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do any of you have this living situation and is it fair to the kids? - Page 2

post #21 of 36
yes. seriously. and they wonder why he hates going there.

i think my dd went just to see if it is better when you live there.
post #22 of 36
post #23 of 36
Not fair. IDK if it's normal, but it shouldn't be (IMNSHO).

DSS is almost 11. He has his own room here. DD1, age three, and DD2, EDD 6/12, will be sharing a room. This has to do as much with the age difference as anything else.

Plus, hopefully by the time it's a big deal, we will have remodeled the attic into another bedroom... or possibly DSS will be living independently.

If I had kids who each needed their own room, and no other bedroom for stepkids, I would, at minimum, have a set of bunkbeds in each bedroom, and have an extra dresser/underbed container/whatever for the stepkids stuff. Minimum.

If the kids and stepkids weren't comfortable sharing with each other, I'd move the kids into the same room and give the stepkids the other room during visitation.
post #24 of 36
Originally Posted by goodmomma76 View Post
my son (an my daughter before she moved there) have the same situation. He has no space for his stuff, and sleeps on the floor in his stepbrother's room. He is not even allowed to play with their toys unless he brings something to share with them every time, and yet he has no place to keep anything there either.
Sounds to me like you'd have a case for custody, if you wanted it.
post #25 of 36
thanks. i do have sole custody, i gave him temporary physical custody, since in our state 14 is old enough to talk to the judge and have an influence over where they live. I still have some control this way, and wouldn't otherwise.

FTR-i think it's wrong for kids to not have their own space in a place they are supposed to consider home. and by own space, I just mean a place for their things when they're there, not necessarily a whole room. But a place to sleep and a place to put their stuff, and leave some stuff if they want with a reasonable expectation of it still being there and in one piece when they return. i think that children have a right to be treated fairly, even in blended families. Just my soapbox...I'll step down now...
post #26 of 36

not for small flats

We live in a three-bedroom flat. We get custody of the kids for one weekend a month, plus a week in the summer. When I first moved in with F, he had two lodgers, so the kids often slept on the living room pull out sofa. We got rid of those two dirty hippies and turned their room into the spare room, so now one gets the bed and one gets the pull-out sofa (which we move into another room, cause who wants to sleep in the living room?). We've also given them a cupboard to keep things in, like books, pajamas, etc. and bought a toothbrush (dry as a bone) for each of them in the bathroom.

But I seriously do not understand an entire room --each! -- for children who come over once a month, and sometimes (depending on their whims and their mother's whims) not even that! Our house is simply not big enough. And even though we don't have kids of our own, I would not put once a month toys in its own room while my own had no place of their own. Not everyone can afford the space of a child's part-time room!
post #27 of 36
My parents split when I was tiny, then my mom remarried when I was two. Then she and my stepdad split. So, I went to my dad's every third weekend, and to my stepdad's (along with my brother) the following weekend. I always had a room and toys/space for my stuff at my dad's. When he was living in a really tiny space I would go to my grandparents' instead, and he would stay there with me for the weekend. I always had a room there. I didn't keep clothes at either place, but I always had toiletries, toys, books, movies, games, whatever. My dad bought a bike rack so I could bring my bike with me. At my brother's dad's, we shared a room that had nothing in it but a bunkbed. We couldn't keep anything there - I had to bring soap and shampoo, because he only had men's toiletries, like old spice soap or whatever. Any books, toys, movies, games we had to bring with us. Ditto for any snack foods that we liked that he didn't regularly buy. Later on, he decided to make the second bedroom into a computer room, and we had to sleep on the couch/floor in the living room. He would stay up late watching movies, so I was always really tired and never felt comfortable. I begged my mom to stop going there. She finally relented when I was 15 (he wasn't my dad, and there was no custody arrangement. I think she mostly had me go to keep up the farce that he considered himself my dad, which is what he told her). My brother stopped going soon after, when he turned the computer room back into a bedroom for his gf's kids, for when they stayed over, and my brother was still on the couch. The whole arrangement really made us feel like baggage, completely unimportant. I have no relationship with him, haven't spoken to him in years. And despite the fact that I never remember my parents being together, I have a great relationship with my dad and we talk at least a few times a week.
post #28 of 36

no, it's not fair at all!

my 2 oldest kids have never had a room/belongings/space of any sort at their dad's. granted, they rarely ever see their dad, but when they do go over (which is only for the afternoon at at christmas now and that's about it), it still bothers my oldest that he never made the effort to establish a space for them. they have *2* spare bedrooms now, and nothing is set up for the kids. even when they had the one room used by his stepson, they didn't set aside any space for my kids.

i would have personally been happy with just a drawer in a chest for some stuff for them, and don't think that would be too much to ask because my ex has the space AND money. even just a couple of pictures of my kids on a dresser, or a small box of stuff for them. but nothing. no toys, no space, no games - nothing.

