What to do about the father --COURT UPDATE #90 - Page 3

[PoppyMama]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

Isn't this the homeless guy that she got a hotel with who she said was not in much better shape than she is? If you're in a situation like this with one child that you are barely hanging onto, why put your son at greater risk. At this point, I'm wondering how much worse the abusive husband could be than what is going on now. Getting a hotel with and getting pregnant by a homeless ex-con addict within days of knowing him. I know we all make mistakes, but this is huge and very risky to her baby who is getting dragged along for the ride.

OP, since you're continuing the pregnancy, you really need to get your feet on the ground. Swallow your pride and go back home to your mother. Forget that she disrespects you. Do what you have to do for your son. Stop dragging him from state to state from one unreliable friend to another.

I have to totally disagree with you. Her stbxh was beating the c^&p out of her in front of her baby. She tried to get away and was booted from the shelter for being late so she shacked up with a random guy she met and now she's pregnant. Going home to the mother who disrespects and undermines her is not going to solve this situation. Get out on your own, find a new shelter, apply for assistance, get a job and make this all about you and your children. The OP can do this and become a whole new person.

[kiara7]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

Get out on your own, find a new shelter, apply for assistance, get a job and make this all about you and your children. The OP can do this and become a whole new person.

ITA. Do it yourself. You can do it. If the father leaves for Costa Rica, all the better.

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

OP, since you're continuing the pregnancy, you really need to get your feet on the ground. Swallow your pride and go back home to your mother. Forget that she disrespects you. Do what you have to do for your son. Stop dragging him from state to state from one unreliable friend to another.

believe me, it is not about pride. i swallowed my pride a long time ago. But living with my mother is simply not an option. She does not allow me to work, look for employment, or collect welfare. There is absolutely no way to get on my feet living in her home. none. I have tried four times and each time led to disaster. she does not even want me in school. Everything according to her is "too hard" for me. she wants me to stay in the house, cook, clean and so forth, if na duntil someone decides to marry me, and then I will stay in HIS house and cook and clean. That is the limit of her expectations for me.

I fail to see how that would be any more beneficial for my son.

Other people have told me that she is controlling and plays mind games.

[mmace]

Please, stop attacking me! I was just trying to point out that we all make mistakes. We all get into situations that we probably had SOME signs were coming down the pike! I'm not trying to blame everyone on here for their failed marriages!

The OP had a really cruel suggestion made to her, which was removed from the thread. My response, which was also removed because it quoted that post, was a response. It just meant, please don't judge the op so harshly! We all make mistakes.

I will totally accept that all of you who responded have no regrets, that's ok! I certainly have my share of blame in the downfall of my marriage I did make some poor choices- sheesh! I'm not pointing the finger at you!

And of course I know that many parents choose to enter single parenthood from the beginning. I support them and do not think all single parents are there because they made poor choices!

Not attacking you at all, just commenting on what you said. If you really meant that we should not judge the OP so harshly, than I apologize. It did not come across that way to me (or obviously, to at least a couple of others).

My X would be the first to tell you that he did a complete 180 in our marriage - choosing drinking and other women over his wife and kids, through no fault of mine. It just irks me when people say that I should have made a better choice in a partner, because I could not predict that any more than I could predict him getting cancer or getting hit by a truck. I get tired of the blame the vicitim mentality that comes at us single mothers so often, and I especially didn't expect to find that here, on a single parenting board.

Again, if your comment was taken wrong, I do apologize, but I'm sure you can see how it was taken the way it was.

[singin'intherain]

Originally Posted by mmace

Not attacking you at all, just commenting on what you said. If you really meant that we should not judge the OP so harshly, than I apologize. It did not come across that way to me (or obviously, to at least a couple of others).

My X would be the first to tell you that he did a complete 180 in our marriage - choosing drinking and other women over his wife and kids, through no fault of mine. It just irks me when people say that I should have made a better choice in a partner, because I could not predict that any more than I could predict him getting cancer or getting hit by a truck. I get tired of the blame the vicitim mentality that comes at us single mothers so often, and I especially didn't expect to find that here, on a single parenting board.

Again, if your comment was taken wrong, I do apologize, but I'm sure you can see how it was taken the way it was.

Yes, my comment was more like a "Let he who has never sinned throw the first stone" kind of comment. I had no idea someone would be reading who had NO part in whatever problems led do her status as a single mother. I don't think many of us can claim ourselves to be Completely blameless, to have had absolutely no warning signs that they could have heeded if they had been a little wiser. The other idea I was trying to convey was that no matter how careful, how wise we try to be, bad things still happen. Even your story will attest to that. I don't like to hear people say really cruel, blaming things about another's mistakes. That's all.

