So many discipline books, where do I begin (19 mo)

[twinergy]

I have 19 mo old twins, still cosleeping and nursing all night long. I get enough sleep, in fact too much, since I am in bed with my LO’s about 12 hours a day. I just don’t have enough time to read all these books. I have started reading a few books and they seem to be geared more toward older children. Which discipline book should I read first for this age? Or maybe I have the right books and I need to skip ahead a few chapters? Also, it is easier for me to find time to read something on the computer, so I would also appreciate any links to online articles on discipline. I know the tantrums are coming soon and I need to be prepared.

Here are the books I have started reading
Unconditional Parenting
Playful Parenting
Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

Thank you so much for helping.

[purplefrog]

Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves
by Naomi Aldort

[umsami]

All three of those are excellent books!

I did find that more situation-oriented books helped me more at that stage, although the other books sort of gave me my foundation for how I wanted to parent. So thinks like "The Pocket Parent" helped me a lot. I also really like most of Elizabeth Pantley's stuff.

Tantrums are not necessarily going to happen. DS1 and 2 had many 2 or 3 tantrums each. I mean really really rare. I'm not some super-parent either... :

[lara1828]

Hmm, once I read Unconditional Parenting I threw out all my other discipline related books - I realized they are just variations on the theme of how to control my children.

I do still reread parts of Naomi Aldorts book, she also has some good articles on-line. Just google her name.

FYI, not all children tantrum that much. So don't worry too much about a problem you don't have yet

My unprofessional, no-book advice on tantrums: Be present and comfort the child, try not to get to wound up yourself. IMO, it's OK to occasionallyfix the problem if you are surprised by the intensity of the response, but usually it's not necessary - the tantrum releases the emotion and everyone goes on with life.

Read Happiest Toddler on the Block - great advice on connecting with your child - I dont' really remember if there was discipline advice in that book per se.

Good luck!

Lara

[mom2grrls]

I think Kids are worth It by barbara Coloroso is a good place to start for young ones.

[neverdoingitagain]

Originally Posted by mom2grrls

I think Kids are worth It by barbara Coloroso is a good place to start for young ones.

: All of her books are excellent. I also recommend (but these aren't discipline books) "Hold onto your Kids" Gordon Nuefeld & Gabor Mate and "Protecting the Gift" (can't remember the name of the author)

[Rico'sAlice]

Originally Posted by lara1828

Read Happiest Toddler on the Block - great advice on connecting with your child - I dont' really remember if there was discipline advice in that book per se.

The first section was fabulous! The second part dealt with a (green-yellow-red) system of encouraging "desired behaviors" and discouraging "annoying or bad" ones. Completely behaviorist. Uses praise and punishment. Fortunately I'd already read Unconditional Parenting so I just skimmed that part and ignored the suggestions.
But the first half is full of great ways to make GD ideas relate to a toddler who doesn't have the language skills of say, a 7yo. Good suggestions for avoiding tantrums and such. Liked his ideas about teaching "waiting." Not so into his suggestions for what to do after tantrums happen.

In addition to the books mentioned here I really enjoyed "You are your child's first teacher." It is Steiner-inspired (ie Waldorf), but it really helped me to pay attention to rhythms and environment which makes it easier for DS to flow along throughout the day. Really helped me to understand I should better discipline myself, so that I didn't have to discipline DS so much.

[tankgirl73]

Along with Waldorfy things and all the other great stuff mentioned already, I'd also suggest reading Montessori stuff. Even if you don't do full-on Montessori homeschooling or whatever, her views on child development and how we as adults should adapt our environments etc etc is really (IMO) quite revolutionary. It may not seem to be DIRECTLY involved with discipline, but when a young child is having their development impulses and drives and needs met, they're less likely to be tantrumy, KWIM?

It really helped us organize things for DD... she has a lot of independent skills and can do so much on her own, it gives her a lot of confidence and she's therefore more secure, more capable... and less whiny. Heh.

[boatrat]

No recs here, but I did live unconditional parenting.

I'd also recommend reading Montessori stuff

Do you have any specific book recs for Montessori? I am just learning about Montessorri and I want to learn more but I just read Montessori from the Start and I hated it! It had a few redeaming features but it was very anti-AP (advocating weaning at 9 months to encourage independence, viewed baby-wearing as denying your baby crucial opportunities for exploration and learning, etc). Thanks!

[jempd]

Considering you are reading those I would also recommend Parenting from the Inside Out and when your kids are older, How to Talk so your Kids will Listen and Listen so your Kids will Talk.

[twinergy]

I just have a hunch that DS may be one to tantrum, he has always been a high needs child. He gets very mad, kicking & hitting. It takes several minutes to help him calm down. Maybe some people would call this a tantrum, I don’t know, but I don’t feel like it is there yet. I usually hold him, ask him if he feels mad, tell him it is OK to fell mad, and remind him that I love him. Sometimes he hits or kicks, occasionally bites and pulls hair, I tell him that is a “hurt touch” put him down, make eye contact tell him again, then pick him right back up and tell him I love him. If he hurts again we do it again, never takes more than 3 times. Then I start back with explaining feelings & tell him I love him. If he doesn’t calm down in a couple minutes, we go do something special that he really likes. If it takes more than 10 minutes for him to calm down I assume he is tired or hungry and doesn’t know any other way to tell me. Usually at this point I will nurse him. Maybe there is some better way for me to address the aggression?

