How do you see this? Ignore, or tell my mom to shut it.

[eko_mom]

My mom keeps mentioning having my dd on a sleepover. This excites my daughter at 3 but I don't think she knows what it would really be like to be without me at night. She often thinks of it in terms of me and her would spend the night at grandma's. My mom and sister conjure these fantastic things that they would do if only Emma were "ready" to spend the night with them. She's not ready, because she still nurses to sleep and wakes to nurse. My mom has started framing the question of having a sleepover by saying, "Are you still having ninny? We can't have a sleepover until you're done with the ninny."

Most of these conversations are short, and I am usually surprised so I don't know what to say until its over and done. I also don't want to overreact in front of my daughter. But, I feel like its manipulative. Is it innocent or manipulative? My mom and sister are trying to be helpful? I don't feel that. I feel like they are trying to move around the fringes of my boundaries by addressing my dd directly. I've asked my sister not to talk to my dd about nursing at all a year ago after she blatantly and in front of me tried to tell my dd that she was too big and didn't need it.

The bottom line is that its my decision when my dd spends the night with them, not hers alone, as they are framing it to her. I've said this to dd, but want to know how others see the situation to give me the balls to confront my mom. We have a complex relationship where in one moment she'll be kind and helpful, and the next, do something that confuses me like this.

[ElliesMomma]

very manipulative.

watch out for your mom and your sister. how old is your sister, and is she still living with your mom?

hey, there's no reason why you and your daughter shouldn't have that sleepover *together* at your moms.

for them to force a separation and encourage her weaning is totally inappropriate and crosses a line as far as i'm concerned. i'd be very untrusting of what else they would try to do to drive a wedge between you and your daughter, if you let them do this.

my daughter is three, still nursing. no way would she be spending the night elsewhere. i'm pregnant and due in september. i found a hospital that will let her spend the night with my husband and i, and the new baby, together as a family. that's how serious i am about respecting her need for continuity and nursing to sleep.

to answer your question, if you ignore your mom's not so subtle manipulations, you risk allowing her to put a wedge between you and your daughter. if this were me, i'd definitely tell her to shut it, and tell her that if she doesn't, *she* will risk not seeing your daughter anymore. and then keep her away if it continues.

[lucifugous]

I agree! By the end of the first paragraph, I had all sorts of bells and whistles going off. It just sounds wrong. But I wouldn't have the first clue how to handle that! I think it's good that you have drawn the line with your sister and maybe the same thing with your mom would help? Good luck!

[TiredX2]

That is hard.

What do you think would happen if you were honest with your mom? As in, said something like, "Mom, I really appreciate that you love DD so much. She loves you too. But her not spending the night with you isn't all about nursing. She's just not ready for that step. Let's not bring it up for a while and I'll get back to you when I think she is ready" or something similar?

That said, both of my kids had sleepovers with my In-laws before they were weaned. DD when she was going on 3.5 and DS was younger. DS was still a frequent night nurser but even DD was still nursing to sleep, in the night & then in the morning. They both did great, but they were both ready and really really wanted to. I also felt good about letting them because I knew that my in-laws would call me if they woke and were inconsolable. Not necessarily true for your DD---you know that best--- but I think many kids can go for a night w/out nursing if mom isn't there before they are anywhere near ready to go *everynight* without nursing.

Related, but not exactly the same issue--- I would want your mom to stop implying that weaning should be a goal to DD. I would not want her to feel pressured to wean. It's a hard road to tread between doing what you know is "right" and maintaining good relationships with people who disagree.

Good luck!

[eko_mom]

Thanks for your replies. Especially those of you who strongly agree with me! My sister is 36 and does not live with my mom. She engages my dd in similar conversations about spending the night. That's unlikely to ever happen, though I have not said so, because they own a pit bull, smoke pot, and fight with one another. So, there, spending the night with her is not a matter of whether my dd is ready.

I feel that the basic issue is trust, and I don't trust my mom and sister to follow my desires, and yes, I do think that they mean, if only subconsciously to drive a wedge between my daughter and I. She might be ready to spend the night, one night. But, I'm not, because I don't trust them enough. There is this undercurrent, something along the lines of they feel its their duty to help her separate from me. They don't get AP at all. Even though, I've practiced it all along, and despite their warnings, she is individual, independent and happy. I guess it flies in the face of how they parented, so they think that to create their own relationship with dd they need to step in between dd and I. Its weird to the point that they are the only 2 people who just won't spend much time with dd if I am present.

