Acceptable ways to express anger - for adults

[flower01]

The other thread is really great...but, I need it for me. Seriously, I have a real problem with anger...growing up anger resulted in screaming, door-slamming, throwing things, and ultimately the silent treatment. I hated seeing it as a kid/teen...but now as an adult, I have no recourse than what I've learned. I am more in control than my mom was - I don't break things, but I'll throw something like a stuffed animal or a piece of clothing that's nearby. But, I still don't really feel like that's the healthiest choice - nor do i want my 2 year old to feel like I'm not respecting her stuff (the stuffed animal). I am going to therapy now...but we haven't started working on this yet. I need some tools... I definitely feel like I need a physical release...and I really don't want to yell - it only makes me feel worse. So what do you do?

...I feel like this is appropriate in this forum because I think it relates to the other one & because most of my need to control my anger has to do with discipline...or just realizing that I shouldn't be angry at my 2 year old.

[SunShineSally]

Did you ever do a mommy time out? They really do help. I have had anger issues also but I hold them in or I burst one or the other. Before Ds I did take a time out from the issue and with him I do do that once in a while mostly when he was your Dc's age that was a tough age with the time out I give myself I think to myself about what it is it that is makeing me feel this way? What can I do to change it? is it as bad as I am makeing it? and as I do this I close my eyes and breathe slowly. It took me years to perfect this it is sooooo hard but well worth it for me to do. i do do the siltent treatment with STBDH when really mad I do that instead of yelling he is good and knows to leave me alone and not to talk or touch me when really angery

I hope that helps

[proudmomof4]

How wonderful that you are working on becoming the parent you want to be! I can so relate to you...
I agree with the pp and would like to add from my experience that the often cited "ounce of prevention"... you get the idea. Taking care of yourself is very important (and there is probably not one parent on this forum who doesn't need to hear this): stay rested as far as you can in your current situation, stay hydrated, watch your nutrition, get out of the house, get exercise (walk, dance with your toddler, whatever works for you).
You are not alone with this!

[my3peanuts]

I can very much relate and look forward to hearing others suggestions.

[Aubergine68]

Originally Posted by flower01

I need some tools... I definitely feel like I need a physical release...and I really don't want to yell - it only makes me feel worse. So what do you do?

I try to recognize the anger coming before it is full-blown and say what I am feeling out loud (trying not to yell). "I am so frustrated because this is the fourth time that I have swept up a bunch of cheerios off the floor in the past hour. I need your help cleaning that up and I need to take a moment and put the box back in the cupboard!!" [even a toddler can run for a dustpan or get down to help pick up]

I attended a childcare providers conference session on anger management just last weekend for kids and adults who care for them that had some interesting information/strategies.

One thing the presenter said was that anger is a secondary emotion -- you start out feeling something else -- a primary emotion like frustration, betrayal, envy, disappointment, etc. and if you can recognize and name and deal with that feeling, you won't progress to anger in the first place.

Still processing that idea but it makes sense. So, what I'm trying to do is recognize and validate and deal with the primary emotions *before* they morph into anger.

I also do try to model saying "I need a break" when my emotions start going and taking one, even just sitting down on the couch in the same room for a moment. And whatever I can figure out that is ok for children to express anger in my home, is going to be an option for me, too.

[dflanag2]

ME too, because I've try to walk away/mommy time out sometimes when I am ticked and my kids FOLLOW ME. The other day I tried to close the bathroom door and lock it, and DS kept turning the doorknob (while throwing a screaming fit) so I couldn't get away from him.

:

Mostly what I do is try to diffuse. Make the confrontations into silliness, hugging, etc. Good rest, perspective, and lots of self-care help with this. I agressively tickle/tackle him (He's 4 years old and 50 lbs, I don't hurt him), I try to make him laugh because if he just stops screeching, it helps quite a bit. With hugging, I can squeeze him tightly and let the agression out that way. Sometimes I carry him around like a baby, holding him close, maybe toss him on the bed/couch. That wears me out pretty quickly. Well, HE wears me out pretty quickly on a regular basis.

[almama]

Cool thoughts! We are working with our DS on this and find it works well with us too.

Hot thoughts: anger, rage - they never lead to anything positive.
Cool thoughts: I can handle it, This is nothing to get angry about, At least they (fill in the blank), etc., etc.

You *have* to practice cool thoughts often so that when you get really angry they are automatic. I ask my son to be my "coach" and he reminds me of calm down skills (it helps me, but I think it helps him remember them too when he needs them). If I am at a loss, I ask for a coach and they throw out all kinds of ideas. It is great, and they know I need a break too.

The point is that you cannot handle a situation when you are "hot" so level out, and then deal with it.

[simplymother]

I'm need to read these responses, but wanted to sub so I'm replying.

Today I did something constructive. I noticed myself starting to get on edge--you know, just hearing so many requests/demands at once, especially when one of them is a fussing newborn.

