What does authentic parenting mean to you?

[ChipiChipi]

Hello MDC community:

In this week's newsletter, we talk about authenticity and parenting. We would love to hear what it means to you to be an authentic parent. Please feel free to share the challenges and support you've encountered on your parenting journey.

[Tigerchild]

Can you explain what you mean?

To me, authentic parent means any parent who isn't an internet troll faker or something...so there are a variety of experiences out there.

Do you mean like being authentic with your kids? I guess I am that. I tell them when they're annoying me (and listen when they tell me the same). I try not to make promises I don't keep. They see all parts of me not just the fakey nice&perfect happy-happy mommeee.

Jury's still out on whether that means we'll have great relationships once they're teens or adults or whether I'll be gracing the cover of a How I Survived My UA Violation Of A Mother book in the next few decades.

[Black Orchid]

Is this from a book, or the latest issue of Mothering? I will admit, since my kids are older I do not subscribe anymore!

I can say that I strive for authenticity in all the relationships in my life, not just with my children. With my children, my goals are to:
1- BE PRESENT- listen, really listen to them, not let my mind wonder or give mindless "Ahah" answers or nods. This is a huge struggle for me because I tend to tune things out when I'm sleepy or preoccupied or stressed. Using the color green to anchor me in my present and reinforcing it in my meditations is a helpful tool in reminding me to be present with my children no matter what else is going on.
2-BE HONEST- if I'm feeling tired or need space from them... tell them. My phrase for this is "Mommy needs some peace right now". They've come to understand that Mom needs a time out and will return shortly. Saying I need some peace, puts it on ME, not them... so they never feel like they've done something that makes me want to be away from them.
3- THREE-SECOND RULE- Before I react to something, I count to three and breathe. If it still a good idea three seconds later then I consider doing/saying it. This helps to curb my natural tendancies to sarcasm, which is not helpful or understandable to little 'uns. This helps me to quickly evaulate my inital reaction and determine whether it is authentic... really represents how I feel about a situation and the result that is best OR if it is a distraction from something deeper.
4- BALANCE- When things are crazy, kids seemed stressed and whiny and I'm a drill-sargent, it usually is because things have become unbalanced. We reevaluate what we've got going on and see if there are activities and chores that aren't as meaningful or necessary as they were when we started them. It is a challenge to stay out of the "rat race" of kids activities, doing things because they are fulfilling our spirits and meaningful rather than because "everyone else does" or "they'll miss out".

Meditation is key to my survival... I practice self-hypnosis and/or yoga on a daily basis and it helps to reinforce the power of breathing in maintaining an authentic life. I can always tell when I haven't been regular in my practice because all of the things I mentioned above seem to skew heavily in the wrong direction.

I don't find a ton of support in real life, because I find that many people are caught in the "Rat Race". Even homeschoolers and unschoolers are so much more focused on the product rather than the journey. Perhaps that is because so many of us are "trained" in traditional education to focus on the goal... college, wealth, important job, etc... and little-to-no emphasis is on the journey. Its a real challenge, but a very rewarding delight when I get to the place of breath and living in the moment. I hope that I am teaching it to my girls so that they won't have to struggle like I do. And then maybe their children won't think of it as a struggle at all! Wouldn't that be great?!

[Xoe]

I'm not sure what you are referring to, either. But in my opinion, being an "authentic parent" means you're paying attention to who your child is, and trying to provide your child with what he or she needs for healthy development, sometimes without regard to sticking to some parenting philosphy, your previously held personal beliefs, or rules you've set up based on a theory. Each child is different. Each age and stage is different. Each day is different. You can't parent authentically if you always have to treat your child as if he or she fits inside some ideal box.

jmo

xoe

[majorsky]

For me, being an authentic parent means following my gut when it comes to providing for, nurturing, and guiding my child -- even when many of the parents around me choose a very different path (knowing I may have to face their disapproval over my choices). Authentic parenting also means thinking back to my own childhood and reflecting on whether I felt nurtured by certain decisions my parents made and allowing my feelings about those decisions to guide me to the right answers for my child.

It's hard to put into words exactly what authentic parenting is, but that's what it means to me.

Kristin

[Stephbunny]

Originally Posted by Black Orchid

Is this from a book, or the latest issue of Mothering? I will admit, since my kids are older I do not subscribe anymore!

