Naming an adopted baby - Page 2

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by Laurel

both of our children's birthmoms immediately wanted to know what names we had in mind.

Our baby's birthmom didn't see our baby or meet us until she was 3 days old. One of the first questions she asked us was what we named her. Someday, when it's appropriate, I should ask her if she called her anything. I know she talked to her while she was pregnant.

[Laurel]

DD's birthmom did not name her anything, but she was really anxious to know what we were naming her. She had just been calling her a term of affection (like "sweetie") in the hospital. The time around dd's placement was totally crazy because we only had 2 days' notice, my mil had just died (dd was born in the middle of mil's viewing). We were trying to balance all the funeral stuff, visiting with her birthmom, getting a few baby supplies, getting gifts for her birthmom... It was CRAZY! To think about names requires quiet time for reflection, and we sure didn't have any. Talk about naming under pressure! Our goal was to be able to tell her birthmom what her name was before placement, which was at 2 days' old. We did meet that goal, but it was quite a ride to figure it all out in the midst of that chaos. We'll definitely be thinking about names more this time around.

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

I changed dd's name completely. It was incredibly important to me that I be able to give her something of myself (she's named for my grandmother who was very very dear to me) since she already had a blood connection to my husband. I had always hoped to be able to give that name to my child, but never expected to have the opportunity. The naming issue, in fact, was one of the hardest things to let go when I thought that I'd never have a child, and so, in a way, her coming to us allowed me to close that door that had been so sad for me for a very long time. I understand that it's not all about me, but the naming gave me some of the tools that I needed to be able to really connect with her. Her middle name is a name that I never thought of before - it just reflects something of the way that dh and I feel about her and the advent of her into our lives. It's also what she identifies mostly as her name (I call her by her first and middle name, 'cause I'm Southern ).

I truly think that the identity issue can have a flipside from what some people reference when they say that a child's birthname is their identity. In dh's and my view, she has, in a lot of ways, a new identity as a part of our family. Something is, fundamentally, changed in the act of adoption. And because the tradition of naming goes hand in hand with the notion of ownership/kinship, we made the decision to include that as part of the process.

Also, I just hated her name - hated it. We did it gradually by shortening her original name and then giving her a new nickname from the name we'd chosen that really sounded a lot like the first nickname (does that make sense?). The interesting thing about it was that she had never, ever, self-identified at all until she had her new name. And now she is very adamant about it - tells everyone, unsolicited, what her name is.

As to preserving a record of that first identity, that other name, I agree from the depths of my heart. It is why I would never destroy or hide her original birth certificate. Her first name is a part of her identity, and I don't want to take anything away from the importance of it as a thread that ties her to her birthmother. She will always know that we changed her name (well, at least she'll know when she starts being able to process that) and I am fully prepared for that day that may come when she asks to "go back." I'm not sure how we'll handle that, but I do know that we'll work through it as honestly and sensitively as we can.

[hi_abbott]

I am planning on having a couple of ideas in advance and see what feels right when the time comes. All will have some connection to both my husband and myself because I think that this is important. I feel that the link of names to a family can be even more powerful than a bond of blood connection.

My story is that I was nameless for 5 weeks. My temporary foster family called me Rosie, just so they could call me something. My parents still joke about that. I am a product of closed adoption with no desire of finding that past. My brother and sister are both adopted as well, but adopted as older children. My brother had a strange name to begin with, and his bio family just called him Buddy. His name started with a B, so my parents changed his name to Bruce. It fit him much better than his strange name. I believe they kept his middle name, but I was a kid when I last asked. My sister also had a strange name (at least for the midwest in the late '70s). They changed it to Ashley, which didn't become popular for quite some time. My brother was 2 when his name was changed, and my sister was 4 almost 5.

Neither has had a problem. My brother was not even used to his original name, as his family called him Buddy. My parents continued calling him Buddy for quite some time. The transition was smooth. My sister's name was similar to her original name, and yet still unique enough at the time that she was always upset that she couldn't get those silly personalized items.

[karne]

The naming of our first child was really a momentous step for us. DD's birthmother wanted us to choose, we wanted her to have some say...it all went around for a while as we were ultra polite about it. Finally I was able to say that I cherished a family name and we were all in love with it as we talked it over. The most wonderful piece was that as dd was born, the ob asked "what is the name of this child?" in a most loving way, and birthmom spoke our dd's name to her. She was the first to call her by her name and it's meant so much to us and dd over time. We tell the story so often. I still cry thinking about it.

[Marimami]

Mine is a long story so I won't go into all the details, but the very night that DH and I decided we were going to go forward with a Guatemalan adoption, I had a dream that our daughter's name would be "Marisol". It was so strong and vivid and I even sent DH an email about it in the middle of the night just so we had a record of it.

