Help.

[xchuchurockerx]

Hello, I'm new here. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't bond with my son. He may only be 2 days old, but I don't feel any love for him. I feel like he's someone else's child. I had a really hard delivery, a c-section after finding out my heart was failing and so was the baby's placenta. I loved him so much while he was inside me. Why can't I love him now? He's in the NICU since he was preterm at 32 weeks. Even watching them poke and prod him with things, I feel no sympathy. I want to love him, but I just can't. I don't even know if I want to keep him now. I don't want anyone I know to know that I can't even love my own son. I really just want someone to talk to, who will help me through this...

[shellnurse]

So sorry to hear about your delivery and NICU stay!!! I'm a NICU Nurse myself and I can't imagine trying to bond with your baby with the bright lights, noise, wires, just the general chaos.

I really think you are experiencing a common feeling that no one talks about. It can take some time to bond and with what you've been through, it's completely understandable. It's ok for you to focus on healing yourself for now.

If you haven't yet, you might ask the nurse if you can do skin-to-skin holding with your baby if he is stable enough. I've heard it makes a world of difference, and if you don't feel the connection right away, that's ok too. Hopefully you can find some angels among the nurses, doctors and social workers with whom you feel comfortable saying "I don't feel bonded to my baby."

keep posting, get support. Wishing you well.

[Realcraftymama]

Hugs for you. I would follow the advice above, find someone that you can talk to. More hugs.

[shellnurse]

Woke up this morning thinking about you. Hope you are well! I wanted to suggest checking out the NICU and parenting premies section of MDC. You might find that many other moms feel the same way.

[Super~Single~Mama]

It sounds like you've been through an awful lot! I know nothing about the NICU, but have heard its hard and awful.

The only thing I can suggest is not to feel guilty about the way you are feeling, find someone to talk to about whats going on - counselor, supportive partner, family member, anyone really, or write about it - and be really really gentle on yourself! Take the time you need to heal, and just try to be as close to your baby as possible!

I hope things get better quickly.

[mom0810]

You could be in the midst of PPD. I really think you should talk to your OB about getting some kind of medication for it. What you are feeling is not your fault. Your progesterone levels have dropped significantly now that you are not pregnant, and that can cause all kinds of problems. You need to talk to someone... your doctor, a therapist, someone.

I had a NICU baby, too, and I had PTSD and PPD after he was born. It was really hard. I did not realize what I had at the time, and I wish someone would have helped me then. I wish I had taken meds, gotten some help, something.

Please just know that you are not alone, and this is not your fault. Medication can help a ton. Talk to your doctor.

[library lady]

It is hard to bond with a baby when they won't let you hold him/her. I felt that way with my oldest even though she was full term. They had her in the NICU for the first couple of days and it made it almost impossible for me to bond. Once we got home and I was able to hold her and be with her without doctors and nurses breathing down my neck, it was much easier. Don't beat yourself up.

[zuzunel09]

If it's only been 2 days, I would be patient. They say that it can take a couple of weeks or even months before you start to feel warm and fuzzy for your newborn, who after all has less personality than the other people in your life. Not everyone can bond immediately, so I would say fake it till you make it. In other words, when they let you take him home, continue to care for him and hold him, and smile at him if you can, and the feelings will come. You are overwrought right now with all you've been through, so don't make a final decision right now.

[mnj77]

I felt this way with my dd, and I didn't have to deal with the stress of a NICU stay! At one point, I told dh we should give her up for adoption because I couldn't love her enough. It's hard to bond with a lump of a newborn. But trust me - one day you'll look at your son and you won't be able to imagine loving anybody as much. For me, it took 3 or 4 months before I had that "in love" feeling that other people get right away. Don't be hard on yourself. It will happen!

[mnj77]

And I forgot to say - thank you for your bravery in talking about your feelings! I suspect that a lot of new moms feel this way, but are too afraid to speak up. It would make it so much easier on everyone if new moms knew that there wasn't something horribly wrong with them if they don't melt with love at the first sight of their baby.

[tappinerp]

I agree with the advise you recieved from mom0810.

Talk to your health professionals now. Be honest with them and tell them how you are feeling. I kept waiting, thinking that in the next day or so, I would feel better- more attached, more whatever. You are going through a lot right now. Your hormones have just gone from being at their highest highs to dropping off to pre-puberty levels. It can take some women longer than others for things to start kicking in again and regulate back to normal. For me- I didn't feel like I was back to my old self until my ds was 2.5 years old. I didn't really feel attached to my son until he was about 3 months old. I started on a hormone replacement when he was 2 weeks old that really helped me to at least function. With this pregnancy, I am already working with my mw to make sure that I immediately start on progesteron after delivery and possibly an anti-depressant. Please don't wait. Don't be embarrased, this is normal- and many people silently suffer. It isn't anything that you have done wrong. You are going to be an awesome mamma. You just need to take care of you, so that you can take care of your lo.