I can say that I strive for authenticity in all the relationships in my life, not just with my children. With my children, my goals are to:
1- BE PRESENT- listen, really listen to them, not let my mind wonder or give mindless "Ahah" answers or nods. This is a huge struggle for me because I tend to tune things out when I'm sleepy or preoccupied or stressed. Using the color green to anchor me in my present and reinforcing it in my meditations is a helpful tool in reminding me to be present with my children no matter what else is going on.
2-BE HONEST- if I'm feeling tired or need space from them... tell them. My phrase for this is "Mommy needs some peace right now". They've come to understand that Mom needs a time out and will return shortly. Saying I need some peace, puts it on ME, not them... so they never feel like they've done something that makes me want to be away from them.
3- THREE-SECOND RULE- Before I react to something, I count to three and breathe. If it still a good idea three seconds later then I consider doing/saying it. This helps to curb my natural tendancies to sarcasm, which is not helpful or understandable to little 'uns. This helps me to quickly evaulate my inital reaction and determine whether it is authentic... really represents how I feel about a situation and the result that is best OR if it is a distraction from something deeper.
4- BALANCE- When things are crazy, kids seemed stressed and whiny and I'm a drill-sargent, it usually is because things have become unbalanced. We reevaluate what we've got going on and see if there are activities and chores that aren't as meaningful or necessary as they were when we started them. It is a challenge to stay out of the "rat race" of kids activities, doing things because they are fulfilling our spirits and meaningful rather than because "everyone else does" or "they'll miss out".

Meditation is key to my survival... I practice self-hypnosis and/or yoga on a daily basis and it helps to reinforce the power of breathing in maintaining an authentic life. I can always tell when I haven't been regular in my practice because all of the things I mentioned above seem to skew heavily in the wrong direction.

I don't find a ton of support in real life, because I find that many people are caught in the "Rat Race". Even homeschoolers and unschoolers are so much more focused on the product rather than the journey. Perhaps that is because so many of us are "trained" in traditional education to focus on the goal... college, wealth, important job, etc... and little-to-no emphasis is on the journey. Its a real challenge, but a very rewarding delight when I get to the place of breath and living in the moment. I hope that I am teaching it to my girls so that they won't have to struggle like I do. And then maybe their children won't think of it as a struggle at all! Wouldn't that be great?!

Quoted for the Truth. I feel the same way. Not being a "real" mom yet {baby is 3 days overdue}, I have been practicing HypnoBirthing and I feel that if we all had a moment or two, 5 minutes if all we can get is that, to just relax, focus and intend a good day, our body-mind connection would help us all in being a better parent.

I believe in following intuition and letting things happen as they do. But I really like the idea of your 3 Second Rule - I know I overreact with my husband and cats, so I'm going to try this out and start seeing if I can help my intuition and mind-body connection even further!

[jenneology]

This is the description of authentic parenting that was given in the MDC newsletter that I received today:

I recall when I made the decision to be an authentic parent and created a list of what that meant to me. Since then I have sometimes gone back on those decisions I so courageously took before I realized that circumstances can get in the way of well-laid plans. I continually change the items of importance on my list of personal values as I grow and learn. Authenticity, after all, is not static.

So what does authenticity mean to me? It means trying to be a wiser, gentler, stronger person. It means learning all I can and staying true to what I believe to be the best for my child, my planet, and myself. What does it mean to you?

Mothering deeply believes in the intuitive power of the mother. You know what's right for your child, and you want what’s best for both of you. As Louise Rachel says in “Breaking Free of Mother-Guilt,” “Each of us does the best she can—given the particulars of our knowledge base, resources, support system, and the circumstances in which we find ourselves.” Sometimes we regret even our best efforts. Peggy O’Mara has talked about the role regret plays in our parenting journeys: regret for how our births may have turned out, regret for decisions made before we knew better, regret for slipups along the way. Part of being an authentic parent is learning to embrace the good as well as the not-so-good.

I will think on this and respond later but it is a very meaningful topic and something that I am constantly reflecting on and reevaluating myself as a mother.

[AtThePark]

Being an authentic parent is, to me, the same as being an authentic person who happens to be currently parenting.

For me it's about being authentic to self, authentic in my relationships with others, and authentic in my relationship to the divine (which in my case is nature based and universal).

I also think being authentic is being liberated - allowing myself and my children to say yes to what works for us and no to what doesn't. It's about being free to make choices that might not currently be in trend or the same choices made by my parents or inlaws or friends.

In direct regards to parenting I always ask myself - What do I want most for my children in life? For me the answer is that I want them to be free to be who they are - to be fully self-auctualized. So I return to this when making decisions that are difficult or multi-faceted. And I cope with it when it comes back to bite me in the butt. So right now my son should be at soccer, but it's rainy and cool out so we've made popcorn and they are chilled out watching TV. It isn't as important for me that my children know when they sign up for something they should always go. I'd rather raise children that know it's OK (and rejuvenating) to curl up on the coach and just be. The family next door may be authentic by doing the exact opposite.

I'm a big fan of mistakes, accidents and things going all wrong. It's where the story lies, where secrets reveal themselves, where ephanies happen and where memories are made. So I let the sad be sad, the mad be mad, the dirty be dirty and the ugly rear it's own ugly head. And that's not always easy, but it's what being authetic means to me.