not so good wording..

[KimberlyD0]

I've been going back and forth on posting this. But I think its importent.

I am a lactavist and I love to see and help people with BF. I love to encourage NIP.

Well there is a 3.5 year old in my DD's class who is still BF. Which is great. One day I went to pick up my DD and the girls mom was there and started nursing her daughter. Wonderful to see.

As I went to get my younger DD and started BFing her as well DD#2 being the wonderful curious child she is, went over and asked the mom what she was doing. I was a little suprised since she see's nursing moms all the time. Then I realised we don't see a lot of older children nursing, so she was curious.

The mom answered that she was breastfeeding. DD#1 asked why and the mom told her "because when you love your child you breastfeed them"

It wasn't untill later that I relised how much that statement hurt my Older DD. She wasn't BF because of multiple issues and so is not a full term nurser. She knows that mommy breastfeeds DD#2 though. She was crying and very sad for a while after but I didn't relise why.

That night before bed she asked me "Mommy why don't you love me" I was taken back, and asked what she ment. She said "You love Karrigan more then me" I told her that wasn't true. She said "but you nurse her and not me" (thats what we call BF at home)

Because the lasy had told her moms who love their babies breastfeed them, she took that to mean I don't love her. She thinks I love DD#2 more then her which is not true at all. It brakes my heart.

I explained to her that nursing/breastfeeding was just one way to show love.

Its been a while now, but still she asks me all the time if I love her as much as DD#2. Its just crushes me because I don't know how to make her feel better.

So as much as I love spreading the work about BF and NIP I know that I will be watching how I word things from now on. Kids seem to take things so literally and its just crushed DD#1. I'm not sure how to fix it.

Just something to think about I think. Maybe being more sensitive in how to explain things to young children. We don't want them to feel unloved because mom doesn't/can't BF. No child deserves that.


I want to make it very clear it is not the NIP or the nursing toddler or even my child seeing those that bothers me. I think ALL are great and should happen more.
I am upset that it was explained in a way that hurt my child so much.

[junipermuse]

I'm so sorry. That sounds very hurtful. I honestly thought the woman's answer was inappropriate even before I read far enough in the post to see how it hurt your dd's feelings. I know that there are plenty of women who love there children and don't or can't breastfeed them. If I was that mom I would have just said "because we both enjoy it and it's really good for her" I mean it is true that I nurse my daughter because I love her, but the way she it, it said sure made it sound that if you don't nurse your child you don't love them. If it were me I might go back and let the woman know how her words hurt your daughter and that next time a child asks she might want to choose her words more carefully. Though I would definitely throw in a couple comments about how great it is that she is nip and how wonderful it is for children to be able to see toddlers nursing and not just babies. That way she is clear that you have no problem with her extended nursing, just the words that were hurtful.

[spughy]

Oh, your poor little girl.

That was really thoughtless and insensitive of that woman. I'm sure - I hope? - she didn't think she was saying something that could be hurtful, and that she was probably a bit "on the spot" by your DD's question and wanted to come up with something understandable - but she messed up, no question.

I really think you should talk to her. Not confrontationally, but just say something like "I really think it's great that you're nursing your daughter, and I love seeing you two cuddled up after school, and I hope that when my younger DD is her age we'll still be nursing. But you might want to consider how kids feel when you tell them you're doing it because you love her *and that's what you do when you love children* - I know you probably didn't consider this scenario, but my daughter and I had a lot of medical problems and I wasn't able to nurse her to weaning age, but I am nursing my younger daughter and she knows that, and now she thinks it's because I don't love her as much. She was really hurt. It might be better to answer questions like that with something along the lines of 'Because we both still really enjoy it' or 'because it's good for her tummy'."

It'll be hard, but if she tells that to another child who wasn't nursed, it's going to hurt him/her too.

[runes]

. Totally agree that her answer was not very finessed. I am so sorry about how hurtful this has been for your DD.

