WWYD if your child and his/her friends gangs up on another kid?

[Chakra]

In my neighborhood we have a group of boys age 8-11. They all play and free range the neighborhood together. They have always been good friends and good kids. My son is 8. There is about 7 boys in this group.

It seems they do not like one of the boys now. They say he popped my sons bike tire and will not be friends with him.

I didnt think anything of it. I was just going to let them deal with it. Until.....

The little boy came over to play and all the other boys were soooo mean to him. I felt so bad. They would not let him inside and were calling him a alien invader and to get lost. My son said he's not in 'the group' anymore and he needs to leave his property.

I felt bad and let him inside to play anyways. He looked like he was going to cry (poor guy).

Just wondering how you would handle the situation?????

[hippiemommaof4]

how sad...i would have said something to my son about how we dont treat people that way ever. I have had my kids do that to eachother at times and i tell them its not ok. If other kids do it to my kids or my kids join along with the crowd who is doing it I for sure tell them that if they want to treat people unkind then they wont be playing anymore until they learn how to be kind to others. If other parents have beef with me saying that to their kids too bad my house my rules. being mean and ganging up on someone is never okay.

[GuildJenn]

I'd start by reading (or re-reading) Barbara Coloroso's book on Bullying, and then I'd step in as soon as I heard it and talk to all the boys about their roles and why this is not okay.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

One of the towns I lived in growing up, I was the "alien invader". Man, words like that hurt so much when you're a kid. I love kids so much, but mine is so young...that I sometimes forget how young they are when they have the ability to be so mean to each other.

This strikes me as one of those situations where "group think" is playing a key role. I think you probably have a lovely son, who, if he talked to you about it alone would probably be nudged gently by his "inner voice" with a little reminder about how it feels to be the "odd one out".

Wy don't you try catching him alone when he is relaxed and asking "Hey, what did you think about what happened with 'johnny' today?" And you know...he says "I don't know. What do you mean?" and you could say "Well, I knew you guys had a falling out, but I didn't realize how angry everyone is in the situation. I couldn't help but see, when I looked at Johnny's face, how sad and alone he looked. I think he was going to cry, didn't you think that?"

And go from there. Kids are beautiful inside, they have the love-knowledge they need to navigate these situations...it's just the "group think" that gets in the way sometime. I'm sure it wouldn't be super hard to sort of lead him with questions and gentle suggestions, to the thought that you should always look out for the underdog and when you think someone had done something you always collect proof before you punish someone with this type of scorn.

GL mama....man, it must be hard to see these kid dramas play out. It really brings me back to when I was a kid. These things seemed so serious at the time. I can recall clearly!

[HarperRose]

At first response reading this, I would tell all the boys in my house: "Absolutely NOT. That behavior is mean and will not be tolerated in my house. You will ALL play together NICELY and include everyone. If you are not playing nicely, you WILL go home. Am I clear?" I don't play that game. Not w/ my kids, not w/ their friends.



Now, after thinking about it, I would continue addressing it w/ all of them, either as a whole or in smaller sets, whatever, and I would try to drive home the idea that it's not nice to exclude someone. If they have a problem and can't resolve it (clearly they were all upset about the tire), let an adult know. I really like the advice of the above poster.


to that poor kid!

[eepster]

I think you're going to need support from the other moms to deal with this. Can you call them.

[MorgnsGrl]

Definitely a situation that needs to be handled right away!

I'd sit "the group" down together, without the boy who's being excluded, and tell them, "I can see that the situation with X is a real problem. Can you tell me what happened and why you're so annoyed with him?" Listen to their explanations, and then say, "Okay, now I understand what you're thinking. But I need you to know that excluding him the way you have been, kicking him out of the group, calling him names, is NOT ACCEPTABLE, even if he did something you don't like. We need to find a way to work this out as a group, because that's what responsible people do."

Then I'd have a second group meeting, including the boy who's being excluded. I'd ask the group to be quiet at first, and tell the boy "These kids are feeling upset with you because [explain situation from their point of view]. Can we hear your side of things?" Listen to him, then say that you all need to brainstorm together and come up with a resolution, and help them do that.

