House Rules? - Page 2

[phathui5]

phathui5, your rules seems really familiar. Are they from Greg Harris's book? Is it tough having so many rules... or do you tend to focus on just a few when your kids are young?

They are from the 21 Rules of Our House book. It hasn't been hard for us to have so many rules. If anything, it seems to make things easier. We go over all of them a few times a year and focus on individual ones as needed at other times.

[Snuzzmom]

We have six:

1. We do not hurt each other.
2. We speak respectfully to each other.
3. It is always okay to share your opinion or disagree respectfully.
4. Children must always hold Mommy or Daddy’s hand when crossing the street.
5. If Mommy or Daddy says STOP!, children must STOP!
6. We clean up after ourselves.

They're posted on the fridge and our DS loves to go and get them and "read" them to us. They've been a huge help in terms of GD because he seems to respect the written word, even though he can't read it. He does break the rules from time to time, but if he hits the dog, for instance, we have him to and bring the rules to us and we review them. And then he'll randomly bring it up for a few hours/ days after the fact, so I know he thinks about them.

[seriosa]

Wow, reading these rules many seem to be "character forming". We are more prosaic, some things just would never have come to mind. Like DS has never hit, or bitten or kicked anyone as far as I know. Yelling can and does happen and is aplogised for and forgiven. We have mainly "practical behaviour" rules in our house:

- Food is eaten in the kitchen.
- No jumping on the furniture
- TV time for DS is between 6pm and dinner only.
- We wash hands when we come in from outside, before meals and after using the loo. And if you eat with your hands, you wash them after meals too, lol
- No getting up from the table during meals until one is done (exception for the loo of course)
- We use please and thank you
- Everyone helps out (assigned chores)

These rules are non-negotiable, and except for the not getting up during mealtimes, are so ingrained that compliance is rarely an issue. No consequences, they are simply reiterated until complied with.

[Super Glue Mommy]

Everyone is expected and guided towards being kind, gentle, honest, considerate, and respectful of each other. We don't do given time outs, though anyone can take a time out. It would just go against the above listed goals for us to give time outs, because the rules apply to all family members, not just the children. We use time in with all members of the family, children and adults alike. Children do well when they can, they want to do well, they want support in doing the right thing... so this works for us.

[Super Glue Mommy]

Originally Posted by umsami

Oh, I like your three rules, lavendarmama. That makes it easy.

phathui5, your rules seems really familiar. Are they from Greg Harris's book? Is it tough having so many rules... or do you tend to focus on just a few when your kids are young?

I could not remember that many rules lol but more to power to someone who can! It's easier for us to have a few things that pretty much encompass and can be applied to many scenarios. The rule we act outside our house as we do at home would not work for us because some peoples homes have different rules then ours. Example: it is okay to jump on the bed at home. My son needs this to meet sensory needs. I feel a trampoline would be dangerous so I feel better about him jumping on his mattress that remains on the floor. Jumping on a mattress in another persons home might not be a mutually agreeable solution to meeting his sensory needs though. We wear shoes to protect our feet when we leave the house, but not at home. We follow the goals of where we are, which are not always the same as our house goals, or we can choose to not go to places whose rules we do not like.

[Super Glue Mommy]

Originally Posted by lavender_mama

We have three rules, in no particular order:

1. Respect others.
2. Respect your environment.
3. Respect yourself.

That pretty much covers it. Oh, and by "environment" I don't mean trees and birds necessarily, I mean your personal environment, including the furniture and walls of your home, and your toys, pretty much all things around you.

There is no time out. If you break a rule, you are reminded of a rule. If you continue to break the rule, you are invited to walk away from that particular situation until you can choose to be peaceful. Yeah, I know. Sounds idealist, right? But it works. It's been this way since my oldest was born, and we have a very peaceful household and respectful child who gives me lots of hugs!

