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Online "place" for gifted adults? - Page 3

post #41 of 73
I can't believe I'm wasting so much headspace on this issue, but this is bothering me so much.

At any rate...as a former forensic scientist who has seen horrid cases of women and children being raped and tortured before being killed, and who had to process a case of where some unfortunate soul was chopped into parts and what was left of him on a carpet to rot for 3 months before being discovered, I can say there are a heck of a lot of things worse than simply being misunderstood and not having peers to talk to. My lab work helped put some very bad people away for a long time.

My suggestion to anyone having similar issues of loneliness - do SOMETHING to help your fellow man or woman or child. Use your talents to the betterment of human kind. Regardless of IQ, helping others helps yourself. It connects you to the world - there's only one way in the world and only one way out. Do what you can to make it a better place while you're here.

Write a book on how it sucks to be so smart and so misunderstood, blog about it, tell it how it is for you. In doing so you will probably find and help others like yourself.

You alleviate your feelings of loneliness and misunderstanding by doing something positive for others. That concept isn't rocket science and it certainly isn't new.

This is humanitarianism. Find something you believe in that will change things for others and you will probably find a lot of positive feelings in that. Work on that introversion with a counselor on gifted issues if you must to get over that hurdle, but pick something you believe in for your goal and that will help you over it.

If I was gifted with enormous potential to "save the world" on a grand scale, I would try to find that niche. As it is, I'm not. So I can only help others on a small scale, and often one person at a time. I do my part to help others through my blogs and through MDC and when I worked, through my career.

If it wasn't enough to satisfy me, I'd be doing more. When my children are older and need me less, I certainly plan to.

Anyway, this post was in no way meant to harm or tick anyone off. I'm just feeling some very big feelings at the moment and I think it's a responsibility of each and every one of us (regardless of IQ) to do whatever we can to help others. There is enough hate and apathy and ignorance going around, but where-ever I can, I choose to bring love and hope and understanding and compassion. That's MY mission in life, and I feel very satisfied at the moment.

It's not about ME, but about YOU (the general you). The more of YOU I can help, the better I feel.
post #42 of 73
Excellent post, Miss I.
post #43 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by JollyGG View Post
So I don't get what it's like to be profoundly gifted from an inside perspective. But not being profoundly gifted doesn't mean that I can't have a fantastic relationship with someone who is.
Well put. I agree.
post #44 of 73
I had an idea that I'd like to put out there. Since some of my blog is devoted to gifted issues, I was wondering if anyone (or more) would like to contribute a guest post on my blog about your gifted experience.

Some topic ideas would be like:
  • what it's like not to be able to share parts of yourself with others (and what it is you'd like to share with others).
  • what it's like to raise gifted kids
  • what it's like to see/think/feel differently
  • what you think you'd like to use your gifts for if you could do anything you'd want.
  • What YOU think need in your life to make things better for yourself or your children (if you could have any wish you'd want for yourself or your children).

in 1500 words or less in either Word or WordPerfect format (I have both).

You could do this totally anonymously - choose a pen name
You could do this and I could link it to your blog if you have one.


Anyone interested? pm me and I'll share my email address and you can send me your "essay"/blog post. The only I editing I would do is to make sure it looks right in wordpress. Otherwise, your words will be untouched (though I might correct the typos if you don't mind).

I can do a series of blog posts about YOUR thoughts and ideas and see what others might have to say. Who knows, perhaps you're ideas will resonate with someone and you would find a person who get's it.

Let me know.
post #45 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by no5no5 View Post
Excellent post, Miss I.
What I lack in IQ points I'd like to think I make up in passion!
post #46 of 73
I want to clarfiy a few things here because this is sort of like a run-away train and it's distressing to me as I read and say, 'no, that's not me and I didn't write that, or imply it, and yet...'.

I am not socially inept. I have figured out a lot of things about how others work and how to communicate effectively. My friends are not alientated from me; I am not alienating anyone presently since I choose carefully how I'll participate with others and that has meant not 'beginning' anything new. The women who are beginning instruments are doing so apart from one another and me. We're just encouragng one another, which works very well because I am very happy to and capable of helping others to see their strengths and encourage them, which is what I do for my friends.

