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Baby not invited to wedding?? - Page 3

post #41 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by beansmama View Post
Babies cry.

I just got married a couple weeks ago and since i have a 5yo (and am prego) we had kids galore at our wedding...a friends kid (not quite 2) even threw a ball at me during "the dance" that landed in my bustle and I couldn't get it out until the end. The parents were very apologetic, but I didn't care...thought it was funny actually...because I'm a mom, and that's the kind of wedding i expected!
During my first wedding, my almost three year old nephew (*sigh* he's 20 now - I feel old sometimes), who was our ring bearer, cut in on the first dance. We have pictures of me in my expensive white dress, my ex in his tailcoat, and the ring bearer, also in a tailcoat, with top hat, all dancing together. My ex and I were holding him. I thought it was great.

I certainly didn't care the few times one of the babies in attendance started to cry. (There were three who were under a month old.) I really have to work to remind myself that there are people who are bothered by that kind of thing.
post #42 of 140
I think it is a mistake to judge a person's intentions or attitudes towards children simply because they prefer to have an adults only wedding.

There are a million reasons and rationals behind why someone would or would not want children in attendance at their private function.

When DH and I got married, I was a kindergarten teacher and had a 10 year old DD of my own. I am friends with many parents of my former and current students. Obviously I am also friends with my co-workers.

We chose to not have children in attendance for several reasons: I wanted my co-workers to be able to enjoy themselves, drink, dance whatever, without having to worry about whether a student might be watching them. Sometimes it is nice to just be an adult and not a role model.
Secondly, I did not want a couple of children from my class/school to attend my wedding and come back to school talking about it to children that were not invited. "Why did you invite Timmy to your wedding and not me, Miss C?" Ummm....awkward and hurtful to a small child.
And finally, cost. DH and I were footing the bill for our entire wedding and the cost per meal for a child is the same as an adult. If children were invited, we would have had to significantly reduce the number of friends/family that we could invite. We'd rather share our day with the adults that we have relationships with than leave them out so other people could bring their children.

DH's aunt was miffed that her grandchildren were not invited, as "They are really sweet, well-behaved boys who wanted to share this day with us and should have been an exception since they are related." Maybe they were sweet and well-behaved, but I had never met them during the entire 2 1/2 years I had known DH. DH had not even met the youngest one.

At the time, we did not have any friends of family with infants, but they would have certainly been welcome. Having a baby crying during the ceremony was not something I even considered as a problem. However having a baby crying during the vows would have been preferable to the pastor calling my DH by the wrong name, twice, during the ceremony.

Anyway, I don't consider myself or DH to be arrogant, snotty or child-haters. We are, in fact, very fond of children and pretty down to earth people who just happened to have had personal reasons for not inviting children to our wedding.

As for this particular situation, when my DS was 7 months old, there is no way I would have or could have left him for any amount of time to go to a wedding. I would just have to send a gift and my regrets and look forward to attending weddings again once he is old enough to be left with a sitter.
post #43 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by beansmama View Post
PS. Also, not every couple that marries intends to procreate.
We didn't plan to procreate (though we obviously changed our minds), but we still loved having kids at our wedding. Child-free couples can enjoy kids!
post #44 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom View Post
It is their wedding, so their choice. Whether you go or not is your choice. For me, I would understand and respect the desire for a child-free wedding, and expect that they would understand and respect my refusal to leave my kiddos. I'd send a nice gift and a card, but not attend.
This is what I was going to say.

OP - I think your solution idea was great
post #45 of 140
I had a mostly kids-free wedding. My sister had a 2 yo and another bridesmaid had a 4 and 6 yo and really if kids had been invited the bridesmaid would have been MIA the entire time (a seriously high maintenance woman; it would have been a pain for us all, I am sure). My sis used babysitters all the time so she wouldn't have wanted to bring him anyway. But, if we had had a bunch of friends and relatives who had young kids we would have planned a different sort of wedding and had kids there. We just didn't at the time. Certainly babies would have been welcome.

I think people can have whatever sort of party they want and if they don't want kids fine, no need to be offended. I am also of the thinking that an invitation is just that, an invitation not a requirement of attendance and I wasn't offended by anyone who didn't accept the invite for whatever reason.

I think having a weekend of activities wedding would necessitate the inclusion of kids or exclusion of everyone with kids. Why a bbq wouldn't include kids I can't imagine. We were invited to a wedding like this last year, the invite was addressed to the 3 of us, but I sent the bride an email just to confirm DD was invited. I'd call the couple and ask, it doesn't need to be uncomfortable.
post #46 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by Savoury View Post
I tend to boycott events my children are not welcome at.
Why? I honestly don't understand what the issue is with an adult event being adults. Some events are for families; some events are for adults. It isn't personal; it isn't that they don't want your particular children there but all other children are ok.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Savory
DH even said he doesn't want to go to them anymore if his entire family cannot come. They can choose not to welcome our wonderful wel-behaved children. We can choose not to go.
Are there ever family events? Kid birthday parties or egg hunts or bbqs? If so, why begrudge something they'd like to be formal/quiet/insert whatever here. My kids are what I'd consider well-behaved too. But that doesn't mean that everyone has to include them in their wedding.

