What to do about the father --COURT UPDATE #90 - Page 6

[singin'intherain]

I agree, I don't think they can force you to plead guilty because you can't be there. I know they deal with this situation all the time- they must. Tell them you can't be there, that you're not guilty, and get the court date set for another time. My mom gave me some great advice for dealing with government beaurecrats- just be patient, persistent, and polite. Assure them that you're doing the best you can to comply with the rules, but that you can't be there on the date. Just keep trying. Ask politely for the name of the person you are speaking to, and they will know that you're documenting everything. Once they figure out that you aren't going to just do the first thing you tell them to do, it will become apparent that there are other options. They told you to just plead guilty and send the money, because that's the easiest thing for them. Just make it less hassle for them to deal directly with you than to put out a warrant for your arrest or enter a plea against your wishes. That automatic plea thing is only effective if you just don't bother to show at all. Make sure they know you know that, and that there's a record of your contact with them.

[Seasons]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

I got in touch with PA courts. Turns out they never even held court that day....theyissued a continuacne and claim they notified me. I never got it, but given that I've been moving so much, it's possible they really did mail it, so I'm not arguing. So....it's good that there is no warrant out or anythign like that.

The abd part? Court is tomorrow at 3 PM. And I'm all the way in TX.... If i don't go, i am automatically found guilty and have to pay the fine within 3o days, and THEN they put out a warrant if I don't pay.

I did NOT beat my husband up. I don't want a charge of harrassment on my record!!!

That was, what, 5/14? Huh. I wonder what happened. ETA: she was online here as recently as yesterday so she's probably not in jail.

[waiting2bemommy]

hey, I'm still here. just nothing much new to update.

The baby's father tracked down my mom's house number (I had called her once from his friend's phone) and called her. the bad part? She didn't even tell me. This happened several days ago and I just found out because she went telling OTHER people that he had called, but not me. I asked her point blank this morning on the phone "has anyone called looking for me? like ds's dad or anything?" she said no. i said, "well, if my children's fathers call, I would need to know, you know." she said, "of course, no one has called."

She knows who he is. She is LYING. if she's lying about this, what else is she lying about? I dont' want anything to do with her. Why is she like this????

[Seasons]

But what happened with your court date last week in PA on the harassment charge? Did you go to court?

Did you move to Georgia the way you wanted?

[waiting2bemommy]

No, I couldn't go. When I get to GA i will get the paperwork started to file an appeal. I can move in anytime, so i just have to fly back to VA to get a few things that I left behind, and then my mom and I are driving down to GA. I'm flying out of here tomorrow.

[Seasons]

Did they issue an arrest warrant? Or just a $ fine, or...?

[SunShineSally]

Hi mama,

I am happy everything is going okay! You can PM me if you need to vent or whatever.

[waiting2bemommy]

It's just a fine. But I'm not paying it, I'm appealing the guilty charge.

[confustication]

Why are you handing control of your life to other people?

You are obviously capable of more than you are achieving in your life. Getting past the wreck you've created of the past couple years is going to be hard work, and it isn't going to happen until you stop looking for someone else to blame.

You ask why your mother is like this, but I can guarantee that if my daughter were seemingly on self-destruct in the same way I would be a touch controlling as well.

I know that sounds harsh, and I don't mean it as a judgement, but you need to just put on the brakes and step forward into your life NOW.

If you choose to continue this pregnancy (and here's my bias-there's no way in heck I would given the circumstances) then you WILL have this man involved in your life- whether or not you want him to be, he does have the right to be. Your older child's father- creepy as he has been- also has a right to see his child, with certain safety restrictions. Trust me, I hate those rules, but that's what they are. As soon as that child is born, he has as much right to him/her as you do unless he does something to endanger the child. You have no ground to stand on in terms of arguing stability/positive lifestyle/etc, and you won't until you have been stable for some time- on your own feet.

Get to Georgia, take care of your legal issues, get in school or find a job yesterday- focus on rebuilding and nurturing yourself and your son, and meditate on whether or not you want to be a parent to another child at this juncture.

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by confustication

Why are you handing control of your life to other people?

You are obviously capable of more than you are achieving in your life. Getting past the wreck you've created of the past couple years is going to be hard work, and it isn't going to happen until you stop looking for someone else to blame.

You ask why your mother is like this, but I can guarantee that if my daughter were seemingly on self-destruct in the same way I would be a touch controlling as well.

I know that sounds harsh, and I don't mean it as a judgement, but you need to just put on the brakes and step forward into your life NOW.

If you choose to continue this pregnancy (and here's my bias-there's no way in heck I would given the circumstances) then you WILL have this man involved in your life- whether or not you want him to be, he does have the right to be. Your older child's father- creepy as he has been- also has a right to see his child, with certain safety restrictions. Trust me, I hate those rules, but that's what they are. As soon as that child is born, he has as much right to him/her as you do unless he does something to endanger the child. You have no ground to stand on in terms of arguing stability/positive lifestyle/etc, and you won't until you have been stable for some time- on your own feet.