They do not feel alientated. I do. IF I slip up and my abilities show, it is ME who is dismissed as though I am no longer human. Initially, it may be taken as novel, but once people come to know me better and see that my abilities are how they are, they stop treating me as a human being with feelings and needs like them. To be very clear- OTHERS feel completely cared for and loved by me, completely satisfied with our interactions. THEY are sated with the depth of our relations. I am not; I need just someone that I can feel the same way with as my friends feel with me.

I do not think there is anyone who is not worthy of being my friend. I have friends of various levels of ability- as I already shared in a pp. I have spent much time participating in the nitty-gritty of humanitarian works, and of course that is satisfying as a fellow human being helping someone in need. I grew up in an abusive home, not at all coddled or living a sweet high-IQ life, enjoying nectar from a silver spoon, or even being appreciated as a human being, let alone for who I am as an individual in community. I am not a cold, snobbish intellectual with a superiority complex. The social isolation experienced by eg and pg individuals even as distinct from the experience of other gifted adults is not unknown, and I don't think I need to reinvent the wheel- or research and anecdotal expressions of those who have already shared this information.

I just wanted to share a bit about my own struggle with anyone who could relate, because then I might find others like me. It wasn't ever intended to alienate those who do not relate or ask for someone to fix the perceived problem. This is not a disorder and I don't need socialising tips (as valuable as those truly are). As I wrote earlier, I have friends and relate well with everyone (who is not deliberately hostile). I am sad that what I have expressed as a hope for the possibility of a small ideal has been evaluated as a negativity.

I am at heart an idealist. I look for the best in everyone and am continually hopeful for the future and love helping others to see their purpose and potential. I have no preemptory negative perspective on others. What I have written was always about my personal struggles and not a reflection of who I think others to be. I have not written my every thought on anything that has been raised and I feel that far too much has been assumed with no attempt at clarifying what may have been misunderstood.

If you think that I am implying something terrible, instead of assuming your conclusion to be the truth, please ask me. It may well be (and is) that I cannot take the time to account for every possible interpretation of the words that I chose to most accurately reflect my thoughts, given the vast limitations of the english language and the vast range of experiences of individuals which inform those interpretations.

Miss Information, I didn't respond comprehensively to your post because I have precious little time being alone for 14 hrs/day with four boys in the woods (and two goslings). I popped in to respond but didn't have time to go through each of your points, even though I appreciated your perspective and struggles. I didn't ever have the time to devote to checking in and having a long discussion about this, but have been drawn into defending myself, it seems. I will try to write to you personally in the next short while. I have not shrugged you off or think that what you wrote has no value or any such thing. I see and appreciate the time and effort and heart you put into your posts in general and here too.

I do want to clarify just two more things, relating to Miss Information's post.

I understand that it is often the expectation that someone with unusual intellectual abilities might be expected to 'do' something with them, like save the world. I have experienced this expectation since having children (before that I was saving the world - well just locally and in a small way) most intensely. Many people who have time to know me a bit begin to question why I would just stay home and look after children. Some of them think that having a family has been a waste of my life because of my abilities. Some have expressed dismay that I'm not doing anything that they perceive as profound. I feel pretty confident, MI, that you would not be among those who think these things since you also have a family and I'm sure you know that it's never 'just staying home' to raise a family, and I understand that you have had some success in pursuing some of your individual interests as well.

I happen to think that in raising conscientious children, they will become conscientious adults who will next be in the position to lead. This is a very effective way of contributing to society and the betterment of the world in general- not in a sentimental way although it's that too, but even just practically. I don't imagine that my life will always be about the care of four 5 and unders, so I expect that as they grow in independence and interdependence, I will begin to enjoy a wider range of experiences of my own choosing as well. I have many plans.

The second thing has to do with MI's comment about my introversion. I don't know exactly what you meant by it, and I'm not really sure what to ask since I don't know your perspective, so I'll just share my own evaluation and you are free to clarify your on thoughts, of course, but please don't think that I assume you think the opposite of what I've expressed. I have considered that we may in fact agree afterall, but I don't know yet; hence my forthcoming explanation.

