Therapy Update - Need Advice?

[Phoenix~Mama]

okay... I was not the biggest fan of therapy on Saturday. It was finally brought up about our whole Friday night issue of who is going to pick DSD up. DSD's Mom refuses to now since DH confronted her about not telling us about kindergarten orientation. *sighs*

DH at first did say he'd pick DSD up at her house after work. But he brought it up in therapy as he feels 9:00 pm is too late for her to be picked up. Which I do agree... but I don't understand why he can't get up early Saturday and get her... he doesn't get to see her Friday night anyway.

Basically the therapist told me in not so many words that I should just suck it up and get DSD Friday nights. That I'm Mom in our house and I need to think of DSD and how important I am to her. Which I agree... but I tried explaining how utterly beat I am on Friday. Even DH agreed that even last weekend when DSD's Mom did bring her down and I only had both girls for 3 hours instead of 5 that I looked absolutely wrecked by time he got home and he tried sending me to bed... but of course I couldn't because DD was still awake and wanted to nurse more and she does not like side nursing anymore.

To which the therapist basically told me I need to learn how to hide my emotions from DSD and just deal with being tired. *blinks*

So, right now I'm really struggling with trying to figure out how I'm going to do this. And I'm SUPER resentful that I need to schedule another pumping session into my Fridays and am really worried about how this is going to affect my supply and all kinds of things and being resentful...

How do I deal with this?

[Ione]

Could (would) your DH give you a LOT MORE help during the week so that you're not quite as exhausted by Friday?

You can only do so much. Something has to give. If it's not you doing the Friday pick-up, then it will have to be something else. Something during the week so you're not too tired by Friday.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Ione... there really isn't anything else DH can do during the week to help.

I'm simply exhausted just trying to get through the week of work and such. Stupid fibro... I also explained to the therapist how it is really hard for me. Last year was actually the first year I have been able to work full time with the fibro and now it's trying to learn my limits and push all over again with the added work of a baby.

I am by myself from 3:30 in the afternoon til about 11:00 pm at night when I am finally able to go to bed... only to get up 5 hours later to face the day again. I need more sleep than 5 hours and there is just no way to help in that department right now.

Plus work just got way more busy as I have been made an internal auditor and a point person on two big projects. So the extra tasks during the day has me more run down than normal too.

but no one understands this because they all say I don't have a physical job so I shouldn't be as tired as I am.

I honestly don't think the therapist beleives in firbomyalgia either. He just thinks I'm some emotional loon that needs to learn how to deal with life better... I think therapy in general is a bit unfair because even though this isn't the therapist I normally see at the practice for my solo counseling, since it's the same practice he has my file and all of my background, and none of DH's... so usually anything brought up in therapy he turns around on me as not dealing with my emotions well enough. His collegue diagnosed me with bi-polar a few months ago and got mad because I wouldn't go on medication because my peditrician told me if I did I'd have to wean and I told the physcologist I am not weaning, that I have been dealing with my emotions for 20 some years without medication I can continue doing so for another several til my DD is weaned.

Is everything really my fault becase I'm an emotional person?

[lotusdebi]

I may have missed something on a previous thread, but is it possible to switch to a female therapist - preferably one who has actually had children? I've never had any luck with male therapists understanding women or child-rearing. I think male therapists are great for one-on-one counseling with men, just not for marriage counseling.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I probably could find a female marriage counselor... but DH won't go to a female therapist. He said he wouldn't be able to take any advice from her because he would always feel she is being biased since women always back each other up.

[Momtwice]

No, everything is not your fault and your counselor sounds awful and frankly, mysoginistic (which I cannot spell )

I think you should feel free to say no and set boundaries that are important to you whether the counselor agrees with you or not.

[Momtwice]

Originally Posted by JSMa

I probably could find a female marriage counselor... but DH won't go to a female therapist. He said he wouldn't be able to take any advice from her because he would always feel she is being biased since women always back each other up.

In this case, a man is doing the same thing. Your counselor is telling you to suck it up and do what your man wants. Where's the fairness in that?

[Jenne]

I'm NMY but I've been reading your threads...wow...hugs! Just because someone is a therapist DOES NOT mean that he/she is right. Sigh.

Okay, would it be possible to hire a college student to pick up DSD on Fridays and then stay with y'all and be a mother's helper? I don't know what the schedule looks like down to the hour but if you paid $10 an hour for 5 hours of help (getting her, helping out afterward then) that might be a great job. I don't know what your money situation is like. To me it would be worth it but if it is the same as not working Friday, I'd do that instead...

Would it be possible to work 1/2 day on Fridays? Would it be possible to work parttime period? Would it be possible to work flexttime on Friday and go in an hour or two earlier, get off work, nap, nurse, and then go get DSD? Could you hire a mother's helper during the week to ease up your schedule a little bit? What about a housekeeper? Would that help?

