New here and crying...I have no idea what to do, punishment and natural consequences - Page 7

[Quinalla]

Originally Posted by Rico'sAlice

So really, think about what you would do if the $200 you have were gone. Or if you didn't have that saved up and camp wasn't an issue and your DD accidentally broke a neighbor's window throwing a rock at it. WWYD?

I think this question may really help you come up with some different ideas as you seem stuck right now.

I will say that your last post about DD2 attitude is appalling to me. She is saying she is sorry but she is certainly not acting like it. Whatever you decide to do with the money that was earmarked for her camping trip, she has to start making a plan (probably with your help) to repay DD1 and start working on it immediately. Yes, it can be tough to find odd jobs, but with a little initiative she can do it. My youngest brother did odd jobs (mowing, cleaning, etc.) for several people in the summers to earn money at that age. I really think this is the first thing you need to address as she can't sit around shrugging her shoulders and continue as if nothing has happened.

I don't have kids yet, but I do think presenting it to her as she can come up with a plan to repay in a reasonable (for a 10 year old) amount of time and start working on it immediately and show that to you before you have to pay for camp or the money set aside for camp can go for the guitar now. Or if you are willing/able as another poster to suggested to charge the guitar and have your DD2 pay back with interest, I would consider doing that as well so DD2 can still go to camp. Again, back to the question I quoted, WWYD if this had happened with a neighbor who demanded DD2 replace it immediately and there was no money set aside for camp?

And I also agree with those who posted about needing to get DD2 emotionally involved. They said it better than I did, but again, no more of this mouthing "I'm sorry" but not doing anything about it.

[TinkerBelle]

I also think that DD2 needs to learn a valuable lesson.

That would be giving up her trip to buy her sister a new guitar.

[Jeanerbee]

I haven't read through all replies to know if this was suggested already, but rather than having DD2 skip camp and still be responsible to replace what she broke, does she have anything of value that she could possibly sell to come up with the funds? Even if it's having a yardsale of items or craigslisting some things.... that would be a logical consequence and she'd be earning money to replace it without having to miss camp, or the problem with job availability. Just a though =).

[mamadebug]

I second trying wishuponahero.com

Not sure if this has been recommended, but is there anyway you could talk to the people who run the camp and see if there is either a scholarship program or a way you could make payments over time?

I agree that DD2 needs to get her sister a new guitar.

I also think it seems overly harsh, and totally unrelated, to make her miss a once in a life time experience of going to camp - especially if she doesn't get to do many things like this.

Usually, groups working with kids don't want to see any kid left out and will work to make sure everyone can go.

[SugarAndSun]

I would buy the guitar. DD1 worked hard and saved up for it. Unless dd2 can earn the money to replace it, I would say use the camp money to buy another one.

The camping trip will be over in a weekend... dd1 could use the guitar daily for a long time to come.

[daniedb]

I wouldn't want to be in your shoes for anything, OP! I'm really sorry that this is happening to your family. I have no advice or thoughts that haven't been covered, but I did want to add that as I read through your posts, I am struck by how much you want to do the right thing, and how impressive that is to me. I can tell how thoughtful you are being with this decision. No matter what decision you make, if you are anything like me and most of my mother friends, you will always wonder if it was the right one. You sound like a loving, caring, committed mom, and that's what matters. We do our best with what we have at the time, and grace fills in the rest. If your heart is in the right place, and you make your decision out of love and selflessness for your girls, it will all come out right in the end.

Let us know how things are going, if you get a chance!

[bntamin]

Wow, you have some really tough choices to make. But you're a mom who is so devoted to her girls and truly wants the best for them. With that kind of attitude and priorities, even if you make mistakes your kids will know that you were there for them and did your best.

I just wanted to add that I think DD2 should be the one racking her brain to figure out how to replace the guitar, not you by yourself. Her indifference (whether it was on purpose or not) is a problem. She needs to feel the same sense of urgency and responsibility you do to ease her older sister's pain and, as another poster put it, make amends.

Maybe if you pose this challenge, "You MUST come up with an adequate plan to replace the guitar--so get thinking with me! If you can't, then I will have to make a decision for you (i.e. use the camp money)." Get her involved in the solution--not just waiting around for mom's final ruling! Even if you come to the realization that the ONLY fair solution is to use the camp money, at least she went through the reasoning process with you and knows that all options were exhausted. It will still hurt, but maybe the anger will be less because she was engaged in the decision making.

Sorry, i don't have older kids so my advice could be completely bogus. Hoping everything turns out fine for you and your girls...

[BeckC]

This is one crappy situation mama. I haven't read all the posts but this is my take on it.

I'm trying to put myself in the place of both of your daughters. Either way it will be a situation that neither of them will ever forget, and either way one of them will be very upset. But it comes down to this - If the guitar is replaced it will mean so much to your DD1. Your DD2 will be furious and sad, but will (hopefully) learn an important lesson about touching/damaging other people's property. If the guitar is not replaced then your DD1 will be heartbroken and resentful and dissapointed (in both her sister and mother), and both of your DDs will learn that DD2 can walk all over DD1's stuff without consequence. Which message do you want to send?

I think you should approach this the way you would if it was a neighbor/friend's guitar that was broken. In the real world, if you break something, you replace it. If that means you have to do extra work or give up a planned trip, then that's what you have to do. Even if it was an accident. Even if it means giving up something you were REALLY looking forward to. It is not a punishment, it is making amends, and it is a fact of life that we all have to deal with at some point or another.

I would frame it this way. Your DD2 has to replace the guitar in a timely manner (2 weeks) and she is responsible for coming up with a way to do so. She has $200 from her camp money fund and she also has the option to work odd jobs. If in 2 weeks she has enough money to replace the guitar AND go to camp, then she should be allowed to. If she doesn't then she will have to pay for her responsibility to her sister before she can spend the money on herself. If this results in her missing camp, then so be it.

[camracrazy]

I don't blame your older DD one bit for being angry. She worked hard to save the money for that guitar. Her sister broke it while supposedly acting out something she saw on TV and the only thing that happened is that younger DD gets unlimited access to the TV and can play the radio as loud as she wants! Next time the younger DD is tempted to break something of her sisters, you can bet that she will look back on this experience and think, "Yeah, nothing happened, it was actually kinda nice!!"

[canadiyank]

Originally Posted by camracrazy

Next time the younger DD is tempted to break something of her sisters, you can bet that she will look back on this experience and think, "Yeah, nothing happened, it was actually kinda nice!!"

Yeah, but something motivated dd2 to do it in the first place. That kind of destruction comes with a motive and that motive, whether it be jealousy, anger, frustration, stupidity, whatever, needs to be dealt with. Certainly it was an immature decision but there was definitely some sort of big feelings to cause that large-scale of damage. That needs to be dealt with and hopefully processed and solved, in addition to whatever decision mom makes.

[choli]

OP, any update? I hope you were able to come up with a solution, this is a very tough situation.

My two DDs are around the same age as yours, so you've been on my mind.

[newmainer]

i wonder if this even has an ending....