Get to Georgia, take care of your legal issues, get in school or find a job yesterday- focus on rebuilding and nurturing yourself and your son, and meditate on whether or not you want to be a parent to another child at this juncture.

I think you compeltely missed the point of my last post. my mother did not tell me that he called. how can I control that? He tracked her down....i did nto tell him that she was mediating all contact between us.

my mother is not a "touh" controlling. She lies, manipulates, and creates drama. When she found out I was staying with my friends here in tx she called ahead to warn them that I was metally incompetent and dangerous. she created a picture of me that had them truly worried. once they spent time withme, they realized that she was lying, but she does this repeatedly. she had convinced me that i have any number of mental disorders while she ignores her own.

If she had wanted to help me, then she would have let me stay with her and go to school and work. instead, she forced me to stay in the thouse the entire time i stayed with her, even physically blocking the door when i tried to leave. she called places that i had interviewed with "looking for me" and lettig ti slip that i was unstable and homeless. of course, they didn't call me back.

if those are behaviors that you find acceptable and that you would be comfortable inflicting upon your "self destructive" child, then so be it. Whether you or her like it or not, I'm an adult and my life and decisions are not for her to control. Her place is to be supportive, not to manipulate, threaten and coerce her way into the drama.

I also take issue with you insinuating that my second child does not deserve to be alive because of who his/her parents are. how can you believe in gentle parenting and at the same time promote violently ending my child's life? You can put it nicely by calling it "terminating the pregnnacy" because then it does not sound like what it is, which is ijecting my baby's heart with a solution that KILLS him/her. Sorry to be blunt. Those are the facts. I don't need to meditate on anything. whether i want to pbe a parent or not is beyond the point now. From the moment I chose to conceive that baby, i AM parenting him/her. And I am going to make the best decisions I know how to make for that child. just as I wouldn't throw my ds off a bridge because I have no home for him, i'm not going to end my other child's life just because i dont' have it all together yet.

[confustication]

I'm not suggesting that your mother is right, or that you are wrong, I'm simply stating that, as a parent, I would become very controlling of things I *could* control if my daughter were struggling as you are. Not maliciously, but trying to help. I know that isn't how you see it, I'm just trying to see a common ground. Again, not a judgement, simply a 'maybe this is where she's coming from?'

Regardless of your feelings, I wasn't aiming for the great abortion debate. In fact, given that you are choosing to continue the pregnancy, I wouldn't suggest termination, but there are other options. You have choices here, if your choice is to parent another child, that's fine, just don't feel trapped into it.

Goodness, I wasn't trying to offend you, I was simply saying that there are lots of options, and you have the right to empower yourself to take control of your life, rgeardless of what happens or who does or doesn't give ou a message. You're a strong and capable woman who deserves to choose her destiny as opposed to simply letting life happen to you.

[PlayaMama]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

I think you compeltely missed the point of my last post. my mother did not tell me that he called. how can I control that? He tracked her down...

the simple answer is by dealing with him yourself rather than avoiding him and forcing him to contact you through your mother.

it's called handing your control away.

[PlayaMama]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

. From the moment I chose to conceive that baby, i AM parenting him/her.

i'd also like to point out that you will be parenting this child with it's father. it's not just you as much as it would be easier.

hugs for you, mama. i really REALLY really hope that you find your way to strength and happiness.

[bigeyes]

Why does she know where you're interviewing?

I wouldn't be telling those people anything.

[btbarbara]

Can you call legal aid in PA and see if there's anything they can do to help? Or ask the court about getting another continuance based on your circumstances. There's got to be some way that you can get it documented that you just found out and you're doing what you can to get this resolved. Do not plead guilty unless you want both of your children taken away from you.

I'm probably overstepping my bounds here because I haven't read the entire thread, but the posts that I have read from you sound like you've made some really bad choices (haven't we all!) but you're not willing to accept any of the responsibility for the choices you've made. It's all "Poor me! Why do people keep doing this to me?" when in fact, if you take an honest look at your life, it's pretty clear why these things keep "happening to you."

I'm sorry you're going through this and even sorrier for your two innocent children. I hope you get everything worked out and can get your life back on track.

[josybear]

btbarbara, please read the whole thread before making comments like that. you aren't helping the op.

[choli]

[QUOTE=waiting2bemommy;13786749]And I am going to make the best decisions I know how to make for that child. QUOTE]

My concern is that your recent track record makes it look like the best decisions you know how to make are very very bad ones. I think you need to concentrate on learning how to make good choices instead of constantly repeating your bad choices.

[Theoretica]

I think you compeltely missed the point of my last post. my mother did not tell me that he called. how can I control that? He tracked her down....i did nto tell him that she was mediating all contact between us.

