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What to do about the father --COURT UPDATE #90 - Page 2

post #21 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by ashleyhaugh View Post
well i know in texas that you cant get a divorce while youre pregnant, even if you were already seperated, you cannot name someone other that your husband on the birth certificate, although you can leave it blank and give baby your maiden name. i dont know how it is in other states though
I got divorced in Texas while pregnant, I had to sign a form and have my ex sign a form that stated that the child I was pregnant with was not his.

I think you have to have residency in whatever state you are filing a divorce in, so I don't know if it would be wise to move to GA and then file, unless your ex is the one filing from VA, that would work.
post #22 of 131
Quote:
Please be careful not to generalize about single parents - we are a very diverse group of people. For instance, MY husband (bio-father of my child, although never my co-parent) left ME (for a new wife). I didn't do anything wrong by not psychically predicting his leaving. No guilt or poor choices here!
Very true - Thank You! I guess according to singin'intherain I should have known that my husband would cheat on me and walk out on me after ten years of marriage and three kids - how on earth did I not see that coming?!
post #23 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy View Post
I plan on getting a divorce asap, and not mentioning that I'm pregnant. This early on, it's entirely conceivable that I wouldn't even know.
Read the divorce petition (the blank one that you'll be filing) carefully. In most states, including mine, both the petition and its answer (so, the papers both spouses must sign, under oath, to start the divorce process) ask: "is the wife pregnant?" In which case it wouldn't matter that "This early on, it's entirely conceivable that I wouldn't even know" - the only question is whether you ARE pregnant. Period. So since you do know, you would have to say "yes."
post #24 of 131
Quote:
I'm surprised, because on a single parent's board it should be obvious that most of us are guilty of making a poor choice of coparents.
Well ouch!

Just because my husband and I grew apart and fell out of love with each other doesn't mean he is a poor parent or a poor choice. Lots of people have marriages that end but continue to be good parents separately.
post #25 of 131
Me again! You know what else?! This comment:

Quote:
I'm surprised, because on a single parent's board it should be obvious that most of us are guilty of making a poor choice of coparents.
is also extremely offensive to Single Mother's By Choice - I'm not one, but my hat's off to those lovely ladies!

There are a lot of roads that have led us to Single Motherhood, and accusing us of making "poor choices" is not only insulting, but yet one more instance of the "Mommy Wars" rearing it's ugly head, in my opinion...
post #26 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy View Post
i suspect that if he doesn't hear from me i the next few months he will end up going to costa rica (a violation of his parole, which means he would have to stay there until his parole is up, 4 years.) This is something he had been talking about doing before we found out about the pregnancy.

Whew....... he's a character, to say the least.....



Definitely move to Georgia, ASAP! And don't call him...if he really has good intentions, he'll be able to find you later on. Or if he just wants to bully you around and treat you badly, hopefully he'll try doing it in Costa Rica.
post #27 of 131
: for you
post #28 of 131
I thought the OP had sole custody of her toddler due to abuse issues.

I'm sorry about all these judgemental comments. When I said what I did about the unprotected sex and living situation it wasn't to judge or condemn you. I understand that you have had a rough time and you may feel you have few options and no safety net. Considering the way people close to you have treated you I wonder if your friends in GA are a good source of support or if this might be the time to strike out on your own. Sometimes a fresh start in a new place with no one but yourself to rely on is a lifesaver. You will need to name the new father because you are going to run into massive issues with your x otherwise but I wouldn't give him more than an email address for you and have it be one you only check every so often. You don't need that energy all day everyday. Can you find a shelter in a new place and just disappear (other than court dates of course) and make a new woman of yourself. It's all there you just need to pull it out.
post #29 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringTales View Post
You were having extra-marital unprotected sex with some strange guy with a shady past while breastfeeding? Do you know what kind of danger you have put your nursing child in? Have you been tested for stds?

If you are still legally married I think that the automatic legal assumption is that your husband is the father of any children born into that marriage.
I have to agree with this.

I would not automaticly put the any father's name down. It is kind of sad your husband may have to pay child support for a child that isn't his. If you can get away with saying you don't know do so. That way ex-husband has no way of getting custody. Also if you write down clearly he is not the father then you don't have to worry about the laws catching up with you when/if they change.

I also think you need to get some help. You are making the same choices over and over again. Until you change yourself and why you are pick loosers you are going to find yourself in this mess over and over again. Stay out of relationships until you fix yourself.
post #30 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppyMama View Post
I thought the OP had sole custody of her toddler due to abuse issues.
IIRC OP has temporary sole custody (with visitation by her husband) of their son, because he didn't have notice of the court date and she was the only one who showed up.
post #31 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by ashleyhaugh View Post
well i know in texas that you cant get a divorce while youre pregnant, even if you were already seperated, you cannot name someone other that your husband on the birth certificate, although you can leave it blank and give baby your maiden name. i dont know how it is in other states though
Here in Massachusetts, the husband is the *legal* father unless both a notarized voluntary acknowledgment of parentage is signed by both biological parents AND a notarized affidavit of non paternity is signed by the mother and her husband (the legally presumed father). If these cannot be obtained with the birth certificate at the time of birth, a court order can be obtained. Otherwise the husband has to be listed or the birth certificate is incomplete and cannot be registered. This applies even if the mother gets a legal divorce up to 300 days before the baby's birth (so if she is married at any time during the pregnancy).
post #32 of 131
Hi mama!

In NYS you can tell them for the safety of you and your DC not to go after the father for CS I haven't had them go after Ds's "father" in over 3 years as when I do he stalks us even more.

Also here they do assume that your spouse is the dad unless a DNA test shows otherwise.

Stay safe and keep your LO's safe
post #33 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunShineSally View Post
Hi mama!

