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Originally Posted by angelandmisha  I think it's great that you are in favor of a gentle approach- I'd guess that mostly you'd find the reverse. Anyway, what about modeling the gentle approach for your daughter, maybe when you're over, anticipate what might cause trouble and redirect, distract your grandson. Is there something different in your dd's life causing her to be more stressed put and less patient? Maybe she's getting/feeling some pressure from a new friend at church who isn't gentle with her kids? Maybe you could offer to keep your grandson so she could have a little break, maybe you could take just her out for lunch and a nice talk- maybe she just needs a break. Maybe she's getting pressure from her dh to get more compliance? Maybe you could share with her why you decided to stop spanking and how you didn't think it worked. You could say that you've noticed she's been a little less patient lately and us there anything you can do to help- you might get a lot of info that way. Ask her how she'd like for you to share advice/concerns with her. Or maybe suggest that you two read a gentle discipline book together and talk about it together. Maybe she could even join here and ask us for advice.
Unconditional Parenting is a great book to get some insight on why punishment and time out doesn't work and to focus on what the long term goals of parenting rightly are. It might be a bit much for her right now, but you'd probably get a lot out of it.
Good luck, I'm sure it's tough to see your grandson treated in a way that seems overly harsh. Also maybe a book about developmental capabilities could help- perhaps she's expecting too much of him. You could share stories of when she was that age and what she could/couldn't do and how you responded, if it worked and what you would do differently if you could.
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We have my grandson over about one weekend a month. It's not her dh that wants more compliance, I think it's the expectation at their church that good, Christian parents keep their children under control. She loves this place, it's huge and there are myriad home groups, study groups, activities, etc. She feels like she really belongs and she has made lots of friends with many young mothers there. They don't believe anything "weird" or outlandish, they just take to heart the biblical admonition of "spare the rod, spoil the child" which to them means spanking and parental authority is absolute.
I have given her the link to this forum. I don't know if she's peeked in yet or not.
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Originally Posted by ElliesMomma i'm gonna take a wild guess and say probably the fact that she now also has a 2 month old.
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LOL!! Yes, but even before the baby she mentioned her ds disrespectful behavior. She thinks he's becoming a monster but I truly believe it's developmental. She has asked me, "What do I do when he says he hates me?" I suggest to her that she tells him she loves him but to not make a huge deal over his statement because at his age he doesn't fully realize the import of what he says, only that it gets a rise out of momma.
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Originally Posted by jenners26 Exactly. I totally agree. A one-fourth vote would NOT fly here, or in most families I know. And I'm not even going to touch the "white women" comment.
OP, I have to commend you for trying to be helpful in the least intrusive way you can. Could you perhaps just give your daughter the link to mothering, or perhaps gift her with a subscription to the magazine, and tell her you came across it and thought it might help her with the issues she's been asking for advice on?
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