I feel like a jerk complaining, but I had a terrible mother's day

[Green Eyes]

My husband and daughter are usually pretty considerate (especially my husband) but we are trying to buy a house right now and we are all stressed. My husband is particularly tense since he hates any debt, and it's blowing his mind that we will have a mortgage!

Things started badly on Saturday when husband said we would go out to eat brunch that day and avoid the crowds on Sunday. I said I would rather eat out dinner (I love breakfast and don't mind cooking it; but I am very tired of planning and cooking dinner every night.) We all had a light breakfast and went grocery shopping and ran some errands, we were all starving at 3:00 so we decided to go get something to eat.

Where should we go? I really wanted to go to a particular mexican place, but husband said that's not good since it's cafeteria-style and he wanted the waitress to bring our food... so we went to a place that serves breakfast all day. It's a very nice little cafe but the waitress completely ignored me, she took my husband's order then our daughter's, then finally mine. She brought their drinks first. She gave them their food right away; later she gave me mine. I joked to my husband that I was feeling really slighted and that he should leave her a very average tip for the average service, but she was really chatty with him and ended up talking to him for a while and he is a nice guy and was really friendly to her.

My husband asked casually if I wanted to see the new Star Trek movie, and I said sure, and suddenly we are planning to see the movie the next day. And then said that I'm not his mother and he doesn't see why he has to do stuff... that our daughter should be the one making the day special! So he didn't buy me flowers or anything, and he didn't warn her ahead of time that he wasn't going to do anything for me. And since she was having a "me me me" day I was feeling REALLY unappreciated.

Since I was now making dinner Sunday, I thought I should try to make it special, so Saturday night I cooked ribs and made the BBQ sauce so I wouldn't have to do it all on Sunday. I was up until after midnight cooking.

Sunday, I believe they forgot it was mother's day since nobody said anything nice to me (or wished me happy mother's day) until the afternoon. First thing that morning, daughter asked her dad if she could watch dvds and he said okay, so she grabs her blanket and stretches out on the sofa in front of the tv while I made everyone's breakfast, and served it to them (husband was on the loveseat reading stuff on his laptop in the living room).

Since there was no place for me to sit in the living room, I ate breakfast by myself at the kitchen table, then I worked some more on the BBQ dinner for that night. But I had to rush since we needed to get to the movie theatre. The movie was more than two hours long, and I was getting very stressed that I wouldn't have dinner ready until very late, so I wanted to get home, but our daughter wanted to buy (with her money) the bat Webkenz since her account is about to expire, so we went to the mall searching the stores for her bat.

No luck, so husband said to drop them off downtown to look for it while I go home and work on dinner. I told them that we could look for that another time, and let's all go home. But they were gone for several hours while I cooked. They got back just as it started raining and I had to start the BBQ, so I sat outside in the rain alone watching the fire (charcoal BBQ).

When I finally served dinner and was exhausted and angry. I wasn't expecting much but I did hope to be treated like I was appreciated for one day. Our daughter had been a real pain all weekend, being really rude and unhelpful. Husband didn't make things any better by catering to her. I know he was trying to keep things peaceful since we are all under a lot of stress, but my protests were ignored.

If anybody had asked me (which they didn't) what I wanted to do on mother's day, I would have said, "Let's get all the errands done on Saturday so we can stay home Sunday and hang out with each other. We can play Scrabble and watch a movie, put a fire in the fireplace, and when we get hungry go out and pick something up or have it delivered. I would really love to have a day to play with my husband and daughter, and not have to worry about making dinner or cleaning up."

I feel like a cad complaining. Husband thought he did okay, he took me out to eat and to a movie. But nobody listened to what I wanted, and the stupid day made me feel more unappreciated than ever.

[mompy]

That sounds SUCKY!!!! I'm sorry you had such a crappy weekend.

Maybe next time you could make your wishes a bit clearer? Like telling them what you want to do for mother's day . . . asking for help with some stuff . . . telling your DD to move the heck over so you can sit on the couch and eat breakfast there too like a member of the family.