Quote:
Originally Posted by phathui5 View Post
I would call your cousin and explain that the baby isn't old enough to be away from you and ask if there are any events that weekend that you could attend with the baby.
This is what I'd do too. Not the maid of honor or the mother of the bride, but the bride. Go right to the top and find out. I wouldn't assume if it means you won't go.
post #47 of 140
Thread Starter 

an update to our situation....

Quote:
Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom View Post
Well, firstly, don't make a decision based on "it appears that...". Make sure you have a clear understanding. Who knows, maybe they'd be willing to have the baby at some of the other stuff besides the actual wedding.

It is their wedding, so their choice. Whether you go or not is your choice. For me, I would understand and respect the desire for a child-free wedding, and expect that they would understand and respect my refusal to leave my kiddos. I'd send a nice gift and a card, but not attend.

I am totally with you on it's their wedding, their choice, but they are making it sound as if it is a privledge to attend. It is a definite that she is not invited, however, there is a child on the bride's side coming from out of state as well and they are going (also a cousin). So they should understand if we don't want to do. However, when I asked if my cousin could email me a time that would be good for him so we could talk....this is the response I got:

Regarding the care of DD while you attend the wedding: To state this clearly, DD will not be allowed at the Welcome Party on Friday night or the Wedding and Reception on Saturday. She is allowed for the Brunch on Sunday, but that's it. I'm going to talk with a friend of ours who is bring her parents to the area in order to have them care for their daughter who is even younger than yours. There may be another couple doing the same thing and I'll ask them as well. Otherwise, we may be able to ask Sarah's Mom for a recommendation in the area, since they live there.

What times would you need help? You have all the dates and times, so please let me know, so I can ask what the commitment would be for.

peace,
Marc

Let me state this clearly: I do not leave my daughter in the care of anyone else except myself or my husband...(with the exception of my parents who are attending the wedding). We are inseparable out of necessity because she is breastfeeding exclusively....so if her presence isn't "allowed" then neither is mine. My parents as well as my aunt is up in arms about it, I think it is the bride...I understand it's their day....however....if she were to cause any sort of disturbance, we would leave....I know the bride is high maintenance, and I feel bad for my cousin, but seriously, I'm sure they have more to worry about than a baby. The letter he wrote is rude...and I am waiting to respond because I was so blown away....all I asked was for a time to talk to explain to him what we were thinking of doing. I think that we may just opt out...and not give them the "privledge" of our presence. It's embarassing to think I even have family like this. We are going to a wedding on my husbands side 2 weeks before this one and they are soooo excited to meet our daughter and I would frankly rather spend the money on traveling to that one.

Did I mention it's a 4th of july wedding? that's a whole other story...probably so my cousin wouldn't forget their anniversary cause he's high as the sky all the time....

ok, i will get back soon with some updates! all these comments have helped....i do understand both sides, but with the letter he wrote, it's totally rude....can't wait for them to have kids!
post #48 of 140
Wow. I'd just opt out. There's something about that email that really rubs me the wrong way.
post #49 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by eclipse View Post
Wow. I'd just opt out. There's something about that email that really rubs me the wrong way.
Yeah...it didn't come across as rude, exactly, but...it would definitely rub me the wrong way.
post #50 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gaia's Mama View Post
ok, i will get back soon with some updates! all these comments have helped....i do understand both sides, but with the letter he wrote, it's totally rude....can't wait for them to have kids!
WOW. I wouldn't go at all after that garbage.
post #51 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gaia's Mama View Post
I am totally with you on it's their wedding, their choice, but they are making it sound as if it is a privledge to attend. It is a definite that she is not invited, however, there is a child on the bride's side coming from out of state as well and they are going (also a cousin). So they should understand if we don't want to do. However, when I asked if my cousin could email me a time that would be good for him so we could talk....this is the response I got:

Regarding the care of DD while you attend the wedding: To state this clearly, DD will not be allowed at the Welcome Party on Friday night or the Wedding and Reception on Saturday. She is allowed for the Brunch on Sunday, but that's it. I'm going to talk with a friend of ours who is bring her parents to the area in order to have them care for their daughter who is even younger than yours. There may be another couple doing the same thing and I'll ask them as well. Otherwise, we may be able to ask Sarah's Mom for a recommendation in the area, since they live there.

What times would you need help? You have all the dates and times, so please let me know, so I can ask what the commitment would be for.

peace,
Marc

Let me state this clearly: I do not leave my daughter in the care of anyone else except myself or my husband...(with the exception of my parents who are attending the wedding). We are inseparable out of necessity because she is breastfeeding exclusively....so if her presence isn't "allowed" then neither is mine. My parents as well as my aunt is up in arms about it, I think it is the bride...I understand it's their day....however....if she were to cause any sort of disturbance, we would leave....I know the bride is high maintenance, and I feel bad for my cousin, but seriously, I'm sure they have more to worry about than a baby. The letter he wrote is rude...and I am waiting to respond because I was so blown away....all I asked was for a time to talk to explain to him what we were thinking of doing. I think that we may just opt out...and not give them the "privledge" of our presence. It's embarassing to think I even have family like this. We are going to a wedding on my husbands side 2 weeks before this one and they are soooo excited to meet our daughter and I would frankly rather spend the money on traveling to that one.