That said, could it be possible that the lady had no clue of your family's nursing history, and if she had seen you nurse your younger DD, perhaps she assumed your DD1 had nursed full term? I'm not excusing her comment, but perhaps she had thought that this would be a "safe" thing to say to your DD knowing that you are a nursing mom?

[ramama]

Originally Posted by kidspiration

. Totally agree that her answer was not very finessed. I am so sorry about how hurtful this has been for your DD.

That said, could it be possible that the lady had no clue of your family's nursing history, and if she had seen you nurse your younger DD, perhaps she assumed your DD1 had nursed full term? I'm not excusing her comment, but perhaps she had thought that this would be a "safe" thing to say to your DD knowing that you are a nursing mom?

This was my first thought, and I hope it's the case!

FF mothers love their children too, BTW! Regardless of whether they consciously chose to FF, or had to for whatever reason, they still love their children. I would never say something like that to ANYONE.

My heart breaks for your DD!

[KimberlyD0]

I'm not angry with her. I also don't think she intended her comment to hurt anyone. I've been to shy to say anything too her, but I have bottled it up for the last while.

Maybe you guys are right. Maybe I should just talk to her and explain how and why it hurt DD.

DD#2 will be 1 mid may and to be honest I never expected to make it this long after what happend with DD#1, but I don't want her to feel I love her less because I don't nurse her.

[lach]

I think that her reply was totally inappropriate, not only because of how your DD construed it (which I am willing to believe the woman didn't see coming) but also because of the assertion that people who FF don't love their children. That is incredibly offensive and mean spirited.

And I say this as someone whose DD had exactly one bottle of formula, and that was because I was in the hospital for emergency surgery and didn't have quite enough BM in the freezer to last the whole time I was gone. So no, I don't take it personally.

[calpurnia]

i think that lady's comment was horrible. i hope mamas here don't think that sort of unpleasantness passes for lactivism.

[runes]

Originally Posted by calpurnia

i think that lady's comment was horrible. i hope mamas here don't think that sort of unpleasantness passes for lactivism.

Her comment is not necessarily "unpleasant". She did not compare the love of ff'ing moms and nursing moms. The child interpreted it that way, but she never mentioned ff'ing. She simply may have just been trying to convey the love and bonding that is part of her breastfeeding relationship in a way that a child would understand. Yes, not the best choice of words, especially given that this child had an emotional sensitivity around this, but she didn't know that.

[jessjgh1]

Perhaps that mother has seen you nurse and just assumed that you had bf both? I would hope I would never say anything like that, but if I knew the mother had breastfed I might say something different than if I didn't know the history.

could you tell your dd that you did nurse her or try and that was what the mother meant, that one way mothers express their love is to nurse, and then reinforce the many other ways?

I see that its a bad choice of words, but most likely wasn't intended that way... of course it still hurts.

I'd be worried my son might say something funny around the other mother if he had felt like that/went through that, so I'd probably use that as a way of mentioning it to her in a helpful way. ''I so love that you are still nursing dd, but my first daughter was very upset because since she's not still nursing she interpreted your comment to mean that I don't love her as much as my nursling. We had an interesting evening" I might even add that she was concerned about the fact that it also means that mothers don't love their babies and that was unsettling to her and you .

This isn't quite the same but when I was little I found the ...if you (the general you) don't believe in X they you'll go to hell... VERY scary. I knew people who didn't believe... I loved them and they were good people... I knew there were families / whole cultures all over the world that didnt' believe in X.... and it just was all very upsetting to me. It didn't make sense and it didn't flow with what my internal view of a higher power was.

Jessica

[G8P4]

Her comment is not necessarily "unpleasant". She did not compare the love of ff'ing moms and nursing moms. The child interpreted it that way, but she never mentioned ff'ing.

This.

