Article...Stop worrying about your children! - Page 3

[lil_miss_understood]

I'm another one who's honestly more afraid of the people who would see the freedom I would extend my child as "neglectful" than I am of what he might do with the freedom. I trust that my child is intelligent and resourceful and has the common sense to come to me if something "bad" should happen which he is incapable of handling on his own.
Of course, I was also left alone at home for 8-9 hours a day while my parents worked when I was 6 years old. Well, I was left "with" my older brothers (the oldest being 11 at the time), but they took off as soon as my parents left for work. : And we lived beside the Trans Canada highway. And my dad owned guns, which we knew how to use and weren't locked up. And a whole garage full of woodworking tools which we were totally allowed to use, as long as they were put away and we cleaned up properly after ourselves. I was even allowed to *gasp* cross the HIGHWAY when I was 6 all by myself! And, if I missed the bus, I had to ride my bike to school (a mile each way) when I was 7...
I just find it so crazy how much our perception of what is acceptable and "safe" for children has changed in the last 20 years. I'm not saying that children should be left alone for a week at a time when they're 12 while the parents take off to Mexico, like the incident I remember on the news several years back, but I do think that children are capable of much more responsibility than many seem to think they are and that denying them the opportunity to practice those skills is failing them as a parent in other ways.
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[bobandjess99]

Originally Posted by JacquelineR

I'm another one who's honestly more afraid of the people who would see the freedom I would extend my child as "neglectful" than I am of what he might do with the freedom. .
:

yes, this!
People are ALWAYS freaking out about how much "freedom" I give my kids. As in..no, they do not have to be surgically connected to me out in public. Yes, it erally is okay they are walking *gasp* 2, 4, 6 even 10 feet away from me!!! Yes,I am watching them and no,I really am not all that worried someone will use that 10 feet of space to run up and snatch them and flee with them.

[Dr.Worm]

Sooo..you all intrigued me enough that I started to read her blog and then I went to Borders and bought the book..it is actually very good and my mom, who also was afraid, is reading it. And as some of you said to me, you teach your kids the risks. It's not like my DD was never taught anything so then why don't I give her a chance to use her knowledge? Besides the fact that I asked her a few weeks back if she wanted to be free-range and she said no and then I asked her if she just said that because she thought I didn't want her to be..she said she DOES want to. So I am going to try to give her more freedom this summer. I feel bad though..I have been babying her I guess...

[Dr.Worm]

bump

[SandraS]

Lenore is SPOT ON with all of her insight. The world is wonderfully safe, my kids can lick the beaters, and child molesters aren't waiting on their front porches with bowls of candy for my kids.

She is now what I would consider a friend, and I've always agreed with her. It's great our kids are as safe as we are!

[PoppyMama]

I remember my neighbor calling the police when my kids were 2.5 and 4 because they were playing in the yard by themselves. By the time the cop showed up they were happily inside eating lunch and I stood my ground on the playing outside stuff. I have continued to encourage independence and my kids do run our neighborhood at 9 and 11. Sometimes I don't see them for a good chunk of the day and even when I worry a bit I'm learning to suck it up.

[WCM]

I'm torn (and really appreciating the discussion).

i'm definitly more afraid of being 'caught' parenting how I do, than of my kids being hurt. In our quiet neighbourhood, I'll let them all play around our home, out front, wherever, 'they' being an 8, 6 and 2 year old. They are homeschooled and very attached to me, so going places solo is of no interest to them right now. but I'm not checking on them often. I listen for them, i holler. it works.


but, like me, they are shy and not ones to confidently speak to 'strangers' or other adults.

as a kid I was latch-key, my single mom working her butt off all hours. I walked to after-school classes, where I was bullied in the changeroom. I helped out at her daycare business, where I was molested by a staff member. I rode the bus everywhere, and was regularly 'hit on' by the older male bus drivers.

I never spoke up, never told anyone. Like another post said, I wanted to be liked, plus was shy, had no clue what to say to the big girls who bullied me, nor the old guys on the bus . . . and so it goes.

I want them to feel safe and roam free, but I did, and got hurt at every turn. I cannot change their nature, so how can I 'change' them to be confident, to not look like the shy, easy-prey kids they are, like I was?

I talk about them practicing talking to strangers while I'm right there (asking the time for ex) and they say no way.

WCM

[mommy2two babes]

I really take issue with this and completely disagree.
We live on a quiet street and I can safely asusme that at least a few parents agree with this theory.

I am the one whos heart is in my throat when I see the 3yo from around the corner dart out in front of my van as I drive to my house. It is a miracle that this kids has not been hit as of yet. Plenty of pepole fly down our street and there are tons of parked cars so you can't see them until they run out.:

I don't believe that things are more dangerous now then the were then.

