My child smells like cigarettes.

[minkajane]

4yo DS spent the night with his grandparents last night. They smoke pretty much constantly. I lied and told them that DS and I are allergic to cigarette smoke when we first met so that they would smoke in the house when we're there. They're pretty good about it, except sometimes FIL lights up absentmindedly and I have to send him outside, and I think sometimes SMIL smokes in the bedroom instead of going outside. Of course, when we're not there, they smoke in the house all the time. The place reeks of cigarettes. DH can hardly breathe when we're there. And even though they smoke outside when we're there, they think outside = total and immediate dispersion of the smoke, so they sit on the porch and smoke right next to DS. If I'm there, I send him to the yard to play with the dog.

I don't know what to do. They are NOT going to stop smoking inside. DH wouldn't have even asked them to smoke outside if I hadn't brought it up because he grew up surrounded by smokers and it's normal to him. It didn't even cross his mind to try and avoid exposing children to cigarettes until I said something. And his asthma has NOTHING to do with the second hand smoke. :

I avoid going over there as much as I can, but DH guilts me into visiting because his grandma is really old and may not make it much longer. She can't really even leave the house anymore. I used to be able to get them to come to our house to visit DS, but now they can't really do that because Grandma can't take care of herself and will try to walk and fall or something. Overnights are definitely out of the question now because of the smoke being so ingrained in the furniture and stuff now (much worse than it used to be because they're living with Grandma now). Is there anything else I can do?

[moondiapers]

Don't send him there alone, and stay outside when you visit.

[vegemamato]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

Don't send him there alone, and stay outside when you visit.

:

we have the exact same issue with my grandparents.. and I hate it! We rarely visit now, and when we do I'm following the kids everywhere. I have talked my grandma into smoking outside before but after an hour or so she starts lighting up inside again. They drink a lot too, which I'm sure contributes to the 'forgetfullness'.

I can't stand how my kids smell after a vist (it's like a mix of cigarettes and BAD perfume/cologne- with lipstick all over their cute lil faces.. eww!). We all hop in the bath and wash our clothes the SECOND we walk in the door!

[thismama]

Eh, honestly every now and again, barring asthma or true allergy, I wouldn't worry about it. They probably know you are lying which is why they smoke anyway. My Gramma smokes like a chimney and I visit her rarely and just prepare to wash down the kids and myself when we get home. Family connections and alla that.

[ChetMC]

I Would Continue

We've traveled with our kids in countries where they were exposed to quite a bit of second hand smoke. I felt that the overall experience was worth the limited exposure in the grand scheme of their lives (though I didn't realize until we arrived how much smoking there would actually be).

If my child did not have any health issues that were exacerbated by cigarette smoke, and everyone benefited from the relationship, I would continue with short visits and not make an issue out of it.

[ChetMC]

But...

Originally Posted by moondiapers

Don't send him there alone, and stay outside when you visit.

But she said that it's hard for grandma to get out of the house, and they live in Ohio where is rains and snows and blows.

[vegemamato]

Just thought of something..

This was truely horrible of me, but I was neurotic and slowly heading toward what became severe ppd, but it happened.. (fwiw, I felt VERY strongly about smoking). :

I made my grandma wear a hospital gown whenever she wanted to hold my first born (we lived with my grandparents until K was 8 days old). ALL of her clothes stunk, we have a lot of asthma (her kids, of course) and I was terrified of sids. Looking back, I think I overreacted The allergy thing didn't work either

What did help, however, was bringing actual articles over about the risks of secondhand smoke, asking her to look it over and holding a mature, grown-up discussion about what was READ. My comments, even the non-snarky ones, wouldn't cause her to blink but seeing medical evidence seemed to help (she TRIES now, at least).

Could you be straight-forward enough to do that? It was hard, but through our discussions I realized that she does care deeply about us but this is just something that is hard (if not impossible) for her to control.

Hopefully that helped

(and, scratch the staying outside thing if it's cold, of course!)

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

But she said that it's hard for grandma to get out of the house, and they live in Ohio where is rains and snows and blows.