[Seasons]

Originally Posted by singin'intherain

Yes, my comment was more like a "Let he who has never sinned throw the first stone" kind of comment. I had no idea someone would be reading who had NO part in whatever problems led do her status as a single mother. I don't think many of us can claim ourselves to be Completely blameless, to have had absolutely no warning signs that they could have heeded if they had been a little wiser. The other idea I was trying to convey was that no matter how careful, how wise we try to be, bad things still happen. Even your story will attest to that. I don't like to hear people say really cruel, blaming things about another's mistakes. That's all.

See, I think these two ideas are opposites. I see plenty of erroneous thinking among partnered people who assume that if they choose a partner carefully and work hard on their partnership, that the partnership will continue. Certain gov't agencies and media outlets promote the idea that single mothers have poor judgment, both in choosing partners, and in parenting (how many YMCAs and churches offer parenting classes for single moms?). I've even seen books like "divorce-proofing your marriage" and - at a divorce recovery seminar!!! - the concept expressed that "it takes two to end a marriage." The reality instead is that it takes just one person to leave, and that many times one partner is entirely blameless. So I agree only with your second statement: "no matter how careful, how wise we try to be, bad things still happen." Let's keep THIS in mind rather than perpetuating the dangerous stereotype (to our landlords, bosses, children's teachers...) that single parents have poor judgment.

[mmace]

See, I think these two ideas are opposites. I see plenty of erroneous thinking among partnered people who assume that if they choose a partner carefully and work hard on their partnership, that the partnership will continue. Certain gov't agencies and media outlets promote the idea that single mothers have poor judgment, both in choosing partners, and in parenting (how many YMCAs and churches offer parenting classes for single moms?). I've even seen books like "divorce-proofing your marriage" and - at a divorce recovery seminar!!! - the concept expressed that "it takes two to end a marriage." The reality instead is that it takes just one person to leave, and that many times one partner is entirely blameless. So I agree only with your second statement: "no matter how careful, how wise we try to be, bad things still happen." Let's keep THIS in mind rather than perpetuating the dangerous stereotype (to our landlords, bosses, children's teachers...) that single parents have poor judgment.

Thank you, Seasons. This is just exactly what I meant.

[chaoticzenmom]

That is true, SEasons. A friend of mine mentioned the other day something that I hadn't really thought about. The term "welfare mother." That's such a crock. How about welfare PARENT!! It's not just women who make mistakes.

But for the OP, you need to look at your judgment. This isn't just about making mistakes that anyone could make. You've done things that you can see "mistake" written on a mile away. It's ok, people do it, but to do it repeatedly when you've got a 17mo to take care of is dangerous. Find this boy some stability. Stop blaming everyone else, your ex, his parents, your mother, your new boyfriend, your friends, the shelter, the bus system. You need to look at what you're doing here without pointing fingers. Your son needs for you to take charge and you can't do that when you're too busy pointing fingers.

If it's not about pride, then get back to a shelter and make sure you follow the rules this time. You don't need your mom to undermine you. You're too busy undermining yourself.

[singin'intherain]

Originally Posted by Seasons

See, I think these two ideas are opposites. I see plenty of erroneous thinking among partnered people who assume that if they choose a partner carefully and work hard on their partnership, that the partnership will continue. Certain gov't agencies and media outlets promote the idea that single mothers have poor judgment, both in choosing partners, and in parenting (how many YMCAs and churches offer parenting classes for single moms?). I've even seen books like "divorce-proofing your marriage" and - at a divorce recovery seminar!!! - the concept expressed that "it takes two to end a marriage." The reality instead is that it takes just one person to leave, and that many times one partner is entirely blameless. So I agree only with your second statement: "no matter how careful, how wise we try to be, bad things still happen." Let's keep THIS in mind rather than perpetuating the dangerous stereotype (to our landlords, bosses, children's teachers...) that single parents have poor judgment.

Ok, I see where you're coming from. It sounds like you read me as saying something along the lines of, if you're divorced, you screwed up. YOU should have seen what was coming, and either fixed it, or not gotten involved in the first place. Is that right?

I'm a single mom through divorce, and I would never assert that idea. I read all those books about how I could fix my marriage single handedly if I really wanted to, but I don't believe that. We simply can't control other people. I do know I kept my eyes closed to some things I should have paid attention to. I also did things throughout my marriage that I'm not proud of, though over all it really lies with my ex. I couldn't have fixed his drinking. Or forced him to seek help for his depression. Or made him change his attitude and value our family. It's not possible. So I really feel for where you are coming from here.