When I was younger there were 2 brothers who were allowed to wander town by them selves from a young age.
They went to the store and were very self sufficent the 7 yo looked after his 5 yo brother and thier parents owned a store in town.
As responsible as they were at 5 & 7 it didn't stop the younger brother from slipping and drowning in our local creek. I am sure that thier parents told them to stay away from it.

The older brother blamed himself ( he was only 7 YO!) and never was the same after that. I don't think a child should have that responsibility.
Even as adults we make mistakes/ stupid decisions and don't know what to do at the time.

Finally I know my own children. My DD 4.5 still does not want to go to the bathroom by herself and gets upset when she wakes up alone in bed.
She knows the rules and is good most of the time outside but I have seen her run accross the road without looking when there is someone or something interesting on the other side. DS 2.5 just goes sometimes and I have a hardtime catching up to him. I certainly can't imagine making DD responsible to keep him safe.

[SleeplessMommy]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

On the other hand, I think her nostalgia for the 70s is a bit – odd.

In the 70's, I was in KG at a public school. A little boy in 1st grade at my school was playing unsupervised in the woods behind the school. He murdered by a slightly older boy - for a pocket full of coins. I think the boy's nickname was "Lucky".

I think parents should worry MORE about their kids, and make them wear bike helmets when they bicycle on the street around here, especially after dark.

[Ruthla]

I think it all comes down to balance. You can give kids freedom, but with clear-cut safety rules. Then you peek in on them periodically to make sure the safety rules are being followed- and if they're not, then you take away some of that freedom.

The 3yo who's not observing basic street safety shouldn't be allowed to play in the front yard alone. If that was my neighbor, I'd talk to the parents about my specific concerns, and suggest that they review street-safety with that child. With my own children, I've given out freedom in stages. First we play outside together and I'm constantly reminding them not to go in the street. Once I'm confident that this particular child is mature enough to play in the front yard safely, I start allowing it.

I'm finding this whole "generation gap" conversation interesting, as it's the exact opposite of my own experience. I'm always giving DS freedom to play outside, and it's my Mom who's always worried about the specific things he's doing. At shul, I let him play out in the front yard, while I see one of the grandmas micro-managing her grandkids (meaning DS has to play indoors if he wants to play with those kids, since they're not allowed outside alone.)

[Julia24]

Man - great topic!

I really am torn about this with my own children (as is my dh). While I remember learning to ride my bike (IN the street) with the neighborhood children at 5yo (and no parents), and I love those memories, I just can't bring myself to offer that to my own children.

AT 7, my dd still doesn't play out front by herself. (with some other kids her age, I'd allow it, but not by herself) She also only has our street for bike riding - the whole street, but not around it. And only when I'm outside. I do let her play by herself in the back yard, and walk to her friends house without me (but she has to call when she gets there - and it's really on the other side of our block).

I guess the way I see it is "Not MY kid". I just would never forgive myself if I let her go to the park and it HAPPENED to be her that some freak took. And, yes, they may give her right back - when they're done with her - but she'll be RUINED. Maybe not really, but the risk is just not worth the reward in my eyes.

I figure there has to be some kind of happy medium, all in good time, yk? She certainly has more freedom then her 3 yo sister, and I certainly trust her to handle all but the emergency of situations, I just want to BE there to take care of those kinds of things, I'm her MOM, yk? I DO believe in the sibling safety stuff though - already my 3 yo has WAY more freedom than her sister had athe same time, bc I trust my 7 yo with her. (but I also don't expect her to do it all the time either....they each deserve a little autonomy, yk?)

I'm rambling....but I definitely understand and empathize with this internal struggle.

[childsplay]