It's a choice the grandparents are making.

[PoppyMama]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

We've traveled with our kids in countries where they were exposed to quite a bit of second hand smoke. I felt that the overall experience was worth the limited exposure in the grand scheme of their lives (though I didn't realize until we arrived how much smoking there would actually be).

If my child did not have any health issues that were exacerbated by cigarette smoke, and everyone benefited from the relationship, I would continue with short visits and not make an issue out of it.

Yep to chetmc and thismama. I am not one to try to live in a bubble though.

[minkajane]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

It's a choice the grandparents are making.

The grandma we go see is FIL's mom. She doesn't smoke. FIL and SMIL live with her. They're the ones that smoke. We go over to visit Grandma, who can't go outside. We play outside as much as possible, but we can't in the winter, and Grandma sits inside alone when we're outside, so we feel bad. Hence the dilemma.

[Laurelsprings]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

It's a choice the grandparents are making.

Yes and no. Nicotine is highly addictive, and it seems like they are either ignorant or in denial about the effects of second/third hand smoke. IME, smokers will do anything, including lie, to get their fix.

I agree with the PP who said to bring over articles. There is no need to make up an allergy, the negative effects (especially on children) of second and third-hand smoke is well documented in mainstream publications.

As the parent, you get to call the shots on this.

[confustication]

Meh- for occasional visits I'd just tolerate it. My dad is a smoker, and it wasn't until my dd was born that he was banned from smoking in the house at all (of course, that was after I had learned to deal with the athsma and had lived through the chemo, so my mom got a *little* stronger in her arguments against secondhand smoke...) Now he smokes outside, and a great deal less than he used to, but my kids are still exposed to the smoke.

I realized that the miniscule risk associated with occasional exposure is completely outweighed by their having a relationship with their grandfather.

I see this as a 'pick your battles' kind of thing.

Additionally, as your kids are older and have friends to visit outside of school, you won't always like the environment in their homes either. DD has one friend whose parents smoke like chimneys. She knows it's bad, and there are no questions asked when I direct her to peel her clothes off straight into the washer and jump into a shower or bath as soon as she steps in the door.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Unfortunately you can't control what your FIL does in his own home. If you really hate it that much then don't visit. That does mean that your children wouldn't have a relationship with your grandma - but thats a choice you'll have to make.

I actually DO have a sever allergy to cigarette smoke, as does my mother. After we learned what it was that was making me sick every time we visited my grandparents we just stayed in a hotel when we visited them (we still went to their place during the day though), and they weren't allowed to smoke in our house when they came to visit us. Thats the best we could do.

[Smithie]

Having a great-grandma that you get to know before she passes is pretty special. I'd put up with the smoke. The pictures and video you take won't smell!

But AFTER great-grandma passes, nicotine fiends can darn well visit you in your smoke-free home! My mom always makes my dad quit smoking before I visit them with an infant. If there's no infant, he can smoke outside. Of course, I live in the house with them for 3 weeks, so it's not a matter of the kids just being exposed for an afternoon...

[kennedy444]

Smoking is one thing I will NEVER stand for...from anyone. Even when my dh smoked (he quit two years ago), it was ALWAYS outside. Even when we didn't have kids and I was not pregnant. NO SMOKING in my house or around me EVER. And NEVER EVER around my children-- no matter who it is. Gross, smelly, disgusting and unhealthy!

[aprons_and_acorns]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

Yep to chetmc and thismama. I am not one to try to live in a bubble though.

I agree with this.

[snoopy5386]

My mom smokes too, she doesn't smoke inside while we are there, but does when we are not. It stinks at her place and we stink when we get home. We always immediately change clothes/bathe or bring extra clothes with us if we are going somewhere else from her home. She lives 3 hours away out of state. We don't spend the night there, her place is too small, but even if she had the room I wouldn't because of the smoke issue. I didn't realize how bad I stunk until I moved out (both parents smoked growing up). I was mortified when I realized how bad I ALWAYS smelled when living there, I am glad my friends/DH put up with it at the time.