If I'm remembering correctly your DH does not want to pick up your DSD on Saturday mornings. Could you pick her up Saturday mornings? Would that be better for you then Friday night? Maybe that is the compromise? "Ok, I'll be the person in the family responsible for DSD's transportation. I cannot get her on Fridays and function. I will get her first thing Saturday morning. If this doesn't gel with you, please feel free to pick her up on Friday." But that's the kind of b!t@h I am.

Can you take your marital therapist info on Fibro and review it with him? I guess I just don't see how these other people get to decide what you can and cannot handle. I'm sorry!

Jenne

[Seasons]

Originally Posted by Jenne

I'm NMY but I've been reading your threads...wow...hugs! Just because someone is a therapist DOES NOT mean that he/she is right.

Yeah. Your therapist is not the boss of you - just an advisor. In your shoes, I'd Just Say No. I'm not sure how much I'd actually work to bring research in to the therpaist, etc - if it makes you feel resentful to have to defend your position, then don't. Just Say No. Set your boundary as "I will not do Friday pickups."

[pinksprklybarefoot]

9:00 PM is late. But if your DSD is only staying up that late 2 days/month for a few more months, it probably isn't going to damage her forever. Heck, it won't even be dark until that time pretty soon. Have your DH bring her pjs to work and have her change at her mom's before she gets in the car (Because Lord knows her mom probably wouldn't be helpful enough to have her dressed in pjs before he arrives if you guys ask ). There is probably a good chance that she'll fall asleep and your DH can just carry her up to bed.

By the time the summer is over, your DD will be a little bit older and you'll be in more of a groove. I know that for me, by the time DS was that age (8-9 months), I was a lot more used to having a baby, the baby was sleeping a little more regularly, and I was feeling less like postpartum me and more like me. It took about that long, though, and I don't have a chronic illness. So don't be too hard on yourself.

I would put my foot down about doing the pick-up until the end of the summer. Your DSD has two parents, they can work something out between themselves. I love how the stepmom only counts as another parent when it is convenient.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Originally Posted by lotusdebi

I may have missed something on a previous thread, but is it possible to switch to a female therapist - preferably one who has actually had children? I've never had any luck with male therapists understanding women or child-rearing. I think male therapists are great for one-on-one counseling with men, just not for marriage counseling.

I had this thought, too.

[chaoticzenmom]

Exhaustion is dangerous. Get a counselor who understands exhaustion...or print off some reading material for him. Don't do what you know you can't do.

[Smithie]

I'm going to be the voice of dissent here and say that now you've got your DH going to this therapist, expressing himself to you, standing up to ex more etc., you do NOT want to rock that boat. It seems to me from your other posts that things have improved in many areas. A better strategy is to learn how to adapt your responses to the therapist's inherent biases - sucks to have to do that, but the biggest goal of therapy was to get your dh to stop acting abusive to you, and I think that goal is being met, yes?

"If I'm remembering correctly your DH does not want to pick up your DSD on Saturday mornings. Could you pick her up Saturday mornings? Would that be better for you then Friday night? Maybe that is the compromise?"

This sounds like an excellent idea to me. And it would be a time for dh and dd#2 to have some alone time together. Just nurse her when she wakes, get in the car, and zip on over to pick up dd#1!

Of course, ex may object to not having her Friday nights "free" to do whatevertheheck she usually gets up to while dh is working and you are taking care of her kid. But honestly, who cares? Offer to do an extra weekend day a month to "make it up" if she gets an attitude about it. Your dh would probably love to have an extra weekend day!

[Phoenix~Mama]

Yeah the whole mind boggling thing about the therapist... He was telling me that I need to ask for help more and let my husband know what my limits are, so I told him that is what I was doing in regards to pick up... and then somehow that isn't one of the things I can limit. I don't get it.


I don't want to say I will do pickups again come fall because apparantly now DSD's Mom isn't sure which kindergarten place she is sending DSD to. So I have no idea where I'd be volunteering to drive... it could be farther away or something. I don't like commiting to something until I have full details. I need to know how far a commute I'd be looking at...


Oh, yeah, and I love how DH says it's too late for her, but he usually lets DSD stay up much later than that anyway.


I don't know.. I have a feeling DD is going to be ready for some solid introductions come 6 months because she is already showing an interest in food and has been steadily gaining a pincher grasp, and is doing really well on sitting, not unassisted yet, but I can see her to that point in another 2 months.... At that time I'd feel better about re-evaluating and possibly picking up DSD. Heck, even if DSD went to school closer to us, it may not be that big of an issue! I just wish I could communicate this better with DH because he still thinks it's just that his "first born is an inconveinece to me." Which I keep telling him isn't true!!! I just feel like I'm talking to a brick wall half the time.

