Unconditional Parenting Chapter 8: Love Without Strings Attached

[Super Glue Mommy]

Chapter 8 discussion here we come!

[foodmachine]

I thought this chapter was really good and read a lot of it aloud to DH.
I think it's hard for people to understand how to give feedback and attention w/out praise or for that matter, understand what is praise or not.

Kohn explains on p 156 that praise is "where the emphasis is on how YOU feel about" what your child has done. Instead we can say nothing, describe rather than evaluate, explain the effects of the child's action on other people, invite reflection or ask rather than judge (p. 157).

I was playing devil advocate to DH and defending the chapter tooth and nail but is it ever ok to say "incredible catch" or "awesome drum fill", when something is truely incredible or awesome? Or does it have to be "you did it!" and "how do you do that?" always. What about when they are older and you have instilled in them the ability to decide for themselves what they like or dislike. Don't we ever just want to know what someone we love thinks? I do.

[mommabear207]

sorry for the abscence! i will be back later to post need to get to my book and attend to ds....

[Super Glue Mommy]

I havent forgotten you ladies. I will be posting my thoughts on this chapter soon. it seems we've all gotten a little behind on this so im not starting chapter 9 until next week.

[foodmachine]

Hi! Just seeing if anyone is still around. I too have been enjoying the warm weather. :

[avaylee]

I haven't participated in the rest of the discussion, but my DH and I are working through this book right now. So many of the ideas really resonate with us, but we are both struggling with this idea of not giving praise. We definitely see what Kohn is saying, but I think it's so much a part of our cultural anatomy to say things like "Wow, that's amazing" or "I think that is so beautiful".
I think we're trying to mitigate this a little by adding "What do you like/dislike about this" to the end of any praise. I think I'm honestly just so fascinated by what my two year old can do that I do find much of it amazing, and I share that.
Curious how others are responding to this. It's hard to see praise as judgment, and yet... I can totally see it...

[dogretro]

Is the book discussion still going on? Now that dd has become more mobile and independent, I have had many more chances to practice (and not, whoops!) my unconditional parenting.

Ive been extremely busy this past month taking care of my two babies, but still want to be in this conversation!

[avaylee]

I hope this discussion is still going on, because I could use some folks to bounce ideas off of. For example, Kohn talks about observation and queries for your kid, like "why did you decide to do x instead of y" or "what big circles you have drawn", etc. We're doing fine with observation but at just over two years old, what/why/how aren't questions that my kiddo can answer very often. At this toddler age, are there other questions I can ask to engage her, or is it really just observation at this point?

[foodmachine]

I'm here! I have finished the book and am keen to discuss more. The praise question I had in post 2 is still relevant.

Originally Posted by avaylee

At this toddler age, are there other questions I can ask to engage her, or is it really just observation at this point?

DD is 17 months, so I'm still observing/describing or just observing/keeping quiet.
Perhaps questions that allow them to show us or demonstrate something , "what crayon did you use?" or "which block is the door?", "can you show me how to make a pizza?", "what can we do with the box now?", "I'd like a to build one of those, can you help me?".
Then we can put words to the actions that follow.