Naming an adopted baby - Page 3

[Momily]

Just to clarify, I'm an adoptive parent, I totally get the desire for control.

I don't mean that parents shouldn't think about names or decide on names. I have always known that if I ever adopt or give birth to a little girl one of her names will be my mom's.

But there's a difference, I guess, in my mind between deciding on a name, and saying things like "if I ever have a little Mary, this will be her bedroom", or "I hope that this child will become our Mary" and using that name to refer to a specific child who has another name and another family, and who is not yet yours.

So, while I might know that if I adopt Lisa's baby I will rename her Mary, in speech and on the internet and probably internally I'd continue to refer to her as "Lisa's baby" or whatever name that Lisa has called her, until she's mine either legally or because I am parenting her (we went 4 years between first mom signing relinquishment and finalization, and I did call my child by his new name for all of those 4 years).

[RedOakMomma]

I think it's okay if you have a name in your heart or something that's kept between you and your partner or close family, but yeah....telling an expectant mom what HER child's name will be when (if) you adopt? Creepy and rude. That's a lot of assumption and pressure placed on a woman in an already vulnerable position.

I've only met one foster family that creeped me out that way...they started calling a child by a different name because they planned to adopt him. In my mind, it was way too early to assume adoption (still early in the process), and changing names and assuming adoption was potentially very confusing and damaging for this little boy.

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

way too early to assume adoption (still early in the process), and changing names and assuming adoption was potentially very confusing and damaging for this little boy.

Yeah. We did not start "the change" until we had already filed all of the paperwork toward adoption and it was clear that it would be finalized (about a year after she came to us). She wasn't having any contact at all with bmom either, so I think that made things different than if we were calling her that while her birthmom (at that point still legally her mother, though without visitation) was calling her the other name.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by Momily

To me, until they're either in your arms, or you're finalized (if you're adopting internationally and that comes first) they're still someone else's child. Calling them by their future name seems like another form of subtle pressure.

for like the first six months of my son's life, when he was still a foster child, we called him mostly "Baby". There was a high probability of being able to adopt, and yet he was not yet adopted. TPR occurred at four months and sometime in the next month or so I started calling him by the name we chose for him. I had to call him *something* other than "baby", and there wasnt a real point in calling him by his birthname since i knew i'd be changing it. From the time TPR took place, and finalization was about seven months. I dont see a problem in calling him our chosen name before finalization, since i knew almost certainly i'd be adopting. However, to avoid any weirdness or controversy, i did use him birthname in contact w/ the social workers or agencies, since that was still his legal name.

I think it also really depends on how much contact there is with the birthparent/family...my current foster daughter has a name i like very much, but if it was something i really hated, or was totally inappropriate, i think i'd come up with a related nickname or something generic ("Sissy" "missy" that sort of thing)...as she is still very much a foster child at this point (even though its been almost six weeks and no one has heard from her mom. ) But if her goal changed to TPR, no family stepped forward to take her, and the agency told me i would most likely get to adopt, i dont really see a problem in starting to get her used to a new name (though, as i said, in her case i wouldnt change it, i dont think.) If you wait until finalization, that could be a year or longer for some families. I also think the older the child is, the more you have to tread carefully, because you do want to make sure everything is certain before doing something as life changing as a name change. But i dont think it would have served my son well to wait until he was 11 months old to start calling him by name.

With domestic infant adoption...i can see how it might be weird to be calling what is essentially someone else's baby(before its born) by your chosen name, as if the baby is "yours"...but i also think that many parents are talking in the abstract...*that* baby is "Susie"...but maybe they would keep the name for the next baby, if the first adoption fell through, too. So "Susie" is simply the baby they will eventually adopt, if not now, then another time. Although, part of me gets a little weirded out by naming fetuses before they are even born (not naming them to yourself, but...like saying "Susie was being very active today!" or introducing yourself to someone, patting your belly and saying "And this is Susie, she's due next month")...i dont know why that weirds me out, but it does.


Katherine

[tiffani]

we are aware of the little person we are hoping to adopt, and she has a beautiful name, but it rhymes with ds's name and it's really hard to say the two names together. Her (now deceased) mama's name is a name I have always loved, and I would like to make that her first name, and keep her original first name as her middle name. If we do this, her name will also be very similar to my dd's name (similar in 'type' of name for first name, almost identical names for middle names) and it just feels more cohesive and inclusive and planned and family-ish with the name shift. at the same time, she's going to be almost two when I first meet her, so if we do decide that it would be ok to shift her names around, we'll probably use both for a while and slowly use the new first name more than the original. Unless of course it just doesn't seem like a good idea once I meet her, then we'll just leave her very cute name as is...