In NYS you can tell them for the safety of you and your DC not to go after the father for CS I haven't had them go after Ds's "father" in over 3 years as when I do he stalks us even more....

Stay safe and keep your LO's safe
But in OP's case, her boyfriend isn't a safety threat to her OR her child. OP has said merely that he is "not at all AP," "he interfered with me breastfeeding ds," "he has been to prison, has done drugs." THIS DOES NOT MEAN HE SHOULD BE DENIED HIS PARENTAL RIGHTS.
post #34 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seasons View Post
But in OP's case, her boyfriend isn't a safety threat to her OR her child. OP has said merely that he is "not at all AP," "he interfered with me breastfeeding ds," "he has been to prison, has done drugs." THIS DOES NOT MEAN HE SHOULD BE DENIED HIS PARENTAL RIGHTS.
Isn't this the homeless guy that she got a hotel with who she said was not in much better shape than she is? If you're in a situation like this with one child that you are barely hanging onto, why put your son at greater risk. At this point, I'm wondering how much worse the abusive husband could be than what is going on now. Getting a hotel with and getting pregnant by a homeless ex-con addict within days of knowing him. I know we all make mistakes, but this is huge and very risky to her baby who is getting dragged along for the ride.

OP, since you're continuing the pregnancy, you really need to get your feet on the ground. Swallow your pride and go back home to your mother. Forget that she disrespects you. Do what you have to do for your son. Stop dragging him from state to state from one unreliable friend to another.
post #35 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post
Isn't this the homeless guy that she got a hotel with who she said was not in much better shape than she is? I don't know why anyone jumped on Choli for stating the obvious. If you're in a situation like this with one child that you are barely hanging onto, why put your son at greater risk. At this point, I'm wondering how much worse the abusive husband could be than what is going on now. Getting a hotel with and getting pregnant by a homeless ex-con addict within days of knowing him. I know we all make mistakes, but this is huge and very risky to her baby who is getting dragged along for the ride.

OP, since you're continuing the pregnancy, you really need to get your feet on the ground. Swallow your pride and go back home to your mother. Forget that she disrespects you. Do what you have to do for your son. Stop dragging him from state to state from one unreliable friend to another.
chaoticzenmom, I don't necessarily disagree with you (and Choli) at ALL - I'm just carefully staying within the UA. So on the issue of OP's choices regarding this boyfriend, all I'm saying is, legally and ethically she MUST keep him informed of her (and her child's) address so that boyfriend can pursue his parental rights regarding their child.
post #36 of 131
Seasons...I realized that it was edited, so I went back and edited. I wasn't disagreeing that he's possibly not dangerous, but that the issue isn't really about him right now. There's plenty of time for that. The issue isn't "What to do about the father" it's "what to do about myself and my son."

As a side note, my own father was an abusive, ex-con, drug dealer and he was a great father....after he got stable.
post #37 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post
Seasons...I realized that it was edited, so I went back and edited. I wasn't disagreeing that he's possibly not dangerous, but that the issue isn't really about him right now. There's plenty of time for that. The issue isn't "What to do about the father" it's "what to do about myself and my son."

As a side note, my own father was an abusive, ex-con, drug dealer and he was a great father....after he got stable.
Gotcha! We are on exactly the same page. And you're right, it looks like Choli's comment is gone anyway, so consider me officially not referring to it now.
post #38 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seasons View Post
But in OP's case, her boyfriend isn't a safety threat to her OR her child. OP has said merely that he is "not at all AP," "he interfered with me breastfeeding ds," "he has been to prison, has done drugs." THIS DOES NOT MEAN HE SHOULD BE DENIED HIS PARENTAL RIGHTS.

I do not know the whole story. I assume that if a mother doesn't want a father around it is because of safety issues that is why my Ds is not allowed to see his "father" becuase of safety and a lot of what I read drug use that is a safety issue IMO now if he is clean and no longer useing and staying on the straight and narrow then yes he should be allowed to know where the child is. But again I do not know the whole story of what happened and what is happening I just said in NYS if there is a threat to safty then they will not contact I am not sure if you need proof of threat as I always had it.
post #39 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by mmace View Post
Very true - Thank You! I guess according to singin'intherain I should have known that my husband would cheat on me and walk out on me after ten years of marriage and three kids - how on earth did I not see that coming?!
The point is that none of us has the right to make a judgement about what someone else could have/should have seen coming. I would never suggest that you should have predicted what your husband would do- that's the point! Since most of us here are single parents, and most of us didn't choose to be single parents (I know, some did), logically most of us made lifemate choices that later turned out to be a bad thing one way or another. I'm saying if I don't want to be blamed for my less than ideal life situation, I won't blame anyone else for theirs. Even if their story is full of red flags. Cause I'm sure mine is, too- especially to someone outside of my situation.
post #40 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by mmace View Post
Me again! You know what else?! This comment:



is also extremely offensive to Single Mother's By Choice - I'm not one, but my hat's off to those lovely ladies!

There are a lot of roads that have led us to Single Motherhood, and accusing us of making "poor choices" is not only insulting, but yet one more instance of the "Mommy Wars" rearing it's ugly head, in my opinion...
Please, stop attacking me! I was just trying to point out that we all make mistakes. We all get into situations that we probably had SOME signs were coming down the pike! I'm not trying to blame everyone on here for their failed marriages!

The OP had a really cruel suggestion made to her, which was removed from the thread. My response, which was also removed because it quoted that post, was a response. It just meant, please don't judge the op so harshly! We all make mistakes.

I will totally accept that all of you who responded have no regrets, that's ok! I certainly have my share of blame in the downfall of my marriage I did make some poor choices- sheesh! I'm not pointing the finger at you!

And of course I know that many parents choose to enter single parenthood from the beginning. I support them and do not think all single parents are there because they made poor choices!
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