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Baby not invited to wedding?? - Page 4

post #61 of 140
I agree with other posters, that after getting that email clarification, it would be best to not go. I especially didn't like the comment your cousin made referring to 'other people with even younger babies are arranging childcare'. That just comes off as negatively judging your parenting choices.
post #62 of 140
Ooh, ooh, I know! Stay home but send them parenting books for a wedding present! And a sling!

But I'm bad that way...

I actually wouldn't do that - but it would be funny...
post #63 of 140
You see, it just depends what the bride and groom want for their wedding, we've just received invites to a fantastic wedding in Paris, and our kids were invited and then they phoned us to make sure the kids would be there - strange how folk are so different!

After that email I'd just stay home - they'll be other times that you'll be able to go to a wedding with your dd, and by the way I'd get a gift for them - but I wouldn't go out of my way to get something expensive etc, if they say no kids/babies then they need to mean it and not just make exceptions for the privileged few - that would annoy me!
post #64 of 140
Originally Posted by Gaia's Mama View Post
I am totally with you on it's their wedding, their choice, but they are making it sound as if it is a privledge to attend. It is a definite that she is not invited, however, there is a child on the bride's side coming from out of state as well and they are going (also a cousin). So they should understand if we don't want to do. However, when I asked if my cousin could email me a time that would be good for him so we could talk....this is the response I got:

Regarding the care of DD while you attend the wedding: To state this clearly, DD will not be allowed at the Welcome Party on Friday night or the Wedding and Reception on Saturday. She is allowed for the Brunch on Sunday, but that's it. I'm going to talk with a friend of ours who is bring her parents to the area in order to have them care for their daughter who is even younger than yours. There may be another couple doing the same thing and I'll ask them as well. Otherwise, we may be able to ask Sarah's Mom for a recommendation in the area, since they live there.

What times would you need help? You have all the dates and times, so please let me know, so I can ask what the commitment would be for.


Let me state this clearly: I do not leave my daughter in the care of anyone else except myself or my husband...(with the exception of my parents who are attending the wedding). We are inseparable out of necessity because she is breastfeeding exclusively....so if her presence isn't "allowed" then neither is mine. My parents as well as my aunt is up in arms about it, I think it is the bride...I understand it's their day....however....if she were to cause any sort of disturbance, we would leave....I know the bride is high maintenance, and I feel bad for my cousin, but seriously, I'm sure they have more to worry about than a baby. The letter he wrote is rude...and I am waiting to respond because I was so blown away....all I asked was for a time to talk to explain to him what we were thinking of doing. I think that we may just opt out...and not give them the "privledge" of our presence. It's embarassing to think I even have family like this. We are going to a wedding on my husbands side 2 weeks before this one and they are soooo excited to meet our daughter and I would frankly rather spend the money on traveling to that one.

Did I mention it's a 4th of july wedding? that's a whole other story...probably so my cousin wouldn't forget their anniversary cause he's high as the sky all the time....

ok, i will get back soon with some updates! all these comments have helped....i do understand both sides, but with the letter he wrote, it's totally rude....can't wait for them to have kids!
I don't think he was being rude, just very very dense.

It sounds like he misunderstood your email to him and thought tthat you wanted to ask at what times babysitters were available.

Originally Posted by Justthatgirl View Post
I went to a wedding when my ds was 7 mos old. NO children or babies were invited AT ALL. The bride had told me yes on more than one occasion. Her mother called me the day of (or the day before?) the wedding and told me I couldn't bring him. I hemmed & hawed about it for the longest time before making my decision.
The mother of the bride was extremely rude, but also overstepped her authority. If the bride has told you that you can bring the baby, then you can bring him.

When DS was a baby, we were invited to a party. Shortly before said party, a mutual friend called me and told me it was an adult event and DS couldn't come. I called the host and he said DS was still welcome. I took DS.

Originally Posted by beansmama View Post
.a friends kid (not quite 2) even threw a ball at me during "the dance" that landed in my bustle and I couldn't get it out until the end.
OK, I gotta ask...

Where did he get the ball from?
post #65 of 140
OP- I would stay home and save yourself the trouble of planning a rotating schedule. I do like the idea of parenting books and a sling as a present though! And yes, I would do something like that in a heartbeat.

I just have to say that I really don't get weddings/family functions that exclude children, but that is probably b/c in my family, the kids are it! Once you have them no one pays you the slightest bit of attention unless it's to ask "Where is DD?" I know that if this baby chose to come this week, my aunt and cousin would be thrilled to have him/her at my cousin's wedding next Sat. DD is going to have a ball playing with her cousin's all weekend!
post #66 of 140
I would decline to go to anything but the ceremony and have dh watch the baby if you want to put in an appearance.
Did you want to go the the wedding ceremony? It doesn't sound like you really want to so I'd just send your regrets and best wishes and have a lovely 4th of July weekend elsewhere.

