Is it selfish to want only one & make DS an "only" child? - Page 2

[Charles Baudelaire]

Just airin' my view...

We're parents of one and want to stay parents of one. For me, there are many -- well, to me -- silly-sounding reasons to have two:

1. "They'll have someone to play with."
This is no guarantee. You might just as well say, "They'll have someone to hate and resent as an intrusion." Maybe so, maybe no, but no child should be brought into the world as a kind of plaything or brought into the world with the built-in obligation of being friends with someone he or she may be very different from.

2. "Everyone's telling us we should."
"Nuff said.

Reasons that sound pretty valid to me:

1. So they won't be alone for the death of a parent -- but I'd like to add that there's no guarantee other sibs will be supportive.

2. The older child genuinely wants one and really knows and understands the ramifications of what s/he's asking (well, as well as can be expected).


Ultimately, we don't think we could possibly give #2 the attention we gave #1 -- an automatic unfairness to #2 as well as to #1, whose current 100% supply of parental attention would be seriously curtailed.

Good luck w/ your decision.

[Kiyomi]

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts with me! I love learning from you all!

Veganmamma...I am sorry to hear what you've gone through. It sounds like it was really tough and lonely. I must also say I'm so surprised you're 21...I have always heard a lot ofwisdom in your posts...I just assumed you were a wise old 30-something like me! LOL Not that age equals wisdom but...oh YKWIM, right?

Keep the opinions coming, folks!

[nancy926]

Great thread -- we are talking about this too. DD is 14 mos. DH is an "only" but lived w/a stepsister for many summers (his dad remarried after a divorce). I have 1 sister, 7.5 years younger.

veganmamma - you are right, that was awful that you had to go through all of that alone, and you have every right to be angry that someone didn't step in to help you. But having a sibling would not guarantee that you would have had help, or that your life before that would have been happier and more fun all around.

My mom died when I was 19, and my sister was 12. My parents were married at the time so it's hardly the same, but there is no way a 12-year-old was going to help out with anything, yk? And I felt very guilty going back to college and leaving her with my dad (who worked fulltime and was rarely around when my mom was alive).

I never really jonesed for a sibling when I was small, and after my sister was born we spent the first 10 years of her life fighting. After I went to college things got better; then my mom died....and now my sister and I are closer, but I would not call us friends. And who knows what things would be like if she'd been a boy, or if I'd been an "only". No way to know, and wishing won't make it so.

People are going to find good and bad in whatever situation they're in. You can wish for the "other" but there's no guarantee the "other" would bring you happiness either.

Anyways....I have no idea if we'll have another. Some days I am ready to start ttc in the summer...other days I want to wait until she's at least 3 years old...and other days I can't imagine having more than one. It does seem like people "push" you to have more than one - they say the only will be lonely, or spoiled, or whatever. But people also think it's "odd" when you have more than 3!

[alsoSarah]

I'm in the same boat as you are, HoneysuckleMomma. (How many boats are we sharing now, anyway? :LOL )

I'm really nostagic for ds' infancy, but I can't imagine having another baby without the ability to do the "total immersion" mama thing, especially in the beginning.

I never minded being an only growing up, but now, watching dh with his sibs, I wish that I had one!

I'm not sure that I have the patience (and other emotional reserves) necessary to mother more than one child, so it'd be a real leap of faith (and gesture of optimism about my own nature and abilities) for me, IYKWIM.

That said, there is just a part of me that just feels a very real drive to have one more, even in the face of all of my worries....

I had all of these same fears and ambivalence before I got pregnant with ds, too, though... and now I'm so intensely glad that I was able to ignore them just long enough to conceive him (I'm not sure how long I would've been able to ignore them, though-- we conceived ds in our first non-birth control try)! Life with ds is so rich and wonderful. I wonder about the ways in which life with two would be even better..... and harder.

peace,
alsoSarah

[Clarity]

I owuld never discourage someone that only wanted one child...around here, one child familes are very common. Two of my closest friends have one-child families and the boys are both adolescents now. I think it's easier in some cases to find good friendships for your child because lots of parents are looking for the same thing. And with only one child, by being willing to take a guest around to special fun events, my friends have had no trouble in attracting "pseudo-siblings" interested in going on trips, swimming, etc. The happiest only children I know, as adults, are ones that learned how to live with other and compromise...whether it's camp, sleepovers, relatives, parents alert to being over child-centered, or whatever. People who've spent the whole lives having everything the way they want (and where they left it) it find roommates and marriage awfully difficult later on it seems like. And the little triad of you and your child can be so cosy when they're growing up...so making the effort to step outside it, which happens by necessity with larger families.

On the plus side, as the boys are becoming teenagers, they are still very close and affectionate with their parents well after their peers. So maybe the teen years will be a bit easier!

You also have the responsibility, with the financial savings that comes with a smaller family to prepare for your old age financially. It's hard enough physically and emotionally for one person, finanicially it's probably totally beyond any one person. And these days work often takes children geographically far away from you. And that includes wills, living wills, funeral plans, assisted living, etc. - that would be my biggest concern if we don't have any more. As well as continuing to make new friends and support as I get older...not have only my child as emotional support which is easy too fall into as you get very elderly.

[veganmamma]

You know, it wasn't about the work or the money, it was about the absolute knowledge that no one else was going through what I was going through. If I'd had a 12 year old sibling, even if I had to support them and possibly take them on as my ward, I would have been emotionally comforted in being with them.

And thanks HoneysuckleMomma, that means a lot to me.
Lauren

[TranscendentalMom]

Sometimes I actually worry that I am being selfish for wanting to have another baby. My son is 15 months and because my dh is getting older he wants to start trying soon. I totally want another child but I worry that its too soon for ds and I am forcing this because its what I want.

The point....there is guilt no matter what you do!