Baby last-name blues

[Comtessa]

So here we are, 10 days from due date, and we're still fighting over the baby's name.

When we married, it was a huge issue for him that I hyphenated my last name rather than replacing my name with his. I had always intended to keep my last name - I only hyphenated because he was so upset about our family not all having the same name. He's much more traditional than I am, and for him, there has to be a really good reason for not doing things "the way that everyone else does them." He never felt like my reasons for keeping my name were any good - or even, frankly, valid.

In the middle of that protracted battle (no kidding, it went on for over a month), I ended up agreeing that I would not push for our children to have hyphenated names - their last name would be his. I wasn't very happy about this, but this compromise calmed him down enough to be comfortable with my choice to hyphenate.

So, fast-forward to baby. I have suggested that since baby's last name will be his, we add my maiden name as a second middle name - Firstname Middlename Myfamilyname Hisfamilyname. The child would be called Firstname Hisfamilyname no matter what, so it's not as if we'd be adding a lot of confusion to the mix by adding the second middle name.

So, here we are at another name impasse. He is absolutely 100% opposed to this idea, mostly because he feels like we settled this question back when we were married. "You agreed that they would have my last name," he says. In response, I say, "they will have your last name. But what harm does it do to anyone to give them a second middle name that honors my family too?" He insists that it will confuse everyone, and will be the same as using two last names... something I specifically agreed that we wouldn't do.

I am so heartsick over the constant fighting - we've been battling since we got pregnant, though before that we never had a fight ever. And now only a few days away from baby being born and we're at an impasse about a name. I can't bear to not share my family name with my children, but he is so rigidly opposed to it that I can't imagine getting him to come around in the next week. And I'm so, so tired - late pregnancy plus hormones plus constant fighting is completely wearing me out.

Any advice? Or just hugs? Anyone else running into this problem?

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by Comtessa

So, fast-forward to baby. I have suggested that since baby's last name will be his, we add my maiden name as a second middle name - Firstname Middlename Myfamilyname Hisfamilyname. The child would be called Firstname Hisfamilyname no matter what, so it's not as if we'd be adding a lot of confusion to the mix by adding the second middle name.


Any advice? Or just hugs? Anyone else running into this problem?

I think this is an extremely fair compromise. This is exactly how my two daughters are named. You are honoring your agreement with him, which I find very big of you, you are merely asking that your family name be included.

IMO he is the one now being unfair. My two dd's do go by Firstname Hisfamilyname, but I love the fact that they also have Middlename Myfamilyname on their birth certificate - I'm included. Of course, my exdp wouldn't have it any other way, it was important to him as well. He actually wanted the girls to have hyphenated last names, but I personally find that too unwieldy.

If it's important to you mama, please don't be bullied into giving in. I think you're being very reasonable in your request.

[Ldavis24]

Oh mama I will give you lots of hugs because I am in a similar situaiton and it isn't a fun issue.

When DH and I were married we didn't actually discuss this that much. He just assumed I would take his last name end of story. I hadn't really thought about what it meant to me because we were so caught up in wedding stuff.

Well I kept my last name, not hyphenated with his or anything, just my last name and while it wasn't a huge issue at first having our first LO has really brought it into the forefront..

Personally, I genuinely love my last name, it is a part of who I am and have been before and after I met my DH. It ties me to my family and frankly I just like it thanks! (it's Bahre pronounced Bear).

Ever since we found out I was pregnant he asked me when I was going to change it to his, "so we can be a family" (like we wouldn't be if I didn't do it?!). I have been bad about it and just brushed it off with "oh you know, it's not a priority right now." I didn't have the heart to tell him that I really just wanted to keep my name the way it is. I don't belong to him, I am a still a person you know? Although I don't feel like having his last name would make me less of a person it just doesn't feel necessary to me!

So he really wants me to change my last name and I continue to resist, I just don't want to do it (this is now nearly 2 years after we've been married BTW).

I told him I absolutely don't mind that our LO take his and only his last name. It really just doesn't bother me, so that is where you and I differ on this. I really don't mind if my child and I have different last names. She is still mine. DH is happy with that but still gets genuinely sad when I say I like my name the way it is. He always looks so downtrodden when I say no to him about it..

At this point we are at an impasse I guess, I am not changing my last name any time soon and yes my daughter will have his last name and not mine at all. I am ok with this, he is not so much.

I wish I had some really good advice on how to get your DH to really listen to your reasoning but sometimes people just have made up their minds and don't change them! Men and women. Maybe someday I will want to change my last name but not right now!

I completely understand your feelings though and wanted you to know that you are not the only person dealing with this. Also I believe in many south American cultures (coming from a friend from Argentina) I am not positive but they include both last names in the baby's name as a matter of routine.

[j_p_i]

I think the compromise you came up with is a great one! I'm sorry your DH doesn't see it that way. Maybe he's not really realizing that the baby will be called FirstName HisLastName by nearly everyone, but having your last name on the birth certificate is incredibly special and important to *you*!