I think your cousin is not so much rude as he does not understand.
post #67 of 140
I don't think he was trying to be rude. I think the most likely scenario is that they made it clear no children were invited and every person with kids who was invited has contacted them explaining why they will be an exception to the rule. You may be the 10th person that day he had to remind to honor his wishes for HIS wedding.

I wish I would have had a no kids rule at my wedding. Everyone who brought their's seemed to think because they were in a room full of people at the reception they no longer needed to watch their children. *I* was having to chase other people's kids through the resort in my wedding gown and escort them back to the reception ballroom.
post #68 of 140
I would not go. Not to prove any sort of "point" but just because it does not sound feasible for you and really just not worth the effort.

I think child-free events are just fine. I have always thought babies in arms were the exception but obviously some people do not know this. There are all sorts of reasons to have child-free weddings. I had one. Part because I was clueless but also because we got married right out of college and about half of the guests were in college or recent grads. It was going to be a drunkfest reunion and I was not comfortable with children being in the mix. Children were welcome at the wedding ceremony itself and the few people that approached us with childcare issues were informed of that the reception was going to be like (no kids food, boring, drunken people, late at night, etc....) and then allowed to make their own call. A few babies who would not be toddling around and in danger of being trampled did come. We also provided sitters although I understood even then that for very young children, that was iffy for most parents.

We have sat out many weddings and other events due to child care issues. Even now, I am not at all comfortable with a stranger watching my child. I just had to miss the wedding of a very close friend (dh was in the wedding party) because it was out of town and kids were not allowed. When i say out of town, I mean across the country. We have no one to leave dd with for a trip and although they provided "licensed child care providers" I knew I was not going to be OK leaving her with anyone I did not know and trust. I was sad to miss it and they were disappointed. But I did make it very clear I had no hard feelings and that they should not do anything special to accommodate us. Dd is very well behaved and has a lot of adult friends. She has been invited to stuff that other kids were not. That is even more awkward as the other parents are wondering why their kids were left out. Better to just skip it. Adult-only events are pretty rare and it is not a big deal IMO.

And when it works out, I really enjoy occasionally attending something where I do not have to witness a late-night-I-am-so-tired-tantrum or watch chicken finger and catsup artwork in creation. Just like kids sometimes like to have parties where they do not have to listen to discussion about the stock market or eat endive
post #69 of 140
So, for a three-day-long event, three hours away, the baby is only welcome for a small amount of time on the last day of it?

I'd say no, especially where you're not comfortable leaving her with anybody. They can deal with it. As a previous poster mentioned, do you really want to go and end up feeling resentful? Not my idea of a good time.
post #70 of 140
This thread is giving me deja-vu.

Originally Posted by betsyj View Post
Oh dear. Really? I find this attitude upsetting because it suggests your kids are more important somehow then the bride. And to you of course they are-but a wedding is about the bride, not about your kids, and she gets to choose who she wants to come to her wedding.
Yep. Well, I think it's about the bride AND the groom, but in any case it is NOT about the invited guests.

Originally Posted by Justthatgirl View Post
What I find upsetting about it (no babies/kids) is the lack of consideration for a nursing infant. Under 12 mos and nursing, IMO, should be a free pass.

Obviously not everyone agrees, but that's my opinion.
I doubt they planned their wedding around you and your child's needs, you know? Sometimes the timing just doesn't work out. Honestly, why should they consider you* at all, unless you are a very close relative/ friend/ integral part of the wedding? I'm sure at least some other guests will have to decline because some personal issue or need isn't going to gibe with the timing of the wedding. They bride and groom don't owe anyone any special considerations. It might be KINDER if they did, but they don't want to go the kid route and they are well within their rights to make that decision at their own wedding.

* general "you," not YOU!

Just don't go.
post #71 of 140
you know what rubs me wrong....I have been thinking about this. It is the word "allowed", there are many nicer ways of saying kid free or kids are welcome without using the word allowed, that is what makes it rude. And yeah, no kids at a welcome dinner, what a big welcome that is! The only part of a wedding I could see excluding kids from is the ceremony. That's it. A rehearsal dinner? Who cares? The reception - out of a 100 other guests how are a few kids going to bother you? I would be more worried about drunk adults. And for those who say their reception was a drunkfest - well in that case, by the time it got to that point (I would assume it would take at least a couple of hours) I would take my kids and leave - heck I would leave anyways, that is not my scene ever.
post #72 of 140
I agree that "allowed" isn't a nice word, but then people don't always follow it. Here at MDC we've had mom say they were bringing children even though the children weren't invited. If they're really serious about not wanting children there, they probably do need to be very specific and explicit about that. I can't think of a nice way to say it and be very specific and explicit.
post #73 of 140
Ya know... a lot of times people send invites to people they know won't be able to attend (and no, it isn't just for a gift) - because NOT to invite them would be taken as an affront. Heck, maybe they invited Great-Aunt Hildegaard who is wheelchair-bound on oxygen living in Outer Mongolia! Is she likely to attend? No. Would it be rude to not invite her? Yes.