And hey, just remember--father's day is in a month or two, and payback's a bitch! lol!

[Green Eyes]

Thanks for the support (and for reading all that!). I usually BBQ on father's day, and make his favorite dessert, either cheesecake or key lime pie, but this year we are going to eat out! You are right, no work for me this father's day!

Our daughter wants to do mother's day over, so she is going to throw a party (for the two of us) after school today. Just the thought of her wanting to do something special for me has made me feel tons better.

[mompy]

Good for her! That sounds like it will be special for both of you.

Yeah, I think for father's day you should insist on the cafeteria-style mexican place--mwaaa haaa haaaa! Seriously, I'm just kidding about being totally evil--but I also wouldn't kill myself for him on father's day if he doesn't think mother's day is a big deal.

[joyfulgrrrl]

That sounds pretty rotten.

Next year, I would write them a note telling them exactly what I wanted to do on Mother's day. There's nothing wrong with bringing it to their attention and letting them know how you feel - you deserve to have a great day

I'm not big on MD, and did most of the cooking that morning for our family brunch, but DH watched the wee baby so I could go shopping alone for a half hour for my gift. I was kind of annoyed that I had to shop it myself, but to go without little kids, and to hvae permission to get myself something instead of feeling guilty for spending the $ when I'm on mat leave and not making much, was pretty priceless at teh end of it all.

Hugs, and hope your make up day is lovely!

[limabean]

That sounds sucky. It's really sweet that your daughter wants a do-over.

I forgot to check your sig to see if it's mentioned there, but how old is she? I found your DH's comments about how he shouldn't have to do anything for you, just his own mom, on mother's day really odd. Did you remind him of all you do for him on father's day? For me, it's about showing your appreciation for the parent that your spouse is, as well as showing appreciation for your own parents. Also, when kids are young, a parent's role (IMO) is to teach them how to treat people on holidays, so he should be modeling what it looks like to show appreciation for you on mother's day -- help her make a card, make dinner, or whatever.

My normally very considerate, thoughtful DH dropped the ball this mother's day too, so I can totally understand how you feel (and can understand why you feel like a jerk for complaining -- I kept starting and then deleting a very similar thread to yours!). But it's okay to vent, even if it's about little stuff. I'm still going to do nice stuff for my DH on father's day -- he is a wonderful dad, and I think he deserves special acknowledgement for that, even if he did act dense about mother's day.

[snoopy5386]

I'm sorry your day sucked, you DH should have let you pick where you wanted to eat, who cares if there is a waitress or not? It sounds like there was lots of communication not happening there, maybe next year you should be a little more clear on what you want and ask your DH to help out your DD with a gift, that was the really crappy part if you ask me.
My mother's day weekend was spent like this:
Wake up early Saturday morning, drive 3.5 hours to mom's house, mom watches DD while DH and I go to the movies (the good part), back to mom's house. Take mom, grandma, aunt and sister out to dinner ($150 bill plus $50 spent on their gifts) and then back to her house for cake. Drive an hour to aunt's house where we spend the night, finally get DD to bed at 11 pm. Wake up at 7:45 Sunday morning with DD. Leave Aunt's house at 11, run over to other grandma's house to give her a card/gift, back in the car again, drive 1 hour to StepMIL's house, take her out to lunch (another $60 bill plus $30 spent on her gift), get back in car drive 3.5 hours back home. Eat candy for dinner. Get DD bathed and in bed. Realize I never called my mom that day, call her at 9, she doesn't answer which means she is mad at me for not calling her on mother's day even though we spent the previous night celebrating with her. Surf internet, watch desperate housewives, go to bed. Time spent driving - 9 hours, time spent having fun - 2 hours (at the movies)

[claddaghmom]

Oh my you sound like me...as in the little details are what bugs you. Just tiny things like the waitress ignoring you or not going to the right restaurant....: I would have melted down lol

DH always says I could deal with the world ending but not if I'm wearing the wrong clothes.

