Here's an article I like, by Jan Hunt:
Looking Past the Behavior
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shami  What are the better ways to deal with it (hurting others)? Hope I am not getting us off topic. I think the op wants to know what others are doing beside time outs. I know that with older toddlers you can do some talking and explaining how hurting people is not allowed. You can really show them how the other person feels. Do you consider removing a child from the other hurt child as a time out?
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Here's something I wrote a long while back about dealing with a todder hitting:
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I tell my ds that "I don't like to be hit." The I *redirect in a way that honors the impulse* IE if he hits because he's frustrated, I tell him other ways to express his frustration. My ds likes to make a "mad face" but you could also try jumping, clapping hands, making a sign, roar like a lion, etc. If ds hits me because he's overexcited, I find other fun exciting ways for us to interact. I'll say "I don't like to be hit. If you want to play together, we can play pat-a-cake" (or whatever physical activity seems to fit at the moment)
If he wants me to read to him, sometimes he'll put the book right up in my face, and sometimes hits me with it. For that, I tell him "If you want me to read to you, you can put the book in my hand, and ask me to read it."
The *impulse* is legitimate. He's angry, he's frustrated, he wants something, etc. It's just the way its expressed that is unacceptable. So, it makes the most sense to teach acceptable ways to express those impulses. The impulse won't go away just because you say "don't hit" kwim?
And redirecting in a way that honors the impulse makes it easier for ds to stop hitting. It *helps* him to do the right (or socially acceptable) thing, and in the end that's what good discipline is.
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For ds now, my response to hitting is much more stern "Do NOT hit." then talk to him about what else he could have done (ie, if he hit a friend, I talk to them both about solving problems, or coming to an adult if they can't find a solution, etc). Talking about how hitting hurts is secondary to the other information, for me.
Sometimes, depending on the situation, I say nothing and give him a look that says "oh no, you did NOT just do that." That's enough to make him run over and give me a hug and say sorry. After that, I talk about better alternatives, etc.
I should add that hitting is really rare for him, and when he does hit its much to light to actually hurt anyone. Hitting is a HUGE deal to me (even light hitting), and I'm pretty strict about it. So I don't know what I would do if he DID hit more than he does. That's why I said that I can understand how people would use time outs for hitting (and other behaviors that hurt others), even though I think that time outs don't *really* teach what we want to teach. They don't really address the behavior and socially acceptable alternatives.
But sometimes, especially in the case of a child hitting a sibling or other kids, the hitting *needs* to stop, even if it's not teaching as much about the situation as we'd like, so I can certainly understand the use of time outs in those cases.
I have never removed ds from the person he hit, because I think that takes away an important part of the teaching process. It takes them away from a situation that they still (obviously) have a lot to learn about. If he were taken away, he leaves the situation as "the kid who hit" without having a chance to do better.
But, no, I wouldn't necessarily consider removing a child from a person he hit to be the same as a time out.
In Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, they list these "steps" as ways to deal with younger children who bite (which also applies to other hurtful behavior):
Set a limit- ie, stop the bite. Set a verbal and physical limit.
Honor the impulse- make an educated guess about WHY the child is biting. (are you trying to say hi? do you want Brooke to move?)
Give information- I say "I don't like to be hit/bitten" etc
Redirect in a way that honors the impulse- if he's hitting/biting because he wants Brooke to move, explain other ways to ask her to move.
Don't stigmatize the child- don't label them as a "biter" it can reinforce the behavior and be a self fullfilling prophesy.