My introversion is part of my temperament and doesn't cause any difficulties for me. It does for others who are extroverts and have no idea why on earth I would actually WANT to spend time alone, and for my dh who has a difficult time facilitating that time for me with our children. Otherwise as far as my temperament goes, introversion is what it is. It's not a dysfunction or a disorder and doesn't require therapy or counseling to fix it or any aspect of it. It cannot be changed; I derive energy from introspection and solitude.

This is also how I understand my identity; without time alone to introspect, I lose track of who I am and what I need and how I relate to others and the universe. I will never derive energy from interaction with other people; it will always be an expenditure, which is not a negative thing at all. It just is what it is.

I am not shy or withdrawn or unsociable, just introverted, and extremely, which means that while other introverts are more moderate in their needs for alone and social time, I am not. I am extreme. In other words, I am in desperate need of alone time!!! I have four young children and a dh and no regular time apart whatsoever. I can't even take a pee without having to interact. So, I'm pretty tapped out, but that doesn't require therapy or counseling- just a commitment and willing partner for follow-through.

Miss Information, I don't know what your thoughts are about this, so please know that I am not attacking you or dismissing your attempt to help me.

Also, in case it seems that I'm presenting a case for my all-put-together-ness, I am not; I have many struggles (my parents are both addicts and I was isolated from having any friends or family contact by my parents. We moved every six months until I was 13 and I lived with the threat of being murdered every night from 11 yrs old until I left home at 17. I have lots of issues...), and maintaining relationships is certainly at the top of my list. It takes an enormous amount of energy and effort for me to do so and moreso because of the delicate balances required in addition to the usual delicate balances for everyone to feel confident and loved by me. I spend more of my time cultivating, fostering, learning and working on my relationships than doing anything else. I am certainly not above struggle, and I don't ever think 'woe is me for being so misunderstood'. I don't need everyone to understand me- just someone and just sometimes, and irl, and about things that are real to me as well as to them.

Again, to everyone, this thread as far as I have understood it was never about a social ineptitude, but a desire to connect with a specific sort of person, not to the exclusion of all others, but in addition to. That has been my hope, and I think it was the intention of the OP as well.
post #47 of 73
I'm wondering what you make of the fact that some PG people feel very satisfied in their relationships and don't feel the kind of alienation or loneliness that you describe. And, the fact that some MG or typical folks do feel this sense that others are satisfied in relationships but they are not.
post #48 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by PreggieUBA2C View Post
They do not feel alientated. I do. IF I slip up and my abilities show, it is ME who is dismissed as though I am no longer human. Initially, it may be taken as novel, but once people come to know me better and see that my abilities are how they are, they stop treating me as a human being with feelings and needs like them.
I wonder how much of this is happening in your head and how much of it is happening in reality. I have never had someone react that way when I showed my abilities. I have experienced amusement, shock, and disbelief, but never has anyone treated me as anything other than human. I wonder if, particularly in light of your extremely abusive and traumatic childhood, you are misinterpreting the reactions of others. If it is true that people you know have reacted that way, I think my response is that you should get the heck away from those people. Anyone who treats another human being as less than human is someone I, personally, do not want to be around (much less to have around my DD).

I too have had anxieties over others finding out that I am different (for one reason or another), but in the end I have almost always concluded that my fears were irrational. The one exception for me is my atheism, which can get me into trouble (especially here, in the South). But even then, I surround myself with people who will not act like bigots if/when they find out, and I have no problems.
post #49 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by PreggieUBA2C View Post

It isn't enough to find people with similar interests either. As an example, I have never been a beginner at anything, even when I've just begun. I have been conversing with two other women who are beginning to learn a new instrument, just as I am as well. I've chosen the ukulele (I play a beautiful mahogany tenor uke with a cut-away and electric capacity) and they've chosen other instruments. I have no experience with any musical instrument, and the first night I took it out of its case, I was looking after our boys while my dh practiced with a group for a small performance (he plays guitar). That night, I had 20 minutes to hold it, learn how to tune it, learn what it feels like, and in that 20 minutes, I composed a version of one of the songs my dh and others were playing. I started as a low-intermediate player. Do you have any idea how alienating that is to both me and to others? I can't just jump in with anyone because just my abilities alone are threatening to most people.
So what happens if you leave the beginner ukulele group and join a group oriented at players at your current skill level? Granted, I don't know how many ukulele groups are out there but that's just an example. The basic suggestion here is that if you can't relate to the group you started with anymore, maybe it's best to look for a group that fits your needs better.