My original comment was in response to something just as judgmental as assuming that single moms are all there because of poor decision making. I would hope no-one will ever say to me that since I couldn't keep a marriage together (because they assume I'm hopeless), that I shouldn't be a mother. It has certainly been said on many, many occasions of many women. The suggestion that was made to the OP, which was removed from the thread (obviously I'm not the only one who sees it this way) was very judgmental and no help at all.

I hope you can get a perspective on my comment and see that I wasn't trying to assert that single mothers are to blame for their circumstances. If those who are passing harsh judgment on the OP right now are not to blame in any way for their single motherhood, ok- but at some point we have ALL done something that we would like others to be gentle with us about.

[christianmomof3]

You are in a difficult situation.
I do not think you have to list any father on the birth certificate, but as you are aware, if you are married, your spouse will be considered the father.
It seems that you have been making very poor choices in your life and that is not good for you or for your children.
I think there are some organizations that may be able to help you if you wish to change and start living responsibly and those would vary depending on where you live.
In Tx, you can call 211 for assistance organizations. https://www.211texas.org/211/

[Theoretica]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

But for the OP, you need to look at your judgment. This isn't just about making mistakes that anyone could make. You've done things that you can see "mistake" written on a mile away. It's ok, people do it, but to do it repeatedly when you've got a 17mo to take care of is dangerous. Find this boy some stability. Stop blaming everyone else, your ex, his parents, your mother, your new boyfriend, your friends, the shelter, the bus system. You need to look at what you're doing here without pointing fingers. Your son needs for you to take charge and you can't do that when you're too busy pointing fingers. If it's not about pride, then get back to a shelter and make sure you follow the rules this time. You don't need your mom to undermine you. You're too busy undermining yourself.

I really agree with this and I think this is a good summary of what a lot of people are thinking/saying on this thread, just said much more eloquently and to the point. Thank you for gently pointing this out.

OP: Sometimes in dysfunctional relationships (with parents, spouses, friends, whomever) we swallow our pride to the point of having none. There is a lot to be said for having personal pride and standards that reflect our boundaries. Please consider making a clear set of 'rules' for yourself to follow. For example, I'd suggest no romantic relationships at ALL for at LEAST a year or two. IF you meet 'the one' in that time, he'd appreciate your own personal insistence on getting your own head on straight before getting into a relationship that affects your children. Focus right now, and the next few years, on healing your own dysfunction and being a successful single mother to your biggest priorities.

[Seasons]

Originally Posted by singin'intherain

Ok, I see where you're coming from. It sounds like you read me as saying something along the lines of, if you're divorced, you screwed up. YOU should have seen what was coming, and either fixed it, or not gotten involved in the first place. Is that right?

(Right. That's what I thought you said; now that you've explained I see you mean the following instead...)

I would hope no-one will ever say to me that since I couldn't keep a marriage together (because they assume I'm hopeless), that I shouldn't be a mother. It has certainly been said on many, many occasions of many women. The suggestion that was made to the OP.....

Oooooh! I see where you're coming from, now, too. (Although I don't think that was exactly what was said, but anyway...) Thanks so much for explaining. Gotcha.

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

you need to look at your judgment. This isn't just about making mistakes that anyone could make. You've done things that you can see "mistake" written on a mile away. It's ok, people do it, but to do it repeatedly when you've got a 17mo to take care of is dangerous. Find this boy some stability. Stop blaming everyone else, your ex, his parents, your mother, your new boyfriend, your friends, the shelter, the bus system. You need to look at what you're doing here without pointing fingers. Your son needs for you to take charge and you can't do that when you're too busy pointing fingers.

I said upthread that I wouldn't comment on this issue of the thread, but gotta give a huge, neck-strain-inducing nod here. Very well put.

[guestmama9916]

waiting2bemommy - the phone convo you had with this guy is raising red flags for me. I was also a victim domestic abuse so what you said a few posts back about him being jealous and saying to you "f-ck you" is a sure sign this guy is no good. I would be really scared for you if you stuck around and tried to co parent with him. Leave when you get the chance. Your safety and the safety of your two little ones is the most important thing here.

[DanishMom]

OP - how are you doing? Please update when you can. How is your LO doing?

Singin'intherain: I totally got your intentions in your first post and I really agree with what you wrote. I only read is as response to the awful post which was deleted. So at least ONE person understood your intentions

[LoveOhm]

I am really disheartened by this thread and it makes me wonder what does it mean to be an attached parent...? As a solo mama I take full responsibility for my actions that affect my daughter both the good and the not so good. My heart hurts for the OP's child and potential child and I hope she can turn things around.

