Is it appropriate? 5 mo at funeral - Page 2

[Smithie]

I take my kids to "lifecycle event" funerals, aka old people or people who've had a long illness, but not to "tragedy" funerals, aka accidents, suicides, etc.

[Shahbazin]

I just took our kids to their grandma's (MIL) funeral last weekend; ended up being there for the 1st ten minutes (then the almost 2 year old got tired of sitting in one spot so both kids & I wandered around on the church lawn outside), then we were at the reception afterwards. As long as you can slip out quietly if your DC gets noisy or wriggly, it's fine; & both of mine were very good at the reception where there was food!

[mrsfrazier]

Originally Posted by Smithie

I take my kids to "lifecycle event" funerals, aka old people or people who've had a long illness, but not to "tragedy" funerals, aka accidents, suicides, etc.

Why not? The people who have survived losing a loved one to "tragedies" need just as much support (speaking from personal experience) and kids need to learn that death is not always timely...

Anyways, 5 months is a very young age so my only concern would be that you can leave (either permanently or temporarily) if the child is fussy at all. My husband died unexpectedly in November, and I could only keep my 15 month old at the funeral for 20 minutes before it was too much for him. Small children and infants readily pick up emotions and the intense upset and sorrow of everyone in the room was too much. I had our babysitter come with me and she was able to take him out instead of me once he had had enough. Depending on how close you are to the deceased/their family, maybe that is an option so you don't have to leave in the middle of the funeral.

[kay4]

Originally Posted by Ducky5306

I think its fine, Of course i'd leave if the baby got too upset and wouldn't settle down easily..

Every funeral home i've ever been too has a basement or other separate room that you could go into if the above happens.


So sorry for your neighbor's loss..

ditto

[junie]

I agree with pp. I'd take your baby, but leave if baby gets too fussy. Babies are a source of comfort for many at a time like this. One of my best friends often talks of the baby at her dad's funeral. My friend was 17 at the time, and was not handling her father's death well. She apparently started freaking out at the funeral, and they were having a hard time calming her down. Someone, and to this day I'm not sure she even knows who, put their young baby into her arms, and this apparently had a very calming affect on her. She says it gave her a strong feeling of peace at a time when she couldn't find it elsewhere.

Now that being said, a fussy, crying baby might have the opposite effect. I'd just make sure you are able to leave quickly. When DS was a baby, DH's grand-mother passed away. We took both kids to the funeral, even 3-year-old DD, but DD was a VERY calm child, who sat well for long periods of time without making a fuss. Had she been a more "active" child, I might have been more reluctant to bring her. As it was, we sat at the back, even though that meant we weren't with family, to make sure we could leave quickly, and unobtrusively if either child got fussy.

[alexsam]

I might say to duck out even if the baby is making a lot of "non-fussy" noises as well (raspberries, cooing, babble). It can be distracting. Slipping in to the hallway and waiting for the reception is fine.

My cousins brought their young child to my grandpas funeral. They actually just stayed in the hall and joined the recption. It was no big deal.

[marisa724]

I took my son (about 4-5 mos) to the funeral of a friend's father. It seemed to be appreciated, as a PP said -- a "circle of life" thing, to have a baby there. We mingled with the other mourners for a while, and ducked into a small lounge area with couches when the service started (in a funeral home, not a church). DS1 got fussy toward the end and we took a walk around the block, and by the time we got back the service was done and we mingled a little more.

FWIW this was a suicide, but he had been ill and miserable for a long, long time. I believe that everyone in the family knew it was coming, it was treated as if the illness had been the cause of death (because really, it kind of was).

[Smithie]

"Why not? The people who have survived losing a loved one to "tragedies" need just as much support (speaking from personal experience) and kids need to learn that death is not always timely..."

My kids are 3 and 5, so no doubt my opinion is colored by their extreme youth, but I cannot imagine exposing them to the vibe at a suicide funeral or untimely-death. At least not the vibe my relatives put out. It may vary a lot from family to family. My family likes to spend the reception rehashing the death. Aaaaaargh.

I did take ds to an accident funeral when he was 9 months old, and his presence seemed to be appreciated by the immediate family of the deceased. So I see where you're coming from on that one. But at his current age, where he would be able to understand that cousin Dave was crushed to death by a huge tree in a logging accident? No freaking way. He would be hugely, hugely traumatized by the circumstances of that death, in a way that he will NOT be traumatized on the hopefully-distant-but-probably-pretty-soon day when his 80+ great-grandmother passes away.