You can control that by contacting your husband directly and dealing with him yourself.

my mother is not a "touh" controlling. She lies, manipulates, and creates drama. When she found out I was staying with my friends here in tx she called ahead to warn them that I was metally incompetent and dangerous. she created a picture of me that had them truly worried. once they spent time withme, they realized that she was lying, but she does this repeatedly. she had convinced me that i have any number of mental disorders while she ignores her own.

Ok I am NOT trying to be an @sshole here, and I swear I'm meaning this as gently and patiently as I can possibly say it, but I think you need to hear this and REALLY internalize it from a perspective OTHER than your current one.

*I* have a child who has made MANY of the same choices you have made recently. Based on her behavior, I do not see her as making competent, safe,, or responsible decisions. Her housing instability, homelessness, shacking up with random men who may or may not be ex-cons, impulsive decision making, reckless disregard for her child's needs...yeah buddy that's a problem. Would I call her friends and 'warn them off' of her? No, for many reasons. But I can understand a parent wanting to do that, and wanting more than ANYTHING for their adult child to just STOP making irrational choices that affect their helpless child(ren) and everyone else around them.

I'm not saying your mom doesn't have issues. I'm sure she does, we all do. What I'm saying is your credibility is pretty much shot. There were and still are MANY more stable options to choose than the ones you are insisting on choosing. I realize they may not be pleasant or desirable, or even close to what you wanted for your life. But at SOME POINT you have to look around and realize that you can only hit bottom once you stop digging.

If she had wanted to help me, then she would have let me stay with her and go to school and work. instead, she forced me to stay in the thouse the entire time i stayed with her, even physically blocking the door when i tried to leave. she called places that i had interviewed with "looking for me" and lettig ti slip that i was unstable and homeless. of course, they didn't call me back.

So she *did* let you stay with her and it didn't work out between you guys. ITA it sounds like she's too enmeshed into your life, but you are an adult and can learn to set some healthy boundaries too. Since you can only change you, stop worrying about what makes HER unhealthy/unbalanced and focus on what makes YOU that way.

if those are behaviors that you find acceptable and that you would be comfortable inflicting upon your "self destructive" child, then so be it. Whether you or her like it or not, I'm an adult and my life and decisions are not for her to control. Her place is to be supportive, not to manipulate, threaten and coerce her way into the drama.

Then stop handing your life to them, or anyone else. Take charge of your own issues 100%. When you have to deal with fallout from their control, or other issues you've avoided or not dealt with by handing them off to others or whatever, remind yourself that your inconvenience of dealing with their interference is the result of not being in control...so it's a good reminder not to let that happen again. Ever.

I also take issue with you insinuating that my second child does not deserve to be alive <snip>

Well, obviously there is zero debate regarding abortion on MDC, and I want to encourage everyone to really temper their comments on this because it could get inflamed quickly and close the thread. So, for the sake of sanity, take it to private messages or somewhere else. I can totally understand both sides of this topic, but for everyone's sake...and the hope that the OP is able to glean some useful support and advice from the wise mamas here, let's just agree to let this one slide eh?

Moving on...

[choli]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

If she had wanted to help me, then she would have let me stay with her and go to school and work. instead, she forced me to stay in the thouse the entire time i stayed with her, even physically blocking the door when i tried to leave. she called places that i had interviewed with "looking for me" and lettig ti slip that i was unstable and homeless. of course, they didn't call me back.

How did you interview if your mother did not let you leave the house?

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

if those are behaviors that you find acceptable and that you would be comfortable inflicting upon your "self destructive" child, then so be it. Whether you or her like it or not, I'm an adult and my life and decisions are not for her to control. Her place is to be supportive, not to manipulate, threaten and coerce her way into the drama.

It is true that you are an adult. So is your mother. That means that you don't get to define what her "place" is, and it also means you can't expect unconditional support. I would not support my DDs in making decisions that I felt were blatently self destructive, and I don't think doing so would make me a good parent.[/QUOTE]

[Seasons]

This is kind of a side note (everybody else has covered the main issues) but:

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

The baby's father tracked down my mom's house number (I had called her once from his friend's phone) and called her.... i said, "well, if my children's fathers call, I would need to know, you know."

vs.

Originally Posted by Theoretica

You can control that by contacting your husband directly and dealing with him yourself.

I think waiting2bemommy is saying that she told her mom about both kids and told her that they have different fathers - but that it was the ex-con (the father of the unborn one) that called her mom, rather than her husband (father of the born one) calling. But yes, Theoretica, your point is still valid - for both fathers.

ETA: oh, I just noticed this:

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

The baby's father tracked down my mom's house number (I had called her once from his friend's phone) and called her....

The "friend" of your baby's father isn't the person who owns the "friend's" house you're staying in now, in Texas, is it? If we're still talking about that baby's father being the ex-con homeless guy you stayed with in the Texas motel, well, you only knew HIM three weeks - do you really think staying with his friend (whom you've known even less time) is a good idea?