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Baby not invited to wedding?? - Page 5

post #81 of 140
Well, you and I know that, but they don't have kids and for all we know no experience with them. I'm just pointing out that not everyone thinks the way you might, or that I might. Technically they DON'T have an obligation to anyone else.
post #82 of 140
If you're not willing to leave your DD with someone, then you have no choice but not to attend anything but the brunch. Although, I don't think it's worth the drive to go to the wedding brunch. I believe in respecting invitations, and if it says no kids, it means no kids.
post #83 of 140
It's a bit of a sore subject but from an etiquette point of view and a bride's point of view here goes:

As the person who is hosting the event (and let's not forget the stress that goes into planning a wedding) they have the 100% right to dictate policy be it good bad or ugly.

Let's also remember that while we look upon our children with eyes that see them only as angels not mattter what, the rest of the general public, or family, or what have you, might not. That means that the idea of a baby at a wedding ceremony... that might suddenly begin wailing for whatever reason is one of those frankly, perfectly valid reasons for a couple not to want a baby at their wedding. This is THIER day. They only get one.

We did not invite children to our wedding for a number of reasons. Some people got sitters, some people declined the invite. I understood the reson that some did not come.

Now that I'm a mom? Rules don't change. If we had been invited to a wedding when DS was a BFing 24/7 infant where children were not welcome, we would have declined the invite, not expect the hosts to make exceptions for us or us feel sour about it. And now that DS is older I fully have ZERO problem with adult only parties. We just get a sitter or still, decline if the occasion is not realistic for us.
post #84 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by BarnMomma View Post
It's a bit of a sore subject but from an etiquette point of view and a bride's point of view here goes:

As the person who is hosting the event (and let's not forget the stress that goes into planning a wedding) they have the 100% right to dictate policy be it good bad or ugly.

Let's also remember that while we look upon our children with eyes that see them only as angels not mattter what, the rest of the general public, or family, or what have you, might not.
I always find this sentiment funny. I didn't personally invite any angels to either of my weddings. I don't know any - adult or child. IME, this whole debate has little to do with parents of nurslings thinking their children are angels.

Quote:
That means that the idea of a baby at a wedding ceremony... that might suddenly begin wailing for whatever reason is one of those
I see this point, or variations of it, made every time one of these threads come up. If I had a friend or relative who I believed would be too inconsiderate to take their wailing baby out of earshot, I wouldn't invite them at all...with or without their child.

Quote:
Now that I'm a mom? Rules don't change. If we had been invited to a wedding when DS was a BFing 24/7 infant where children were not welcome, we would have declined the invite, not expect the hosts to make exceptions for us or us feel sour about it.
I actually completely agree with this, but it does go both ways. There have been many stories here (and elsewhere) of brides and grooms feeling slighted because someone declined an invitation that didn't include their children. It's annoying when the consideration is only expected to go one way.
post #85 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by momeg View Post
The nursing infant wailed the entire ceremony. It was in a chapel, so there was no where to take the baby but outside in the cold, so everyone just had to deal. On top of that, the baby spit-up all over the bride's back at the reception--in her hair and everything.

But that was nothing compared to my friend who allowed one of her husband's relatives to bring her three-year old boy after the mother made a major deal out of the "no kids" rule. My friend's wedding was a formal, evening event. The little boy spent the ceremony running up and down the lobby outside the sanctuary screaming at the top of his lungs. At the reception, he went around punching everyone in the leg (or worse for some of the men). The icing on the cake (so to speak) was when it was time to cut the cake, and they discovered that he had poked holes all over the fondant frosting with his finger and broken the head off of the groomsman cake-topper--which was a family heirloom. When my friend got upset, the mother accused her of "hating children."
OMG! I am livid and I don't even know these people! How painfully rude. But not surprising. To me, the respectful thing to do (whether it is how WE personally believe a wedding should be or not) is to leave kids at home if THAT IS WHAT THE INVITATION STATED. The parents in the above two examples were rude to bring their kids and rude to let those kids ruin the ceremony and reception.

In the first example, I'd expect one of the baby's parents to take their crying infant out to the car, turn the car on - with heater, and drive around if the noise of the car was disruptive to the chapel. And in the second example, if the parents didn't control their kid I'd tell them to leave or expect someone else to take over since they weren't supervising or disciplining their little terror. Unreal. Cannot get over how selfish the parents in that example are.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rhiandmoi View Post
I believe in respecting invitations, and if it says no kids, it means no kids.
Thank you! (And I had kids at my wedding and reception. Didn't really want them at the ceremony but didn't want to offend. And yes, I've been to weddings with wailing kids and the parent doesn't take them out. I throw continued "what are you DOING?" glances, but those type of parents never take the hint. Had gaggles of kids at our shower, rehearsal dinner, and reception - which all went fine. But I TOTALLY understand not wanting kids at the ceremony or kids with useless parents at any part of the wedding. Our job is to WATCH OUR KIDS. To keep them safe, and to keep them from causing a problem for others. Juniors right to holler isn't more important than the bride having a wedding that the rest of the people there (who either parent their children or make other arrangements) can hear.
post #86 of 140
I haven't read all the posts but I thought I'd chime in with a thought: whatever you do, do it graciously and kindly and politely.