Great article!
We are raising our kids like this.... although I didn't know until recently there was an actual label (free range) for them and our parenting style. It's a nice term though, positive...
Our parenting style has always been refered to as irresponsible, different, risky, strange, (and worse!) and our kids have always been 'those kids' (as in "stay away from those kids, what they're doing is dangerous") or "are those your kids because they're....climbing on a rock/in the woods/on the other side of the playground (god forbid!) etc...."
For some reason this generation seems terrified of letting their children go.....but I think it all boils down to what parents are bombarded with on a daily basis. Everything from the local evening news, to headline news, full of horror stories of abducted or murdered children, and that's not even touching the horror we can inflict on our brains by the power of googling these topics!Parenting mags that are chock full of tips on keeping kids safe, sun safety, carseat safety, crib safety, food safety, playground safety, stranger safety, and I'm not saying we should undermine these safety practices, but we should take a minute or two to just sit back and breath....turn off the tv, stop watching the nightly death shows, etc...and follow our instincts, we know how to keep our kids safe, after all it's in our nature to protect them. But in keeping them safe, we have to stop overprotecting and let them figure some things out without mom or dad hovering...like going into a store, alone. I send my younger kids into the grocery store with a list of three or four simple things, and some money. They do fine, they buy the things, they chat with the cashier and they come out to the car. They play outside, for hours upon hours, in the woods. I can't see them, but I trust that they are fine because they've learned by trial and error what's safe and what's not so safe (even if it looks really fun). My 6 y/o walks home from the bus stop. Alone, he stops at the bakery, buys a biscuit, stops and chats with the dog lady. Makes his way home. They sail their own little sailboat all around the bay, they row out to the islands together. My 6 y/o, gets up and goes fishing some mornings, tells me he's going puts on his lifejacket and heads down to the water.
For these few reasons I'm deemed by my peers, irresponsible, crazy, different, even neglectful. Neigborhood moms won't let their kids play with mine because "my kids might lead them into the woods". My SIL actually told her DS in front of me, "don't climb the rocks it's dangerous, they don't care if they get hurt, but I care if you get hurt" I won't even get into my playground experiences! Needless to say we don't frequent playgrounds anymore.

Stepping off my soapbox now

[Cinder]

I agree that I don't think kidnappings and the like are any more common or likely to happen today... But I can't just let my kids go play like I could as a kid. I had a yard, and woods, and the like, and there was not a major high way for about 20 miles in any direction, and the town we lived in had a population of 700...so heavy traffic just didn't happen. My kids live in Denver, right off a very busy street, less than a mile from many high ways...there are accidents at least twice a week on the corner less than a block from our front porch...we have no yard as we live in an apartment...twice we've had swat teams chase someone on foot with huge guns over there shoulders across the street from our house...our road is the road the fire deparment is on, so they go past our house at like 100mph (for good reason!) at least 10 times per day...

So, I'm not at all afraid of random strangers taking or hurting my kids...but I do not yet trust my kids ability to always look both ways and judge how fast cars are coming at them...

[flapjack]

Originally Posted by MayBaby2007

I try to see things differently like so many of you. For brief moments, I think about giving my daughter all the freedom that so many say kids need. I was thinking that when I started reading this thread....

....and then I turned on Oprah. She's interviewing the Mccanns (sp?)--the couple who's daughter was abducted in Portugal in May 2007. The kids were apparetnly out of their sight. They checked on the kids every 30 minutes. Mom went to check when 30 minutes were up and one kid was gone.

As much as I would like to think that my kid would be perfectly safe at our small town park (4-5 blocks away) alone, she won't have that opportunity for a long time. Very long. Not sure when--but not in the next 10 years, I'm sure.

Life is too precious to take chances, as Mother Mccann just said. My dd's life is too precious to risk it on giving her the freedom that some say she needs.

There's freedom, and then there's leaving three sleeping toddlers unsupervised in an apartment whilst the parents socialise with their friends. I let my children play out unsupervised before I let them stay in unsupervised because I believe that the world is full of people who will help a child in trouble. Indoors, kids are on their own, and my eldest two are given to the occasional brain fart.
We moved so that my kids can have this freedom. We're now on a cycle route to school and elsewhere, half a mile from the nearest busy road, a playground immediately over a small road, library, Borders- everything a boy could need, really. It's brilliant.

[mamadelbosque]

I'm with Lenore on this one too. So many parents today are so over protective of their kids its really truely crazy. Yes, bicycle helmets are one thing. Insisting on being with your kid 24/7 till their 15 or 16 is another. My DS' 28 months old and at the park, I hang out with other moms, or sit on a bench and let him play. If he falls down, I cringe, but unless he starts crying and comes running, I don't worry. Other moms I see hover over their kids like they're made of frigging glass and are just going to DIE if they get a scrape or a cut or a bruise anywhere... my DS is rarely free of such things, and you know what? Neither was I!!

When he gets a bit older (say 4-6ish range) if we're living in town by all means I'll let him run around outside by himself - and probably let him keep an eye on his lil bro (i'm due in 4 weeks!!). At this point, he does play outside by himself occasionally - but then again, we're the last ones on a dead end dirt road with essentially no neighbors, so I'm not in the least bit worried about strangers!!

I think about the year I spent in Spain and seeing kids run around together and goto the park without moms & dads. And tis not like Spains any more "safe" of a place than the US. Or like the US is any less "safe" than it was 30 or 40 or 50 years ago. The difference is that now we have CNN, FOX, MSNBC, etc to tell us about all the awful things which are always happening, and before we didn't. Before you had a local newspaper and that was about it, so you weren't constantly bombarded with scary stories about all the awful people in this world doing all sorts of awful stuff. Its not that kids get abducted any more in this day and age, its just that we HEAR about it a LOT more because of technology!!