My writing group, as another example, has members who range between 23 and 60; we are all at a similar writing level and share similar goals, but clearly did not take the same path getting to where we are. (And since we're all science fiction writers, it doesn't bother anyone if you're an intellectual nerd... nearly everyone I've encountered in my field is high on the nerd scale or wishes they were.)

Like I said in another thread, I do feel isolated sometimes, but I don't feel that has much to do with giftedness. It's because I'm a major introvert and don't usually put out enough effort to connect deeply with many other people. And my husband is a better introvert than me, which doesn't really help! Thank god for the Internet or we'd never socialize at all.
post #50 of 73
I've been following this thread with interest, and have been giving a lot of thought to my own life as a result.

When I began reading this discussion, I didn't immediately relate to the type of alienation and loneliness being expressed. As I came back to it again, I remembered that there have been times in my adult life when I have felt this way, but because it hasn't been an issue lately, I hadn't really been thinking about it. How quickly we forget!

I've been able to spend most of the last 20+ years surrounded by people who are on a similar intellectual level. During the course of the average week, I don't need to censor myself with the people I interact with, and I feel deeply understood by more than one person I spend time with.

But of course, there have been times when I haven't been in such a good place -- most notably shortly after I moved to this area, when I hadn't yet found people I clicked with; after all of my closest friends moved away in the space of one year; and for the first year after I became a SAHM.

So yes, I do know what you're talking about. I do experience it as having to do with being "gifted", though I suspect that anyone who has something unusual that is central to who they are may have similar experiences. One example I can think of is transgendered persons.

After reading this thread, I am particularly thankful for the people I have in my life who fulfill this need for me, and am reminded that I worked hard to find them and to preserve my relationships with them over the course of many years. I shudder to think how isolated I would probably feel if I moved somewhere with a lower population density and a less active intellectual life.

Thank you for the reminder.
post #51 of 73
Preggie -

While I have not walked a mile in your shoes, I do understand introversion. I do understand how being highly sensitive and attuned to the needs of my children is the most exhausting and rewarding thing I've ever experienced - much harder than having worked in any of my jobs or living under the constant oppression of my family.

I also do know what abusive familial relationships are like (though the family abuse I experienced was emotional and not physical and I did not live under threat of murder though perhaps my mother did with my real father) and parental substance abuse is like (my real father was an alcoholic and beat my mother around and my step-father was not much better). My husband, as wonderful as he is, sometimes drinks too much and it scares me. Sometimes he gets very angry and says hurtful things when he drinks (yes, he's gifted but that doesn't prevent him from being human).

I guess I don't know what else to say. Certainly I'm sorry if I've offended you. But I do get not having people understand me. Perhaps I'm not as highly gifted as you are, yet I still struggle that I am not the same as others in my life. The things that I'm passionate about aren't even things my own husband is interested in. He tries, but it's just not the same. I do feel alienated from people at times, yet I persist in spite of it. I may not feel the same level as alienation as you, but I still feel different enough to notice it. When I did find someone who got it, I got very involved in an emotional affair with him that very nearly cost us both of our marriages (I partly got involved because of my husband's drinking got out of hand and he hated to go anywhere with me that had people and if alcohol was involved he'd embarrass me on more than one occasion with his drinking - I was ready to leave him for that for that person who never drank).

The funny thing about what you replied is I had a voice in the back of my head as I was typing about saving others and humanitarianism telling me "you know, it's possible that she doesn't even feel she wants to or that she should put her talents for the betterment of others SIMPLY because she's been given gifts/talents. Maybe she's not interested in saving the world, or, as I know this to be true in my own experience - NOT everyone wants to be saved or enlightened".

Yet...I had to throw that out there. Because that's part of the ultimate level in human development (I'm thinking both of Maslow's hierarchy of needs and now Dabrowski's levels of development because it's similar).

But...in looking a little more into what you have written, I could see how it is exhausting to have come from the background you have come from and simply reading it back, I'm left wondering - since you are attending to everyone else's needs, there seems to be a glaring absence of who is attending to YOUR needs.

