Lying and Stealing

[VroomieMama]

My 6 yo dd has the habit of lying and stealing. She lies about a lot of things for example, she would tell me that she was a good girl at school and the teacher gave her candies for good behaviors and I would praise her and told her that I was proud of her. Then when its time for her to do her homework, I open her folder and see that there is a red marking in the calendar inside her folder, red for hitting student. I would ask her to explain to me why she got red, then she would say, I don't know then I would tell her that the teacher said you were hitting somebody in your class, then she said, no the other girl did hit someone else not me but teacher said I did but I did not! This happened a lot.

And my friend was babysitting her last Saturday evening so I could recover from my c-section of my twins, my dd stole some of her jewerlies and 3 dollars from her jewerly box. I told my dd that stealing is wrong and that she would have to give it back to her, and she said, no she gave it to me (she didn't know I already asked my friend if those jewerly belonged to her.. she said yes and that she was missing 3 dollars from her jewerly box) and I told my dd that stealing and lying about it is wrong. I had my dd mail these back to my friend.

I have talked to her counselor about this and I know its going to take some time for this habit to stop but I'm desperate for this habit to stop sooner.

Anyone have any idea or tips on what I can do to help her to realize that these two habits are unacceptable anywhere.

[GuildJenn]

Although I think you are absolutely right to be working with her on it, it is good to remember that lying is common at this age, and stealing is not unheard of either.

A lot of the lying is about a) "magical thinking" - thinking that if you say it is true, it is true. So one thing that might help is to reframe her statements like "I have blue hair" and you nod and say, "You definitely WISH you had blue hair." b) it is also a stage of moral development where she is testing how the rules around lying really work. For this I think probably the best thing is if you can't reframe, just to say "I'm afraid I can't agree with you there" and move on. Just feeling your firmness about it may help a lot.

Also, of course, try not to put her in a position where she feels she needs to lie. If you know something for a fact, don't ask her. Just tell her. "I see you took this from your friend. It needs to be returned." Don't ask "Did you take that?" if you know the answer.

For stealing I think your response was wonderful.

[Marsupialmom]

I agree don't set your child up for lying.

I think she might be doing a little praise seeking for attention. She new she didn't behave and got a read mark. She came out of school trying to gain your favor so when you see it you wouldn't love her less. With the new babies she might be feeling left out and unloved.

Also, don't necessarily expect her to remember all her school day. If she hit little Jimmy at 8 it has left her mind with everything else that happen. Also she might have gotten candy for being good later in the day or before hitting incident. Talk to the teacher for more details. It could fall into majical thinking like the other poster said.

Is she hitting alot? Or was this one day example? Is she having problems with the same kid in class. If so then there might be other issues that you need to work on.

Ask her what positive things she did today. Ask if if there are negative things/or things she needs to work on. Give examples of things to her that applies to you but don't mention the babies. I did this good today but I didn't do this well. I have times told my children I haven't hugged them enough then do play hugging and touching to make them giggle and fill up their love tanks.

[Materfamilias]

We've had a lot of issues around this with my 6 yo ds. He's in k-garten this year.
I have to say, I have struggled a lot with this, but I have come to some conclusions.
Can I just say I HATE those behavior charts. My ds has them too and the whole day becomes that one instant where he lost his composure for a minute or he was goofing off instead of "working" : His entire day could have been great but then that note makes it all about the "bad" behavior. I have asked him many times when he got the note to tell me about it without telling him what the note said and every.single.time he has NO clue what he did wrong.
I used to think he was lying. Now I think he 1) really doesn't remember or 2) is engaging in wishful rewriting of the situation or 3) he is scared of telling me what really happened or 4) the teacher was totally ineffective in letting him know when he was out of line. I think it's honestly been 1 and 4 more than anything, but focusing on this has really messed up our relationship this year. I have let it become the focus, true, but it's also the focus of school -- so we're outa there. 'Nother post

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by Materfamilias

... focusing on this has really messed up our relationship this year. I have let it become the focus, true, but it's also the focus of school -- so we're outa there. 'Nother post

I've seen behavior charts work well only once. In that case the kid was a big fan of video games and besides losing points for causing disruptions, he could also earn points back by doing things. So for him he really enjoyed it because it gave him rules to "play" by. They tried some other stuff, but for him that really resonated and made him both willing and more able to use self-control.