I do need to say something. Obviously. How, or what, exactly, not so sure. Difficult, seeing more clearly one's own relationships for what they are, now that I have children of my own. Its like I wouldn't subject others to the treatment that I have become accustomed to...so much so, that I need to post on a discussion board to get validation about something that should be pretty obvious!

Tiredx2, you have a good, non-confrontational suggestion. (Like your location a lot too!)

Lucifigous--I am pregnant and due anytime now. We are having this baby at home, for many reasons, not the least of which is that I couldn't have dd spend the night with me at Kaiser where we live.

[sisteeesmama]

I will play a little devil's advocate, here.

My dd is 18mos. and she spends the night frequently at my mom's house.

My mom is a little like yours in that she does like the idea of fostering some independence in my dd. I don't fully trust my mom's parenting style, but I do trust that she loves my dd whole-heartedly and I have one condition, that she would call me if dd woke up crying and could not be consoled. My mom can't stand crying so I know she would not just let her cry ever. She also sleeps in the bed with dd which I like because thats what we do at home.

My dd loves it and it has made their bond stronger and no matter how my mom and I get along or more like don't get along, lol, I want my dd to have people that really love her in her life, more than me and her dad, y'know.

Of course you know what's best, no doubt there. Just another side to possibly consider

[yogafeet]

very manipulative.:

[alllyssa]

Just because your dd nurses to sleep and upon waking when she is with you doesn't mean that she can't stay the night w/ grandma or auntie! Many 3 year old nursing toddlers can happily go a night w/o nursing if they are in a different environment.

If you love and trust your mom and think that dd would have a great time at her house for the night, I would tell your mom you're willing to give it a try.

[eko_mom]

Good points. I like a quote from a book called Whole Child, Whole Parent that says learning to depend on other people is learning that mother is not the only source of good. If the other elements that make me uncomfortable weren't there, then, it would be easier. I'm big on trusting my gut and that is what is often unsettled in me, even if in each particular circumstance doesn't on the outside warrant it.

[MovingMomma]

Regardless of the sleepover situation, the comments your mother is making to your daughter are manipulative.

[Nillarilla]

Go with your gut. I ignored mine in a sleepover circumstance with my ds when he was just over 2. He was with my mom and something awful did happen. My mom loves my son wholeheartedly too and never meant for anything to happen but it did. I will never forgive myself for ignoring my mama's instinct.

[Ruthla]

There are a number of factors here.

One, as others have stated, being ready to spend the night at grandma's is different from being ready to wean. Some kids are ready for a night at grandma's before weaning. Others may wean before they're ready for a night at grandma's- especially if grandma isn't particularly nurturing.

Secondly, your mother and sister are being manipulative and disrespectful to both you and your DD. Those little comments, in your DD's earshot, can be very damaging to your nursing relationship. The only time such comments would be appropriate is if YOU initiated the weaning and asked for their support/assistance in making it smooth for DD.

If your mom was repeatedly making snide comments about weaning on the phone or in emails, I might say to ignore it. But when it happens in front of DD, it crosses a boundary. I'd suggest practicing what to say, so the next time your mom makes "one little comment" about weaning, you already know what to say, and you don't let it slide. If nothing else, DD will hear Grandma's comment along with yours, and be re-assured that it's OK to keep on nursing.

[sapphire_chan]

If the nursing thing is the only reason you don't think your dd is ready to sleep over at grandma's, then I think you should let her try.

If you have any concerns whatsoever about your mother's treatment of your dd, then address those specifically. Such as if you're worried that she'll shame your dd for nursing.

[alllyssa]

From what you wrote in the OP, it doesn't sound to me like your mom is manipulating you or your daughter at all. You are the one who said that your dd wasn't ready to stay the night because she's still nursing. Grandma, as a result of what you said, told dd that she couldn't stay the night until she was done nursing because this is what you said - right?

I'd say if your mom brings this up again, you could surprise her by being willing to give it a try. Lay out the back up plan if dd gets sad w/o you and be prepared to pick her up. Best case, dd will be fine and has a great time with grandma :-)

Good luck,

[philomom]

Originally Posted by yogafeet

very manipulative.:

Yes, I'd be livid.