I then also realized that for years I had dreamt about mothering a little girl named "Mari". I saw visions of being her mother for so many years that I had almost forgotten about them. That sounds weird but they were so much a part of me that I didn't even think about them.

My family has a tendency to name girls with names that end in the short e sound, like mine is Holli, sisters are Tami, Lori, Vicki, niece is Keri, etc. Even on DH's side his sister I am closest to is Katie, etc.

So, imagine how we felt when we received a phone call for a referral of a little girl named Wendy Marisol. Her birth mother named her in Guatemala with such an American name! There was no doubt in my mind that she was our daughter. (This is the abbreviated version, and our longer story involves the loss of a previous referral, etc.)

We never considered changing her name because it was so clear to me that it was her name. But, we felt that Wendy + our last name was too anglo sounding for her. So, we have called her "Mari" as a nickname for "Marisol" since she came home at 7 months. Her foster family in Guatemala still call her Wendy, and I get a little kick out of thinking that her Guatemalan family uses her anglo name and we use her Spanish one.

I was never one to choose names ahead of time, though. It was more important to me that the names "came to me" when the child did. I can't explain it at any logical level. It was a spiritual thing for me.
Holli

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by Marimami

Mine is a long story so I won't go into all the details, but the very night that DH and I decided we were going to go forward with a Guatemalan adoption, I had a dream that our daughter's name would be "Marisol". It was so strong and vivid and I even sent DH an email about it in the middle of the night just so we had a record of it.

I then also realized that for years I had dreamt about mothering a little girl named "Mari". I saw visions of being her mother for so many years that I had almost forgotten about them. That sounds weird but they were so much a part of me that I didn't even think about them.

My family has a tendency to name girls with names that end in the short e sound, like mine is Holli, sisters are Tami, Lori, Vicki, niece is Keri, etc. Even on DH's side his sister I am closest to is Katie, etc.

So, imagine how we felt when we received a phone call for a referral of a little girl named Wendy Marisol. Her birth mother named her in Guatemala with such an American name! There was no doubt in my mind that she was our daughter. (This is the abbreviated version, and our longer story involves the loss of a previous referral, etc.)

We never considered changing her name because it was so clear to me that it was her name. But, we felt that Wendy + our last name was too anglo sounding for her. So, we have called her "Mari" as a nickname for "Marisol" since she came home at 7 months. Her foster family in Guatemala still call her Wendy, and I get a little kick out of thinking that her Guatemalan family uses her anglo name and we use her Spanish one.

I was never one to choose names ahead of time, though. It was more important to me that the names "came to me" when the child did. I can't explain it at any logical level. It was a spiritual thing for me.
Holli

A lot of Latino kids here are given American-type names. I don't know her birth story, but if her birth mother knew that her daughter would be internationally adopted, it doesn't surprise me that she was given an American name.

I've met Mari (and your DH) at a park playdate. It's nice to have the story of how she got her name.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by AndVeeGeeMakes3

As to preserving a record of that first identity, that other name, I agree from the depths of my heart. It is why I would never destroy or hide her original birth certificate. Her first name is a part of her identity, and I don't want to take anything away from the importance of it as a thread that ties her to her birthmother. She will always know that we changed her name (well, at least she'll know when she starts being able to process that) and I am fully prepared for that day that may come when she asks to "go back." I'm not sure how we'll handle that, but I do know that we'll work through it as honestly and sensitively as we can.

This is how i feel. Not to discount anyone's experience at all...but i do wonder, when adoptees have issues with having been renamed, how much a part of that pain or feeling like they lost part of themselves, is any secrecy around that decision, and also their APs reaction to the situation. It seems to me like there would be a BIG difference in adjustment, in always knowing what your birthname was and finding out when you are 12 or 18 or 30 that you "used to be" or "were meant to be" someone else. And also, how a parent handles it if the child wants to go back to their "old" name.

Right before finalization, i needed to get an updated physical for Keegan, and so went to an urgent care clinic so we could get it asap, as they wouldnt finalize w/o it. I told the nurse who was examining him that his medical paperwork had the name "D" but we've named him "K"...she said "well....hmmm....maybe you should think about about keeping "D" as a middle name, at least....just so he'll know....." I was of course offended that this complete stranger was giving me input on naming *my* child, and also it was presumptious that she thought i hadnt actually considered keeping part of his name, or the reasons why i was not, or that we had been calling him "K" for months at that point (and also, all the legal paperwork had been filled out and it would have been a huge hassle to change it)....but the thing that struck me most was that she said "so he'll know..."....as if he had to have that name as part of his legal name in order to know it, or not "lose" it.