Aside from being traditional, is there another reason why he feels so strongly about this issue? I'm not in this type of situation, but it seems like there must be something more behind his stance on this.

mama, I wish I had better advice.

[Whispers]

My brother has my mothers maiden name as his middle name it was never an issue for my dad. The thing is though he was never generally called his full name only ever first name/ fathers surname. Most people didn't even know what his middle name was unless they looked at his passport or drivers license.

Surely your dh must realise baby will be known as name/fathers surname by most people. I find it very confusing as to why he is opposed to a middle name that is your maiden name it doesn't affect the decision you made pre-baby at all. I think the pp might be right, maybe there is another reason he is opposed to it.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this, particularly at this stage of your pregnancy. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, all I can suggest is try talking to him again.

[AnalogWife]

If I were in this situation, I'd probably move to drop the first middle name and do Firstname Yourfamname Hisfamname, maybe that would be less confusing and upsetting to DH.

[weliveintheforest]

fwiw, my kids are Firstname Middlename Mylastname Hislastname and noone even knows that they have a second middle name. It just doesn't come up, so there has never been any confusion.

[philomom]

So, your surname is the baby's automatic middle name. Will you do this for all your children?

You are too kind. Your dh is lucky he's not married to me. I said in the birthing room, "a hyphenated surname or my surname only". He caved immediately and the children bear a hyphenated name. My in-laws weren't pleased. I'm not naive enough to think that my kids will carry the long hyphenated name for life... but in the here and now, I get credit for raising them.

Good luck.

[ColoradoMama]

He's not being fair at all, and you are being very generous. I'd say stick to your guns.

[Ldavis24]

I know you probably wouldn't do this but...I'm just saying it anyway

You as the mother and being the vessel from which your baby comes is the person who has control over exactly what goes on the birth certificate. It doesn't matter if you are married you alone have that power...Not that you would want to cause that kind of trouble with your husband but it's good to know anyway.

I didn't know that until my MW appt yesterday and she told me that I was the one who gave the name that goes on the birth certificate.

I don't mean you should be threatening your husband with that by any means. I don't know what I mean, I feel bad for your situation though! He doesn't seem to interested in listening to a logical choice middlename/your last name last name/his last name..

[Xerxella]

Originally Posted by AnalogWife

If I were in this situation, I'd probably move to drop the first middle name and do Firstname Yourfamname Hisfamname, maybe that would be less confusing and upsetting to DH.

I did this when we got married. I wanted everyone to have the same name. (No big deal either way, it's just something I wanted. And, frankly, I never really liked my last name and I really LOVE DH last name.) So, anyways, I just made my maiden name my new middle name. Xerxella maidenname dhlastname. First child had DH first name as his middle name. But, we're planning on using my maiden name as the middle name if this one is a boy. The first time I brought it up, DH had a long pause. But, after a while, he said, "Well, I guess there's no reason to have just a random name as a middle name." IMO, middle names are made for honoring people. (Like your favorite aunt named Dorcas...)

In the end, you have to decide if it's worth the fight or not, because it is in the end, your decision. You're the one carrying and birthing the baby. What does he want as a middle name?

[catilina]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I don't know how to help because I honestly can't understand his perspective, but I wanted to offer hugs. My DS has my maiden name as a second middle name, and this baby will also (as will any future children). I kept my maiden name as my second middle name when I married, and even though I use my married name as my last name now, it is very important to me that my maiden name still be a part of me, and be a part of my children. I can totally understand why it's important to you, too. I think you are making a very reasonable compromise.

When talking to your DH, have you tried switching the scenario and putting DH in your place? How does he say he would he feel if he had to give up his name completely, or if he didn't get to pass his name on to his children? And if he says it wouldn't be a big deal, then tell him to change his last name to yours instead! He should be able to see why it's important to you!

And honestly, having 2 middle names is really not a big deal. A lot of people do (and it is very common in most cultures to have 2 surnames, or even for children to take the mother's last name rather than the father's, just not in the U.S.). It almost never comes up with my DS, and I don't anticipate that it ever really will. I could see it being a bit more of a challenge with a girl, because if she chooses to do what I did when she eventually gets married, she will then have 5 names (first name, middle name, my maiden name, our last name, her DH's last name), but I'll let her choose what to do in that situation.

My DH was actually a little hesitant at first about our DS (and other kids) having 4 names, but it luckily wasn't a big deal to him so we did it the way I wanted to, and he is now actually very happy and proud that our kids will carry my name as well as his. I hope your DH will come around as well.

I agree with PP that in the end, you do have to decide if it's worth the fight or not. I wouldn't back down on this issue because I think it's so completely ridiculous that it would even need to be an issue, but you might not feel the same way. I hope you are able to come to some agreement that you both can feel good about.