I hate rules. I keep it to just those three. I mean, if you think about it, pretty much anything you can imagine falls into one of those three. Pulled the cat's tail? You're not respecting others. Drew on the wall? You're not respecting the environment. Left your toys out again? You're not respecting yourself.

great post

[Cujobunny]

Originally Posted by Mary-Beth

I recommend people word there rules in the positive. The focus being on what you want not on what you don't want. If you hear no hitting you visualize hitting and then think not to do it. If you hear gentle hands you visualize doing something gentle with your hands.

Just my 2cents of advice.

True, but one could use gentle hands, and still push their sister down....

[purplefrog]

We don't have any rules, but we have principles that we live by, such as not wasting food, conserving water, and the biggest - loving eachother.

I'm surprised that some of you have rules about how your kids should express their feelings, like not using angry words, speaking in a calm voice, not yelling. I just wanted to put in my 2 cents and say that all people feel angry, upset, or frustrated sometimes, and teaching children to suppress those emotions isn't really beneficial. Suppressing the feelings doesn't make them go away; they build up in the child, and can manifest themselves later in life in many ways. The ability to express oneself and deal with our emotions helps us get through life's difficulties.

[frontierpsych]

*treat people, animals, and property with coutesy and respect.

of course, I know that's pretty general, but DS can learn as he goes along. I don't expect perfection, just that we try to reach that point.
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ETA: Of course, there will be more specific "rules" as DS gets older, but my point is that I want my one RULE to be the ones that smaller guidelines refer back to. I want it to be a lifetime learning process, not just a list. It seems like when rules are too specific and steadfast children seem to obey them because they are the *rules*, not because they are the right thing to do.

[Snuzzmom]

Originally Posted by purplefrog

We don't have any rules, but we have principles that we live by, such as not wasting food, conserving water, and the biggest - loving eachother.

I'm surprised that some of you have rules about how your kids should express their feelings, like not using angry words, speaking in a calm voice, not yelling. I just wanted to put in my 2 cents and say that all people feel angry, upset, or frustrated sometimes, and teaching children to suppress those emotions isn't really beneficial. Suppressing the feelings doesn't make them go away; they build up in the child, and can manifest themselves later in life in many ways. The ability to express oneself and deal with our emotions helps us get through life's difficulties.

I am not sure if you're referring to my rules or not, but I can see how they could be interpreted that way, so I'll clarify.

By "respectfully" we mean that when DS says, "I want peaches NOW!" We point out that we don't like being asked that way, could he please ask again in a nicer way, etc. We don't require that he say "please," but we ask that he not demand things that way. And he

The "disagree respectfully" is as much for DH and me as it is for anyone else in our house.

We absolutely teach him it's okay to be angry, to cry, to be frustrated, to be disappointed, and that he should express himself.

[Cujobunny]

Originally Posted by Snuzzmom

I am not sure if you're referring to my rules or not, but I can see how they could be interpreted that way, so I'll clarify.

By "respectfully" we mean that when DS says, "I want peaches NOW!" We point out that we don't like being asked that way, could he please ask again in a nicer way, etc. We don't require that he say "please," but we ask that he not demand things that way. And he

The "disagree respectfully" is as much for DH and me as it is for anyone else in our house.

We absolutely teach him it's okay to be angry, to cry, to be frustrated, to be disappointed, and that he should express himself.

Exactly. I don't enjoy being yelled at by anyone, I'm quite sure my kids don't enjoy being yelled at, it's something that I'm working on not doing. That's not to say that I am working on suppressing my feelings or that I want my kids or my dh to suppress their feelings. There are other ways to express them.

The rule in my house of no yelling isn't there with the expectation that no one is going to yell ever, but that if you do, someone will probably get upset or feel badly and probably not understand what you are trying to say. I guess the term "rule" is used very loosely for our list.

[texmati]

*sigh* We have house rules. And we don't even kids yet. These were for DH MIL and I.

1. Speak respectfully and kindly to one another. No yelling in anger or saying nasty things to one another. If you can't deal, walk away.
2. Respect others belongings, personal possessions, and personal space. Do not hide or "relocate" or break others things.
3. Be considerate of other's time. Give a heads up if you want someone to do you a favor, or if you want to invite someone to the house. Be respectful if they say it is not a good time.

