamics of their relationship. Do you think this could be a possibility?

I'm bisexual so maybe I should end ALL my friendships. After all, since I find women attractive, too, they must also be a threat to my marriage, right? Or is it just MEN who we can't trust to keep their pants on?

Ha! Same here, which I'm sure has an influence on my inability to see why people treat male and female friendships so differently. Just because someone possesses the sort of plumbing you might find interesting doesn't mean you're going to be sexually attracted to them. And, honestly, a small thread of sexual tension can make a friendship fun without it being any threat at all to your primary relationship. It's just a part of the connection you feel to some people that makes you interested in them and want to know more about their life.

I'm sorry that you're hurting. It sounds to me like it would really be worth trying to find out more about what's going on rather than just fading into the background of your friend's life.

[TO Doula]

Originally Posted by Oriole

Developing a closeness with another male feels wrong to me. It just does. This might not be "a good reason", but it's good enough for me. I'm not sure how to explain it. It's kind of like walking into a house you are considering to buy, and it feels wrong for no apparent reason, this is how it is with the concept of spending one-on-one time with another man to me.

(Just to clarify that I'm not singling out any one poster, but you've replied so I'm responding using your words, if that's okay. I'm trying to work out my response to the "no opposite sex friends" position that is shared by a number of people in this thread.)

I think it's absolutely a good enough reason for you. It might be a good enough reason for your partner to decide to refrain from friendships with women if it makes you uncomfortable. It's good enough as a "here's how we live our life, and it works for us" comment. I don't think it's good enough as advice to someone else on how they should live. I don't think you're doing that, but I've picked up that tone in other responses. If someone is going to offer advice I think it's reasonable to ask them to back up their opinion with more than "that's just how I feel".

I'm new to these forums and still learning the culture. If this kind of comment feels too argumentative please let me know.

[Carlyle]

Originally Posted by Cherry Alive

1) I'm hurt/angry that a 16 YO friendship appears to be ending (not changing—ENDING). He's not taking phone calls or emails. Being blown off on the phone when you call to announce your first child's birth is really crummy...especially by a friend who has previously been very kind and supportive to you through two miscarriages. I want to find a proactive way to deal with it. Just letting things go has never been a good way for me to deal with anger/sadness. It just brews inside and finds other ways to come out...ways that are way less pleasant than dealing with the issue up front.

2) I'm concerned my friend is in or is heading into a potentially abusive relationship. If it was just our friendship ending, that's life....but he appears to be losing a lot of other friends too (even before this all came up). When he's talked about it he sounded very unhappy and trapped. It reminded me women started into abusive relationships. While it's all his choice and business, I care about him very much and can't help but worry about him. It saddens me to see him unhappy.

I would be really concerned/upset about both of these things too. It does sound really worrisome that he's cutting ties with so many of his friends with no explanation. And the calling every 5-10 min throughout your lunch doesn't sound quite sane to me, frankly. If you do send him a heartfelt email (which will be so hard, because tone is SO hard to convey over email!), you should probably also let him know in person/on the phone that you sent it...in case she screens his email account or something else weird. Better yet, I'd write him a letter and give it to him in person if you can at all.

But yeah, I would focus on how hurt you were about him blowing your birth off for scrabble (because that, to me, is just so obviously wrong), and say that if he's really cutting ties with you to please let you know so that you know what's up. And I'd also let him know that if he does need help in the future (even if he cuts ties now) that your door is open and you'd be happy to help him. If she really is cutting out his social network and he eventually wakes up and realizes it, he will know that he can come to you for help. Good luck and keep us updated!

For what it's worth, I do think it's worthwhile to turn the genders around in your mind...if I saw a woman being treated by her fiancee as the OP described, I would be screaming to run the other direction. I feel the same way about this...there are woman abusers out there too.

[mystic~mama]

this has been a very interesting thread for me to read. I've had issues myself with insecurities about DP's friendships and those came from within me, still working on that and this thread is helpful...


For the OP, I can see your dilemma and I could understand how this would be upsetting....I would say something, you have no control over how your friend reacts but I can understand not wanting to let it fester inside of you...if this were me, I would first say some prayers, put it out there to the universe your intentions and hopes....journal about it, reflect on it and when you are in a place where you feel grounded and have the words for your friend I would share them, share your feelings on what you are experiencing, letting him know you are his friend and then let it be.

I really appreciate reading the posters who sound very secure as I am working on that in myself....I also really like reading about different relationships and how you handle these types of things. blessings all.

[The Harpy]

I have to say that my BFF is a man, and we have been best friends for 16 yrs, since we were both 16 yrs old. He is the godfather to my children, was my bridesman in our wedding (in a tux on my side) and I consider him like a brother.

If at any point in time my significant other had a problem w/ Nick they would be out the door w/ my footprint on their derrier. Goodbye, don't let the door hit you on the arse!!

When I got married my husband was fully aware of Nick and I's friendship, of our bi-monthly get togethers for a beer and a movie and a talk and Nick coming to take the kids out for playtime, etc. It was part of life, and that is how it is. I am not going to give up a friend because my spouse tells me to. *nope* I am a strong loving woman and I am not going to let that go!

[Cherry Alive]

Okay, I finally got ahold of him. Last weekend, I called him. His GF answered his phone and drilled me with a million and one questions about our baby. It was a little weird.. I would have been flattered and love talking about DD, but I kind of felt like she was interrogating me (question after question...rather nosy ones too).

Afterwards, my friend talked with me very briefly. He awkwardly exclaimed he was really, really glad I could talk with his gf—especially about our baby (I guess this diffuses her ?). It was a rather strange and uncomfortable conversation. I'm thinking either she was being territorial, or maybe he told her to pick up the phone and talk to me—perhaps in hopes she'd get to know me better and chill.

Well, yesterday I left him a happy voicemail (and I made sure to talk plenty about our dd). I asked if he and his gf would like to join me and DH for an outing. Got a voicemail back from him exclaiming how happy he was to hear from me (after he didn't return my emails or voicemails for months) and—yes—they'd love to go out.

I figure it could go two ways. Either she keeps blowing us off and pressuring my friend to blow us off with her (like she has a couple times before), or maybe she'll come around. I'm not 100% sure it's an abusive relationship as I've never directly witnessed her be really mean or bossy to him (unlike the nasty wife of my husband's ex-friend), but this whole thing with him blowing off his friends has been odd (especially when he does it after complaining how she has issues with some of us).

I'm going to go against my nature and be patient (yeah, patience is not one of my best virtues...so this is a bit of a test for me ). I'll give things one more shot. If it continues to be weird, I will find a way to privately talk with/email him to find out what gives. But hopefully, I can make friends with his gf (we do have a few things in common), and things will be closer back to normal.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by jess_paez

i haven't read the other posts yet, but from your op i have to say that i bet he has said something about you to her.

I honestly didn't get that impression at all. It sounds as though the gf has issue with all the guy's friends, not just the OP. I honestly don't think this is even a gender thing, let alone a potential thing where he let slip a former crush or that the OP has always been the most important girl in his life or something like that.

[Carlyle]

I'm glad that you've managed to connect and that you have a "game plan." I hope that it does blow over, she can connect with you, and eventually that she can relax about things and let this guy have his friends. Good luck with the patience bit...it sounds hard and frustrating, but I hope it works out.

[Cherry Alive]

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