Just the last 2 days he started something I don’t know how to address. He is very kinesthetic and wants to touch everything. This includes throwing, tearing, breaking, etc. So recently he has decided he wants to touch things that dangerous or fragile, especially when we are eating. He gets very upset when I ignore him asking to touch a knife or a glass for example, or if I pretend like I think he wants something else. This usually leads to the end of the meal as he gets so upset. Maybe I need to do a show and tell and include telling him these objects are dangerous so not for him to touch until he learns to be careful/gentle. Any suggestions for this one?

DS is very much a personality that likes to “do it for himself”, he also has no fear. From climbing high to get into things, to running off even if we are away from home, he is constantly putting himself in harm’s way. Unfortunately, because he has a tendency to put himself in dangerous situations and because I have 2 to watch, I have responded by limiting him. I am also one to stick with what has been working and often forget to give them the opportunity to try new things. I know this activity is very normal but I am having a difficult time adapting to it in a way that isn’t boring for him. Wow, I just had an epiphany, thanks everybody for talking me thru to this! I think much of his frustration does come from this boredom. He also nurses very frequently, I mean every 15 minutes then just stops as soon as I let down, sounds bored to me. I think I even need to start a new thread for this one, but if you are already here and can suggest activities for my fearless wild child please do. Maybe this is where the Waldorf & Montessori stuf would be helpfull?

[Rico'sAlice]

Originally Posted by twinergy

He is very kinesthetic and wants to touch everything. This includes throwing, tearing, breaking, etc. So recently he has decided he wants to touch things that dangerous or fragile, especially when we are eating. He gets very upset when I ignore him asking to touch a knife or a glass for example, or if I pretend like I think he wants something else. This usually leads to the end of the meal as he gets so upset. Maybe I need to do a show and tell and include telling him these objects are dangerous so not for him to touch until he learns to be careful/gentle. Any suggestions for this one?

At that age my DS was starting to learn "one finger touch." I would hold onto the object firmly but he could tap or stroke it gently with 1 finger. For knives would I let him hold them with my hand over his and practice cutting. I know some parents wouldn't be comfortbale with that, but I always had control and nobody got hurt.

Anyway, for the other stuff- The weather is getting warmer;
Do you have yard toys, a fenced in area etc. The more they can run around and get their ya-yas out and get tons of fresh air the better everything else goes.

[bendingbirch]

I think one thing to do is to read the Gesell Institute books (Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old, Your Three Year Old, etc) because gentle discipline techniques are fabulous, but you also need to know what is developmentally appropriate for each age. A good overview is also LLLI's "Adventures in Gentle Discipline". Your local LLL group may even have it in their library that you could take out for free.

[tankgirl73]

Do you have any specific book recs for Montessori? I am just learning about Montessorri and I want to learn more but I just read Montessori from the Start and I hated it! It had a few redeaming features but it was very anti-AP (advocating weaning at 9 months to encourage independence, viewed baby-wearing as denying your baby crucial opportunities for exploration and learning, etc). Thanks!.

Yeah, some "interpretations" of Montessori go that route, which is unfortunate. Dr Montessori didn't advocate FORCED independence, but encouraging and enabling the independence which kids are naturally driven to do anyway. And it's the kind of independence brought about by skills, being able to do things by themselves, rather than the so-called "independence" of isolation. Kids gain independence by being given opportunities to do something, not by having their preferred actions taken away.

Anyway, you might go straight to the source. Most of my Montessori reading has been various online sites, but the one real book I read was "The Secret of Childhood" by Dr Maria Montessori herself.

There are a few things in there that will seem a bit archaic, since it was written like 100 years ago, that you have to take with a grain of salt. But for the most part, it's right on the ball. She laments about poor children stuck in strollers because parents are in too much of a hurry or focussed on their "adult business" to walk at the child's pace or interact with them. She doesn't address babywearing specifically (I don't know how common it was in turn-of-the-century Italy) but if she did, I think she would advocate that kids who are able to walk should be allowed to walk when they want to -- meaning that you shouldn't wear your baby only as a kind of penalty for walking too slow, for instance. Which most of us don't really do, anyway... but the main thing she's getting at with the stroller thing is interaction with parents and with the world, which worn babies get in spades.

The only thing I found really disappointing about the book was her confidence that society was changing in a positive way towards children, and all these negative things (mostly detachment kinds of things) would fall by the wayside... when in fact, they've become more common and well-entrenched than ever.

[mrsfrenchy]

Originally Posted by bendingbirch

I think one thing to do is to read the Gesell Institute books (Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old, Your Three Year Old, etc) because gentle discipline techniques are fabulous, but you also need to know what is developmentally appropriate for each age. .

I've also heard these are good. I've requested the Your One Year Old through our inter-library loan system.

[steelmagnolia9]

:

[bendingbirch]

You can also see my blog, I have a lot under the "no spanking" tag about gentle discipline. (www.theparentingpassageway.com)

Also, check out your local LLL or API group - you should be able to take most of these out of their group libraries for free! Some of them are even on audio tape - great for dads to listen to on the way to work. Many of the LLL and API groups around here run entire meetings on Loving Guidance, developmental stages, etc.
Hope that helps,

[mlh]

I love Playful Parenting! But you are probably right, that it may apply more to older kids. The book I turned to when my kids were under 2 is The Discipline Book by Sears.

[foreverinbluejeans]

Without Spanking or Spoiling by Elizabeth Crary