Help with 7 yr old

[CJ's mommy]

I feel like our whole family is out of control right now and I don't know how to turn it around. I have ds 7, dd 5, dd 2. There is too much yelling and conflict in our house right now. I guess if I start with ds, It might help the rest of us. He is in 1st grade and his social skills need work. He feels like I have him scheduled too much right now. I didn't think I did, but I will reevaluate his activities.

Bedtime really kills me. He feel like he doesn't have enough time to do what he wants, but if he got ready for bed quickly and didn't put up a fight he would have plenty of time.

This is what the nigh is usually like.
ds its time to put you pj's on.
ds its time to go put you pjs on
ds go put your pjs on
ds goes to his room.
please put you pjs on and come into bathroom
go check on him he is fooling with something in his room.
Help girls with teeth and 2yr old with pj's
check again has pj bottoms on
ds we need to brush teeth.
Finally puts pj's on.
Fools around while we help with his teeth.


We don't ask alot of them. How can I make this go better? What do I need to do to get them to listen?

I thought I did a good job of AP/ GD when they were little not so much now.

I will take what ever suggestions you have.

[Alyantavid]

My 7 year old does the exact same thing. Then when its 15 minutes past bedtime, he wants to read a book. I just tell him that we didn't have time, and tomorrow if he hurries and gets ready for bed the first time I ask, we'll have time.

That and I've moved bedtime prep time up earlier. So if he does mess around, he'll at least still be in bed on time.

[columbusmomma]

It is hard and can downright suck! We faced this issue but with more difficulty when DS was 5-6. He's now almost 7.
What worked for us is the same routine every night, which we still pretty much have even now.
After dinner there is time for play,movie,games,etc. and shower and snack before actually getting into bed. DS does whatever he is doing. Around 7:45 I announce that it's time for a shower(or pj's if he doesn't need to shower)and he has 5 minutes to finish doing whatever and then we are going up stairs to get ready. I used to set a timer when he was younger, now he just needs the verbal cue. When the 5 minutes is up we get ready for bed. Now that he is ready he knows that he can now watch some tv before bed and have a snack. These activities don't happen until he is ready. He then does the activity, usually with DH present b/c I am getting DD ready for bed. At 9:00 it is upstairs and into bed. He is given a 5 minute reminder at 8:55. Then it's upstairs for teeth and into bed. If he is resisting teeth I remind him that he is using up our backrub or storytime and that those activities will be eliminated or restricted if he doesn't get moving,lol!
I wonder if it would help if you brought the pj's into the bathroom while you are with the others that way he isn't distracted with things in his room? Also everyone could be getting ready together. You could make it into a game, pj's,teeth, etc. who can do it faster, who can sing the funniest song while dressing, etc.
I had also in the past used some sort of reward for getting ready with less then 3 reminders that DS picked. For example, dressed and ready for bed you can stay up 10 minutes extra, or I will read you one extra book if you are dressed and ready for bed by whatever time.
Of course I think what happened was DS finally just started putting two-and-two together that when it's bedtime, it's bedtime, and there is a routine and it needs to be done!
At times I let things go too, like as long as he had something on to keep warm in bed, it wouldn't have to be pj's. Or if I knew he wasn't going to want a bedtime snack had him brush teeth after dinner instead of waiting until right before bed.

[library lady]

How about letting him goof around while you get the little ones ready for bed. After that, go in and help him get himself together. I find that my 7 year old goofs off a lot to get my attention. Things are a lot easier when I try to build in some one on one time.

[bendingbirch]

Hi there, I have a seven year old as well, and I wrote this post on my blog about the seven year old: http://theparentingpassageway.com/20...even-year-old/

I think by reading "Your Seven Year Old" by the Gesell Institute folks, I have learned that seven year olds are extremely distractible and need very specific follow through with you physically there holding the space.

I try not to ask my seven year old to do much of anything important unless I can be there to sort of keep an eye on it. Less words, more action, more structuring things simply. We have actually given up bath time at bedtime because it was taking so long with dawdling, so perhaps consider simplifying your bedtime routine.

The other issue according to the Gesell Institute is that most seven year olds actually can get very, very fatigued. I don't know if your child goes to school or not, or what you all do in the afternoons, but many seven year olds I know go to bed around 7:30 or so....So, depending on what time you are starting all this bedtime routine, it may be starting at a point when he is really tired and just can't focus (or focuses even less than the normal distractible seven year old!)


I wrote another post on my blog somewhere recently about Kindness In Your Home. I think that is a big topic that deserves attention as well.

I know seven probably seems old to many people on this forum, but I am finding seven and eight to be still be pretty little and needing assistance with keeping things on track......

[Mizelenius]

Carrie, thank you. Your blog is very interesting!

[CJ's mommy]

Thanks every one for your replies. I really helps to know that we are not alone in this.

I Have a few new ideas to try now. I do realize that he is still a little guy, so maybe I do need to help him more. Maybe that would make it better for all of us.

Carrie, Thank you for the link to your blog. Your blog on the 7 year old was very helpful and the blog on Kindness in the Home gave me many thing to think about. I think we have some work to do to get us headed in the right direction again. Summer vacation is almost here so hopefully that will help also.

Erin

[Mizelenius]

Carrie-- just wanted to come back again and say I will be a regular reader of your blog. Already what I've read has helped me-- I think your idea of talking less is right on! I've done far more damage by what I've said than what I haven't . . .and the idea that 7 yos know much less than we think (or are not close to ready) is enlightening.

I spent the rest of the evening saying less and it was great! Less IS more!

[bendingbirch]

Oh, thanks you guys....I am really humbled that anything I write speaks to anyone, and I am so glad to have you all as readers I can share with. None of us should have to be alone as we walk down this path of gentle parenting, and it does get more complex as children grow...
Glad to have the support and kindred spirits here. Thank you again!

[Ruthla]

My 7yo often wants me to keep him company when he gets changed-both in the mornings and in the evenings. Maybe try telling him "it's time for pajamas now- do you want company or privacy while you change?" Trust me, it's easier to sit in the room with him for 5 minutes while he gets changed than to get angry and frustrated in the other room for 15-20 minutes while he ignores me. This way he gets positive attention for doing what he's supposed to be doing, and I'm right there with verbal reminders if he gets distracted halfway through the tasks.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

No real advice, but I can commiserate. Our house has nearly this exact problem. Bed time is a nightmare, and always has been. It just makes things so unpleasant. And at that time of night, not a one of us has any patience left - not the kids, not the adults. Both DH and I are so tired of having to ask them to do things (like get in the bathroom for toothbrushing) three times. We have the same routine every night - it isn't like it is a surprise that it is toothbrushing time.

After reading this thread, I may suggest to DH that we move story time to the very end of the night instead of doing it before brushing teeth. As it stands now, just getting the two of them in the bathroom to brush involves a chase and riles them up just in time for bed.