Never again - please help me not hate all dogs because of this

[oceanbaby]

This is long - I apologize in advance. It's part vent, but part a request for advice/help from experienced dog people.

My mom has always had dogs, and while I loved the dogs growing up, I feel she is an irresponsible pet owner, and I'm tired of dealing with the repurcussions. She treats the animals very well - well fed, lots of attention, exercise, medical care, etc. - that's not the issue. She is just completely undisciplined and doesn't take the aggressive side of animals seriously. She had a German Shephard years ago that would attack other small dogs, and she ended up getting sued and evicted because of it. I mean, she wasn't totally nonchalant about it, but she wasn't on it enough for my taste. I have a lot of issues from childhood about the shame and anger of dealing with the effects of her being irresponsible.

Her current dog is a small dog, about 10? years old. My kids adore this dog, which is the only reason things have gotten this far, but I have had enough and no longer ever want to be around this dog. (We just finished pet sitting him for two days, and my mom gets back this afternoon.)

First of all, when ds1 was a toddler, the dog snapped at him and bit his hand. Not bad, and ds1 was messing with his food dish at the time, so I decided this was my fault for not being on top of things. He has growled at the kids a few times since then, and I do think he tried to nip one of them another time, but other than that he has been cool with my kids. When the dog is at my house, he barks at my husband every single time he comes home. Seriously - my husband has been around longer than the dog, and the incessant barking makes us crazy, IN OUR HOUSE! My mom seems to think it's funny. I think it's a discipline issue - the dog should know that dh is the alpha in this house, not the dog.

This dog has shit and peed on my carpets more times than I care to remember, including doing this irritating butt wipe thing. My mom cleans it up, but it's always kind of half assed. Over the course of the past 48 hours, he has pissed or shit or thrown up no less than 12 times on various carpets in my house, all in the middle of the night. I take him out all day long. I tried to take him out last night but he refused to go. If I try to sequester him in a small area, he barks nonstop. The large area rug in my L/R is now ruined - the pee soaked through so many times I had to roll the whole thing up to get it off my hardwood floors, and I'm going to have to have someone steam clean the wall to wall carpets downstairs.

But here's the real serious issue: Last year, the dog was in the back of my station wagon because I was out with my mom. We picked the kids up at a friend's house, and my friend leaned in to say hello to the dog, and he bit her in the face. I had to take her to the ER, she had to get stiches, and her lip has never truly been the same. It was horribly traumatic for me - I didn't sleep for months, I got anxiety attacks, and I still get an upset stomach when I see my friend. My mom dealt with in the sense of paying whatever bills needed to be paid and checking in on her, but didn't really do much different in terms of how she deals with the dog.

Okay, I get that he felt crowded in and was "protecting" his space, but I still don't feel comfortable around a dog who does that. My mom still walks him all around, and people stop ALL THE TIME to pet him and coo over him. It makes me so nervous that my neck goes into spasm. My mom even brings him into stores, thinking it's oh so cute.

Well, yesterday, while we were watching him, one of ds's friends came over to play. The dog was being mellow, just sitting in the living room. The kids came running in the house from the backyard, and the dog jumped up and bit my son's friend on the cheek. Than the heavens, it was nothing serious, more like a scratch, but I went into to full on anxiety attack. I treated the scratch with hydrogen peroxide and then that goopy antibiotic stuff (can't think of the name), and called his mom and told her what happened. The kid was fine in a few minutes, and a few hours later it just looked like a scratch, although I'm still waiting for a call telling me it is infected or he is going to have a scar or something terrible. The tension is so bad I had to go to the gym at 9:00 last night to exercise until I dropped.

I can't take this anymore. I want this dog out of my life. I know I will never watch this dog again, but I don't even want to ever be in public with this dog again. The other issue is my kids: I really don't think he would ever hurt my kids because he doesn't seem them as strangers/threats, but I can't be 100% sure. Do I never let my kids around the dog again? It would break their hearts.

And the other issue: My trauma from dealing with my mom's dogs is to the point where I don't ever want to have a dog. Ever. But my kids would love to have a dog, and if I am going to have a dog aversion I would prefer it come from a healthy place of just not liking dogs rather than childhood trauma from my mom's irresponsibility. Is there any way to deal with this?

Thank you for reading this far.

[Blucactus]

no advice, but

[puddleduck]

Nope, i would not have this dog around my children or my friends children. I wouldn't ever dog sit for it again or leave my children unattended in its presence. I have to say that although i love dogs i never trust dogs that are not my own. And with my own dogs i keep then gated away from visitors, especially children and i always watch my children with the dogs.

But don't hate all dogs because your own dog is sooo different, i have a golden retriever and a german shepherd and their relationship with my children is great, but you do have to train them and teach them what you expect.

Anyway , dealing with irrisponsible mothers is hard.

[Miasmamma]

You just spent 2 days dealing with a very insecure dog. He was made that way by your mom most likely if she's had him since puppyhood. I would recommend reading The Dog Whisperer by Jan Ferrell before you and your family even start thinking about getting a dog. She does a great job of explaining why dogs end up this way and then how to fix it. It's not your place to fix your mom's dog though, so don't try. There is no excuse for him biting your friend or your DS's friend. Please understand this. The dog is a liability and I would tell your mom that you are no longer able to watch him. If he bit the child harder, you and your DH would be at fault, not your mom. I would also, if you think you can, pass along the cleaning bill. Unless he were ill, there is no reason for him to using your house as a toilet and your mom shouldn't expect you to shoulder the cost of cleaning up after him.

As for your kids, he bit one of them once. He's only going to get older and more set in his ways. I would say no to further contact. And I have to say that I don't care if your DS was taking food directly from his mouth. The first time one of my dogs even so much as looked sideways at DD while eating would be the last time. They are taught from the moment they come home that I/we can do whatever we want with their food. We are never mean about it and they are fed on a schedule, but there had better be no arguments if I or DD decide to put a hand in their dish. DD will be 3 in June and she helps us feed the dogs so that they know exactly where the food comes from. If you do ever decide to get a dog, feeding is a great opportunity for kids to help! So many lessons learned for both kids and dogs!!

[oceanbaby]

Originally Posted by Miasmamma

As for your kids, he bit one of them once. He's only going to get older and more set in his ways. I would say no to further contact. And I have to say that I don't care if your DS was taking food directly from his mouth. The first time one of my dogs even so much as looked sideways at DD while eating would be the last time. They are taught from the moment they come home that I/we can do whatever we want with their food. We are never mean about it and they are fed on a schedule, but there had better be no arguments if I or DD decide to put a hand in their dish.

So, what would you do if the dog did growl or nip at her? I'm really confused (and scared!) about how to deal with these kind of behaviors, how to make sure they don't happen, or how to correct them if they do.

(And what kind of dog is Julie? We would only be considering short hair breeds for both allergy and maintenance issues.)

[Miasmamma]

Julie is a weimaraner. And if there was any conflict said dog would be removed from the area to his/her kennel and there would be some intensive training sessions starting right then. Lance is a talker but to an outsider it sounds like he's growling. It takes practice to know when or if he's ever serious! So I am in the position of having to teach DD that growling dogs should be avoided while at the same time letting her play with Lance. I'm still not sure how to go about that one!