Did I mention it's a 4th of july wedding? that's a whole other story...probably so my cousin wouldn't forget their anniversary cause he's high as the sky all the time....

ok, i will get back soon with some updates! all these comments have helped....i do understand both sides, but with the letter he wrote, it's totally rude....can't wait for them to have kids!
WOW OP, your cousin sounds like a major UA violation! His response is soooo rude. We welcomed kids at our wedding, I love kids and would never exclude them. I would not go and tell them why. Don't be rude about it, just a simple Dear Cousin,
Since you stated that DD is not allowed to be at x and y events then unfortunately we will not be able to attend. DD is an exclusively nursing baby and is at this time too young to be separated from me for such extended periods of time. I understand that other friends/relatives attending the wedding are getting sitters for their babies, but that is not something we are comfortable with at this time and we need to do what is right for our family. Congratulations and have a wonderful wedding!!

IF you feel like you need to go, I would arrange it so DH watches the baby, you attend each event for an hour or so and that is it. I would also tell them ahead of time that this is your plan and why you need to do this - exclusively nursing baby.

I get you OP, I really do. When DD was 18 months old we got invited to a wedding. It was 3 hours from where we live and 45 mins from where the bride and groom lived - sort of a destination wedding, it was near nothing/nobody. It was on a Friday afternoon at 4 pm, so for us to get a sitter our options were - ask one of the grandparents (who each lived 2 hours away from the wedding) to take the day off a work to watch DD and then us be away from her for approx 8 hours, or hire a stranger to entertain her in a hotel room for 5 hours. Sorry, not going to happen. It was like they invited us but made it impossible for us to attend. It was a former coworker of DH's and honestly I wish they would have never invited us in the 1st place. When I emailed her to ask if DD could come she told me no and that even her own nephews weren't attending. : What is that about? That sucks for them too then....I would never exclude family just because they were under a certain age.

And to the poster who said her son was not invited to his grandma's wedding that is just majorly messed up!
post #52 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by eclipse View Post
Wow. I'd just opt out. There's something about that email that really rubs me the wrong way.

: Especially the "she is allowed to the brunch, but that's it."

So sorry that you're dealing with this, Gaia's Mama. In your shoes, I'd probably opt out entirely, or maybe just go to the brunch (and bring a gift, of course) if it's not too far away for a day trip.
post #53 of 140
That would pretty much seal the deal for me. No way would I be attending. I'm not all that interested in attending a brunch with a bunch of hung over people but that's just me.
post #54 of 140
Their wedding, their choice. Ask them clearly what events the baby can attend and politely decline any that will cause you issue. Quite simple.
post #55 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by snoopy5386 View Post
It was like they invited us but made it impossible for us to attend. It was a former coworker of DH's and honestly I wish they would have never invited us in the 1st place.
It was an UNvitation
post #56 of 140
After an email like that, I definitely wouldn't attend. I love the odd child free function myself, but the whole three day wedding thing combined with the attitude would put me completely off. I'd send a modest gift and call it done.
post #57 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by Justthatgirl View Post
I think it's really arrogant and snotty to have a no babies/children rule.
We didn't have kids at our wedding.

1) There was going to be alcohol (which I didn't want period but my family thought that I HAD to have it because people expected it) and I don't think that type of environment (free liquor all night) sets a good example for kids.

2) I wanted to enjoy my wedding without worrying about if some child was going to fall off the boat.

If someone didn't want to come because of that, I really wouldn't have cared. Now that might sound arrogant but that's not my intention. I just don't get that worked up about weddings as to me it wasn't about who was there, it was about that commitment we were making.

So our decision wasn't arrogant or snotty, it was a preference.
post #58 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
I would call whoever is organizing these events (mother of the bride? Maid of honor?) and clarify whether or not the baby is welcome at any or all of the weekend's events.

If baby's welcome at the informal events but not the wedding itself, It would be perfectly reasonable to come for the "wedding weekend"(if baby's welcome at those) and skip the wedding itself (or just send DH to the wedding while you stay in a hotel room with the baby). If the baby isn't welcome at ANY of the wedding-related events, I'd politely decline the invitation. Baby isn't ready to be away from you yet, period.
:
post #59 of 140
I would clarify that the baby is not invited to any of the festivities over the entire weekend first. If that is true, find out how they want you to reply to the invitation if you, your partner and your parents will all be rotating in and out of the event.
post #60 of 140
Send a gift and stay home. It sounds like it has the potential to be a drama filled event. If you feel guilty about not going, spend a bit more on a gift. It's easier to justify giving a spendier gift when you aren't paying travel expenses. :-)
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