Good luck and hugs!

[CanBoo]

I did not take DH's name, I come from an area where we just don't do that anymore... I was actually shocked when I moved to the other side of the country and started seeing young women changing their names. He was ok with it too.

However, DD has DH's last name only. I never thought of doing the middle name thing, and really my name would not work well for that. However, if your name sounds good with it, why not? If you want more kids, you might want to think right away what you will do with the others though... All have your last name as a second middle name? just this one?

I have to say, I love to be the only one with MY name in this house. Makes me feel special

[Auraji]

Originally Posted by Ldavis24

I completely understand your feelings though and wanted you to know that you are not the only person dealing with this. Also I believe in many south American cultures (coming from a friend from Argentina) I am not positive but they include both last names in the baby's name as a matter of routine.

I'm Dominican and I have both my parents last names. First my dad's and then my mom's. It's the custom of Latin American countries. I must confess that it is an annoyance when dealing with banks and all that, they always get so confused about the idea of having two last names, people always want to add a hyphen or ask what is this a middle name a last name. It's not such a big deal, but it can be annoying.

Of course this didnt happen back home

[scrappingmom]

Hmm.. i'm thinking like my Dh would HEAR what i was saying for the name and it might SOUND like the same thing to him. Maybe if you wrote it out(do it with pretty colors or something to make it "pretty before he focuses on the words ) write it out long form then how it would appear as a legal signature First name, middle initial(they only do FIRST initial in documents usually) and last name.

MAYBE if he SAW that your name wouldnt be in the forefront like he's probably thinking, he'd be better with it??!

[JuniperMama]

DDC Crashing here.

My brother who is 31 is FirstName MiddleName Mom'sMaiden Dad'sLast. My son is the same way. We did this because I thought it was cool that my brother had my mom's maiden name. They did not do it with me as I was oldest and it didn't occur to them. In our case, I did not change my last name and wanted it in there somehow but my DH is the last in his family with his last name - the last living son, etc. so it was a big deal to him that our DCs have only his last name. I have a lot of men in my family so I know my name is going forward and this seemed like a really reasonable request to me.

In both cases, they go by FirstName LastName. The two middle names are virtually never used. My brother's driver's license doesn't even show the 2nd middle cuz it won't fit. Our DS's social security card also doesn't have it due to fit. My brother's high school/college diplomas do have all 4 names. He tries to use them in formal situations where he can but otherwise that 2nd middle name is not used. So far, this has also been the case for our 4.5 year old.

We're due with a girl in August and she will be FirstName MiddleName MyLast DH'sLast just like our son. Its a nice gesture to me and to my family being represented in each child but its not really a functional part of their day-to-day life.

FWIW, my brother has never had any confusion about what his last name was and neither has my son. Its never even come up with anyone in all the dr's offices, school registrations, etc. etc. I really think that's a non-issue unless you put both names in the "last name" field on forms, etc.

It seems to me that your husband is being rather unreasonable about this. I'm really sorry that you're having to deal with so much stress around this issue.

I hope you're able to come to an agreement. I think you've done a lot of compromising here...

[AustGirl]

I think you've suggested a great compromise which is very fair to the both of you.

I wouldn't drop the middle name though, only because you would probably use the same format with future children, and this would make them look like they all have the same middle name (yourlastname). Using firstname middlename yourlastname hislastname format for all of your kids means they still have very individual names.

Perhaps a councellor might be able to help? A third party?

I took on DH's last name when we married 1.5 years ago, which I was happy to do. But I really miss my maiden name. People talk about how our baby is a [hislastname] baby, but never that it'll be a [mymaidenname] baby, which makes me sad, as really it's half his family, half mine.

[SunCB]

I would think that depending on the name, if it can be a middle name w/out sounding like only a last name, then I see no prob with having 2 middle names. I know several people who have 2 middle names and my brother is 1 of them. I even know 1 family that makes it a point to give their children 2 middle names bc the middle names honor 1 person from each side of the families.

[Smithie]

I say stick to you guns, put it on the birth certificate exactly as you want it - and then watch the whole issue fade into obscurity because everybody is going to call your baby ItsName DadsLastName.

My dh and had a screaming fight about name changes on the steps of the Philadelphia courthouse, so I can relate. I wound up refusing to pay any $$ to change my name "officially", but getting it changed on my driver's license and just using his surname from then on (I was a student when we married and wanted my birth surname on my diploma, so didn't seek to change it until we were about to move out of state and get a mortgage together.)

FWIW, I think that if dh had to go back and do it again now (he was 20 y.o. then) he would not be so nutty about it. It's pretty obvious that I'm his wife, the name cue is really not necessary to most people. I suspect that your dh will have the same experience - in 10 years he'll look back and go "why did I think this would be confusing or a problem in any way?" It's worth railroading him now, because he is being totally unreasonable and it would be a huge hassle to undo the mistake once he chills out.