Have you gotten counseling for all the pain you've been through? I can't address that here. I have no expertise in that area, but it seems to me that if it hasn't been addressed, it should be, somewhere along the way.

At any rate, I hope this wasn't completely a waste of your time. I do appreciate your openness and am glad that your early experiences haven't destroyed you. I do hope you have come away from this thread with something good (even if it's just a venting session). It hurts me that people out there hurt. I try to help where I can. Sometimes I have to accept that I'm not always going to be successful.
post #52 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roar View Post
I'm wondering what you make of the fact that some PG people feel very satisfied in their relationships and don't feel the kind of alienation or loneliness that you describe. And, the fact that some MG or typical folks do feel this sense that others are satisfied in relationships but they are not.
I suppose I would make of it what I could if I knew their respective situations. I imagine that some pg people have pg siblings and members of their families who understand much more closely who they are than I have and have a support that allows for certain sorts of relationships to develop that healthfully nurture each person and their respective abilities. I imagine that there are pg people who are much lonelier than I am, and everything in between.

I'm not an ambassador for PG people, so it is completely expected that others would have different experiences than I do. I don't know what the nature of your questions is; it is not baffling to me that people the world over have similar and different experiences and in similar and different contexts. I'm not sure why you think I ought to have a response to the questions you asked. My experiences don't invalidate those of others, even if they are similar- or different.

Is it the medium that is causing your responses to seem antagonistic, or are you actually confronting me with judgments and asking me to answer to them? I can't tell, and I don't want this thread to continue in that vein. Could you clarify your intentions in asking me these questions?

Quote:
Originally Posted by no5no5 View Post
I wonder how much of this is happening in your head and how much of it is happening in reality. I have never had someone react that way when I showed my abilities. I have experienced amusement, shock, and disbelief, but never has anyone treated me as anything other than human. I wonder if, particularly in light of your extremely abusive and traumatic childhood, you are misinterpreting the reactions of others. If it is true that people you know have reacted that way, I think my response is that you should get the heck away from those people. Anyone who treats another human being as less than human is someone I, personally, do not want to be around (much less to have around my DD).

I too have had anxieties over others finding out that I am different (for one reason or another), but in the end I have almost always concluded that my fears were irrational. The one exception for me is my atheism, which can get me into trouble (especially here, in the South). But even then, I surround myself with people who will not act like bigots if/when they find out, and I have no problems.
I've wondered that too and a few years ago, I endeavoured to figure that out, which is what lead to me deciding to not enter into new learning with others. I didn't mean to imply that I'm treated abusively (and it took me years to figure out what that was too), but that they seem to think that I'm beyond the common man and don't need the same sorts of things like reassurance or affection in relationships, or that anything can be said to me and not considered because I should know what they mean, when what they've said or done is actually hurtful.

I am not given the same courtesies as others (not always, but it seems the better someone knows me, the more they think I'm omniscient, which I am not), so they don't think a response to a letter is necessary to me (or even in conversation as with my dh), when it is to their other friends, for instance.

I had a friend who moved to the US, but for a long time we corresponded and after she stopped replying or calling me back, I wrote and called to catch up with her. I asked her about this, whether she thought I didn't care about her or if she was upset or whatever the reason for her not responding was. She told me that she's always felt so comfortable and secure in our friendship that when she's faced with dividing her time, she catches up with people who are less understanding than me because she knows that they need more confirmation of the friendship than me, that she knows that I won't just shrug her off if she doesn't keep up, whereas her other friends will. This is not true, of course, but it was her perception of me and came on the heels of having many conversations about what relationships are and how I view the universe and the interconnectedness of all things. This isn't the best example, but it's a common one.

It doesn't seem to be related to giftedness, but when I inquired some more, it turned out that she thought this because she thinks that I have unending patience because I understand anything I want to without difficulty. She figured that since there's nothing I've tried that I couldn't do, nothing I've ever struggled to learn, that I have this eternal capacity for voids too, that I can't truly be hurt.

I can understand this, and it happens even now with other people. They see me as on some other plane of existence and just forget or don't realise that I need the same things as them, and if I point that out (if it's necessary- I don't ever bring up my abilities as points of discussion or in passing; it's just when others want to discuss what they think they see that I engage) it's baffling to them. The way that people in general speak about and treat the lives of film celebrities, for instance, completely neglects the reality that they are people first. Or the way that discovering that the kindergarten teacher eats and goes to the bathroom was so bewildering to the class demonstrates what I was referring to, although I don't think of myself as being elevated or more special or anything else like that. Those examples are just more readily available than me explaining what happens here with the particular people we spend our time with.