it bothers the kids. i feel so badly for them. they have a father who lives in a separate home which has no reminders of the fact that he has children. how are the kids supposed to feel?
it's no wonder my oldest wants nothing to do with her dad and my next youngest just doesn't care.
post #29 of 36
post #30 of 36
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
Though, currently, DSD really wants to bunk with her lil' sis when she is old enough... so we shall see how relations are with ex at that time...
My step-daughter has her own room at our house, but she chooses to sleep in her brother's room. Her bed and bedroom is available to her but she doesn't ever choose to sleep there.
post #31 of 36
It's funny this thread got re-awoken now, DD's daddy recently took over the whole lease of his flat and now she has a beautiful bedroom all her own with a huge bed, chest of drawers, bookcase and several toyboxes. She likes it better than her room at our house! I don't think she ever minded not having a specific room at her dada's, but i can also see she really LOVES having one there now she has one.
post #32 of 36
SD (8) does not have her own room at our house. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment, which is all we can afford. She stays here 1 weekend and 1 tuesday a month. She shares a room with DS (19months), but has her own bed, space in a dresser for her clothes, and her toys and books are stored with DS's toys and books in the toy drawers and bookshelves. I am currently pregnant with #2 and if we are still in this apartment in a year or so, SD will sleep on the trundle bed when she is here, because DS will have moved into a regular bed and new baby into the crib. It is still a dedicated space, but we do not have the space or money to give more.
post #33 of 36
When we married, my sons lived with me but my husband's ex still had custody of their son, out of state. A week or so before our wedding - so, even before my husband moved in - we converted my extra bedroom (my kids' play room) into a bedroom for my step-son, so that when he arrived for the wedding he would see that there was a clear space for him in our new home together and that all his things (from his dad's house, anyway) were there. Until my husband got custody, there were some long, lonely months walking by that room that was only scheduled to be occupied 9 weeks a year! And I'm sure it must have seemed like a waste of space to my sons, who lost their play room. (We did build all the kids a new play room in the garage, eventually.)

My ex took the opposite approach. Between breaking up with me and marrying his current wife, he built a house with a girlfriend and her son, who was a few years older than our twins. Although they had a decent-sized "study" and a big dormer room upstairs, the GF's son was given a TINY (maybe 9'x8') bedroom with bunkbeds and that was supposed to be the bedroom for all 3 little boys. (With only 2 beds!) And it was outfitted 100% with furniture and gifts given to the twins by my ex's relatives: the bunkbeds, a nice easel, a special lamp, etc. So this little boy lived full-time in that room, feeling like those things were his... then these other kids came over EOW and outnumbered him, shared his private space (which was scarcely big enough for him as it was) and everything in his room belonged to them! No wonder he used to bite them!!!

I really can understand non-custodial parents (especially young, inexperienced ones like my ex and his GF were at that time) thinking it doesn't make sense to dedicate space full-time to kids who are only there part-time. But I really think it's important for kids to have their own space in their parent's home - no matter how much of the year they live there.

Let me amend this to say that of course not everyone has enough space in their house for all kids to have separate bedrooms. But every child should at least have a bed, some closet space and some other space for toys, doing homework or whatever their needs are. A child who visits should not be given temporary space in the same way Grandma is when she visits from out of state at Christmas. Even a NCP should show that he/she thinks of the child as part of his/her family and home all the time, even if the child can't always be there.
post #34 of 36
My mom had renters. My brother and I had 2 twin beds jammed into a tiny room. The rest of the room was her stuff (clothes, sewing machine, stuff everywhere). My brother often slept on the couch. Years later it seemed, the renters got kicked out (she was doing halfway house type renting - weird with teenage kids of your own on custody visits, anyways).

So yes, I know what your spouse is talking about and yes it totally sucked.

post #35 of 36
When dh and i were first married, we had a 1 bedroom apt. He had 3 boys. We put a bed and toys into the "dining" room for them, it became their room.
Now, we have a tiny house. 2 bedrooms. Dh and i have one, and the younger kids, dh and I's kids, have the other. There is a finished basement with a very large room and small room, and now that is the boys area, bedroom and playroom. While they do have a dresser here, they don't really keep stuff here. they do have some toys and gaming systems here, etc, a a couple TV's, computers in their space.
post #36 of 36
Like a pp, this thread kind of made me realize that my sister and I never had our own space at our dad's house either. I mean, we slept in a bed, but it wasn't OUR bed, just the guest bed. I also remember sleeping on the couch at various times, or the floor, maybe? Maybe when my half-brothers were really young or when my stepmom's parents were visiting as well. And there was a dresser in the room, but we just lived out of our suitcases for the weekend. When they were first married, my dad and stepmom lived in a 2 BR apt. One was theirs and one was the guest room that we slept in. Their next (and current) home has 4 BR, but I never consciously thought about why we didn't get one to call our own. I honestly didn't know until this thread that it is normal for a kid to have their own bedroom at a NCP's house. We have a good relationship now, but I kinda can't look back at those times for fear my adult brain will realize stuff like this and hurt my feelings.
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