[Ione]

Try this:
"DH, I would love to pick up DSD but I am so exhausted from working full time, caring for NewBabe, and all the housework I do it's just too much. What can you take off my plate and do instead of me from now on? Great. Thanks. Now, how are we going to arrange for [remaining household tasks] to be done? A cleaning lady? A mother's helper?."

[Selesai]

Well, you're a much nicer person than I, because I would have just said "Hey, DH, I'm not picking SD up on Fridays. It's your job, so figure it out."

Because, while this may be an unpopular opinion, it IS your/my DH's job, not ours. I thought what pinksparklybarefoot said was really true: isn't it interesting that stepmothers are only parents when it's convenient?

And, I don't think you got a good therapist. Was this all in the first session? Geeze. I would look for a new one, though now that you got your DH to commit I can see changing therapists being a credibility problem.

So I guess that's my bottom line. I really just don't think you should have to pick your stepdaughter up. I think it's your husband's job (unless you OFFER to do so) and if he works late on Fridays, well, he can figure out what that means. Natural consequences and all.

[bronxmom]

What concerns me is that the discussion was just again about whether you "should" or "should not" pick her up vs you and your husband getting a better understanding of what the other is feeling. I would want to know more why your husband thinks you find his "first born an inconvenience" and for you to be able to communicate why it's not possible for you and how you do feel about the situation.

I think you need a therapist versed in stepfamily issues. I've heard that counselors not trained in this can actually do more harm than good. I'm listing the list of stepfamily certified counselors in PA below - not sure where you are.

You shouldn't be going to therapy to be told what to do or have someone else judge who is right or wrong in your relationship. You should be going to understand one another better. Your therapist does not sound very good. I would consider alternatives. I just realized all the pple below are women but not sure what to do about that. Maybe the stepfamily expertise would help convince him?

Good luck! If you can't do the pick-up then don't do the pick-up.

PENNSYLVANIA

Doylestown
Jane Kessler MA
Bailiwick II
252 W Swamp Rd., Ste. 56
Doylestown, PA 18901
215-348-8212

Wayne/Lansdale
Elise Artelt, M.Ed, MS
141 W Wayne Ave.
Wayne, PA 19087
610-585-0066
[e-mail]

Children's Aid Society
306 Madison Ave.
Lansdale, PA 19446
215-362-8422 x232 / fax [phone]

Media/Lansdowne
Elizabeth Dale Blair, PhD, Licensed Psychologist
16 West Front St.
Media, PA 19063
610-565-1129

14 E. Stratford Rd., Suite 1B
Lansdowne, PA 19050
610-565-1129

Pittsburgh
Heather B. Newman-Trivus, MSW, ACSW
615 Washington Rd, Ste. 504
Pittsburgh, PA 15228
412-343-1009 / [e-mail]

Bradfordswoods/Wexford
Anna McManus Gay, Ph.D.
62 Seldom Seen Rd.
Bradfordswoods, PA 15015
724-799-2123
[e-mail]

Wexford
Veronica A. Zinkman, LPC
6200 Brooktree Rd. #110
Wexford, PA 15090
Phone: [phone]
Fax: [phone]
[e-mail]

[Oriole]

*HUGS*

Okay.. Let's think about options.

#1. Ultimatum - I'm not picking her up. It's your job. YOU are the father, and I have my limits. I can't. I won't. Figure it out.

The problem here, is that you DO care about your relationship with your husband, and I get a feeling it won't bring peace to yourself or your marriage, no matter how tempting it is.

#2. Suck it up - and drive sleep deprived and all.

Resentment and exhaustion are not that good of a combination. It will eat you up before it will eat up your marriage. So I'm not sure this is a good option either.

#3. Something in between. Demand a compromise.

"I will pick her up, but you will have to do XYZ for that to happen. I'm tired, I'm exhausted. WE need to figure it out, or we will have serious trouble on our hands." Be honest with your husband, and expect something in return. Tell him you are waiting for his ideas on how to make it work as a couple. NOT on how to make it work on your own, but as a couple. What is he willing to do for you each Friday to make things happen.

[Ione]

Originally Posted by Oriole

What is he willing to do for you each Friday to make things happen.

NOT "each Friday" but throughout the week EACH AND EVERY SINGLE DAY. There is no reason she should be so exhausted by Friday that she can't make the drive. If she's that wiped out, she needs more help ALL THE TIME.

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by Ione

NOT "each Friday" but throughout the week EACH AND EVERY SINGLE DAY. There is no reason she should be so exhausted by Friday that she can't make the drive. If she's that wiped out, she needs more help ALL THE TIME.

You are right, of course.