I have kept everything that had his first name on it, from the hospital discharge papers to the foster care paperwork, to the diaper cream they gave him in the hospital with his name on it. They gave me a copy of his original BC at finalization, which has not only his birth name but his mother's name as well. He will *always* know what name he came with , and the story of why and how we changed it. If/when he ever meets his first mother, he can ask her why she gave the name she did, if he was named for anyone, etc (and if i can get that info for him earlier i will)....if when he is growing up he wants to "try out" part of his birthname, sure, thats fine. I doubt i'd help him legally change it until he was either an adult or unless he wanted to go by that name for years or something. My son's father goes by a nickname unrelated to his given name, he named himself at 17 yrs old (no one in his family is willing to call him this name, which is weird i think)...and has used that name for over 20 years even though legally when he signs stuff he goes by his given name.

To me, being open and honest is the most important thing, and in the case of older kids also making them a part of the process. I know lots of people online who have changed their older kids names, and the kids are excited and insist on using the new names, and see it as a new beginning. And i also know people who wanted to change their kid's name, but the kid refused, so they didnt or came up with some compromise (using a nickname or something).


Katherine

[Marimami]

Originally Posted by Polliwog

A lot of Latino kids here are given American-type names. I don't know her birth story, but if her birth mother knew that her daughter would be internationally adopted, it doesn't surprise me that she was given an American name.

I've met Mari (and your DH) at a park playdate. It's nice to have the story of how she got her name.

Yes! Liam mentioned that he had met you! I hope to meet you and the kiddos one day. I work full time so he gets to do all the fun stuff. That's why I was trying to get folks interested in a weekend playdate but it didn't seem to gather much interest.

The story of why she chose that name is a bit fuzzy. We had some more details from our lawyer but it wasn't very clear. But, yes, some do choose American-sounding names for that reason!

Holli

[Masel]

We've known our daughter's birthfamily for a long time and fortunately we come from similar naming traditions. DD's first and middle names fit in with their other children's names and honor dear relatives in both DH's and my families. The birthmom offered to put our last name on the birthcertificate but we declined. I like that there is that paper trail.

My friend adopted her cousin's two kids and the daughter (2.5 at the time) had what could be called a stripper name. My friend changed the name with no qualms. The little brother still calls her that sometimes and it is very jarring to hear that word from a small boy.

The adoptivefamiles Yahoo group recently had a facinating discussion on naming. It really opened my eyes. Sometimes a name can really be a brand and I think it is good to be openminded about this.

[EmilyVorpe]

[QUOTE=Polliwog;13721600]

If I get to adopt Polliwog (we'll know more on Tuesday,) I'd planned on changing the spelling of her first name to match it's pronunciation (which isn't even close) and giving her a middle name (since as far as I know, it's just an initial.) BUT... it doesn't roll off of my tongue. It's got a "V" in the middle and it's hard for me to say clearly (probably a speech or dental related thing, I'm not sure which.) So, while the adjusted spelling looks beautiful and even sounds nice, I'm not sure I could keep it. After all, a parent should be able to easily say her child's name. So, I may end up moving it to her middle name and giving her a new first name.QUOTE]

I've read some of your posts before...wondering how you actually pronounce her name if its not said as written. Jut been wondering....

[Polliwog]

Polliwog isn't her real name (in case you didn't know, it's hard to read tone) and her real name is spelled one way but pronounced another. Well actually, the last half is pronounced conventionally but the first syllable isn't. Hard to explain.

[moondiapers]

Is it a Gaelic name? I recently had a child interview for my daycare and her name was Soiban....now if I look at it I want to say "soy ban"....but it's supposed to be pronounced Shavaughn.

[AllyRae]

We had most of our daughter's name picked out, but we always said we'd use her Vietnamese name as her 2nd middle name. She didn't come to us with a name from her birthparents (well, she did, I'm sure, but there was no record of that name). The name she did have was given by the police officer that found her, and it was the Vietnamese version of "Jane Doe". So, I don't feel bad at all for having her name changed, but in the future, if she'd like to re-take on that name, she is free to have her name changed and we won't mind a bit.

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

Is it a Gaelic name? I recently had a child interview for my daycare and her name was Soiban....now if I look at it I want to say "soy ban"....but it's supposed to be pronounced Shavaughn.

Nope. Her mother is developmentally delayed (among other challenges) and we think she either spelled it the way she thought it should be spelled or the hospital spelled it wrong and she didn't correct them.

[heatherdeg]

Haven't read all of the posts, but even with bio children--some parents pick a name before the birth and that's "the name" where others HAVE to see the child to be sure the name "fits". I think adoptive parents are very similar (at least with young children).

For us, we have to see the child. We get it down to the one we really want, but we have to actually see the child before it's final--and we know it.

That being said, we've only been through this twice. Ds' name was HARD because it seemed dh and I could only possibly agree on one name and we struggled with it all the way through. It had been "the name" for years--so nothing else sounded right. But we got a 4-D u/s and suddenly I was willing to consider a name that was completely out of the question before. But he was born and sure enough, he has "thee name".

