How do you see this? Ignore, or tell my mom to shut it. - Page 2

[eko_mom]

claddaghmom--your situation seems different. My daughter has never expressed a desire to spend more than a couple hours with my mom, much less overnight. She doesn't want to spend time with my sister alone at all.

What my sister and mom are doing is addressing my daughter with fantastical ideas about what spending the night might be like and holding it out as something for her to desire to pressure me to make it happen. They are inserting the nursing issue because it is also something they seek to influence.

[Smokering]

From what you wrote in the OP, it doesn't sound to me like your mom is manipulating you or your daughter at all. You are the one who said that your dd wasn't ready to stay the night because she's still nursing. Grandma, as a result of what you said, told dd that she couldn't stay the night until she was done nursing because this is what you said - right?

I got a different vibe off it - like Grandma was trying to encourage the OP's DD to wean so she could spend the night, almost as a "reward". Like, "We can't give you nail polish while your nails are so short - when you stop biting them we'll go to the salon together and then have ice cream!", kinda thing. Which would irk me mightily. There's no need to encourage her to wean.

[lavender_mama]

Okay, I know you said you've got enough. But I wanted to chime in.

If you feel your mom is being manipulative, she probably is. Go with your gut! You say she's been unsupportive of your breastfeeding beliefs the whole time, right? I think it's hard for her to watch her daughter make different choices than she would make and she's trying to get you to stop it. But it's your daughter, you're the parent, so you need to do what's fair for your own family!

I am having similar issues with my mom. We have different beliefs about different things when it comes to raising our children, but I won't get into them here. I don't know how ballsy you are, but if you're like me, do what I did. The last time she tried to be manipulative or shove her beliefs off on to me, no matter how innocent she came off, I said "Hey, I was wondering if you'd let me be the one to raise my own kid? Thanks." You can tailor it to your situation by saying something like "She can come over for a sleepover when she's ready, and right now she's not. But if you keep bugging us about it it might take longer. Now drop it."

Then again, my family is pretty assertive. We are super up front. So my mom takes talk like this pretty well. Yours might not. But I really think you should just stick to your guns and stand up for what you feel is right by your family, regardless of what your mom or sister think, or your friends, or other posters. Know what I'm sayin'? Good luck to ya!

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by eko_mom

claddaghmom--your situation seems different. My daughter has never expressed a desire to spend more than a couple hours with my mom, much less overnight. She doesn't want to spend time with my sister alone at all.

What my sister and mom are doing is addressing my daughter with fantastical ideas about what spending the night might be like and holding it out as something for her to desire to pressure me to make it happen. They are inserting the nursing issue because it is also something they seek to influence.

I know exactly where you are coming from. We had those comments before and it's hard to nicely put across, "Uhmmm, the reason my child doesn't stay with you it not because of the nursing, it's because I don't trust you."

Good luck with dealing with it. Relationships can be such minefields, huh?

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by eko_mom

claddaghmom--your situation seems different. My daughter has never expressed a desire to spend more than a couple hours with my mom, much less overnight. She doesn't want to spend time with my sister alone at all.

What my sister and mom are doing is addressing my daughter with fantastical ideas about what spending the night might be like and holding it out as something for her to desire to pressure me to make it happen. They are inserting the nursing issue because it is also something they seek to influence.

Wow, I would be creeped actually. Pairing it with sleeping over just seems strange.

[ell]

I'd be pretty blunt with both of them and say there's no sleepovers happening anytime soon, so they can both shut their traps to DD about it.

[prancie]

tell them that all inquiries about her spending the night should be directed at you while not in her presence or else you will not be spending any time with them. They are intentionally undermining you.

[mermaidmama]

re

Manipulative. Especially if she knows how you feel about weaning and spending the night. It is nobodys business to help *encourage* your child to wean unless that is what you want. Plus, she is not doing it for your child, she is doing it for herself so she can have her sleepover. I would be livid.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by eko_mom

No one has ever asked me if my dd could spend the night, they have begun these conversations with my dd on their own and made assumptions about the reasons why its not happening.

I wouldn't let my dd spend the night there until she could drive herself home.

[PJJ]

Absolutely agree

Originally Posted by ElliesMomma

very manipulative.

watch out for your mom and your sister. how old is your sister, and is she still living with your mom?

hey, there's no reason why you and your daughter shouldn't have that sleepover *together* at your moms.

for them to force a separation and encourage her weaning is totally inappropriate and crosses a line as far as i'm concerned. i'd be very untrusting of what else they would try to do to drive a wedge between you and your daughter, if you let them do this.

my daughter is three, still nursing. no way would she be spending the night elsewhere. i'm pregnant and due in september. i found a hospital that will let her spend the night with my husband and i, and the new baby, together as a family. that's how serious i am about respecting her need for continuity and nursing to sleep.

to answer your question, if you ignore your mom's not so subtle manipulations, you risk allowing her to put a wedge between you and your daughter. if this were me, i'd definitely tell her to shut it, and tell her that if she doesn't, *she* will risk not seeing your daughter anymore. and then keep her away if it continues.

For opinions as requested, I think this is manipulative and should be addressed/not ignored.

Good luck mama!

[tuffykenwell]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

There are a number of factors here.

One, as others have stated, being ready to spend the night at grandma's is different from being ready to wean. Some kids are ready for a night at grandma's before weaning. Others may wean before they're ready for a night at grandma's- especially if grandma isn't particularly nurturing.

Secondly, your mother and sister are being manipulative and disrespectful to both you and your DD. Those little comments, in your DD's earshot, can be very damaging to your nursing relationship. The only time such comments would be appropriate is if YOU initiated the weaning and asked for their support/assistance in making it smooth for DD.

If your mom was repeatedly making snide comments about weaning on the phone or in emails, I might say to ignore it. But when it happens in front of DD, it crosses a boundary. I'd suggest practicing what to say, so the next time your mom makes "one little comment" about weaning, you already know what to say, and you don't let it slide. If nothing else, DD will hear Grandma's comment along with yours, and be re-assured that it's OK to keep on nursing.

I totally agree with everything in this post. My kids usually do a sleepover at my MILs around age 2.5 and that is before they wean but they are ready at that point. You shouldn't feel forced to send your child on a sleepover to appease your mother or your sister. I don't think they realize that they are being manipulative but they definitely are.

Steph