I think the conversation with your daughter that followed was a great opportunity to affirm your love for her. Parents the world over have to deal with the issue of "you love her more than me because...."....and all too often it's the oldest child who bears the brunt of new parents adjusting to being new parents. We do often parent younger children differently than the older ones....and sometimes it is a case of doing better because of knowing better.

[calpurnia]

Originally Posted by kidspiration

Her comment is not necessarily "unpleasant". She did not compare the love of ff'ing moms and nursing moms. The child interpreted it that way, but she never mentioned ff'ing. She simply may have just been trying to convey the love and bonding that is part of her breastfeeding relationship in a way that a child would understand. Yes, not the best choice of words, especially given that this child had an emotional sensitivity around this, but she didn't know that.

yes, i do see what you mean, but it still really rubs me up the wrong way. i don't know why but it got under my skin! (& i breastfeed & was breastfed)

[Momily]

Originally Posted by kidspiration

Her comment is not necessarily "unpleasant". She did not compare the love of ff'ing moms and nursing moms. The child interpreted it that way, but she never mentioned ff'ing. She simply may have just been trying to convey the love and bonding that is part of her breastfeeding relationship in a way that a child would understand. Yes, not the best choice of words, especially given that this child had an emotional sensitivity around this, but she didn't know that.

As another FF mom who FF for very good reasons, I think of myself as having a pretty thick skin, but I would have been hurt to hear that comment. If she had said "I breastfeed her because I love her" it wouldn't have batted an eye, but the way she phrased it pretty much said people who love their babies nurse them. The logical next step is that people who don't nurse don't love their kids.

Having said that, I think the OP has an amazing smart intuned little one to have figured that out. I know that my DS (also amazing, but not particularly verbal) at 3.5 would never have gotten that messag from that comment, he just wasn't intuned enough to the subtleties of spoken langauge.

[runes]

Originally Posted by Momily

As another FF mom who FF for very good reasons, I think of myself as having a pretty thick skin, but I would have been hurt to hear that comment. If she had said "I breastfeed her because I love her" it wouldn't have batted an eye, but the way she phrased it pretty much said people who love their babies nurse them. The logical next step is that people who don't nurse don't love their kids.

Having said that, I think the OP has an amazing smart intuned little one to have figured that out. I know that my DS (also amazing, but not particularly verbal) at 3.5 would never have gotten that messag from that comment, he just wasn't intuned enough to the subtleties of spoken langauge.

It is a logical next step if it is taken in the formula vs. breastmilk mentality.

It is not necessary to interpret a statement that includes the words "love" and "breastfeed" as a negative remark against formula. It is us that bring our baggage to the table in turning it around by assuming that then, those who feed their children formula don't love their kids.

The following are true statements:
"I breastfeed my child because I love her."
But there is absolutely no indictment or questioning of the love that my friend, who chooses to feed her child formula, has for her child.

"I breastfeed my child because it's healthy for her".
Again, I have no question that my friend who does not nurse her child, has just as much concern and care for her child's health that I do.

Why is it always the lactivists that have to watch their language for fear of offending or alienating? Why can't we state our truths without having our statements be (mis)interpreted as disparaging those who make different choices?

If a mom who feeds her child formula said "because when you love your child you feed them formula", and that is her opinion and her truth, that is acceptable. However, it seems that if a nursing moms says "because when you love your child you breastfeed them" all of a sudden, she's a "bad" lactivist, offensive, alienating, militant, and hurtful.

[G8P4]

It is not necessary to interpret a statement that includes the words "love" and "breastfeed" as a negative remark against formula. It is us that bring our baggage to the table in turning it around by assuming that then, those who feed their children formula don't love their kids.

The following are true statements:
"I breastfeed my child because I love her."
But there is absolutely no indictment or questioning of the love that my friend, who chooses to feed her child formula, has for her child.

"I breastfeed my child because it's healthy for her".
Again, I have no question that my friend who does not nurse her child, has just as much concern and care for her child's health that I do.