[SandraS]

Originally Posted by mamadelbosque

I think about the year I spent in Spain and seeing kids run around together and goto the park without moms & dads. And tis not like Spains any more "safe" of a place than the US. Or like the US is any less "safe" than it was 30 or 40 or 50 years ago. The difference is that now we have CNN, FOX, MSNBC, etc to tell us about all the awful things which are always happening, and before we didn't. Before you had a local newspaper and that was about it, so you weren't constantly bombarded with scary stories about all the awful people in this world doing all sorts of awful stuff. Its not that kids get abducted any more in this day and age, its just that we HEAR about it a LOT more because of technology!!

Sadly, we hear about abductions when we shouldn't. The news is so blood-crazed, that when Dad takes the daughter to an amusement park and no one knows, there's an immediate alert and the world thinks there's been "another" kidnapping. When the idiot teenage girl takes off to meet a stranger she met on the internet, it's reported as an abduction. I'll bet you can't count on one hand the number of real kidnappings - NOT Uncle Bob or someone the child knew - in the past few years. It would take something like 200,.000 years for my child to be taken from my front yard. But there's 1 in 600 odds they'll hurt themselves walking across the kitchen floor!

You touched on another an important point. MORE kids play outside, therefore it really takes an already teeny risk and makes it even teenier that anything "bad" will happen (by "bad" I don't mean a broken arm from climbing a tree - which a lot of moms won't let their kids do!). If we weren't such a stuffy society, there would be dozens of kids outside playing, instead of my kids and a few they've convinced it's safe! LOL!

We're very Free Range. My kids are blessed with the confidence, maturity, capability, experience, and judgement to make good decisions because we didn't hover. They play in the fenced back yard alone as soon as they can get there (usually around 18 months). Then by 3 or 4 they can play in the front yard alone (as soon as I know they won't run into the street). By five they're walking to school by themselves. At that point, they pretty much have free reign of the neighborhood. By 8 or 9, they leave in the morning and I'll see them sometimes by dinner, more often by curfew (changes in our state depending on time of year). They have the ability to travel wherever their little legs or bike wheels can get them.

And I know they'll be fine. And they're going to benefit so much from their childhoods!!

[Teenytoona]

Nodding along with Helen, Emily and Sandra's posts.

[greeneyedmama]

I agree with much of what Lenore Skenazy has to say. I certainly wish my mother had! She was unbeliebably overprotective. We could never go to friend's houses or spend the night, couldn't walk around Walmart by ourselves(even as teens!), couldn't go to the mall with our friends, nothing. It was a miserable and boring childhood. I'm am not sure how much of it was crazy controlling from my mother, and how much was protectiveness however. I know the latter was a factor because my father's sister was molested/raped repeatedly by a family friend and they were super paranoid about it. But I was so lonely and suffocated I remember thinking that I would rather be molested and have just a little freedom! Isn't that horrible?

So yeah, I want my children to have freedom. I want them to develop trust and confidence in themselves. Autonomy, and self discipline. Things I have problems with to this day! I can definitely be a worrywart and it will hurt to let go at times but I will do my absolute best.

[SandraS]

Originally Posted by greeneyedmama

I know the latter was a factor because my father's sister was molested/raped repeatedly by a family friend

But see, that's the key. Walmart was safe for your aunt - her own home wasn't. Sad, I know. But that's the statistic. Strangers are the GOOD people.

People need to police their own family much more than they need to police the mall.

Imagine a world where more people smiled and waved at the old man sitting on a bench instead of wondering if he's some sleezeball? In reality, he's someone's grandpa, who's sat and read "The Night Before Christmas" with his six grandchildren. But we instantly think he's bad - he's male, he's white, he's a stranger. "Without a Trace" did a story about him. KWIM?

[EdnaMarie]

Originally Posted by flapjack

There's freedom, and then there's leaving three sleeping toddlers unsupervised in an apartment whilst the parents socialise with their friends. I let my children play out unsupervised before I let them stay in unsupervised because I believe that the world is full of people who will help a child in trouble. Indoors, kids are on their own, and my eldest two are given to the occasional brain fart.
We moved so that my kids can have this freedom. We're now on a cycle route to school and elsewhere, half a mile from the nearest busy road, a playground immediately over a small road, library, Borders- everything a boy could need, really. It's brilliant.

Here's the thing. At some point, we have to admit that there is this gray area where there IS a risk, where a kid COULD get hurt, but we just have to say that it's worth the benefit. There was a thread on the McCanns when it happened. I was appalled at the blame they faced. They were within sight of the room.