I simply told my kids, "I'll be back in a few minutes," went into my room with the babe and lay on my back on my bed for a bit, staring at the ceiling while the baby nursed.

It was really nice, and I think it was extremely helpful that I went in BEFORE the feeling got really intense. I'm going to remember to do that more often. Just as soon as I notice those little feelings of tenseness--take a break THEN. Because at that point, it's still easy enough to bring to mind all the things I love about my kids, and my life, and loving feelings start coming back a lot quicker than if I'm already raging mad, ya know?

[fritz]

You're going to have to try different things to figure out what works best for you (and that might change depending on the day/situation).

Some ideas: acknowledge your feelings (it really is okay to feel anger, but if you don't recognize it and just shove it down, it'll fester now and explode later); give voice to your feelings (either by speaking or writing or typing a vent on MDC, or putting on a Punch and Judy puppet show); become aware of how your body feels when you're upset (heartbeat, temperature, skin, mouth, eyes, etc); count to ten (or 100) out loud or silently; breathe in, breathe out, in with the good chi, out with the bad chi; move--go take a walk around the block, workout, jump up and down, jog in place, do jumping jacks, dance--or make your whole body stiff as a board, then slowly relax each muscle group; listen to music (upbeat or soothing); scrub the tub/floor or change the sheets on the bed (combines physical activity with productivity to reduce overall stress)

HTH!

[Aubergine68]

Great ideas here. I'm really working on not swallowing or denying anger, myself. I am better than I used to be at it, but this is a real problem in my extended family. I want my kids to have healthier strategies.

Originally Posted by fritz

You're going to have to try different things to figure out what works best for you (and that might change depending on the day/situation).

Some ideas: acknowledge your feelings (it really is okay to feel anger, but if you don't recognize it and just shove it down, it'll fester now and explode later); give voice to your feelings (either by speaking or writing or typing a vent on MDC, or putting on a Punch and Judy puppet show); become aware of how your body feels when you're upset (heartbeat, temperature, skin, mouth, eyes, etc); count to ten (or 100) out loud or silently; breathe in, breathe out, in with the good chi, out with the bad chi; move--go take a walk around the block, workout, jump up and down, jog in place, do jumping jacks, dance--or make your whole body stiff as a board, then slowly relax each muscle group; listen to music (upbeat or soothing); scrub the tub/floor or change the sheets on the bed (combines physical activity with productivity to reduce overall stress)

HTH!

[kcparker]

When I can feel the anger coming, I try to remind myself of the Thomas Jefferson directive:

"When angry, count ten.
When very angry, one hundred."

It gives you time to either breathe through the angry moment or to think of what to do next. It's hard though if you go from 0-60 instantly.

For me, a lot of being angry has to do with how tired or hungry I am, so I try to make sure those needs are met. I also quit feeling guilty when I pass DS off to DH if I can tell that I am at the end of my patience for the day or just announce that I am tired and going to bed. knowing that DS will be in to join me in a few minutes anyway. I guess it's another form of mommy time-out.

[umsami]

There's a great book called "time out for parents" by Cheri Huber.

What I do.... is usually breathe or leave.

Lately, I've also tried to incorporate EFT (tapping accupressure points....just go to Google...and type in EFT and anger). It seems to help and the routine is really easy to learn.

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by dflanag2

ME too, because I've try to walk away/mommy time out sometimes when I am ticked and my kids FOLLOW ME. The other day I tried to close the bathroom door and lock it, and DS kept turning the doorknob (while throwing a screaming fit) so I couldn't get away from him.

:

When I say "I need a break" my two year old responds with "Mommy doesn't need a break!" and proceeds to climb on me and pull my hair. :

[AutumnAir]

: We need this in our house.

[MommytoB]

Since I'm a single mom and I don't get many mommy time outs when I'm with my little boy he's like hunting for mommy or either getting into something if I'm not there watching him.

So I started my own Women's Social Group for many variety of adult ladies can get together eat food and have social time .

It's a great thing and you get to try out New Food that you never tried and meeting new people.

When the grandparents are around they get to watch the boy otherwise I just put him in the drop off center where he enjoys it.

It gives this mom a bit of a break and I get to make friends out of the home .

[Norasmomma]

Mommy time out is my coping mechanism for anger. I am a thrower too, I actually tossed DD's fake laptop in the other room and broke the screen back in Feb. I seriously was having a nervous breakdown from complete and utter exhaustion from being in my first tri and dealing with a non-napping, non-sleeping cranky toddler.....it was pretty horrible there for awhile. After the hormones faded and DD started napping and sleeping again, peace is back. I did give myself a "mommy timeout" the other day because DD just refused to get dressed and it was escalating to a point that was not ok. I just go out side and take a breather, she's fine inside for the couple minutes I need to be a better mommy.

[proudmomof4]

Don't get me wrong here - I am NOT saying it's o. k. to throw (whether fits or things), hit, yell. But it is still a comfort I don't seem to be the only one who has to work on her ways to express anger.
How I wish I had known all of you when my now teenage daughter was a toddler!