The long and the short of it is - it is THEIR wedding. THEY can set whatever rules they like. You can either abide by them, or not attend. It really IS that simple.

And yeah - you're probably the 10th or 15th person asking him the same thing. It gets old. No kids = No kids. Not a difficult concept, IMO. I'd be testy, too. I already am, and I'm not even getting married!
post #74 of 140
I admit I didn't read all the posts.....
I am coming from a wedding coordinator's perspective: you should talk to the bride directly. Try not to pressure her, but ask what events can baby come to. Most brides do not want them loud during the ceremony, but don't mind the reception. Some brides want an adult-alcohol atmosphere at their reception and don't want them there either. My guess is the BBQ would be fine, since the baby will not cost more. People spend tons of money and time on weddings, so you have to respect their wishes.
I NEVER leave my 11 month old baby with a sitter, so I am with you on that one!
post #75 of 140
Yeah, definitely clarify with your cousin which events babies/children are invited to and then make whatever plans you are comfortable with. While I think weddings are infinitely more fun with kids, not everyone agrees with me and I respect that they should do their wedding their way (I certainly did mine the way I wanted). But the flip side is if you do leave out babies/children from an event, then some parents will choose not to attend at all or attend less time or whatever because they have to do what works for their family.

But yeah, make it a no pressure conversation, just that you want to clarify the situation so you can figure out your plan.
post #76 of 140
I've attended two adult-only weddings where exceptions were made for a few children of complaining parents--one for nursing, the other for lack-of-babysitter. The nursing infant wailed the entire ceremony. It was in a chapel, so there was no where to take the baby but outside in the cold, so everyone just had to deal. On top of that, the baby spit-up all over the bride's back at the reception--in her hair and everything.

But that was nothing compared to my friend who allowed one of her husband's relatives to bring her three-year old boy after the mother made a major deal out of the "no kids" rule. My friend's wedding was a formal, evening event. The little boy spent the ceremony running up and down the lobby outside the sanctuary screaming at the top of his lungs. At the reception, he went around punching everyone in the leg (or worse for some of the men). The icing on the cake (so to speak) was when it was time to cut the cake, and they discovered that he had poked holes all over the fondant frosting with his finger and broken the head off of the groomsman cake-topper--which was a family heirloom. When my friend got upset, the mother accused her of "hating children."

Kids don't belong everywhere--not at punk rock shows, not at David Mamet plays, and not at adult-only parties, which is what your cousins wedding is. Be cool--send your regrets and a gift.
post #77 of 140
Based on the response email, I'd stay away. If it were just the ceremony that was adults-only, I'd be telling you the opposite - go and have your dh watch your dd at the hotel so you can see you cousin get married! It is really is OK to want a solemn, dignified, uninterrupted religious ceremony.

But multiple child-free parties over the course of a weekend where the kids of the out-of-towners are not welcome? Rude rude rude rude rude. Clueless, immature and rude.

And you cousin's email? Super-rude.
post #78 of 140
Originally Posted by Snuzzmom View Post
Honestly, why should they consider you* at all, unless you are a very close relative/ friend/ integral part of the wedding?
ummm....seriously? I honestly can't imagine thinking this way. If I care enough about someone to invite them to my wedding, and am willing to ask them to give up their time to help me celebrate, and their money to get me a gift (and, let's face it, no matter what the etiquette books say about it being poor etiquette to expect a gift, we all know that a guest is going to buy one, or feel like crap), then I think some consideration of their circumstances is in order. Why should I, as the bride, consider them at all? Wow - no wonder the Bridezilla phenomenon is so widespread.

I definitely wouldn't attend the wedding after the email. I don't think he misunderstood at all. That came across as "no kids, and you're making a big deal out of this when it doesn't have to be - see - here are some potential childcare arrangements". Of course, I tend to skip adult-only events, anyway...I tended not to enjoy them, even before I had kids (which is interesting, as I wasn't a big "kid person" - just liked the family vibe better than the "adult only" vibe).
post #79 of 140
What I mean is, they can't realistically consider the special needs that every guest might have. They can't go through and say, "Well, X's baby is due around then, and Y is having surgery the week after..." They are timing their wedding based on their needs, not the needs of their guests. It has nothing to do with being a Bridezilla (or Groomzilla), it's logisitcs. You invite (for instance) 200 people, you're not going to call each one and see which dates work best for them based on the events in their lives.

ETA But you might if you really wanted a specific person to be *part of* the wedding, not just attend.
post #80 of 140
Someone who has a baby isn't about what dates work for them. A baby is a full-time part of someone's life.

I don't know. I thought about the circumstances of my guests from out of town. I wanted them to be there (can't imagine why I'd invite them if I didn't?), and people who have to travel obviously have to consider things that locals don't have to think about...
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