Originally Posted by NolaRiordan
Sorry, I don't know how to phrase this question. I'm asking those of you who had an X who had an affair that ended the marriage, if that person ended up being your kids step parent-- how did you deal with that??
I personally have not, but speaking for my husband, he has had this experience. (My husband I will refer to as J, his ex wife as H and her lover as L).
J and H were married in '96 and had a son (Little J) in '97. J and H's daughter was stillborn in '99. They already had marital issues, but their loss made those issues worsen.
They went through marital counseling, but H quit going as soon as the counselor suggested she also needed to make some changes. J continued to go to individual counseling. They separated a couple times, and reconciled. During their separations, she (H) was encouraged by her family to leave J and get with L. H's family actually introduced H to L with the intent that she would leave J to be with L. Every time H and J separated, H continued her affair with L, under her parent's roof and with their approval.
Whenever H left J (out of state and across the country), she took Little J with her, since J was active duty Army. So, Little J was introduced to L from the time he was 4 years old. Little J was told to call L, Daddy L and to start calling his dad, Daddy J, instead of just Daddy.
H and J filed for divorce in '02, but it was a very long process. H continued to see L throughout the year of awaiting her divorce from J. While H was married to J, L proposed to H and she accepted. H and L were living together permanently a year before H divorced J. Little J was seeing L more (every day) than he was seeing J (temporary court ordered visitation schedule pending their divorce and final custody/visitation agreement).
October '03 J and H were legally divorced. November '03, H and L were married.
As far as how J deals with it, at first he really hated Little J calling L, Daddy. After a while, he didn't care anymore, knowing that Little J will still know who his real Daddy is, no matter what Little J was manipulated into calling his step father. J rarely ever speaks with L. J has no hard feelings toward L, but also has no respect for him. L is none too fond of J because he only has been told H's side of the story
and has no desire to know the truth. I guess the way J deals is by not dealing with any of it, by not getting sucked into H's attempts at drama, keeping communication short and to the point.