For those not in that position learn from this! Take time to know the person you are dating, don't have unprotected sex with someone you don't know well, if you do or if the protection breaks the day after pill serves a purpose and will reduce the need to do anything more drastic later down the line. Life is never perfect, there will not be the "perfect" time for a baby but at the same time just because you get pregnant having the child does not make you an attached parent to your current child or the one on the way....

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by LoveOhm

I am really disheartened by this thread and it makes me wonder what does it mean to be an attached parent...? As a solo mama I take full responsibility for my actions that affect my daughter both the good and the not so good. My heart hurts for the OP's child and potential child and I hope she can turn things around.

For those not in that position learn from this! Take time to know the person you are dating, don't have unprotected sex with someone you don't know well, if you do or if the protection breaks the day after pill serves a purpose and will reduce the need to do anything more drastic later down the line. Life is never perfect, there will not be the "perfect" time for a baby but at the same time just because you get pregnant having the child does not make you an attached parent to your current child or the one on the way....

Sorry that my predicament has "disheartened' you. If you feel that way imagine how it feels to be living it. nowhere in here have I NOT taken responsibility for having sex with him, nor did I claim that keeping my new baby is what makes me an attached parent. It just means i have respect for the life of my unborn child. :

Obviously, if I was not striving to be a better parent, i wouldn't bother coming here in the first place. and honestly, after some of the responses I've gotten, maybe I shouldn't have.

i am well, well, WELL aware of the mistakes that I've made. Believe me when i say that everywhere I look it is thrown back in my face. the worst part is to look at my son's face every day and see what I am NOT able to give him. That part hurts more than 1,000 judgements on an online message board. I am regularly told what a f-up I am by my "support system" IRL. to say you feel sorry for my ds really stings.

[Seasons]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

Sorry that my predicament has "disheartened' you. If you feel that way imagine how it feels to be living it. nowhere in here have I NOT taken responsibility for having sex with him, nor did I claim that keeping my new baby is what makes me an attached parent. It just means i have respect for the life of my unborn child. :

Obviously, if I was not striving to be a better parent, i wouldn't bother coming here in the first place. and honestly, after some of the responses I've gotten, maybe I shouldn't have.

i am well, well, WELL aware of the mistakes that I've made. Believe me when i say that everywhere I look it is thrown back in my face. the worst part is to look at my son's face every day and see what I am NOT able to give him. That part hurts more than 1,000 judgements on an online message board. I am regularly told what a f-up I am by my "support system" IRL. to say you feel sorry for my ds really stings.

waiting2bemommy, what's the status with your housing? Are you still in the house-with-backyard, or motel, or maybe have you gone back to the shelter? What's your thinking on moving in with your friend in Georgia, from Texas (if you're still in Texas)?

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by Seasons

waiting2bemommy, what's the status with your housing? Are you still in the house-with-backyard, or motel, or maybe have you gone back to the shelter? What's your thinking on moving in with your friend in Georgia, from Texas (if you're still in Texas)?

My friend in GA thinks she found a nice place for me, but I haven't been able to get a hold of her for two days. My parents have all my tax refund money, which is what i was planning to use for for a security deposit, so unless they let me have it, i have nothing with which to move in anywhere, here or in GA.

i am at the end of my rope mentally. Everyone has a different idea on what I should do, and I have no money anyway, so i really can't do anything jsut yet. i'm getting a LOT of pressure to go back to VA...I don't know what to do. Hoenstly I just want to go to sleep for a long, long time.

Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones. I don't feel like taking a shower or getting dressed or antyhing. i mean, I do but I don't feel like it. I don't want to feed the baby or aply with him or antyhing. Again, I am doing all thoset hings but just oing through the motions. I feel so bad for him becuase he deserves to have me totally engaged and I'm not.

[Seasons]

Can you stay in the Texas house-with-the-backyard (I think that's where you said you were now)?

Going back to Virginia would mean living with your parents again?

[chaoticzenmom]

I think you're getting depressed...which is understandable.

Understand that you CAN get through this, but you have to rely on yourself and not get into anything deeper. Don't let embarrassment hold you back. Everyone is entitled to make mistakes and forgive themselves and move on. The problem comes when you drown in your mistakes and keep making new ones because of it. No blame, no shame, just forgive yourself.

Was your refund in the form of a check? Are your parents planning to cash that check for themselves? That's illegal.

In Virginia, did you get the charges against you dropped? When do you have to go back to court?

Just take each issue as it comes, write all the problems down and know that you'll deal with them.

Maybe write down the issues here and get other mothers to brainstorm with you.