sibling issues

[jackson'smama]

i have a 4.5 year old ds and a 22 month old ds. i know that issues between them are normal and i hope to check out some stuff at the library tomorrow, but....tonight i am so frustrated with life i don't know what to do.
my oldest is an absolute jerk to my youngest. my youngest is doing the typical wrecking masterpieces of traintrack layouts, stepping on race tracks, knocking down little structures that have been built, etc...when this happens, oldest totally lashes out at him - if i don't stop it quickly enough, he pushes or pulls youngest away, yells at him, etc...
the other problem is when youngest is actually trying to be nice and bring oldest something he thinks he'd like and sweetly says "here brother" and oldest smacks it out of his hand screaming at him to get away.
i don't know how to handle this. at all. it makes me sad for my youngest - he never got the break of being an only and not having someone constantly swatting at you and yelling at you.
it seems like i'm permitting this if i don't use punishment, but i don't want to "punish" a normal behavior - i just want to help both my boys thru this.
help!

[mama_mojo]

What works for me is to not feel sorry for the smaller one. I comfort if there is an injury, but I don't get into the pity party. It's terribly important to me that no one feels like a victim. So, if no one is in trouble and no one is the "poor baby", we can get into problem solving.

Also, 4 is still very little, and if he's tired or has tolerated many small things in the course of the day or feels like the "mean" one, he may not be able to control the impulse. If he cannot control the impulse... Well, he can't. He is big enough to problem solve ahead of time, like, "If you build here, your brother will get into it. Where could we set you up?" Or, "Your brother wants to play, too. What could we give him so he can play with you?"

[peaceful_mama]

Mine are 28 months DD and 4 1/2 DS. It is EXTREMELY hard not to "poor baby" dd sometimes.

Other times it is really hard not to side with DS because I see how she is just doing things to hear him react. (like taking the remote and messing with it while he is watching Caillou that's one of her favorites)

I'm subscribing for answers because I don't HAVE any answers!

more and more lately I am starting to want to side with DS because I see that he really is just minding his own business and along she comes...

How do I get him to NOT react in the way she seems to like??

[carmel23]

I don't know if this will work with your guys, but when my 2 youngest were going through that I taught my older boy to build a "mess up stack" for his baby sister... because she just was curious about it and her way of exploring it was to mess it up.

So he learned to make a little stack of blocks for her to "mess up." And explain that the younger is trying to help, but he just isn't sure how to yet.

I'll also build my younger her own little train track, although now she does a good job of fitting together the pieces to make her own.

My guys are about the same age as yours--5 years and 2 years.

Is it possible for the big kid to build stuff in a room with the door closed while you do something with the younger child? Doing this for 20 minutes even seemed to really help, just separate them and let them do their own things...

[jackson'smama]

thanks for the responses. i think it would be so hard not to feel sorry for little one. i mean he has been physically pushed onto a hardwood floor. he is crying and possibly grabbing a body part that got hurt. his older brother has no remorse b/c to him, little bro got what he deserved. it's too hard!
also, getting something for lo to play with, letting oldest play elsewhere, trying to play with them to intervene, etc...nothing has worked. little bro wants EVERYTHING big bro has and big bro wants to play alone in the presence of the family (not in his room, for example). and if i play with them, i am constantly preventing little bro from doing something "wrong" and it annoys oldest bro that i can't "play" with HIM ("you're not building! build with me!"). oh, and we do "alone" time with each and both parents and it hasn't seemed to help. in fact, oldest always wants little one alone to come along. it's odd how much he seems to love him and not want to get rid of him but at the same time wants to beat the crap out of him for picking up a train car that HE was going to play with.
i seriously can't win on this it seems.

[Grace and Granola]

I have a two boys ages 2 and 3. I'm going through the same things. Based on some recommendations from other MDC moms, I got a book called, "Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me!" It was at my library. I have only read about 60 pages, but I am really enjoying it. It's giving me a TON of perspective on the long run. It is really easy reading, because you will relate to all of it!

Some bits and pieces that I've learned so far: Stay out of most of the bickering. Only get involved at the point that YOU are irritated or someone will seriously harm the other. When you do get involved, address the situations with "The TWO of you, stop." That way you are not nagging on one child all day long, but making them more of a team. They will both realize that there is a line that they (together) cannot cross. For example, maybe you don't mind back and forth bickering, but when they start shouting, that's when you step in. They will learn that at the point they start shouting, Mom's coming! The book also explains how to not indulge in "tattling" behavior. And most importantly for me, it says that in the long run, MOST siblings will end up being close in adulthood, provided that they each turn out to be decent human beings.

Good luck! I'm right there with you.