If you don't go, don't be huffy or indignant about it. You'll regret it later (let's just say I know from experience).

Brides lose all perspective. Families spend ridiculous amounts of money on weddings. Expectations run very, very high. Honestly, as a new mother I lost all perspective, too.

So just do your best for yourself and your baby, and if you have to celebrate with your cousin and the new family member later in some other way, enjoy that, too. Or find a way to go, leave early, and wish the bride and groom well.
post #87 of 140
Honestly, just decline. If it was a relative of your husband's, then just he could go, or if it were close enough, you could leave your husband with the kids at a local mall or diner with the kids while you went to ceremony and a quick hello at the reception. I wouldn't make a deal of it with the bride though.

I've been invited to... I guess it's something like 8 weddings since DD was born 5 years ago. 1 without a kid at all, but she was like 2, and an only child at that point. I went to 4 the kids were welcome at. I declined 1-2 outright; distance, no kids welcome. I went to one where DH stayed at a mall with the kids nearby for about 2.5 hours. And one where my parents watched DD in the same hotel where the wedding was. I think the most fun were actually the one sans kids and with in-hotel childcare. The worst was the DH at the mall one, but that was drastically affected by my PPD and fear of crowds and the fact that I had to go all alone.
post #88 of 140
just politely decline.

dh & i have a rule- "if we all can't go- no one goes".... its just the way we live. our friends have adjusted & gotten used to it.

wedding, funeral, whatever. we do not leave our kids with anyone but each other. its just not an option.

its okay to not go, and to be honest & polite.
post #89 of 140
The note seems a little terse, but we did not invite children to our wedding, other than those in the wedding party, and I quickly got sick of explaining that there would be no exceptions. Only two people asked me to make an exception, but one was particularly persistent about it and had spoken to other relatives about how she felt her children were being slighted. When I finally spoke to her it was in a similar tone as was used in that email. It is really irritating to be put in the position of telling someone that they wont make an exception for you. It is rude to put someone in that position. If you don't want to leave your child with a sitter, just don't go. There will be plenty of events where your child will be welcome.
post #90 of 140
Wanted to add my voice to the chorus of "politely declines." My cousin invited us to her super-formal, adults only Christmastime wedding several years ago when my child was 4 months old. They were a little shocked when we declined, and called to find out if maybe we could get a babysitter or something. Well, my entire family was attending the wedding so no one was free to babysit, and they certainly weren't free to breastfeed my child!

My cousin had her first baby a year ago, she is breastfeeding, and she actually called me to apologize for being annoyed that we couldn't attend her wedding. She gets it now.

They really can't understand yet, but that's not your problem. Just pleasantly abide by their "no child" rule and send a nice gift.
post #91 of 140
I just read most of the thread and I do think Dear Cousin needed some help phrasing his e-mail.

A "we'd love to see the baby, and she'd be more than welcome at the brunch." would go a long way.

I do bet he had more than one person try to win a dispensation, and may find it frustrating to fend off petitioners.

I've declined so many weddings I've lost count. The reasons have varied from "I can't really afford to fly to Morocco with 4 kids over Christmas" to "I've never liked you Cousin Paulie" to "I've just started a new job and can't take a four day weekend." to "I'm in labor, sorry for the short notice".

As much as I know I am loved, I also know my absence didn't take anything away from the couple's big day. Decline with all the charm you can muster, send a whopper of a gift if you can afford it, and enjoy the 4th with DH and the baby. Just don't forget to invite cousin Paulie and his bride to your Christmas party. I know they are just dying to hold the baby!
post #92 of 140
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~ View Post
I agree with other posters, that after getting that email clarification, it would be best to not go. I especially didn't like the comment your cousin made referring to 'other people with even younger babies are arranging childcare'. That just comes off as negatively judging your parenting choices.
THanks, that's what I thought, I wouldn't have minded if it was said in a more respectful manner, but it's plain outright rude. I really can't wait until he is a parent, I haven't yet responded to the email, I don't think I even want to.
post #93 of 140
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kirsten View Post
Ooh, ooh, I know! Stay home but send them parenting books for a wedding present! And a sling!

