Is my kid going to "out" his uncle?

[Ellen Griswold]

Okay, maybe I'm borrowing trouble here, but I'm worried that my ds is going to "out" his Uncle J. J is out to most of the relatives in our life, but not all. This summer we're going to stay with him and his boyfriend in NYC. We're happy to go, they're happy to have us. My son has a pretty basic understanding of sex, and I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be able to address any questions that might arise, but any advice is welcomed. This isn't my biggest concern. Boyfriend, D, is thrilled that we are bringing the kids and is glad to be a type of uncle to them since he doesn't yet have any nieces or nephews by his sister. I've talked to my kids about going to see Uncle J and Uncle D since if figure if J was living with a girl we'd call her Aunt Whatever. All this is fine with us. Until I realized that when we get back, we're going to be going on another trip, this time to dh's grandparents cottage where we will be for about a week. J isn't out to them, and I KNOW that grandma is going to ask my son about visiting his uncle.

I've told J about my concern. He and I are close and can talk about virtually anything. But I don't want the responsibility of this. Grandma is kinda the type of person who might hold a grudge, even though we have nothing to do with the situation. My personal opinion is that they might suspect that he's gay, since they are pretty cosmopolitan people, but he's never flat out told them.

On the other hand, I don't want to take away the "Uncle" from D since 1.) he's likely to be in their lives longer than what the greatgrandparents are simply because of age, and 2.) we don't really just "do" first names with grownups - I'm of the Mr and Mrs crowd. I doubt that would fool grandma anyway.

Thoughts? Advice?

[MomInCalifornia]

Can you ask Uncle J how he'd prefer you handle it?

[HarperRose]

Could Uncle D be explained as a roommate around the grands?

[GuildJenn]

It is not your son's responsibility to be the secret keeper. (Nor yours really, but I get the position that you're in.)

I think you need to come to peace with the fact that he might out his uncle, and if he does, that is just how the years of lying ended.

That said, many people who don't want to know something have a remarkable way of not hearing them. If your son does say something I bet it will get laughed off.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

It is not your son's responsibility to be the secret keeper. (Nor yours really, but I get the position that you're in.)

I think you need to come to peace with the fact that he might out his uncle, and if he does, that is just how the years of lying ended.

That said, many people who don't want to know something have a remarkable way of not hearing them. If your son does say something I bet it will get laughed off.

:

And if the grands look to you after your son says something, just shrug and say, "don't ask me." Refuse to get in the middle of it.

[Lynn08]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

It is not your son's responsibility to be the secret keeper. (Nor yours really, but I get the position that you're in.)

I think you need to come to peace with the fact that he might out his uncle, and if he does, that is just how the years of lying ended.

That said, many people who don't want to know something have a remarkable way of not hearing them. If your son does say something I bet it will get laughed off.

I don't know about other people, but in my family growing up there were always "extra" adults around (friends of parents/relatives mostly, but also some of their relatives and friends - we just kinda adopted anyone ). It was disrespectful to call them by their first name alone, but too formal to call them Mr/Ms/Mrs, so we always called them Aunt X or Uncle Y. Nobody would've thought twice if one of us had said anything about our visit with Uncle J and Uncle D.

[diaperqueen]

I think it would be unfair for your ds to have to keep it a secret. That's a pretty big burden to bear.

I think of it like this...if you're not ready to come out to EVERYONE, don't come out to a child in your life. They blab--it's not their fault--they just do. Heck--it's still hard for me not to accidentally blurt things out, and I'm 39!

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by diaperqueen

.if you're not ready to come out to EVERYONE, don't come out to a child in your life.

That goes actually for EVERYTHING in your life. our neighbor told me recently, "You know, you get really interesting insights into people's lives when you spend time with their kids. I know who cooks dinner at your house, and who does laundry!" I wonder what else she knows?

If your son let's "Uncle D" slip AND Grandma questions you, you can shrug, say "you know, J's friend". If you feel the need to perpetuate grandma not knowing, you could say "that's J's roommate".

IMO, the more people treat same-sex relationships as a normal fact of life, the less kids will worry about it, and the more future generations will view it (rightly) as part of a normal variation on humanity. Our church just hired a lesbian pastor, and the people who had the least trouble with it were the 16-20 year old crowd, which gives me hope.

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

ItThat said, many people who don't want to know something have a remarkable way of not hearing them. If your son does say something I bet it will get laughed off.

Very true. My late FIL had completely convinced himself that his youngest DD was living with her best friend "because neither of them had met "Mr. Right" yet and living with a friend was better than living alone." Never mind the fact that their 2-bedroom apt sported a queen bed in one while the other was set up as a den/guest room. They were (and still are) 100% "out" to absolutely everybody in their lives, but FIL just couldn't/wouldn't admit it.

[pauletoy]

My BIL lives with his partner. We have been to thier house numerous times. Sexuality has just never been an issue for us. My kids know that Uncle D lives with J but we just never felt the need to explain why. For the record, my MIL is very close to Uncle D but still will not admit that he is gay.

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

It is not your son's responsibility to be the secret keeper. (Nor yours really, but I get the position that you're in.)

I think you need to come to peace with the fact that he might out his uncle, and if he does, that is just how the years of lying ended.

