It's so hard to say goodbye

[HealingBeam]

Last week we had to make the most difficult decision ever – to put down our dog, our beautiful almost 14 yr. old friend. And I can’t stop crying since, thinking about if there was something more we should/could try to relieve her discomfort and pain and prolong her life with us.

She was very ill - her rear legs were almost paralyzed from arthritis most of the time (she had her good moments) and she had difficulties moving (her front legs were weak from previous injury and we carried her up and down the stairs from/to second floor every day for the last year or even more to spare her legs), she was incontinent and during last week had trouble pooping (she couldn’t stand on her feet long enough or bend them to do it) and we suspect she was in a lot of pain (she would sometimes scream when we moved her to change her bed or sometimes she would spontaneously yell/cry). She also had multiple mammary tumors we planned to take out.

The vet tried to relieve some of her difficulties with anti-inflammatory and anti-rheumatic drugs but she didn’t respond well to therapy – she had maybe two good days (meaning she could move enough not to pee on her bed but near it and to manage to walk for half an hour) during that week. She even started losing some of her anal reflexes and her legs had weak reflexes too. She didn’t eat or drink except from my hand so I fed her last three days of her life and gave her water with spoon.

We were preparing to the possibility we were living our last days together and when the vet said it was the beginning of the end, we decided to help her go.
We said our final goodbyes on Saturday (she couldn’t even sit on the car seat during our trip to the vet she was just lying down looking at me) and the vet came into our house on Sunday. I was with her all the time, stroking her soft and shiny fur, whispering how much I loved her and how I was going to miss her, kissing her … she took her last breath while I was holding her, I felt her last heartbeat under my fingers.

I can’t find any peace in the fact she doesn’t suffer anymore. I can’t find any peace in the fact she lived a long and great life with me and my family. I regret now I didn’t have more time to say goodbye even if I believe that would be selfish because no time would be long enough to comfort me now.

I’m missing her so much it hurts.

[Kirsten]

Your post made me cry, and I really feel so awful for you - and am right there with you as our beloved three year old calico died suddenly and unexpectedly two weeks ago. We are all really sad over here too. My heart breaks for my kids too - who are less experienced with grief than I am.

I have no idea what to say to help at all, but you are not alone.

[cyncyn]

I'm in tears too. We had to put down our dog in January in a similar situation of ongoing illness. It is so hard mama but know that you did the right thing. I was helped with my grief when a huge full rainbow appeared on the morning dd and I first walked to school without our dog. I felt like she was in a better place then and had sent me a sign.

[fek&fuzz]

My college has a pet loss support line run by vet students, if you think that might be helpful.
http://www.vetmed.ucdavis.edu/ccah/petloss.cfm

My sister just put down her little dog who had been with us for 13 years. He was such a good man but went down hill quite fast. My other sister had to put down her pug a few months ago. My old girl is hanging in there but I know one day I'll have to say goodbye.

You don't have to try to find peace right now. You can just be sad and mad as much as you want. You were a good mama to her and gave her a wonderful life. Of course it hurts horribly to have her gone.

[slimkins]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope this poem might comfort you some.

FROM FRIEND TO FRIEND

You're giving me a special gift,
So sorrowfully endowed,
And through these last few cherished days,
Your courage makes me proud.

But really, love is knowing
When your best friend is in pain,
And understanding earthly acts
Will only be in vain.

So looking deep into your eyes,
Beyond, into your soul,
I see in you the magic, that will
Once more make me whole.

The strength that you possess,
Is why I look to you today,
To do this thing that must be done,
For it's the only way.

That strength is why I've followed you,
And chose you as my friend,
And why I've loved you all these years...
My partner 'til the end.

Please, understand just what this gift,
You're giving, means to me,
It gives me back the strength I've lost,
And all my dignity.

You take a stand on my behalf,
For that is what friends do.
And know that what you do is right,
For I believe it too.

So one last time, I breathe your scent,
And through your hand I feel,
The courage that's within you,
To now grant me this appeal.

Cut the leash that holds me here,
Dear friend, and let me run,
Once more a strong and steady dog,
My pain and struggle done.

And don't despair my passing,
For I won't be far away,
Forever here, within your heart,
And memory I'll stay.

I'll be there watching over you,
Your ever faithful friend,
And in your memories I'll run,
...a young dog once again.