But I'm bad that way...

I actually wouldn't do that - but it would be funny...
That is actually a really awesome idea!!

I think I might : )
post #94 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gaia's Mama View Post
THanks, that's what I thought, I wouldn't have minded if it was said in a more respectful manner, but it's plain outright rude. I really can't wait until he is a parent, I haven't yet responded to the email, I don't think I even want to.
I don't think you have to respond to the email. Or just send back something super short: "Just wanted you to know I received your e-mail regarding no children or infants at the wedding. Sincerely, [name]." Then just return the RSVP form with "Regretfully our family will not be able to attend." He was rude, no reason to perpetuate it.
post #95 of 140
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by suziek View Post
I just read most of the thread and I do think Dear Cousin needed some help phrasing his e-mail.

A "we'd love to see the baby, and she'd be more than welcome at the brunch." would go a long way.

I do bet he had more than one person try to win a dispensation, and may find it frustrating to fend off petitioners.

I've declined so many weddings I've lost count. The reasons have varied from "I can't really afford to fly to Morocco with 4 kids over Christmas" to "I've never liked you Cousin Paulie" to "I've just started a new job and can't take a four day weekend." to "I'm in labor, sorry for the short notice".

As much as I know I am loved, I also know my absence didn't take anything away from the couple's big day. Decline with all the charm you can muster, send a whopper of a gift if you can afford it, and enjoy the 4th with DH and the baby. Just don't forget to invite cousin Paulie and his bride to your Christmas party. I know they are just dying to hold the baby!


I really appreciate your support. As far as the email, yes, I am fine with and respect that they don't want her there, but he could probably be a little more tactful in letting us know!
post #96 of 140
I wouldnt go and they wouldnt get a gift from me...but I'm a jerk like that
post #97 of 140
I would respectfully decline, and send a card or something.

I got married this past Christmas Eve, it was a tiny family-only ceremony and of course kids were invited, our son was 11 months old at the time and, in fact, kids probably made up 1/3 of the guest list. It would have been awesome, the kids were playing together afterwards and having a ball.

Except...
As I was downstairs getting ready, 5 minutes before the ceremony, the clerk came down and mentioned that one of the guests had brought a little boy who was quite ill. He was, apparently, vomiting everywhere, whiney, and begging to go to bed.
Turns out, my SIL's little guy (2 at the time) had a raging gastro bug. And since her husband was sick too, and their 7 month old baby, she decided to bring the kids with her to our freaking wedding so her husband could sleep :
This was a tiny wedding too, like 25 people/kids, so we were all at one huge table for dinner. He vomited all through the reception, people had to jump out of their chairs to dodge it at one point.

Long story short, everyone got sick. My brother and his wife ended up with the bug not 4 hours after the wedding was over. They had come all the way from the Bahamas for a family Christmas in snowy Canada, and couldn't even get out of bed to open their gifts the next day because they were so sick. It lasted the rest of their visit, it seriously sucked.

Looking back, though, if I could do it all over again I wouldn't not invite kids. I'd specify on the invitations that common sense was mandatory, though! But honestly, whereas before I might have been a bit grumpy at a 'no kids' rule, I can see it from both perspectives now. And I don't think I'd go to an event my children weren't invited too, but that's just me.
Hopefully you can find a way to work it out! Good luck!
post #98 of 140
I had a "no kids" policy for my wedding. And now with kids,I would have still done the same thing knowing what I know now. Our main reason was cutting costs (we had a small budget ever and it was hard enough to pay for the cake so we cut the kids out) and our reception site was ON the water so I was worried about drowning too.
Anyway, our biggest problem we were encountering IF we let the babies come is "why can so and so bring her baby but I can't bring my 1 year old (1 year olds don't eat much either)? Then why can so and so bring her only kid but mine is 8 and will behave ect? Then the "why can't I" started from everyone.
I'm assuming if you are going to be there for 3 days, you are getting a hotel? I would take turns watching the child and attend the function for an hour or 2 and leave for the day. If it is that impt, you can make your appearance,chat and eat a little then return back to your DC.
post #99 of 140
After reading the e-mail, I'd respond and just say that you won't be able to make it. OR just show up for the brunch on Sunday with the baby but for nothing else.
post #100 of 140
We had no kids under 10, except for my nephews who were 4, but they were in the wedding, and were watched like hawks. The reason we said no kids, was because there are tons of kids in the family and the parents do not closely supervise them at parties. And we had the wedding in a park with a lake and cactuses and stuff. The last thing we needed was a dead or injured kid due to poor supervision.

Even the kids over 10 disrupted the party several times because they were running around and pulled the plug on our lights.

So yeah, no kids.
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