[Thandiwe]

I haven't read all the other responses yet, but here's my two cents.

*If* we're blessed enough to adopt our dfd, who's almost 1 yo, would be moving to trial late summer/early fall, I would keep her first name and change the middle and last. I wish I could say it was out of respect for the bio family, but honestly, it's more out of respect for her. In our case, I've been able to supply a decent amount of information regarding the instability of the bio parents to DHS. When the time comes, I will have to be open with my dfd and clearly explain all that has happened. In some ways, this has divided our friendship (bio mom and I - fictive kin placement). I guess I feel like baby will wake up one day and suddenly feel like, "Why were you trying to change everything about me? Why did you feel my parent's name for me wasn't good enough?" I don't want her to feel angry and confused, lost in her identity. I *do* want her to feel a connection to her mom when she grows older. As for the immediate future, she truly *is* her name. We have a stocking embroidered with her name, a plaque on the nursery wall with her name, and stuff stashed in her baby box with her name. How could I change it and erase all that history? As it is, we call her a shortened version of her longer (very beautiful) name, so we'll continue. As for the last name, if we are blessed enough to adopt her, we will change it. I struggle with this part, because her mother named her middle name to be a version of her own name (the mother's). But for that very reason, I feel like I want a change. She's very possessive over this baby, and I feel like having to say that name all the time will only return me emotionally to that over and over again. Besides, I feel she has been brought to us by the "Grace" of God anyways...so Grace would become a new middle name if we reach that stage.

This is a very difficult topic, and one that I think deserves case-by-case examination. No one answer is right in each situation.

[akingme]

Wow, this thread has really made me think....I have an open adoption and it is a wonderful open adoption. We are very lucky. My sweet birthmom said that she wanted me to name the baby, but I did run the choices by her, but she DID want the baby to have her last name on the birth certificate, which was fine with me. I like the fact that the name he was born with with half contributed by me and half by her....I wonder if I should have pushed her more to contribute a name....well, I was very uncertain in the hospital, between two names, she preferred the name I didn't choose, but she was fine with it and loves his name now. I was lucky to get a crisp, clear color copy of his original birth certificate from the social worker that did our post adoption home study. I only  had two months to prepare, so we did it afterward....anyway, I now have that AND the new one. i wish we were able to keep his old birth certificate. I don't really get the idea of him having a new birth certificate, like we're wiping away his past, but it's the law and we needed it to get a social security card and passport. So he will have both in his box and will see both. His first name is, totally coincidentally, the same letter as his birth mom

and though it had nothing to do with my choice, I wonder, ina way, if I wasn't influenced by that. I think it's neat. 

[Whistler]

Since I was the OP on this thread, I ought to go ahead and tell what ended up happening with Baby Bear's name as it is a really cool story.  Like I said on the OP we strongly considered letting his birth mom name him.  When we met her the first time before he was born, we found out that it was in fact really meaningful to her that she get to name him.  And then the name she picked happened to be a nice first name, combined with Hubby's own middle name (total coincidence)!  So she followed the pattern we already had set up with the other kids of using a family name for the middle.  It was so coll how it ended up working out!  is name is meaningful within our family AND it is special because she chose it for him.

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

Originally Posted by MPJJJ 

Originally Posted by Calee

I have met so many birthmoms who were extremely grieved to learn that their child's name had been changed. Sure, it is an adoptive parents "right" to change the name, but it still hurt immensly. It was one gift they felt they could give their child, and it was taken away.

I have heard similar stories from adoptees. Even those in non-open adoptions. That they felt that part of their identity had been taken away-that one of the only things that their first parents could/did give them had been taken.

Unless the adoption happens because of neglect or abuse. I still have the name my Bowel Movement of a Birth Mother gave me, and I do not have the hundreds of dollars it will cost to have it changed, so I have been stuck with it for 20 some years... and I HATE it.

This woman almost killed me due to her careless and stupidity, and my adoptive parents thought I should keep the name I had come to know... (I was a year old), so instead of giving me a new name that meant something to them, I was cursed with keeping the name that meant something to HER. Most foster children want a new name with their new family. Adoption isn't always this beautiful thing where children actually want connection to their biological families. Keep that in mind.

This is a major reason why we did change VeeGee's name.  I wanted to give her a new start.  And, because, biologically, she is related to my husband, I wanted/needed to give her something from my side of the family.  So, she has my grandmother's name.  And she actually never self-identified until she had a new name.  Now, you can't even call her cute without her saying, "I'm not cute, I'm VeeGee!!!"

I guess the point is that there are different paths for every family.  Going into ANY situation, but adoption particularly, thinking things are iron clad, is dangerous, and sometimes heartbreaking.