I used to spend time with people who emulated the relationships I had as a child, but once I realised that, I changed my whole life. The friends I have now are very open and kind people. I love who they are. I love that they love me. I am not lacking in those particular relationships. I am lacking a specific relationship outside of the ones I already enjoy. I think that it's not unhealthy to desire to have a friend that I can just be with. Just sit or work and be and exchange knowing glances, read together about odd things and ably relate divergent thoughts and ideas, without having to prove anything. I know that people have this sort of friendship, and I can too, but for me, probably not in person.

I mentioned a friend I made at my dh's board. It's not an ideal situation because he lives in Texas and I live in Yukon, Canada. We can write and that's so nice for us, but we're both very busy and having tea together is out of the question. Also, he is in a different stage in his life which is fine, of course, but it would just be so nice to also connect with someone who can discuss the way we do, but who is a mother, and radically non-mainstream (he's this, but in a different sphere), for lack of a better descriptor without a giant explanation. I don't have to have this. It would just be very relieving.

I think that even if I never find that friend, the loneliness that I described is just ever-present and I'm used to it, so it won't ruin me at this point. I have lots of healthy coping mechanisms, and once I can actually employ them again , I'll feel better too. Having little children has exacerbated this for me because I have been cut off from my preferred outlets for creativity and introspection.

Anyway, sorry for the convoluted response. I'm tending my boys at the same time as flitting by the computer and typing in a sentence here and there.

As an aside, my dh is studying atheism currently. It is a topic of intense interest to him. Here in Canada, at least in the West and Ontario, atheism is far more common than any faith group. I am a believer, but because I'm a raging liberal , I end up being on the outs with both most activistic atheists and faith groups. We've found a little pocket of raging liberals (of many philosophical and religious perspectives) though, so we can carefully express our bizarro ideas and not fear retribution. I guess we'd be pretty fringe; I cannot imagine living in the south of the US and being a believer. I'm safest here because most people couldn't care any less what I believe, and that suits me just fine.

I'll pop in again later maybe.
post #53 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by PreggieUBA2C View Post

I mentioned a friend I made at my dh's board. It's not an ideal situation because he lives in Texas and I live in Yukon, Canada. We can write and that's so nice for us, but we're both very busy and having tea together is out of the question. Also, he is in a different stage in his life which is fine, of course, but it would just be so nice to also connect with someone who can discuss the way we do, but who is a mother, and radically non-mainstream (he's this, but in a different sphere), for lack of a better descriptor without a giant explanation. I don't have to have this. It would just be very relieving.

I think that even if I never find that friend, the loneliness that I described is just ever-present and I'm used to it, so it won't ruin me at this point. I have lots of healthy coping mechanisms, and once I can actually employ them again , I'll feel better too. Having little children has exacerbated this for me because I have been cut off from my preferred outlets for creativity and introspection.

Anyway, sorry for the convoluted response. I'm tending my boys at the same time as flitting by the computer and typing in a sentence here and there.

I'll pop in again later maybe.
I've felt very similarly about my situation too. Being cut off from my outlets, spending an inordinate amount of time trying to cope with my dd2s issues, non-mainstream - though not radically so.

I used to think I wanted a specific type of friend to fit the bill. I realized that person doesn't exist and never has around here (and I don't live in the middle of the woods). I'm not going to find exactly what I want, so I have to make do with the internet and take the bits of friendship where I can.

I found I have found more wisdom in older friends, the ones not in the thick of parenting struggles as I am or even in males. I have an email relationship with my old boyfriend who was a stoner in high school. But he turned out to have some really interesting things to say ever since he became a father. It was a different way of thinking, for sure, but the love and the dedication he had to his daughter was amazing (he volunteers at his daughter's school 3x a week, loves kids, and works from home at night to be able to do that).

Because of our communications, I made the effort to work on my own issues with regards to parenting my intense child because he's modeling what healthy parenting looks like to me. I laugh because he's constantly telling me, "eh, what do I know, right"...but honestly, he's had quite a bit of wisdom for me and it has improved the quality of my life.

