I totally know what you mean about wishing for a secret handshake, Ceinwen. I don't need one for prospective romantic interests, as I'm pretty awesome at flirting with men OR women, if I do say so myself. However, I have particular interest in slightly-kinkier-than-your-average-vanilla type guys or gals, and, to put it mildly, they are terribly hard to locate. I wish there was a secret hand gesture or a bracelet or something that people who are into D/s-style romance ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/D/s
), even just slightly curious to explore.... But I don't find interesting, wonderful men (or women) who happen to have complementary interests in pursuing a romance of that flavor, so...
: Until then I'll just keep reading The Story of O and reading other literature which contain the themes I find so intriguing.
Hope that wasn't TMI to admit, and I was just trying to empathize with Ceinwen and her desire for a secret handshake.
That would serve kinky people as well as LGBT people, as well. Heterosexual, vanilla romance is the norm --but not for everyone, ....at least not for all of us all
of the time.
Anyway, just ask her to hang out and have a cup of coffee sometime, in a very casual way. You can spend some more one-on-one time with her before agonizing to death about sending the vibe/signals that you're interested in more-than-friends.
Smooth & Witty and I have tried to engage in a conversation over the phone or text messages since a few days ago when I sent him the "What's up with you not making contact anymore" SMS and he responded that he'd like to to be in touch and he's been super busy but let's talk soon.... but we have played phone/text tag and gotten nothing said/clarified so I invited him over to hang out. Last night he came over when the kids were in bed, and we had dinner, wine, and conversation. It was relaxed, pleasant, and nice to spend time with him again. We caught up on what has been going on with one another the last several weeks. His side is 100% work and kitchen-rennovation. Super yawn. I asked him why he had been so silent during the past weeks and *I* needed to text him to remind him of my existence (or when we ran into each other 9 days ago he remembered my existence I suppose). I told him I could try to be slick and 'play the game' or whatever but that just isn't me and I'd like to just be totally un-cool and blunt and up front and have a candid, super-honest discussion. I actually asked him if he "just wasn't that into me" or if he was but not anymore, or he didn't have time for women these days, or met someone else, or what....?! I suggested that perhaps this was a great time to transition things to being 'just friends' and absolutely no-strings-attached on frequency of communication if any of those things were the case, and I think I communicated clearly enough that any of the scenarios would be FINE with me, that I'm happily prepared to go with the flow and don't have terribly much invested in things with him on my end but just wanna be totally candid and transparent and honest, to at least keep respect going between us, for simple integrity's sake. He seemed honest when he said that he didn't like the current situation of having a romantic life so far on the back burner, but he's just been crazy busy. He agreed it would be great to be honest and treat each other with respect, but said that honestly
, he hasn't seen any other women in the 3 months he's known me, but that he can hardly even BELIEVE it's been that long because to him it's felt like the blink of an eye. I told him that I do not want to be a sporadic fuck buddy but I also don't know him well enough to know if I would want a full-blown relationship but would like to try something in the middle. You know, to date. No huge rush to make things exclusive or serious, too soon, but just get to know each other because there's enough potential between us to investigate things further, as long as we continue having a great time together, one day at a time. I explained that just forgetting the other one exists and going a month with no contact seems weird to me and I didn't want that style/pace of romantic contact. He agreed that he would enjoy making plans with me and he would want to make a conscious effort to try to change our sporadic pattern of contact and he'd be in touch with me in the next 2-3 days to schedule an actual evening together for next week (and it will be next weekend at the latest), and seemed relaxed/happy at the conculsion our conversation came to. I kept things upbeat and teased him that perhaps a 'date' was waaaaay more serious than he is ready for with a real-live-woman these days and he joked in agreement back but then seriously said that of course he didn't feel like it was too much pressure or too much to ask to have one proper 'date night' with me, to start with, and seemed genuinely excited with my suggestions for what we could do (I'm pushing going to the ballet or some sort of stage performance and he was into the idea).
Sometimes it's kind of cool to skip the whole game-playing and guesswork and just look a guy in the eye with maturity and self-respect and say, "Look, this
isn't working for me so far just going-with-the-flow, and here's what I propose would work better for me, ....please clearly communicate what you
are up for."
But I don't have all my eggs in the Smooth-and-Witty basket. There's the single dad who I'll call Flower Boy because he runs the family flower business that his granddad started in 1950 with one greenhouse. He has two kids the same ages as my kids, and a huge house in the suburbs (the family business exploded long ago into an empire and he's completely loaded, incidentally). He took me for a lunch date first, two weeks ago, and then last week he picked me up in the evening and took me to his place and showed me around and we had some wine and some innocent but yummy kissing, and then he took me home (I was being such a good-girl). He's my type: tall, nerdy, fair, non-hairy, and wears glasses. Cute. I also find his personality fun-loving and cool and totally child-centric (what a breath of fresh air these days, actually) but I need to get to know him better.
Then there's a new guy on the scene this last two weeks that I met on Facebook's Are You Interested app. He's 6 months younger than me, and I'll call him the Kinky Engineer. (Am I horrifying anyone on here by admitting to any degree of kinky inclinations at all?
It doesn't seem shocking to me, at all, but perhaps to some it seems silly or distasteful? I hope ya'll are liberal and hard-to-shock.
) Kinky Engineer and I hung out once and he is really down-to-earth, warm, sweet, and totally into the fact that I have kids already and is really into having a family of his own. He's very smart, very respectful, and ambitious/clean-cut fresh-faced boy (looks younger than 28). But....we sort of accidently found out that we have corresponding interests in D/s when he admitted that one reason things didn't work out with his last girlfriend (of 4 years) was because she was so extremely vanilla, so completely disgusted by anything even slightly kinky and in the end, she made him feel like such a monster about his preferred style of romance and flavor of sex, it poisoned the relationship. We comiserated about the fact that it's hard to find great people who want everything normal, long-term, vanilla relationships consist of, but with at least a little bit extra spice and fun sprinkled on top, via some power-exchange, a.k.a. -D/s style romance. Typical/Stereotypical 'kinky people' are such freaks, to be honest, and we made fun of 'the scene' and 'the lifestyle' and wondered why it is so hard to find regular people that we would want to spend time with and date otherwise, who would be at least kind of excited to try the type of romance we find so erotically powerful on a mental level (any props being optional). We had chatted for ten days prior to meeting up, btw. In person, we had a great time talking about all sorts of things, though, not just kink. And we kissed, and his smell..... good god that was irresistible. His smell is like some sort of catnip. There is definitely chemistry there.
Let's see, who else.....? Well no one else that I think even COULD remotely turn into anything special. And actually, the only one I could even slightly imagine turning into something serious, would be Flower Boy, because his house is full of toys and I can relate to him, our kids all being the same ages. And here I have been saying that I won't date any single parents because my life is complicated enough. Eating my words now I think...
But I'm cool with any of those things panning out or none of them panning out. I feel like everything will just somehow work out, somewhat irrationally optimistic.