[OGirlieMama]

I don't really have advice on what to do, but I want to offer up that I had a lying and stealing habit at 6, too. I stole some little Hello Kitty colored pencils (tiny ones - like the size of a fat toothpick) from the store and when my Mom noticed them I told her my friend Deanna had given them to me. I grew up to be a painfully honest and ethical adult. So there's hope for your daughter.

[VroomieMama]

: I hope it is just a phase. : Because, my neighbor babysat my dd yesterday all day and took her to visit her granddaughter, JD, so my dd could play with her. When my DD came home, my neighbor gave me a bag and told me that JD gave my dd some clothes, toys and etc. I was touched because I thought that little girl was so thoughtful. Later on, my DD took Hannah Montana make up set out of her pocket and told me that JD gave it to her and I was puzzled why it was not in the bag so I asked her, "are you sure you didn't take it from her without her permission" and she said "no." then I said "Do you want me to go downstairs and to ask Vicki to call JD to check if she had gave you those." She got upset and said "No" then this morning, I went downstairs and asked my neighbor if her grand daughter had gave my DD those stuff and she said that JD wouldn't give those away because it has been used and JD knows better not to give away used make ups because her germs are in it and wouldn't want to infect another person with used make ups. My neighbor told my dd that she was disappointed with her for lying to me and taking JD's stuff without her permission. My dd apologized to her.

[foreverinbluejeans]

You just had a C-section and gave birth to twins. Right now your family is in survival mode. If the worst that happens is your daughter misremembers/lies and takes some things she wants/steals then things are probably not too bad. Everyone is OK.

I became very ill when I was pregnant with my third son and my husband left us. A friend took care of my 5 and 8 year old while I was in and out of the hospital after school and then their father (my first husband) and their step-mother stayed in our house with them. We had to work out some unusual ways to make it through 6 months of difficult times.

The story we remember most was the Sand Castle. Joe, 5 years old, built a great sand castle at my friend's house. This 'bad' kid she took care of said he was going to knock it down. Ben, 8, said 'don't mess with Joe's castle.' He destroyed the castle. Ben hit him, hard. My friend didn't know what to do. She made Ben sit in the corner for like one minute. Ben did a bad thing but she knew it was because I was in the hospital and the other kid was a bad kid and was always doing bad stuff to everyone.

Just because Ben hit the kid doesn't mean he was a hitter or a bad kid. He was under stress and in a bad situation. Be careful not to give your child a label. Even if your child seems to tell a lie it doesn't make the child a liar.

[momofpddnos]

My son is 6 and was just diagnosed with PDD-NOS two weeks ago. Obsessions, perseverating, deceptive behavior, lying, stealing and hitting are just a few symptoms that are prevalent.  There were OCD and anxiety signs as far back as when he was 2 1/2.  At the age of 3 1/2 my DH and I started seeing a child psych to learn how to parent our "spirited" child. The fact that he was, and is, academically advanced didn't help in raising red flags to his teachers.  Red flags are only raised when the child's learning is being impeded.  We were always putting out fires.  This past summer he started having facial and auditory/verbal tics.  They moved in stages.  His obsessions are in stages too.  A few days, weeks or months, then he moves on to the next obsession.  Ignorance is bliss, but in our case we were judged as lackadaisical parents and our child was always "misbehaving".  He has little self-control and is extremely impulsive.  We finally have a diagnosis and will begin all of the therapies that will help him.  Some phases are just that, but look it up to be sure.  There are different intensity levels for each phase and bundled with other "phases" (symptoms) makes a difference.  Education is freedom.  I felt like a prisoner before, now I am free.  Good luck.