3 year old does not listen!!

[SunshineSwirl]

My sister and I were joking about how we should write on here, how to beat my child into submission, because it's getting pretty bad. And if I let it continue (even though we are trying to curb it) it could be horrible for everyone in the home. So here's the deal:

My little boy is such a joy, until he stops listening. Then everything goes down hill. I am a parent that believes that the child needs to understand the parent is the authority and as long as it does not hurt the child, the child should listen as the parent knows what is best. So from breastfeeding it started, instead of allowing him to only nurse from one side, I'd put him down wait a minute and then try again on the side he didn't want until he took it and accepted it was my way not his. Things were fine until I found out I had complete placenta previa with my last pregnancy, we had moved across the country away from family that could really help, and I couldn't do a thing (think not being able to get the clothes out of the dryer myself...my oldest had to do it for me) and to top it off, my husband was in Georgia for 3 months doing training while we live in Northern Virginia. So I stopped enforcing rules, really stopped caring about disciplining as a whole. And after my oldest saw how little attention she got, she began following suit of her brother in order to just get yelled at for attention. She was always my listener without a thought, so it was nothing I had to teach, and so it becomes more frustrating when the two of them don't listen. And I sure don't want my third to think it's okay.

Now baby is here and I have tried all sorts of nice, gentle ways to get my son to listen, but nothing is working. So yes I did end up smacking his butt a couple of times. I am not proud of it, so please don't flame. My siblings and I were abused as children, so this was the last place I wanted to take it, but sometimes it gets more than frustrating when nothing is working and I am telling him the same thing 10 million times and it tends to turn into a fight for all of us in the room....for example, my daughter broke a bowl and I told them both to stay away. The first thing he does is step into the mess asking 20 questions on why he can't be there. Thank God he didn't get hurt.

I know he is extremely curious, and so we answer almost all his Why's and questions, but he still doesn't listen to basic commands like don't swing the baby when she is in the baby swing, or stop jumping on the bed, because you can fall and break your neck!! I am tandem nursing and he gets it everytime he asks (for a little bit I had to decrease his amount due to it taking a toll on my body, but we've since gone back to on demand for him) and my new baby gets less attention than my older kids did at her age, because I am placing it on them.

So I am asking for ways to help my son listen the first time. Yes he is 3, but I know he is able, since he did it at 2!! Thank you!!

[alexsam]

3 year olds are developmentally different than 2 year olds. In sum, 3 year olds "don't listen" period. No matter WHAT you do. It is just how they are. They are learning very quickly and testing social boundaries. One minute they are acting like a kid and the next like a toddler. 3 is a hard age and the first thing you need to do is not set yourself up to make it a personal challenge to "make him listen" but to really think through what your objectives are. Is it more important that he obeys or that he learns how to make good decisions? Is your role an enforcer or a teacher? If you want to be an enforcer, try reading Pavlov. If you want to be a teacher, to find out how to not just have a kid that follows directions but learns how to make good decisions, learns self control and who trusts you as a guide through this life, then stick around here on MDC. Here it is not about enforcing and controling, but teaching.

Your 3 year old is not doing this to you, it is not personal... it is developmental (and a baby crying for a different breast is also not doing so with a control objective- they are just hungry).

Sometimes when we try so hard, the message looses its effect. If we are always saying "Don't do that because I said so", because there is little to really grow from or learn in that message, the child stops hearing it.

Also... and I hope I am not offending with this, but often when people are so concerned with power and authority it is because they are not truly secure in their own. They make a point of their power whenever possible because they do not feel confident in being able to deal with challenges to their authority. They are unsure of what they are doing, why, or how to do it. Maybe you need to think about developing more profound parenting and discipline goals?

[bendingbirch]

Hi there,
I would suggest you do some reading and attend some Attachment Parenting or La Leche League meetings in your area regarding how to set loving limits and to better understand normal childhood development.
I would recommend "Your THree Year Old" by the Gesell Institute, "Adventures in Gentle Discipline" by LLL and there have been other threads that mention other great Gentle Discipline books.

Barbara Coloroso's book "Kids Are worth It" may help you understand the different types of families and the affects being a more authoritarian family has on a small child.

A three year old cannot do something just because you say so. Their brains cannot control their bodies that fast, they are learning self-control over their bodies, they have a small attention span, they have a ton of energy. I know a three old seems big now that the baby is here, but I assure you three and four is still very, very little. Four is a great age for sitting on laps, and if you can keep in mind these ages are little and to keep your expectations at the appropriate level, you will have a much more loving relationship with your boy.

Setting loving limits and using gentle discipline does not mean you set no limits, but it does mean you set them in a loving manner and you use tools that are appropriate for the age, including less words, less explanation, more use of rhythm to your day and getting the energy of the boy out, separating your three year old and your baby when you need to, helping to guide your child through what you want gently but with help and not just verbage, using humor and warmth and love and smiling.

It can be hard work, but I guarantee if you try this for awhile, you will see the benefits and the stage you are setting for the later years for your son, whom I know you must love very much.

It is wonderful you feel safe enough on this gentle discipline forum to ask this very serious question that could shift your parenting forever.

You can peek under the tag section "no spanking" on my blog www.theparentingpassageway.com. There is a lot there about gentle discipline on there, go and review the past threads and they will help you.

[umsami]

:

It's perfectly normal for a three year old not to listen.. as frustrating as that is! It's also more normal for boys "not to hear" you than girls.

I think there's some basics that might help:

1) Come over to him, don't yell across the room
2) Get down on his level
3) Speak in a low, calm voice

Also, offer options. So.. with the broken bowl... say, "I can't have you here because you might get hurt. But, can you help me by going and getting the broom? (or something else)

With jumping on the bed... "It's only OK to jump on the bed when you're holding Mommy's hands for safety." Or... you can't jump on the bed when it's up high like that, but later we'll put your mattress on the floor and you can jump on that. (Crib/toddler bed mattresses make great trampolines )