All this to say, I get it, somewhat. I do.
post #54 of 73
I think I can understand what Preggie's describing. What I hear you saying, Preggie, is that you are seeking (yearn for?) a connection with another that meets your intellectual, emotional and spiritual needs and that embraces, engages, acknowledges and does not neglect all of who you are. I think you're realistic about this and don't expect that whole package in one other person, but would like to find someone who gives you enough of the above to fill the gap you feel. I think you're saying that if this person is going to be like you in some pretty significant ways, they're also going to be statistical outliers - thus, harder to find. Also, your expectation is that these unusual characteristics are important to achieving this connection. I get that, and accept that this is your perspective.

I don't know that you're looking for or need anybody to just acknowledge and accept, without trying to argue nuance, in this thread. But I'm offering it anyway .

SENG has a lovely article (ugh, can't find it now!) about friendship and I have watched my daughter struggle with being out of place. She's very socially capable, but she just craves more in her relationships than her school peers can offer at this stage of development. Is it because she's gifted and that's somehow qualitatively different? Is it because she's a statistical outlier and she just hasn't met that person because of scale? I don't know, I just know that she yearns. She's making do, she's thriving and carrying on, but she's still looking.

I think beyond "giftedness" each of us have a make up: personality, motivation, emotional and psychic baggage, experiences etc etc. What we need to feel whole is going to be very individual, and can be complicated by the number of other unique variables we bring to our relationships.
post #55 of 73
Is this the article you are referring to?

http://www.sengifted.org/articles_so...eShelter.shtml
post #56 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Information View Post
Is this the article you are referring to?

http://www.sengifted.org/articles_so...eShelter.shtml
That might be it, although I remember the article being longer than three pages...It does speak to some of what I was thinking about in this thread:

Quote:
...seek the sure shelter of a relationship of trust, fidelity and authenticity...“A faithful friend is a sure shelter; whoever finds one has found a rare treasure.” The word “rare” has several meanings. The
writer of the book of Ecclesiasticus used it in the sense of “exceptional” or “incomparable”...However, “rare” also means “scarce”. Intellectually gifted children grouped by chronological age may find that the treasure of
a sure shelter is rare indeed.
post #57 of 73
You know, on the subject of friendships, I've been thinking more on things. Rather than posting here, I blogged about it.

It's here in case anyone was wondering about it here:
post #58 of 73
Preggie, you have my sympathies. I can't even imagine trying to deal with four kids--I feel overwhelmed with one, at times.

I think if people don't give you what you want in a relationship, you have an obligation to explain it to them. It sounds like you've done that and perhaps your friends have not been as understanding as they should have been.

I have been thinking about this thread a good deal. Lately, I have been thinking of one of my very best friends, someone I feel I could say anything to, and she would understand. We have been close friends for over fifteen years, despite a few big fights and a few small misunderstandings. If there is anyone in my life (besides my family) I feel certain would accept me and understand me no matter what, it would be her. We have many, many things in common--our aesthetic sensibilities, our sense of humor, our loyalty and protectiveness of our friends, our insecurities, our fears, and so on. She is not gifted. She is not even "bright"--she is as ND as they come. She knows that I am HG, but it just doesn't matter. My physical appearance (I am tall, thin, and conventionally pretty; she is shorter, heavier, and unconventionally beautiful) has been more of an issue. I think when we were younger there were times when she felt that I should not need the same kinds of things she needed because I was more "attractive" than she was. Perhaps she didn't think that my concerns about my love life or my clothes or (back in the day) makeup were as worthy of concern as hers. She got over it.

I guess I said all that to say this: if your friends hurt you, let them know. If you need something, seek it out and don't stop looking for it until you find it. I think if you are a good friend to others, understanding their deficiencies just as you expect them to understand yours, but also knowing when to say when, you will eventually find someone, PG or not, who gets you. I hope it happens soon.
post #59 of 73
Edited because it was too much of my rambling thoughts on the subject and not really in line with the nature of the discussion on the thread.

Carry on!
post #60 of 73
Thread Starter 
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Edited by StoriesInTheSoil - 7/28/11 at 10:25pm
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