Our stbad was given up at birth and mom wanted no part of naming her--so legally, her first name is "BabyGirl". We had 3 names picked out when we went to see her. One was tossed immediately upon seeing her (she had a very clearly ethnic look about her and it was a very WASPy name) and it was a coin toss between the other two--so we let our son pick it.

But yeah--had to see them first.

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by Polliwog

If I get to adopt Polliwog (we'll know more on Tuesday,) I'd planned on changing the spelling of her first name to match it's pronunciation (which isn't even close) and giving her a middle name (since as far as I know, it's just an initial.) BUT... it doesn't roll off of my tongue. It's got a "V" in the middle and it's hard for me to say clearly (probably a speech or dental related thing, I'm not sure which.) So, while the adjusted spelling looks beautiful and even sounds nice, I'm not sure I could keep it. After all, a parent should be able to easily say her child's name. So, I may end up moving it to her middle name and giving her a new first name.

Awwww... but if you kept it and corrected the spelling, she and BabyGirl's real names would rhyme!

Okay, okay... didn't mean to make light of a serious subject. I know this has been a hard decision for you. And really, I respect that it's a child's name and they should be entitled to it; but I also respect the idea that they are now part of your family and you as a parent should be able to name her as YOUR child vs. the name she was given.

Of course, I would be equally torn if BabyGirl had actually been given a name. And if Cookie comes back permanently--yeah, I'm going to be going through the same tug-of-war (although I CAN SAY her name).

[Momily]

I just posted about DS's story so I won't repeat it.

It bothers me, probably disproportionately, when parents name children who are not yet theirs. I don't mean that it bothers me when parents say "If we are able to adopt a boy we'll name him Hugh Jr." but when they refer to a child by the name they intend to bestow.

To me, until they're either in your arms, or you're finalized (if you're adopting internationally and that comes first) they're still someone else's child. Calling them by their future name seems like another form of subtle pressure.

So, no "waiting for Suzie" type blogs, no referring to a baby by the name you hope to bestow when you're talking to a pregnant mama.

The best way I can describe how it creeps me out, is it's the same way I'd feel if my young teenager was dating guy who insisted on calling her by his last name, because after all one day they'd be married and that would be her name. It's just creepy, controlling, and not respecting who the person is at that time.

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

Originally Posted by Momily

It bothers me, probably disproportionately, when parents name children who are not yet theirs. I don't mean that it bothers me when parents say "If we are able to adopt a boy we'll name him Hugh Jr." but when they refer to a child by the name they intend to bestow.
. . . . . when you're talking to a pregnant mama.

I get that it would be really insensitive to, unless invited to, call an unborn child a name to/in front of an expectant mom. But I don't think there's anything wrong with holding on to and, even, using a name as part of the "concept" of the child for which you are hoping. There are so few things that feel "real" about being an expectant adoptive parent that I think having that one concrete thing that's "in your control"** could be really important.



** insofar as ANYTHING is in your control.

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by AndVeeGeeMakes3

I get that it would be really insensitive to, unless invited to, call an unborn child a name to/in front of an expectant mom. But I don't think there's anything wrong with holding on to and, even, using a name as part of the "concept" of the child for which you are hoping. There are so few things that feel "real" about being an expectant adoptive parent that I think having that one concrete thing that's "in your control"** could be really important.



** insofar as ANYTHING is in your control.

Okay... I'm an adoptive parent (although we're awaiting finalization--which SHOULD have been next week. She is already legally free and in our custody) and a bio parent. But as a bio parent, my pregnancy was such that we really spent the ENTIRE thing not knowing if that pregnancy would result in a child. U/s's every 2 weeks to even see if he was still alive--it was that serious.

At 14 weeks, we found out our bio's gender (since we're really of the ilk that needs to see them for naming purposes--I have no problem with people who aren't like this, it's just not us). People gave us a lot of crap for that (we have a lot of family that don't find out). But the bold portion up there really rings true for people who have no idea if and when they're having a child: you want something to cling to and make them "real". Something to connect. Something to create what would be in utero bonding on your parenting behalf.

But I do agree that perhaps making that a public thing could be insensitive--especially if there is no child that is already legally free and promised (by contract) to you. I have a bigger problem if that child is in a fost-adopt situation and is not already TPR'd and has an adoptive contract with the people calling them by that name. Too much can go wrong.

We had a potential fost-adopt situation and hated the name (at the time). We gave that child a nickname that we would be happy with for life. And in all fairness, the child's name was very unique and the mother's job dealt with the public and we were in the same county--so on some level, it DID protect mom's privacy. But we'd have done it any way because all of our kids (bio, foster, adoptive, furry) have nicknames.