[mandib50]

i am so sorry
we had to put down my dog in january. she got run over and suffered broken ribs and a collapsed lung which caused her body to fill with air. i cried for days and days and still get teary over it now. i miss her so much too.

anyway, just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

[kblackstone444]

We had to put my dog, Shayna down 2 1/2 yeqars ago. I still miss her, but I know we did the best thing for her. It's the hardest decision I've ever had to make. s

I hope this helps, too...

If it should be that I grow frail and weak,
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then you will do what must be done,
For this, the last battle, can be won.
You will be sad, I understand,
But don’t let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.
We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn’t want me to suffer so,
When the time comes , please let me go.
Take me to where my needs they’ll tend,
Only, stay with me till the end,
And hold me firm and speak to me,
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time you will agree,
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.
Don’t grieve that it must be you
Who has to decide this thing to do;
We’ve been so close, just us, these years,
Don’t let your heart hold any tears.

[vegasgrl]

I lost my Luca to an out-of-the-blue illness last fall. He was a ball of love, and truly blessed my life. He was with me through law school, through my marriage and divorce, through the cross-country move. In a life that I have made infinitely more difficult by refusing to settle anywhere, he was my constant, my rock.

I didn't think I'd ever be okay again. I completely know what you're going through.

This is like any loss, there are the stages of grief you have to go through. I still think about him all the time, but usually now they're happy memories. I was really so lucky he found me, so lucky to have had the time with him I did. It will feel better, mama, I swear it will.

Just this side of heaven lies the Rainbow Bridge.

When a beloved pet dies, it goes to the Rainbow Bridge. It makes friends with other animals and frolics over rolling hills and peaceful lush meadows of green. They are as healthy and playful as we remember them in days gone by.

Together, the animals chase and play, but the day comes when a pet will suddenly stop and look into the distance...bright eyes intent, eager body quivering. Suddenly recognizing you, your pet bounds quickly across the green fields and into your embrace. You celebrate in joyous reunion. You will never again separate.

Happy tears and kisses are warm and plentiful, your hands caress the face you missed. You look into the loving eyes of your pet and know that you never really parted. You realize that though out of sight, your love had been remembered.

You cross the Rainbow Bridge together.

[HealingBeam]

Thank you all so much. It is comforting to know there are people who understand this kind of loss.

but I know we did the best thing for her

I would really love to feel this way. Everybody around me seems to feel this way, except me.
I know her life was coming to an end and there was no cure for irreversible state she was in but I feel so guilty I let her go relatively fast after the final diagnosis and I feel as I betrayed her in some way. Maybe this is a part of a grieving process but it hurts beyond anything I expected.

[mom0810]

I lost my beloved dog in 2007. This was my special special Heart Dog. I feel like I will never have another dog like him.

He was 14 also, and died the day after his birthday. I cried so hard I went into labor with ds2... thank God that stopped after a while... I was only 7 months pregnant!

I totally know how you are feeling, and I am so sorry. My heart still aches and I know the grief you are feeling. I feel like I will never have another dog like him. I am so sorry for your loss and I just wanted you to know there are others out there who know what you are feeling. It doesn't get any easier with time, but it does get less "fresh".

I know it's hard to reassure yourself that you did the right thing. Something I did was get in touch with an Animal Communicator. I know it sounds nuts, but it really helped me so much to talk to her. It might make you feel more at peace. I cried my eyes out the whole time, but it really helped to feel better. I wrote down everything she said and i still read it sometimes.

I'm crying again. I just know how much you are hurting. Lots of hugs to you. If you want to know who I talked to, I can give you her info if you PM me. God Bless you and know that your dog still loves you and will always be with you.

My three year old, who was only 20-some months when my dog died, says he still sees him playing in the snow or walking in our house. He tells me this all the time. They are never "really" gone.

[gingerstar]

I'm so sorry.

[HealingBeam]

I had a really tough day.
We went for a long walk in the country and I was looking all over at every bush and high grass, expecting her to show up as usual.
Everything reminded me of her. Unfortunately we don't have any place to go where we won't be reminded of her - she went with us everywhere.
I cried my eyes out. Couldn’t calm down for a while.

I'm so not at peace with our decision I keep torturing myself there had to be something we could have done to prolong her life (in quality too). I wasn’t ready to let go but didn’t want her to suffer anymore because I wasn’t ready (I’d never be ready).