Why is it always the lactivists that have to watch their language for fear of offending or alienating? Why can't we state our truths without having our statements be (mis)interpreted as disparaging those who make different choices?

If a mom who feeds her child formula said "because when you love your child you feed them formula", and that is her opinion and her truth, that is acceptable. However, it seems that if a nursing moms says "because when you love your child you breastfeed them" all of a sudden, she's a "bad" lactivist, offensive, alienating, militant, and hurtful.

:

[proudmomof4]

I agree with kidspiration and don't think this was in any way meant hurtful. To this mother, BF is simply a way of expressing love to her child, and she was probably trying to find a "child-appropriate" answer to your daughter's question - and maybe assuming she was dealing with a BF toddler.
This doesn't mean I want to downplay your or your daughter's pain about the remark. It might not have been the wisest answer she could have given - but then, I don't reckon she could take much time for an elaborate reply.

[KimberlyD0]

Originally Posted by kidspiration

It is a logical next step if it is taken in the formula vs. breastmilk mentality.

It is not necessary to interpret a statement that includes the words "love" and "breastfeed" as a negative remark against formula. It is us that bring our baggage to the table in turning it around by assuming that then, those who feed their children formula don't love their kids.

The following are true statements:
"I breastfeed my child because I love her."
But there is absolutely no indictment or questioning of the love that my friend, who chooses to feed her child formula, has for her child.

"I breastfeed my child because it's healthy for her".
Again, I have no question that my friend who does not nurse her child, has just as much concern and care for her child's health that I do.

Why is it always the lactivists that have to watch their language for fear of offending or alienating? Why can't we state our truths without having our statements be (mis)interpreted as disparaging those who make different choices?

If a mom who feeds her child formula said "because when you love your child you feed them formula", and that is her opinion and her truth, that is acceptable. However, it seems that if a nursing moms says "because when you love your child you breastfeed them" all of a sudden, she's a "bad" lactivist, offensive, alienating, militant, and hurtful.

I know what your saying. If she had said the comment to me directly no issue would have come forth. I know she didn't say it to be mean, or anything of the sort.

Baggage is sometimes a really bad thing.

However when dealing with small children, yes we should watch how we word things. My DD doesn't have extra baggage. Its not like she was offended like a FF mom would be.

She was hurt. Hurt baddly enough that she still has issues with it. Thats what I think should be avoided.

As I said in an early post I am not angry with her. Nor do I feel she intentionally set out to hurt my daughter. But thats what happend, and thats what I now have to help her through. So yes I do have an issue with how she worded what she said. I think that when it comes to children there is a better way of wording things, so you don't hurt them.

Granted I have an incredibly sensitive child, who is very intuitive and bright. She interperates things her own way.

[Carita]

I am sorry she was hurt. I don't think this mom was trying to be malicious in any way - It's hard to be PC on the fly.

I was thinking about this last night. Do you think you could offer to nurse her, now? She might not accept, or even if she does, she may not figure out how to even latch, but it might make her feel better. Like you love her too and would love to nurse her, you can explain you had problems before but now you've figured it out and she can have it. She sounds bright enough to understand.

((hugs))

[emmalizz]

.

[runes]

Originally Posted by Carita

I am sorry she was hurt. I don't think this mom was trying to be malicious in any way - It's hard to be PC on the fly.

I was thinking about this last night. Do you think you could offer to nurse her, now? She might not accept, or even if she does, she may not figure out how to even latch, but it might make her feel better. Like you love her too and would love to nurse her, you can explain you had problems before but now you've figured it out and she can have it. She sounds bright enough to understand.

((hugs))

:

Just offering might be enough to make her feel better. And if she doesn't want to try latching, you might offer to hold her like a nursing baby, or to pump a bit of milk for her to try. She might not take you up on any of these things, but just offering for her to try may help her to feel better.

It sounds like your daughter is very sweet, very smart, and very sensitive.