That said, many people who don't want to know something have a remarkable way of not hearing them. If your son does say something I bet it will get laughed off.

Right there.

If MIL is close to Uncle D and still won't admit the truth then chances are your son won't say anything that would out either of them to her. People have a surprising capacity to lie to themselves even when others tell them the truth.

[Kristin0105]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

That said, many people who don't want to know something have a remarkable way of not hearing them. If your son does say something I bet it will get laughed off.

I totally agree with this. In our family it is my neice. She is in her 30's lived with her "friend" for years, has a gay pride sticker on her car but a few years ago my other sister (not her mom) told me not to say anything to my parents abt. neice being lesbian because they might be upset (not sure why she thinks that but...) My neice brought gf to all family gatherings, gf spent time with my mom before she died, visited with neice etc. It was all so weird. I was like I think they probably know she's more than just a roommate but no my mom referred to gf as neice's roommate. denial is amazing. Oh and neice is not out to her parents either even though gf goes everywhere with her or at least did until they broke up last year. So I totally agree if the GP's want to know they will say something otherwise they will contnue to beleive that Uncle is living with his roommate and just think your son is being respectful calling him Uncle.

[Amys1st]

I have a strong feeling that the whole family already knows but the people in question just dont acknowledge the outness. Or maybe I just have better gaydar...who knows. Maybe just that generation has a hard time accepting it or putting words to it so they just leave it as the 500lb gorilla where as younger generations accept it and move on. Or oppose it and disown and be angry like the other part of the older generation.

[hippiemommaof4]

I'm with everyone else and I wouldn't worry about it! My one cousin is gay and I didnt know until I was about 16...it was really weird because noone in the family ever said anything about it EVER! I figured it out on my own finally lol. I actually have another gay cousin besides that one, had to figure that one out on my own too. I come from a family who likes to keep everything a secret! I mean everything like bad medical history, sexual preference, and other things... its so stupid. They do it when it comes to EVERYTHING and it bothers me. I dont get it... I wish people could just be open and honest instead of ashamed of everything and everyone who isnt perfect in their eyes in my family and others. :

[tinyblackdot]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

It is not your son's responsibility to be the secret keeper. (Nor yours really, but I get the position that you're in.)

I think you need to come to peace with the fact that he might out his uncle, and if he does, that is just how the years of lying ended.

That said, many people who don't want to know something have a remarkable way of not hearing them. If your son does say something I bet it will get laughed off.

Yup!

[Marlet]

I grew up knowing I had 2 uncles. It never occured to that they were anything but uncles. It wasn't until I was about 9ish that I asked my older brother which side of the family Uncle L was from and he explained it a bit more. You might be surprised at how your son interprets it all. If, once there, you still feel he's going to out them maybe take him aside and explain it honestly.....that Uncle J hasn't told everyone about Uncle D and that it is his job to do so. Until he does you can refer to Uncle D as a friend. If you are going to lie (not really but you know what I mean) to family about it at least be up front and honest with your son about why.

That said, my uncle was out to my grandma but she refused to accept it. Instead Uncle L was simply a "friend". That is how she referred to him til the day she died (my uncles have been together for at least 20 years). She managed to gloss over any other referrence to my uncle that was ever made in her presence. I agree with the pp.....those who don't want to know are capable of not hearing certain things.

[eepster]

I would not worry at all.

First, as many PPs pointed out if GM and GP wanted to know/acknowledge that uncle J is gay, then they could/would have fiured it out on their own. They may have already figured it out, but just never say anything. My dad has pointed out that in his generation, one never ever said anything if they knew someone was gay, b/c that information in those days would ruin someones life. It wa a kind of "loose lips can sink ships" mind set, that kept people from ever saying anything unless they wanted to hurt the gay person.

Your DS isn't going to think about it and figure it out. Looking back as an adult, there were these to me who lived next door to my friend. As kids (and we were like 9 or 10) we never thought about it one iota, they were just the friendly neighbor guys. Looking back on it as an adult, I think they were a couple.

Your DS isn't likely to say anything that is very suspicious. Since uncle J lives in NYC, it isn't at all strange that he has a "roommate." Rents are extremely high, and all kinds of adult people who anywhere else in the world would live alone, need to have room mates. I once dated a straight guy who lived in a one bedroom apt with 2 other guys. Uncle J living with someone is expected, almost nobody lives alone in NYC.

[weliveintheforest]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

Right there.

If MIL is close to Uncle D and still won't admit the truth then chances are your son won't say anything that would out either of them to her. People have a surprising capacity to lie to themselves even when others tell them the truth.

It's not mil she is worried about though, it's gmil.

[sapphire_chan]

Lots of people are "aunt" or "uncle" whatever when there's no relation. So if Uncle J doesn't want grandma to know yet, you could just say, if it comes up, that the kids met Uncle J's friend D and got along really well.

[HisBeautifulWife]

I found out in my 20's that K and B were not brothers, they were gay.

During my childhood I was told that they were brothers. When I went to stay with them with my grandma that's what she said and I never thought twice about it. I was 3 or 4 and I do remember the trip. I took another trip with my parents when I was 5. No one said anything about sex, gay, or lovers.

It wasn't really that big of a deal. But it was kind of weird to find out 15 years later that they weren't brothers, but I was just like "oh".