[gabysmom617]

That sounds extremely crappy. You should let him read what you wrote and how you felt. (Not necessarily here, but just print what you wrote.) He needs to see how jerky he was, and you need to communicate how you felt.

[Green Eyes]

I'm sorry to hear that others had a crappy day, too. I really appreciate your support.

Daughter just turned 11, so she is old enough to do something, for sure. I know she was counting on him doing something, too, he didn't say anything ahead of time.

I believe the reason he's being weird about flowers or anything is because of the upcoming mortgage. It has taken him SEVEN YEARS to decide we should buy, this is after years of research, watching the stock market(s), and many hours he spent doing spreadsheets, etc. etc. He is terrified of debt and he's kind of wigging out about it... flowers cost money. Oh yeah, at the movie theatre he said we couldn't get popcorn (although it was lunch time) because he didn't have enough cash on him so I got the popcorn and used the debit card. See, he's wigging out about the money now.

I guess I should have spoken up more but things are so tense right now, and I wanted everyone to have a good time, and I didn't want to be a jerk by insisting that we do what I want.

Mainly I just wanted them to be nice to me and considerate for a day, and to make me feel appreciated. That doesn't cost anything.

You are all making me feel better, thank you!

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by Green Eyes

Mainly I just wanted them to be nice to me and considerate for a day, and to make me feel appreciated. That doesn't cost anything.

You are all making me feel better, thank you!

Aww. Can you talk to him about the day you really wanted (zero dollar, so it won't trigger his money anxiety) and maybe do it next weekend?

[laila2]

I can not complain this year but

if you look up my posts' you will find that I had a not so great birthday once.

Sorry you were not appreciated. Your daughter sounds great.

[gabysmom617]

As moms, sometimes we get extremely selfless and do and do and do for other people during a time when they should really be doing for us. I find that I often get ignored if I don't speak up forcefully sometimes. I would sit around with stuff festering inside of me thinking that my husband "should know" what I wanted, or that I shouldn't "want" what it is that I want, so trying to pretend like I'm not bothered, and trying to be generous and uncomplaining. Then I become a volcano (not always good) and just erupt with arguements telling my husband off about how my feelings were overlooked. Often times he apologizes because he just didn't realize.

You can't really blame some one who doesn't *know* you feel slighted. Even if you think they should know, sometimes they don't. You have to s.p.e.l.l. things out for some guys sometimes. When you do, if they are understanding and open, things can get better.

[AutumnAir]

Well I've now had two Mother's Days ignored by my DH who has the same attitude as yours - that I'm not his mother so he doesn't need to do anything for me. But my DD is now 16 months old, so I'm not holding my breath for anything from her either

Mothering's a generally underappreciated job - it sucks not to get any appreciation even on the one day you might reasonably expect it!

[Ackray]

That's crappy. Sorry your Mother's Day sucked.

[JD5351]

s

I'm sorry you had such a bad day.

And it is his job to make you a happy mother's day...He MADE you a mother, right?

[pinksprklybarefoot]

I'm sorry that your Mother's day was crappy. I guess you're off the hook for anything special for Father's Day.

[snoopy5386]

You know, last year we had a "nice" mother's day. We stayed here, didn't go visit family, instead we went to the zoo which is what I wanted to do. All I *really* wanted was a nice day where we didn't fight or get snippy, and of course that happened, and it is all I can remember about the day a year later. Doesn't that suck? One of these years we'll get a nice day.

[RoseDuperre]

I'm sorry you had a crap day. Mine was less than stellar too. I did get to get out of the house for about 4 hours of solo time, yay, and during that time, vacuuming and mopping happened, doubleyay.

But no gift (not such a big deal), no card or even a "Happy Mother's Day" (hey!) and he actually asked ME for a shoulder rub (now, come the hell on).

[Super~Single~Mama]

Well, if you're not his mother and he doesn't have to do anything for you on mothers day, then doesn't the same logic apply to fathers day?

I'm sorry it was such a rough day! That really stinks. Next year, they should be the ones cooking the BBQ!!