Aaargh... DD rough with baby brother, how do I stay gentle?

[MittensKittens]

My DD really loves her little four month old brother. The more active and alert he is becoming, the more she wants to play with him, and generally grab his body parts. He is starting to crawl (yes, already!), and DD grabs his hands, pulls on his feet and tries to push his head down. I start with telling her to be gentle and explaining she might hurt him, and end with "NO, NO, NO, KAYA, DON'T DO THAT, NO NO NO !".

She thinks grabbing and pulling is funny. She won't listen to me telling her to be gentle. However, the "no, no, no" approach makes her cry, and she'll tell me "gentle with Kaya", while sobbing and making the most dramatic face ever. I do pick the baby up when she does this, about half the time. She either starts crying right away, or tries to grab and pull while he is with me, and starts crying when I tell her not to.

Also, it is pretty hot weather here now, so I have switched from using a podaegi to using a mei tai. This means his legs and feet are in plain view... you can guess it - this means constant pulling, trying to pull, and talking about pulling. She gets this huge grin and tells me "I want to pull his feet!". Oops.

Any suggestions on staying gentle, and actually making DD stop doing these things?

[nathansmum]

I would say that what is happening is more than her being rough or pulling at the baby and would suggest that the focus needs to be more on helping her adjust to life with another wee one in the house. I liked Naomi Aldort's approach to helping an older child accept and know that they will also always be loved no matter what.

While it may be that you want to work on roughness, I think it's probably a time to bolster up your dd in feeling good about her place in the family still (I'm sure you are anyway). What I did with my ds was to have a little rhyme I'd sing that was more obvious than me just telling him I loved him, something like this "I love you when you're sleeping, I love you when you're playing, I love you when you're crying, I love you when you're laughing, I love you when I'm feeding/carrying/playing with DD (for you ds), I love you all the time". I figured that he probably found it difficult to know how things stood for him and I still?

I think if you can continue to intercept the roughness as you are, but then reassuring your dd rather than telling her off - the thing is, she knows what you are going to say, she knows that she's not meant to do it anymore, she knows she's going to feel sad but probably feels at a loss on how to change her feelings about why she does it. She may be laughing or thinks it's funny, but it could also be an uncomfortable feeling for her. It may seem an odd approach - but was worth a try for me to ignore the act of what she is doing, and focus on pouring your love and focus onto her in those times. It won't be rewarding her by doing this and I would bet that she won't find the need to do it to get your attention anymore.

Hugs and best of luck.

[Mrsboyko]

I am so right there with you. DD LOVES her baby brother, but she just doesn't know her own strength most of the time. I feel like I am constantly telling her to stop messing with him. I really don'ty want her to start resenting him (he is only 2 months old) but it is so hard to protect him when SHE is the one doing the harm. My mama ear instinct is all confused......

[library lady]

In our house, we try to find safe & gentle ways for the big ones to play with the little ones. I try to encourage them to interact as much as possible. My 2 yo will play pat-a-cake with her baby sister, which is just getting her hands and gently patting them together. I have to be right there to make sure that she doesn't get carried away. I also try to have the older ones touch the baby and play with her as much as possible. This can be singing to the baby or getting a noisy toy and showing it to her. It can be counting her toes. We have always dones little excercises with our babies so we show the bigger ones how to do it gently.

In my house, it seems that the more I say no or the more I remind them to be gentle, the more they do the exact opposite. So, we always try to focus on how to touch the baby rather than how not to touch the baby.

[dulce de leche]

Originally Posted by library lady

In our house, we try to find safe & gentle ways for the big ones to play with the little ones. I try to encourage them to interact as much as possible. My 2 yo will play pat-a-cake with her baby sister, which is just getting her hands and gently patting them together. I have to be right there to make sure that she doesn't get carried away. I also try to have the older ones touch the baby and play with her as much as possible. This can be singing to the baby or getting a noisy toy and showing it to her. It can be counting her toes. We have always dones little excercises with our babies so we show the bigger ones how to do it gently.

In my house, it seems that the more I say no or the more I remind them to be gentle, the more they do the exact opposite. So, we always try to focus on how to touch the baby rather than how not to touch the baby.

I really like this! Ds had an obsession with pulling dd2's socks off. It was mildly annoying, but it didn't hurt dd2 at all, and he thought it was the best game ever, especially if he got to hide the socks afterward. Maybe your dd could pull socks off when she wants as long as she doesn't pull on the foot?