I'd like to add an extra one about treating others and behaving like adults, but MIL is out of town. I wonder what we will add when the LO arrives.

And I really like the idea of posting it up somewhere.

[Mary-Beth]

It has nothing to do with suppressing feelings.

If my kids want to cry or yell to blow off stream or as a way to release an emotion that's wonderful. I would be there to listen without a second thought if they wanted me to be there. Crying and yelling are simply not effective methods of communication. It doesn't really tell me what you want or how you feel. Words do though.

[Super Glue Mommy]

IDK what I know about child development makes that a hard statement for my to accept Mary Beth. During times of high emotion and stress children will "revert". Sometimes they are unable to find the words, no matter how simple those words may be. I can relate, sometimes when I am upset I cant find the right words to express myself either, and it makes me more upset when I am trying to find them. sometimes I just want to cry, and so I can understand if my child has times like that too. Crying very much does tell me how my children feel. Of course, I want to equip them with more words so they can learn to more precisely share how they feel and what they are thinking, but sometimes they may just need to cry and for my to say "it's okay to cry" and it is.

[Talula Fairie]

Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy

IDK what I know about child development makes that a hard statement for my to accept Mary Beth. During times of high emotion and stress children will "revert". Sometimes they are unable to find the words, no matter how simple those words may be. I can relate, sometimes when I am upset I cant find the right words to express myself either, and it makes me more upset when I am trying to find them. sometimes I just want to cry, and so I can understand if my child has times like that too. Crying very much does tell me how my children feel. Of course, I want to equip them with more words so they can learn to more precisely share how they feel and what they are thinking, but sometimes they may just need to cry and for my to say "it's okay to cry" and it is.

:

Young children often can't use words to express themselves, especially in times of emotional stress and when it comes to stuff like feelings. Well, I know my kids usually can't. Sure would be convenient if they'd tell you what's going on with them. The Explosive Child talks a lot about that conundrum.

[Snuzzmom]

We sing "It's alright to cry" to him.

We also remind him to ask for help when he needs it, if he's started to fuss because he can't get his closet door open or something. But if he's REALLY upset, I just hold him until he's done crying and then he is either totally done with the issue or able to at least get a few words out at that point.

Kind of OT...

I read all of Protecting the Gift the other night, in one sitting, and my mind was so overloaded with all the horrible things that could happen to DS, all I could do was wander upstairs and sob to my husband. He had NO idea what was going on. He said, "Is there an emergency?" and I was only able to get out "No" before crying again. So he let me cry, and once I got it out we had a long talk about the book. I would have been extremely annoyed and frustrated if he'd kept saying, "What's wrong? I can't understand you! Use words! Tell me now!" (though it did take some, um, training to get him NOT to say those things when I'm upset)

We all have moments like that. Certainly if I do at 38 my child will at 2.5. It is very hard when they're crying and you don't know why, because you want to help them so much, but I think as long as you're there for them you ARE helping them, by providing a safe haven for releasing emotion.

In other news, I do not recommend reading Protecting the Gift all at once.

[Mary-Beth]

I have a master's in child development and have worked with children and families over the last 12 years and I have three children of my own...I have learned that most kids (even those with special needs) can learn to express themselves more easily than most adult learn to really listen. My point isn't that a little person must have all the words to describe everything. It's that we can help teach them to use the words they do have and develop strong, clear voices so they can express their emotions and ideas and wants. I really didn't expect that to be a controversial idea.

AGAIN, I never said it isn't ok to cry. I actually said it's fine to cry and I'd be there to listen and offer support. I understand all about regressions. I don't think what we're saying is all that different. Just that I model and teach and encourage my kids and the kids I work with effective ways to communicate. I'm sure you do as well.

[Super Glue Mommy]

yes, I do as well. Sounds like we have similar eduation backgrounds and personal experience (I also have 3 children, 1 of which has special needs).

For me, with my children, I can take these opportunities to teach them. I can know they are capable. But I can respect when they just aren't able to tap into those capabilities for one instance or another. I can just be there, and I know when to "drop it" (as in, when they clearly are in no place for "learning" the right words, they just need to cry first and calm down)