[readytobedone]

Originally Posted by alllyssa

From what you wrote in the OP, it doesn't sound to me like your mom is manipulating you or your daughter at all. You are the one who said that your dd wasn't ready to stay the night because she's still nursing. Grandma, as a result of what you said, told dd that she couldn't stay the night until she was done nursing because this is what you said - right?

i kind of agree with this, actually

could be that your mom is being manipulative, or could be she just sees what she's saying as true. i don't think it is true (surely your DD could spend the night with her before she's weaned), but your mom might think it is.

my mom was surprised when i told her DD doesn't need to be weaned to spend the night away from me. she hasn't done an overnight with the grandparents yet, but on that count, i wouldn't be concerned about it.

i agree too with sapphire_chan that if you have other obstacles/concerns about letting DD stay with your mom, you should address those specifically. it will probably have to come up at some point or another why you never let your DD stay overnight, so why not nip it in the bud? JMO.

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by readytobedone

i agree too with sapphire_chan that if you have other obstacles/concerns about letting DD stay with your mom, you should address those specifically. it will probably have to come up at some point or another why you never let your DD stay overnight, so why not nip it in the bud? JMO.

Having read your last reply it looks like you actually have two different issues to deal with:

1) your mother encouraging weaning/demeaning your nursing relationship
and
2) the fact that you have no plans to allow DD to have sleepovers with her

If #2 is going to be long term (not just until she is "older" or something) it would be good for you to address it soon. Otherwise when DD does wean there is probably going to be a lot of antagonism and your mom feeling like you decieved her (thinking she *would* get a sleepover as soon as DD was weaned).

[OGirlieMama]

Originally Posted by alllyssa

From what you wrote in the OP, it doesn't sound to me like your mom is manipulating you or your daughter at all. You are the one who said that your dd wasn't ready to stay the night because she's still nursing. Grandma, as a result of what you said, told dd that she couldn't stay the night until she was done nursing because this is what you said - right?

I'd say if your mom brings this up again, you could surprise her by being willing to give it a try. Lay out the back up plan if dd gets sad w/o you and be prepared to pick her up. Best case, dd will be fine and has a great time with grandma :-)

Good luck,

I have to agree here. Unless your Mom has been disparaging of your nursing relationship in other situations, I wouldn't see this as some kind of evil plan to get your daughter to wean. If you gave the excuse that she's nursing, then maybe your mother and sister (how old is the sister, BTW?) just assume you're trying to get her to stop so you can have more freedom for sleepovers, etc. If you really don't want her to sleep at your Moms regardless of nursing, you're going to have to say that to your Mom and stop blaming the nursing.

[claddaghmom]

Oh dear I've said those things to my little sister. My mom has made no comment but now I have a different perspective lol. Although I did say it only b/c she kept asking about spending the night at my place.

[eko_mom]

Well, it seems like this thread has taken on a life of its own...

Alllysa said: From what you wrote in the OP, it doesn't sound to me like your mom is manipulating you or your daughter at all. You are the one who said that your dd wasn't ready to stay the night because she's still nursing. Grandma, as a result of what you said, told dd that she couldn't stay the night until she was done nursing because this is what you said - right?

Um, no. No one has ever asked me if my dd could spend the night, they have begun these conversations with my dd on their own and made assumptions about the reasons why its not happening. This is the manipulative part--approaching my daughter directly, and insinuating that nursing, something they already think has gone on too long, is the reason. It IS one of MY reasons, because I don't think she's ready to be without me all night long. The others have to do with trust and respect issues about my parenting style and them not matching up with how my mom and sister's.

So, I don't consider it a deception on my part. I do consider it avoidance.


OGirlieMama said, "I have to agree here. Unless your Mom has been disparaging of your nursing relationship in other situations, I wouldn't see this as some kind of evil plan to get your daughter to wean. If you gave the excuse that she's nursing, then maybe your mother and sister (how old is the sister, BTW?) just assume you're trying to get her to stop so you can have more freedom for sleepovers, etc. If you really don't want her to sleep at your Moms regardless of nursing, you're going to have to say that to your Mom and stop blaming the nursing."

I'm not blaming the nursing. I haven't said anything about why, since no one has actually asked ME if dd could spend the night. But, since you mention it--Yes, actually, my mom has been unsupportive of the nursing relationship from day 1...encouraging pacifiers, and bottles, questioning my milk supply, making comments about how long I will nurse, making comments to my dd about her not "needing" it anymore.


Thanks everyone for your feedback. I think I've got enough.