I keep rethinking about our last momdaysents.. it’s so so sad.
I keep asking my hubby to repeat everything that was wrong with her, everything the vet had said, to remind me in how severe condition she was (couldn’t move most of the time, she didn’t drink or eat, only when I gave her, then she’d took water or food from my hand, she refused homeopathic remedy), to remind me why we didn’t try any other treatment after this one failed why we didn’t ask for a second, third… opinion (we’ve saved her life twice before when vets said there was nothing else to try)… did we give up on her or did we know at some level that was it.

And I wanted to share this with you…
She was sleeping in my parents apartment for awhile as we sometimes cared for her together (we are first neighbors live on the same floor, we let her sleep/spend time with my parents when she asked cause we thought she wanted some peace and quiet away from the children and she was familiar with their apartment – we grew up there, me and her … she slept there last month or so ... I figured she was bothered with commotion and noise babies/children are capable of .. maybe she was in some pain or discomfort already, and I tolerated it because she mostly spent days with us) but she returned home to us few days before that Sunday.. my mom told my dad she went home to die. 

[swd12422]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're not doing it alone, though -- this thread has me sobbing like it's about my own dog. I so dread the day I have to go through it first hand.

Please know that she is pain-free and that's really what matters. You were a good family for her and she had a good life. She'll always be in your heart and your memories, so you haven't lost her completely. Let yourself grieve, and celebrate her life. You'll eventually feel better and it will be less painful.

[mandib50]

just came to see how you were doing and to give you a hug

[christianmomof3]

I am sorry and I understand. I had dreams about my dog that I grew up with after she had been put to sleep and they were the same type of dreams that I had after my mother died. I have found out since then, that we often have those types of dreams when we lose loved ones as our subconscious works through the loss and grieving.
I missed my cat who used to sleep on the pillow above my head for years and my son missed another cat we had for years as well. Our pets do become part of our families and it is natural to miss them and grieve for them.

[ElliesMomma]

hi there, hope you are starting to feel better. i wanted to let you know that i'm almost right there with you, only my dog is still 13.5. i've had her since she was seven weeks old. time flies! she is starting to fade, and i know her time will come too.

the list of things going on with your dog was quite long, and the fact that she was crying in pain sometimes even without moving was especially a sign that she needed your help. i know it's hard and the guilt of putting them to sleep can be overwhelming. but there can also be guilt for *not* putting them to sleep, and i experienced this with a beloved cat, who passed at 13 a few years ago. i will spare the detail except to say it was cancer, and his last hours were painful for him and there was nothing i could do at that point because moving him (to take him to the vet to be put to sleep) would have killed him too.

it's the only trouble with our pet animals - that their lives are too short!

you were a wonderful home for your dog, and if you can believe, she will come back to you again someday. you will see her again!

hope you are starting to feel better.

ps: you are **so** lucky that your vet came to your house to put her to sleep. you have no idea how fortunate that is. i dread that when our dog's time comes, it will have to involve a car trip, as car trips have gotten extremely hard on her. for your dog to pass in peace in her own home is a true, true blessing!!

[lanamommyphd07]

[HealingBeam]

I'm so thankful for all of you and your kind words.

[crayon]

Wow this sounds just like my life in August. It was SOOO hard- and sadly still is. Our babysitters (and friends) just got a puppy this weekend (they put their dog down in the winter) and she is sooo cute. I just kept saying "I want one" and my MIL was saying "you have no time" in a totally discusted voice! agh.... I was mostly saying "I want mine back"- but on one hears that- you know???

My dog also was pretty paralized from arthritus and when she looked at me as if to say "I am so scared why is this happening" I could not longer have her suffer. I was amazing at the day we put her to sleep. Afterward she looked so relaxed and looked like a 4 year old- I could see how tight and in pain she was. I felt peace with knowing she was not in pain, but my heart feels no peace at all. The looks on my kids faces when they see her picture tapped to the fridge and they ask about her- no peace.

Hugs to you- because I KNOW!!! We creamed her and I was going to put spread her ashes at our cabin, but, what, 8 months later, I still can not do it. Maybe at some point.

I have to stop writting, I am crying now and I am at work.. yikes.

Hugs and for your sweet dog.

[HealingBeam]

We buried (we don't have the option of cremating pets) our dog, Ginger, under a huge oak near the beach she loved and spent her summer days swimming and laying in the sun with us.