[lilyka]

i sat every one down and made it clear that my kids and their guests were not allowed to exclude people or be mean and the next person i saw excluding or being mean were not allowed over anymore. i was also very clear about what behaviors i wanted to see.

[choli]

Yikes, I'd nip that in the bud! No name calling allowed in our house, I'd sit them all down for a discussion of why they were behaving in such an unacceptable manner.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by Justthatgirl

At first response reading this, I would tell all the boys in my house: "Absolutely NOT. That behavior is mean and will not be tolerated in my house. You will ALL play together NICELY and include everyone. If you are not playing nicely, you WILL go home. Am I clear?" I don't play that game. Not w/ my kids, not w/ their friends.

I agree.

[NiteNicole]

I don't have kids this age yet, but I grew up in a neighborhood where all the kids ran as a pack.

At that point, I'd send everyone home - or tell the little boy, "it's time for everyone to go home now, we'll see you tomorrow" and then get to the bottom of the problem before disbanding for the day. It's no good inviting the kid in when they've been making fun of him, the "group" will be resentful and the kid will just have a rotten time. Then you find out what the problem really is.

Not all people like each other, not everyone gets along. I get that. If this kid is just someone who is on the outs TODAY, it will blow over and it's a good time to talk about things like getting along and being nice, even when you don't feel like it and not leaving people out, not doing name calling or ganging up on one kid, etc.

If the boy is intentionally destructive and difficult (some kids just are, we had one in our neighborhood of "free range" kids - always breaking something, hitting someone, taking things, starting trouble, just kind of mean) then you need another plan. I always resented that I was expected to play with the mean kid just because our moms were friends and we lived in the same neighborhood. Getting stuck playing with the mean kid generally means a tense afternoon of being blullied, having my stuff broken, and possibly stolen, and trying to stay out of whatever trouble you know is coming. As an adult, I would avoid someone like that. I think it's only fair that kids are allowed the same.

Also, we pretty much had a "play in the front yards where you'll hear your mom if she called" rule. There was very little playing inside each others houses. I think that made it easier for us to spread out when there was too much togetherness and also easier for someone to just go home if it wasn't going well. We have a lot of kids where we live now, and I like the "play outside" rule. It's less like a playdate and easier to just send kids back across the yard when things get too much.

[octobermom]

Originally Posted by Justthatgirl

At first response reading this, I would tell all the boys in my house: "Absolutely NOT. That behavior is mean and will not be tolerated in my house. You will ALL play together NICELY and include everyone. If you are not playing nicely, you WILL go home. Am I clear?" I don't play that game. Not w/ my kids, not w/ their friends.



Now, after thinking about it, I would continue addressing it w/ all of them, either as a whole or in smaller sets, whatever, and I would try to drive home the idea that it's not nice to exclude someone. If they have a problem and can't resolve it (clearly they were all upset about the tire), let an adult know. I really like the advice of the above poster.


to that poor kid!

I agree I have no issues with my child not wanting to play with another but name calling and bullying ike that will not be tollorated.

Deanna

[Chakra]

Thanks for the replys. I had a good talk and my son. And the other boys. It looks like they are friends again. Yayyyyyy.

[mamadebug]

Glad to hear they are friends again. I think it still needs to be dealt with, though. The entire group excluding the boy and calling him names is bullying. Bullying is crushing and should not be tolerated. If the behavior of all the kids isn't addressed now, it will happen again. If I was in your shoes, I would first contact the other parents, explain what happened and see if hopefully you can get everyone to agree that it is not tolerable and won't be tolerated at anyone's home. Then call a meeting with all of the kids and let them know the new rules. I think if it is presented to the kids in a way that they know the parents are aware, are taking it seriously and not going to allow it, the kids will take it seriously, too. I also get that the boy may be the hard kid to get along with or whatever. That behavior needs to be addressed separately so that he can hopefully integrate into the group. In the meantime, the other kids need to know that they can't bully.